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Hallmark Hunks review: Jack Turner

Films viewed for review: One Winter Weekend (2018); My Summer Prince (2016); I’ve also seen him in a non-Hallmark movie, The 10 Year Plan (2014) and in an arc on the Freeform show Stitchers.

DOB: Unknown

Quote: “Oh, not the wine charms... Makes you wonder how people kept track of their wine for thousands of years before they were around.”

Jack Turner appears to be on the cusp of becoming a Hallmark regular. He’s already knocked out the roles of naughty prince and antagonistic athlete -- pretty soon he’ll be an ex-corporate type making a new life in charity work and then, perhaps, a young widower architect/historian/bookstore owner with a small daughter who is reluctantly ready to love again. I suspect he may have the range to pull them all off.

According to his Hallmark bio, Jack studied (or, as the British say, read) psychology at the University of Oxford -- so, yowza. And he worked at Google for five years before going into acting. Pretty good credentials for a Hallmark Hunk. Perhaps it’s time for a movie about a hacker whose own heart can’t be hacked? (Call me for scriptwork, HC!)

Jack has a delightfully lean physique that makes me want to drop to my knees and thank God for men. He clearly does lots of cardio and low-weight/high-rep weightlifting. It’s working. His arms look like they could hold me nice and tight in front a roaring chalet fireplace -- but also like he could ably have chopped the wood for that fire not an hour before. Do I have high standards? Not really. Do I have oddly specific standards? Lil bit. Well defined dimples and a jawline that could slice cheese (and maybe some charcuterie for our fireplace cuddling) only sweetens the deal.

For once, Hallmark threw us a bone and let Jack show off his physique in OWW -- a brief shot of him putting on a shirt as he descended the chalet stairs near the beginning of the movie, and a longer stint in a sauna (along with the best friend played by Dewshane Williams, me-ow). Perhaps a kindly Hallmark executive figured the winter movies’ excess of bundling meant the channel could even things out with some fan service. I don’t have a shot of the OWW scenes, but I can do you two better; below are pictures from other appearances. Personally, I prefer Original Flavor Jack, but I understand if you lean toward the Extra Smooth option.

Acting: A-

Looks: A+

Do I want him? Like a snowboarder wants fresh powder.

FINAL GRADE: A

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Hallmark Hunks review: Niall Matter

Films viewed for review: Frozen in Love (2018). Matter is a Hallmark regular, but somehow I’ve missed his other movies. However, I am familiar with his work on the SyFy series “Eureka.”

DOB: 10/20/1980

Quote: “Sometimes an alien is just an alien.”

Matter falls into the scruffy bad boy category of Hallmark leads (as opposed to, say, Jesse Hutch, who is the scruffy cuddly woodsman type). But of course, Hallmark hunks aren’t actual bad boys; at worst they’re a little hot-headed while keeping good intentions. That’s illustrated here by Matter’s hockey star Adam. Whatever he did to land in PR trouble was pretty routine for a sport where people routinely lose their teeth. And yet he’s sold as the “bad boy” archetype for Rachael Leigh Cook to tame.

It’s not an enviable role, but Niall fills it admirably, and even manages to sell the idea that Adam is also a reader without it becoming contrived. He’s a good bickerer, and Frozen in Love is absolutely about two bickerers who fall in love. Still, I was hoping for a little bit more spark. Matter remains too level outside his network-mandated bickering. This is a role that relies on charm, and he didn’t exude quite enough to slake my thirst.

And as a fun bonus, his name is fun to say. NIY-all MAE-ter. NIY-all.

Matter’s got a winning body from what I can see in FiL. It can be hard to tell since he spends much of the movies wearing winter wear, but he was the resident pretty boy (and shirtless manscaper) on Eureka back in the day, so I assume he’s still keeping it tight. (And did you know he used to work on oil rigs in rural Canada? Store that fact away for a snowy day.)

When it comes to fashion, Matter is solid if a little too reliant on muted colors. Hallmark’s winter movies provide great opportunities for the men to accessorize too, and Matter looks great in a sweater -- even if he’s wearing the scarf wrong. Besides, you can’t enjoy under-the-sweater action if he’s not wearing a sweater, amirite? He’s believably coiffed for a hockey player (if free of injuries) and the scruff works well, helping sell the late-30s bags under his eyes.

My one complaint: Matter could stand to lower his register a touch. I prefer a deeper voice from my men, and his runs a scoche to high, especially for the built but toned look he exudes.

Acting: B+

Looks: A

Do I want him? Wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

FINAL GRADE: A

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EXTRA CREDIT

The actor who plays the brother of Frozen in Love’s female lead is played by Madison Smith, and he looks like a tasty snack. And he has a book podcast! Quite the catch.

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Hallmark Hunks review: Jesse Hutch

Films viewed for review: Let It Snow (2013)

DOB: 2/12/1981

Quote: “Thirty-two degrees? You might as well go outside naked.”

Jesse Hutch is some premium beef. I’m aware he’s a regular on Cedar Cove, but I’m not really into Hallmark’s series, so this is based just on his one Christmas movie. I could stand to watch him return to my TV during the holiday season. However, good on the network for snapping up this prime rib for one of their shows.

Hutch brings the kind of charm and charisma to Hallmark that not all the Hunks possess. I don’t know why the network is happy to keep picking lumps of mayonnaise for half their romance movies. But I demand a little more from my Hunks -- and thankfully Hutch delivers. We get raw anger and genuine tension with his parents, warmth and bemusement in his interactions with the guests and friends, and a delightful tête-à-tête with the female lead.

Speaking of whom, Hutch does all this opposite Candace Cameron Bure. I know she’s Hallmark’s head darling, but her acting leaves a significant amount to be desired. (Don’t @ me, CCB stans.) That he effectively emoted all that working with the human version of a plank of cedar wood is testament to his skill.

Physically speaking, Hutch checks all my boxes. He’s got a winning ruggedness that isn’t overplayed as hyper-masculinity. He balances the clean-cut look with a dusting of scruff that takes his face from boyish to manly. His smile gleams as bright as the moonlit snow. A soothing voice you want to read you “The Night Before Christmas.” We don’t see much of his body, but it’s clear he’s muscled without being ripped in that way that turns you off and creeps you out a little.

Meanwhile, Let It Snow lets Hutch showcase a variety of winning winter-wonderland looks. Frankly, this film treats him like an Abercrombie model in a Christmas photoshoot, and Hutch provides the perfect mannequin. Something about all that plaid flannel... you just know that he would build you a crackling fire and then cuddle. And yes, he’s perfectly satisfied being the little spoon if that’s what makes you happy.

Although he remains sadly be-shirted throughout "Let It Snow,” another network smartly gave us a peak at his pièce de résistance in another holiday movie. Merry Christmas to me!

Acting: A

Looks: A+

Do I want him? Dear lord, yes.

FINAL GRADE: A+

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Hallmark Hunks review: Justin Bruening

Films Viewed for Review: The Thanksgiving House (2013)

DOB: 9/24/79

It’s an unenviable task for a Hallmark Hunk to have to play a scientist or historian type. Most Hallmark men are “Man in the Gray Flannel Suit” types just working their way up the corporate ladder or of the more rugged rancher/craftsman/firefighter mold. The academic is much less common.

Justin Bruening, known in the wider world for his years on "All My Children" and a recurring spot on "Grey's Anatomy," does an admirable job portraying archaeologists as they really are: Earnest, intelligent, muscular, handsome... (Full disclosure: This reviewer majored in archaeology in college.) Bruening is definitely one of the more dynamic love interests in Hallmark’s stables thanks to a dynamic physicality (like his awkward exit from her back yard) and a decent range.

Bruening’s face is slightly bland for my taste, though he satisfactorily combats that with scruff -- and compared to some other Hallmark dudes he’s positively sculpted. He rocks the nerd chic look, especially all the seasonal sweaters. Still, couldn’t they have found a more form-fitting vest to combo with those rolled-up forearms? I know it’s Massachusetts in November but let’s see that physique, mmkay?

Meanwhile, the glasses frame Bruening’s face in a pleasing way, enhance his look and help give him an aura of authority, but unfortunately Hallmark saves the four-eyes look as an obvious sign that Science™ is happening so those afraid of learning something can zone out for a second.

As for his hair, I could have used a better mane. A Google Image search shows he can pull off a more styled look. Please, Hallmark, give me something to run my fingers through.

Acting: B+

Looks: B-

Do I want him? Somewhat, but he’s gotta sweet-talk me with some of that Mayflower honey first.

FINAL GRADE: B