handsomejack-imagines

[handsomejack-imagines]

what’s your opinion on people making fan art/moodboards/etc of you

You even gotta ask this? Listen, sweetheart, I love anything that depicts my likeness... If it's good. If not I might get a guy to shoot ya for wrongfully depicting me buuuut chances of that are slim, right? Art is subjective, or whatever kinda crap artists say.

I'm not gonna pretend that I don't like seeing this handsome mug everywhere even implicitly, (Can you blame me? Me-ow!) cuz that would just be a straight out lie. Ha! So, shoot your shot, kiddo! (No pun intended.) Just don't forget to pay the $300 Handsome Likeness Artist's fee before you get cracking! You /are/ using my face, after all.

Make it tasteful,

H. Jack

[handsomejack-imagines]

Welcome back! How was being dead?

Eh, 5/10 for this one. Maybe a 3/10, actually. Pretty alive right now, despite the fact that I am bored out of my friggin’ mind. Kinda wondering where those vault hunters went, I got a whole new shipment of Loaders full of whatever stuff the folks down at R&D shoved in ‘em. My moonshot button pressing finger is kinda getting itchy. H. Jack

[handsomejack-imagines]

Boys? Girls? Both? All? I mean it’s kind of obvious you’re bi (autocorrect said bitchy) but

Listen champ, I’d love to answer your question but this here? It’s a business account. You’re supposed to keep business and pleasure separate, y’know? Wouldn’t want Hyperion investors getting all pissy with me ‘cause I talk about my sex life, would we? ... DID YOU ACTUALLY BUY THAT? God, HAHAHA! So friggin’ gullible! Investors don’t give a Skag’s ass what I’m doing! I shoot people, I screw people, I sex people, and the money rolls right in, no speedbumps. Anyway, my answer is simple: women, women, and ladies. And/or anyone with my face. That’s fine too. Always gotta leave yourself with some wiggle room, H. Jack

[handsomejack-imagines]

*flips u off*

Well isn’t that a great “welcome back, Handsome Jack”! (I mean, technically this one’s been in there a while, but it sure is the first one I set my beautiful, shiny, well-lubricated eyes on.) I’ll see you in my office PROMPTLY... on Monday morning. ‘Cause it’s the weekend now. See you at 11AM, H. Jack

[handsomejack-imagines]

Heya basement dwellers and internet addicts—two highly overlapping demographics— it's your old pal, Handsome Jack! How ya doing? I'm doing friggin great! Opportunity's coming along well, and Hyperion stock is up 2000%! That's right!

Dunno if any of you dum-dums know stocks but that's prime buying time! Don't believe me? Heh... Well you should, cupcake. Who's the one sitting in a cushy chair in a giant-ass office adorned with their own stunningly sexy face, and who's the one sitting on their grubby butts in a chair that smells like a million butts scrolling the internet 12 hours a day? Incase that's a hard one for you: me and then you. In that order.

Anyway, I'm a busy man. Gotta get back to making money. Remember to invest, kiddos! Go on ahead and put your parents credit card number, the three numbers in the back, and the expiration date into one of our handy Hyperion Brand "Make Everyone Rich In Cash, Hurry! (up-invest-your-money-you-know-you-want-to)" machines!

Chop, chop, baby!

H. Jack.

[handsomejack-imagines]

you know... your body double whose real name rhymes with jimothy?

Listen sweetheart, I’ve got about uh, lets see… one.. two… three times seven carry the… about 21 doppelgangers (about half holographic half body doubles?) floating around, harassing people at any given time (21 ‘cause you gotta end on a lucky number). This “Jimothy” guy, whoever he was, is dead. Literally! I mean whoever the poor sucker was before Jack-ification is legally classified as dead. We print out official death certificates with fun little causes as to why the body can’t be recovered, get someone to deliver the news to their families (sometimes I get the body doubles to after surgery ‘cause why not? It’s freakin’ hilarious), and get on with business. After you sign that contract and go under that extremely painful, extremely precise laser scalpel, you’re Handsome Jack for life, baby (check: fine print).Aaaanyways, whichever of those extremely handsome body doubles you’re talking about, I’m sure he’s amazing. And sexy. And perfect. Y’know. Because he’s me. 

[handsomejack-imagines]

thoughts on ti- jimothy?

Uh, who?

[handsomejack-imagines]

Crap, I did it again. Uh... Y’know, I’m actually in the middle of working late for some top secret stuff I got planned for... awesome... gun... thingies. Really important, gonna totally innovate the way Hyperion guns work, you consumers are gonna love it! SO!! Post cancelled! Sorry people. Handsome Jack OUT!

Alright folks, I got a request from someone very special to tell you my thoughts about cowgirls.. cowboys, cow… folk (I personally am going with cowgirls). When I imagine cowgirls I think abouyt theijr sexy bbbbbbbb

[handsomejack-imagines]

Gah, sorry about that. Damn... paperwork. I’ll tell Meg no more interruptions while I’m clearly taking some time to write on my blog. What was I saying? Oh right, cowgirls are so frreakingg se

Alright folks, I got a request from someone very special to tell you my thoughts about cowgirls.. cowboys, cow… folk (I personally am going with cowgirls). When I imagine cowgirls I think abouyt theijr sexy bbbbbbbb

[handsomejack-imagines]

Alright folks, I got a request from someone very special to tell you my thoughts about cowgirls.. cowboys, cow... folk (I personally am going with cowgirls). When I imagine cowgirls I think abouyt theijr sexy bbbbbbbb

[handsomejack-imagines]

hey jack how’s nisha? :-)

Last time we saw each other she told me about how a band of marauders came through Lynchwood and she made quick work of ‘em and hung them all from the gallows as an example. So, y’know, I’m inclined to think that means she’s doing pretty well. The sex was still bangin’, too. 

[handsomejack-imagines]

Alright, well… confirmed name I guess. Consider me thoroughly shocked.  But lemme tell ya, I was gonna totally ignore the second part of this message. ‘Cause a bunch of idiots work for me. Last I checked we’re nearing the two-hundred thousands here on Helios and I don’t even know what the numbers look like in the database (couple million? My guess?). Why should I care about some faceless wage-slave? But, y’know, I got this feeling… Anyway, there were a couple of Rhys.. es.. Rhyses? Rhys’s? Whatever. Not a super common name (thank God), but there was this one guy whose name stood out to me. ‘Cause he.. he had.. pff.. the STUPIDEST last name I’ve seen in a while!  Guess what it was? Ah, you’ll never get it– freakin’ STRONGFORK.   Oh… HahahaHAHA oh my GOD I FEEL SOOOO BAD FOR THAT GUY!!! I MEAN I WOULD IF I FELT SYMPATHY FOR OTHER PEOPLE BUT– HAHA,  WHat kinda stupid surname is that??!??! How much did this kid’s parent hate themselves??!? Kinda debating on whether or not I wanna call him up here and laugh in his face though… Hmm…

Rhys is the name of one of your workers. Maybe you should check him out?

Wait, wait, wait… You’re telling me Rhys is a name?Nah. No way. You gotta be screwing with me. I’m gonna look this up. Just.. hold on a sec, will ya cupcake?

[handsomejack-imagines]

Rhys is the name of one of your workers. Maybe you should check him out?

Wait, wait, wait... You’re telling me Rhys is a name?Nah. No way. You gotta be screwing with me. I’m gonna look this up. Just.. hold on a sec, will ya cupcake?

[handsomejack-imagines]

Anonymous said: Rhys?

Rhys... Rhys... Reese? Reese-es? Like the candy? Yeah, alright, I’ll imagine that (I’ll imagine you’re better at spelling while I’m at it, champ). Mmm... Mm Oh yeah... Peanut butter and chocolate... That’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby! BRB loyal followers, Jacky gotta have-y.

[handsomejack-imagines]

are you making these with space ms paint????????

“Space MS Paint”? Those words supposed to have a meaning, kiddo? All the pictures I’m putting on this here blog are real pictures taken in real time. Got some neat new technology that allows you to see what I’m thinkin’ too, at the expense of photo quality. Other smart technology takes out the backgrounds, ‘cause I don’t want you weirdos seeing my office, yadda yadda.Anyway, point here is:

H. Jack

[handsomejack-imagines]

big boomer energies coming from this blog smh

No idea what the heck that means. You talkin’ about Flynt’s dumb first mates or what? Though, I dunno why you’d be comparing me to them– pretty sure I haven’t mentioned explosions once on this blog. ... Have I?Time to do some back-reading,H. Jack

[handsomejack-imagines]

@butchtrex​ said:  opinion on catch-a-ride

‘Catch-a-ride’, ‘Catch-a-ride’.... Where do I know that name from? Gahh, it’s on the tip of my tongue... Oh, right right, the thing that... guy says. The incest-y hick one, name begins with a S or maybe an E (Yes, no? Hell, I dunno, to tell ya the truth, everyone on that planet looks the same to me). ‘Catch-a-ride’? What, is that like, his catch-phrase? ‘Cause that’s the stupidest catch-phrase I’ve ever heard. And that’s saying something, ‘cause I once tortured a guy whose catch-phrase was ‘butt hunks’. Can ya guess what the first part of his body I cut off was? You’re thinking his butt, aren’t ya? Bzzt! You’re wrong, kiddo. Nice guess, though: It was actually his fat freaking tongue. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh right, ‘Catch-a-ride’... 0/10, dumb catch-phrase, done thinking about it.