halfbreedconfessions - Tumblr blog

[halfbreedconfessions]

2020.07.03

I ended up not celebrating my birthday in November. And I felt bad for ignoring it a whole week or two after. Today is summer and I feel great. I was put on new medication last December and it’s been working a lot. I don’t feel sad all the time and I haven’t dealt with suicidal ideations ever since. It feels weird to say I’m not depressed.  I’ll keep taking my medication until my psychiatrist says it’s safe to stop. I don’t want to be sad again. I think of this blog?? journal??? from time to time. But I don’t know if I need it anymore. I feel better now. A lot has happened but I don’t feel like mentioning it. If anyone is reading this just know that it does get better. It took me years but I genuinely feel happy now. I’m rooting for you

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.10.22

My birthday is coming up and I don't like it. I don't know if I should celebrate it or not. I want to ignore it, I want people to not know about it.

But I feel like a drama queen if I do ignore it because my reason is literally not wanting to exist.

I'm going to tell my psychiatrist how angry I've become since starting the meds. I'm angry all the time.

Lately I've been silent as well. I don't talk to anyone about how I feel.

I was travelling and sent my mom a happy birthday message on Facebook, but she didn't reply. I didn't want to call her because she was nasty last time we talked and I don't need that right now.

My presence in the gaming community is growing. It's a bit scary but I'll do my best.

I want to be a source of positivity, warmth and happiness. But is it because I want to love myself? Is it because I actually care for others? Am I selfish or not. I don't know anymore.

All I do know is the fact that I hate myself a lot and I feel like I got nothing to be proud of. I want to cease existing. My loved ones would live a better life without me bringing them down with my depression.

I don't know if I want to commit suicide because I don't want to live or if I want people to know how sad I am. Or both. Why would anyone want to die, when you can live. I feel like a horrible human being. Horrible.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.10.10

I woke up at 5 am. With nausea. I just got over a cold and then I woke up with nausea damn.

I got out of bed and I'm drinking water.

Yesterday, a guy from online reached out to me. Asked me if I was ok. I appreciate it but at the same time it made me angry?

I don't mind him, but I don't see him as a friend. I thought "Why are you reaching out, we're not even friends"

I just told him I didn't want to talk about it.

Worst thing was that he heard it from someone else who's not my friend neither. And he even said something that wasn't true. We talked about this once, over a year ago. Why would he think he knows enough to talk about my situation to other people??? Rude.

I keep getting frustrated with others not opening up to me. But at the same time, I'm keeping my situation to myself. I haven't even talked to my boyfriend much lately. He's busy with uni.

I haven't gone to uni for like a month. I wonder if this is it. It might be time for me to give up. To drop out. But I don't want to.

Bad thoughts not been too bad lately. Or maybe they have?

Instead of figuring out how to end myself, I've been thinking how to prevent it. Or chaos control? I want the police or an ambulance to be the first on the scene. But idk if I can call them without them getting here too quickly?? I live beside a big road and a lot of ambulances and police cars drive by every day.

Surviving an attemt is the worst possible outcome.

Keeping on living is second worst.

I've become angry a lot. Might be because of the medicine. I'll talk to my psychiatrist in about 2 weeks.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.09.13

I got up early and instead of browsing social media all day in bed I did it on the couch instead. At least I ate some food today.

My boyfriend got home and went to bed even though we promised to do chores together. He tried to get me in bed but I told him I didn't want to because I knew I'd end up falling asleep. He dislikes having the curtains open, but I get super depressed when they're closed. I could cuddle in bed with the curtains open. But I get too tired and depressed when they're closed.

I ended up running away. He's had a long day and I'm acting like a child I hate this. Thought of cutting myself but I won't do it. I just thought I should write down bad thoughts when I get them. Might help me keep track of it

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.09.11

A lot happened in a short amount of time.

I met a lot of people. I started playing my game more.

I quit my job.

I haven't talked to mom for 2 months.

I'm pressuring myself to do better on social media, in game, in person. But for some reason I can't bring myself to go to uni.... We're in the 3rd week of the new term and I went to uni 3 times. Only one of those days I managed to enter the class.

What is happening to me, why am I scared. I keep telling myself I'm trying to get better but I also think about hanging myself almost every day.

ALMOST every day. Almost. NOT every day. That's good. I'm still scared. Make it stop. I don't feel great.

When I feel horrible I don't know what to do. I feel horrible right now. I was diagnosed with stress induced depression as well as anxiety but am I panicking? Is this a panic attack?

I don't know what's happening but I want it to stop.

I've been refusing to vent in this blog but every time I come back I always feel better.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.07.30

I was feeling ok earlier and thought about blogging about it but I just took a nap and now I feel horrible and I want to die.

I work a lot and forget to eat. I want to work so I forget thw bad thoughts. I'm afraid I'll succumb to them if I don't work/build relations.

Maybe I should just stop working entirely and see if I'll kill myself or not. Both results would be ok.

[halfbreedconfessions]

I feel horrible. I wamt to go home. But I have responsibilities so I have to stay. I have no energy to keep up the facade. I told my friend how stressed I was and he walked away. Sorry for ranting, I don't feel well.

I want to die. I'm at the harbor, but I really don't want to drown. But then again. Would I rather live or drown?

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.07.04

If you die, you don't have to be stressed or scared anymore.

Goals.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.07.03

My boyfriend seem like he doesn't want to talk to me when I'm drained. Am I too much?

I know he dislikes talking to me when I'm suicidal. That's fair. But sometimes he avoids me when I'm tired or drained. As if he's afraid of me being suicidal again, idk how to explain it.

I'm lonely

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.06.26

It's easier to nurture the depressive thoughts and self hatred rather than trying to feel better.

How do you know you're getting better if you think of hanging yourself every day. Did I give up again? Am I even trying?

"go talk to someone, don't hold it in"

Lmao who should I talk to? My boyfriend? My friends?? My family???

If I don't want to get better, I shouldn't let them know I feel bad in the first place.

I want to tell someone so badly but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared. What am I scared of?

Hurting them. Making them feel scared. I just want to have fun and let them be happy. I want to be happy too but I also wanna die.

It's difficult to listen to people venting about their self loathing and suicidal ideation. You want to help so bad but you can't help if they don't want your help. I want help but I know I'll end up hurting someone if I tell. I already hurt my boyfriend.

It's just easier to hold it in and die.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.06.25

June came and passed. Wow.

Good news. I'm not being thrown out of uni, woo! I'm also in a good mood this morning. I don't feel like I want to die.

But if you asked me "do you want to die?" - I'd reply yes.

I had trouble falling asleep last night. I forgot I took my meds and stayed up for an hour after taking them, maybe that's why? I'm supposed to take it and go straight to bed.

Yesterday I was wondering whether or not I really wanted to die. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of sharp objects. I'm scared.

But if I'm scared, does that mean I don't want it to happen? The thought of preparing a noose in my livingroom sounds horribly reassuring, yet standing on a swaying bridge a few meters above ground scares me so much I can't breathe properly.

Maybe some ways of dying are just more preferable than others.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.06.22

I wonder why suicide is such a taboo. You should be able to decide your own death if you want to.

I won't do it since I have loved ones I don't wanna hurt. Even if I did do it. Why would they blame me. If I deemed it necessary to off myself, it's my decision. I'm hurting. Every day. It hurts. I want to cry but I live with my boyfriend and I don't want him to see me hurt, it hurts him too.

If I kill myself, it's because I can't bear it anymore. I've been fighting for YEARS. Don't judge me if I can't fight anymore. Feeling hurt constantly for years is draining.

Wanting to die for years is draining. Why live when you want to die. Let people die if they want to.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.06.21

I don't feel horrible today. I don't feel like dying. I just wanted to note that down. Today ain't great but it's okay.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.06.20

I feel horrible omfg why do I feel like this. I want to die. I'm hosting a local meetup soon lmao I hope no one notices I want to die :)))))

[halfbreedconfessions]

https://www.amazon.com/Iron-Gym-Total-Upper-Workout/dp/B001EJMS6K/

Saving this for later

[halfbreedconfessions]

I sulked a bit and then I grew some balls and went home. I had to run because of the bus but also because my friend might've followed me to drive me home but he was too slow. Nyooom. I live literally 4 stops from this place. I was afraid everyone would've gone home if I said proper goodbyes. I just hugged the host, yelled goodbye and left. We were 5 people. Inclusive my bf. I didn't tell him I feel bad.

[halfbreedconfessions]

2019.06.15

I'm at a friend's place but I'm too tired to socialize. I started streaming and have been streaming for 15 hrs over the last 2 days. I'm exhausted, I'm hungry and tired but I wanted to join just in case I lightened up

I got worse. I'm having suicidal thoughts again. My sis called and said some backwardsthinking things:

"Your hobbies are making you feel worse. I get worried when you're tired. It's definitely connected"

I'm still alive because of my hobbies. I met my closest friends through my hobbies. My hobbies are the only things that are good in my everyday.

I'm sure she didn't mean it that way but she said it at an unfortunate time. And it came out wrong. I feel horrible. A part of me wants to stop wasting time on games and such and work the 9 to 5 life. Cut everyone out except family and coworkers and just BE.

I can't stop thinking about hanging. I know which room I want it to be. Which doors to lock and unlock. I hope I'll do it but I also hope I don't.