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Dear You

5/12/17

B-

So, I’m supposed to be doing schoolwork right now, but these thoughts keep rolling around in my head and it’s making it hard to focus. I need to get it all out, but you’re at work, so I guess this will have to do for now.

Yesterday I said that you’ve seen all my crazy. But the more I think about it, the less I believe that to be true… I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but there’s this picture online that I believe describes me perfectly. It says:

“Before You Date Me

You need to understand that I’m damaged. I get triggered easily. I have struggled with things. There are nights when I’m curled up in a ball on the floor and I won’t talk to anyone. I’ll shut you out. I’m not going to be able to trust you for awhile because everyone else has left, cheated, or chosen someone else. I will need reassurance. I will need you. I will need you to keep choosing me. I will need you to care when I text you saying it’s getting bad again. I’m a lot, I know this.

So before you think I’m always happy, that I’ll always be positive, that I’ll always be smiling - know the reality before you get involved. Don’t enter my life if you can’t handle it. Lastly, don’t you dare touch my heart if you aren’t ready for that.”

If you want to be with me, B, I need you to understand these things. And I’m not saying this lightly. There have been times where I’m sitting in the floor of my bedroom at 3 in the morning, unable to sleep, unable to make my brain shut up, having my fourth panic attack of the night, and sobbing uncontrollably. I’ll sit there, my legs pulled up into my chest, crying into my knees, trying not to pull my hair out, feeling like the world is collapsing in on me for absolutely no reason at all.

My anxiety and my panic disorder rule my life at this point. I can’t go certain places or do certain things out of the paralysing fear that I’m going to have a panic attack if I do, or I’ll feel like people are watching me and picking and pulling at my flaws. Big crowds of people freak me out. If we’re in a big group, like at a concert or something, I’ll panic. I don’t know who these people are or what they could do to me, and now there’s a lot of them. And when I say I’ll panic, it’s not just me feeling scared. I’ll be petrified, my heart racing, tears brimming my eyes, more than likely in the floor running my hands through my hair and trying to focus on the way my hair feels running through my fingers rather than the hundreds of people surrounding me. But that doesn’t always work. So I try to avoid certain situations if I think they’ll be triggering for me.

I’m paranoid. Everyone who has told me they would always be here or that they would always love me no matter what, has left. My first boyfriend, was a sweet guy at first. We started off as friends, but I knew he had feelings for me. He asked me out a bunch of times and I always said no because I felt like I wasn’t ready for a relationship. But after months of him begging and begging, I finally went out with him. He took me on a date, and we sat outside the mall and talked for a few hours. I ended up telling him everything about me and my life and how I was scared about getting into a relationship because I was paranoid the person I was with would just leave. He swore up and down, forwards and backwards, over and over again that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he loved me and wanted to be apart of my life forever. And for some reason I believed him. So I became his girlfriend. Then about two weeks after we started dating, he convinced me to sleep with him (even though I wanted to save myself for my husband), and then he broke up with me a week later. He got what he wanted and he left.

Every guy that has come into my life has used me, didn’t actually care about me like they said they did, kept me around until someone better came along, or didn’t feel the same way I felt about them. So I think I am justified when it comes to being scared or paranoid. I’ve been lied to a lot. And even though I want to believe you with every fiber of my being, I’m still scared.

So, B, I need you to know everything before you start to get even more involved than you already are. If you date me, you’re gonna have to deal with a million questions everyday, tears, my constant nervousness, my 2 a.m. sadness and sometimes even my 2 p.m. sadness. You’re gonna have to deal with my overwhelming thoughts that make me panic, my anxiety, my random spouts of depression. It means you’re gonna have to deal with my mood swings when I randomly become really upset over everything about me and all my insecurities; about how I believe I’m not good enough for you because I’ve never been good enough for anyone.

You know that saying, “No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself”? That scares the ever-living shit out of me. What if I never learn to love myself? I look down at my body and I see how that part of me is too big or too fat. Or I’ll see my abusers’ unwanted hands on me. I look in the mirror and I don’t usually like what I see. I don’t think I’m beautiful, and because of that, I’ll always be scared that you’re going to choose someone who’s prettier than me or skinnier than me. Someone with less problems than me.

I’ve struggled with a lot of things. I am struggling with a lot of things. I will probably continue to struggle with a lot of things. And because I’m a very relational person, I depend on those closest to me. I am a lot to deal with. I can be hard to love at times. I can be hard to even deal with. But I promise you, if you stick by me, I will make it all worth it. And just because I’m not always sunshine and rainbows, doesn’t mean I can’t be the brightest rays of sunshine you’ve ever seen or the most gorgeous and biggest rainbow after a long thunderstorm.

For everything you do for me, from holding me during a panic attack, or reminding me a million times in the same day that you don’t think I’m annoying you, I will show you just how grateful I am. I will be there for you. I’ll buy you little gifts because I saw something at the store and it reminded me of you and I decided you had to have it. I will bake you cookies, I’ll cook you delicious food, I’ll cuddle with you while we watch all those movies you said you’d watch with me. But don’t think I’m only doing these things because I feel like I have to pay you back for what you do for me. I’m also doing them because I want too.

I care about you, so I want to find you random gifts, or hold you while you’re upset, or bake for you. I want to do these things for you because I can- because I want to make you happy.

Even though you’ll have to put up with my struggles, my hardheadedness, my random musical outbursts, the weird quirks I have, like how little things like books, or vinyl records, or flowers, or Christmas lights, or what-the-fuck-ever make me really happy sometimes, doesn’t mean I won’t bust my ass to try to make you the happiest man on the entire planet. Oh yeah, and you’ll also have to deal with me cursing like a sailor and being a fan of dirty jokes.

I’ll leave you sweet notes on the bathroom mirror in Expo marker, telling you to have a good day at work because you’ll probably leave the house before I’m even awake yet but I don’t want to miss the opportunity to let you know that I’ll be thinking about you while you’re gone. I’ll write you love letters. I love writing and I can express myself best through my words. I’ll kiss you constantly. I’ll love the shit out of you. I’ll love you like no one has loved you before.

You’ll have to deal with my batshit crazy family, and for that I’m sorry, but I honestly think you’ll get along fine with them. You’ll have to put up with my spontaneous side and the hopeless romantic in me. You’ll have to deal with my insanely high sex drive… Honestly though, if you date me, we’ll have good morning sex, afternoon sex, dinner sex, I can’t sleep sex, I made pancakes sex, bored sex, makeup sex, Monday - Sunday sex, there is nothing on TV sex, I just bought a new dress sex… Just expect to get fucked a lot. And everywhere.

Just read this…

“If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and until it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also knows how to treat you right is someone worth a little something… And a little more than usual.”

I’ll drive you crazy and be annoying, but then I’ll feel bad and try to make up for it. I’ll beg to go for a long night drive every weekend, and if I don’t get my way, I’ll fake pout till you kiss me. I’ll make you mad, but I’ll also make you happy. I’ll mess up, a lot. We both will because we’re humans and we make mistakes, but no matter what comes our way, I’m willing to work through it and fight for you. You’re someone I want in my life a really long time and I’ll fight my fucking hardest to make that happen because you’re worth it. Because I believe we’re worth it.

But if you date me, just know that:

I’ll make you a sandwich if you want it.

I have a very bipolar taste in music, but it makes car rides fun to go from Luke Bryan to Paramore to High School Musical to Tech N9ne. It keeps things interesting.

I’m too ugly to cheat on you (besides, most people annoy the shit out of me, anyway).

I don’t really hang out with my friends, so I can spend lots of time with you.

I have Netflix.

I’ll buy you pizza.

There is no pressure to wear pants in my presence.

Or any clothes at all, really,

But it’s up to you.

You can be the big spoon or little spoon.

Totally your choice.

I’m always ready to make out.

ALWAYS.

Also, you don’t have to buy me things. Just maybe an ice cream cone every once in awhile; that’s it.

I’ll let you lick it though.

I mean the ice cream cone.

Well not just the ice cream cone...

So even though you’ll have to deal with me and my crazy mind, I promise, no one will ever love you as much or as hard as I will. I’ll turn your world into a whirlwind of laughter, love, and support. I’m not going anywhere, I hope you know. I just hope you’re willing to say the same to me because I sure as shit don’t want to lose you. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met and that’s something I’m determined to hold onto. YOU’RE something I’m determined to hold onto.

Love,

That Girl Who Annoys You Daily♥