hamletisabitch

[hamletisabitch]

[hamletisabitch]

👀🏴‍☠️💕🌈🦄

[hamletisabitch]

I was born with a curse called ‘I want to know everything’

[hamletisabitch]

Ahah what if it gets so bad I compulsively quit my job haha jk unless

[hamletisabitch]

I think the most fucked up thing about intrusive thoughts is it's really difficult to discuss them without discussing their content, because without a discussion of their content it's impossible to get across just how distressing and debilitating they are. "Oh, you have unpleasant thoughts sometimes? Yeah we all have that, I guess."

But if you discuss their content there's this huge risk of people just pulling away in disgust. "Oh god, you have THOSE sorts of thoughts? They should lock freaks like you the fuck up!" As if they think people act on every single thought they have.

[hamletisabitch]

how the absolute FUCK am i supposed to live long and prosper in these conditions

[hamletisabitch]

ofmd fandom talks a lot about the gay urge to inhabit the object of your affections - that common queer experience of having strong emotions about someone of your own gender and being unable at first to figure out whether you're crushing on them or just want to be like them. this comes up mostly in reference to ed/stede - which is to be expected since, well, The Show Is The Relationship and pretty much every important theme and idea in the narrative is reflected primarily through ed/stede. stede wants to be a badass pirate, ed wants to be a sophisticated gentleman, practically the first thing they do after their meet-cute is swap clothes and pretend to be each other, etc.

all that's unsurprising. what does strike me as a little surprising is i rarely see anyone - even and really especially the blackhands shippers - point out that izzy is very obviously doing that too.

his goal for most s1 is literally to take blackbeard's place! to essentially become blackbeard 2.0! this is not subtle! and yet when i see people talk about this it's usually framed around the premise that "izzy wants to become captain instead of ed" and "izzy is attracted to ed" are contradictory motivations and his real goal has to be one or the other, so that if you acknowledge izzy's got a thing for ed then it must be that he never really wants to be captain at all and is just going along with that plan because ed wants him to.

but there's no contradiction! izzy desires blackbeard and izzy desires to become like blackbeard and those desires are the same thing.

con talks a lot about izzy's lack of emotional intelligence, and in particular he describes izzy as lacking the maturity to understand his own emotions. the big sense i get from izzy for all of season 1 is that he knows there is something he wants very badly from ed and he genuinely does not know what that something is.

he tries to convince himself that what he wants is the kind of power that blackbeard wields, because that's the answer that makes sense to him. so throughout s1 his primary conscious goal is to become captain. at the same time, his obsession with taking over blackbeard's position is fundamentally an erotic one. power isn't really all he wants, but it is what he thinks he wants.

this changes at the end of the season when he gets that power and immediately learns that he himself is absolutely incapable of wielding it - that in fact he'll get himself killed if he tries. so now he knows that he can't have ed in any other sense, and he has to confront what he actually does want from him.

i said before that i think when izzy touches ed's face in ep 10 - "there he is" - that's the first moment ed realizes izzy is sexually attracted to him. i think it might be the first time izzy really knows it too. and now he's got to decide what he's going to do about it.

[hamletisabitch]

werk...

[hamletisabitch]

Missing my old job that I wanted to leave so bad. Thank you corporate healthcare job!

[hamletisabitch]

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[hamletisabitch]

"I reckon what makes Ed happy is you."

[hamletisabitch]

the thing about 10 pm is that 10 pm is basically midnight if you're not careful

[hamletisabitch]

[hamletisabitch]

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[hamletisabitch]

🌠

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[hamletisabitch]