hanging-upside-down - Tumblr blog

[hanging-upside-down]

You're like a cigarette being put out in an open wound across the chest. Like an oily, sticky dagger being slowly, carefully but derangeingly painfully slid right through you, noticeably grazing your bones as it's pushed. The physical embodiment of someone's sick, sadistic fascination with the miserable and the cruel.

Your personality is like tar; gloopy, disturbed, heavy, sickening, dark, repulsive - and yet somehow, for some twisted, demented reason, people love it and praise it as if it were candy floss. You are the moral equivalent of spitting God in the eyes.

[hanging-upside-down]

Lachesism is the desire to experience a disaster.

This is the mindset I was subjected to before any time I texted you, or anyone else I knew then.

[hanging-upside-down]

People always meet each other at least twice in their lives. Plus I know where to find you, which helps. I can't wait for that day. Not to hurt you but to invite you to get a drink somewhere, I'll buy. I hate you to your atrocious core, you as a human being repulse me.

BUT. I'd still be nice to you, just to bury those stinging memories we (mostly) share even deeper in the sands of time, if for no other reason. It's a strange tangency of emotions; such deep, seeping disdain and abhorrence in symbiosis with the offer of an olive branch in form of kindness despite the past. The human mind is a marvel.

[hanging-upside-down]

I hope everyone you love leaves you for reasons you cannot understand and that anything you ever start fails miserably and that because of a self-inflicted mindset you never feel deserving of anything pleasant for the rest of your wretched life and that your crippling loneliness drives you into suicide and that after many consecutive unsuccessful suicide attempts you plunge into a state of constant madness from which you occasionally snap out of and see what horrible things you do, only to be sucked in by your rotting confused brain again and again

[hanging-upside-down]

You're absolutely immune to learning. You're the lost cause out of us two, not me.

[hanging-upside-down]

Special shout out to my best friend thwok who is one of the most narrow-minded, intolerant, wry, snarky, pretentious and oh my good God so insufferable people I've ever met.

I hope your stupidity catches up with you (which it almost certainly will, but you wouldn't know 🤡)

[hanging-upside-down]

We were much too young for that

[hanging-upside-down]

I'll punch you in the stomach so hard you'll piss blood for weeks

[hanging-upside-down]

Revolting sickening wretched ragdoll, fight back. You spineless gutless sickening coward, fight back. You coward, fight back. React, reply, retaliate, do SOMETHING.

You were once so utterly, utterly different, but how, HOW?? Someone so simple as you should stay constant and consistent, not change so unbelievably in so little time and over so little.

What do you call that server, what do you call those things you said, what do you call those things you wrote, those things you made, those things you did, those things you started, that thing you did nothing to save or preserve? What do you call those? I called them gold, I called them splendour, they were somehow my pride and joy. You must have known that, you surely must've. I said it often enough did I not? You seemed uninterested at times, but when you did express your lovely emotions you did it well. So well. I was addicted to it, I was addicted to you. I absolutely couldn't live without you, you were my everything. I was utterly at your mercy. I was lead by you, even if you had nowhere to go. I wasn't me anymore, I wasn't more than a trifling vessel for a heart lead astray by someone it had been demanded to be absolutely infatuated by. It was bound to yours by an imaginary line, a line of grueling obsession and enamourment that was strung so tightly it hurt our chests when we spoke late at night, its suspension so tight in fact that it nearly hurt to fill our lungs all the way but we loved it, even if only briefly, we loved it and each other so incredibly much that we ran out of ways to express it to one another, but we both felt it, oh so deeply and entirely and unforgettably. A kiss wasn't enough, a TONGUE kiss wasn't enough, a tight hug as tight as our arms would pull wasn't enough, declaring us each other's soulmates wasn't enough, swearing to forever take care of each other and each other's hearts with our lives wasn't enough, we *couldn't* get enough, we were always eager and ravenous for more ways to bond, to intertwine, to love each other. I always liked the definition of "to be enamoured". It means "to be filled with love for". It was accurate way back when.

We were each other's mortal drug, our ecstasy, our heroine. We were what we had never seen before, never *lived* before. It burned oh how it did burn, and it sweltered and it bubbled. Our eyes shot open and then fell half closed, crossing our eyes just a little bit. It was surreal, *we* were acting surreal. We appeared in each other's dreams and we coloured each other's cheeks bright pink from all those miles away.

We were so immersed in each other yet now we never talk. Until only recently we were at each other's throats, I was even prepared and and planning to kill you in boiling blood. Who are you now? You're not my Berg anymore are you? You aren't the little boy I convinced myself to love anymore. You aren't the one who sent me those letters, those drawings, those long messages. He is someone different. You are but a new ghost possessing his mind and soul. You pushed the old one out to make room for yourself. You brought with you a new person and I don't like who you've brought with you. Neither do a lot of other people, apparently. I'm glad we left off in a better air this time though.

[hanging-upside-down]

Sorry for kind of planning to kill you lmao

Went through some bullshit

Won't happen again

Hopefully, hm?

Also all the posts after this are just outlets, don't take them personally if you see them.

[hanging-upside-down]

Nvm we're cool now lmfao

[hanging-upside-down]

I'm not really religious but O Lord hear my prayer, please may nothing harm my and his current relationship. Being friends is good, much better than any alternative. I feel like I'm stepping on paper-thin ice every time I say anything to him, like one mistake and it's all over. Again. Please let him be just a bit persevering to keep this friendship going, even if we just say one day "yeah hope to hear from you again someday" and then only message each other on birthdays and Christmas or something. Just please let there be some sort of happy ending and not feelings of dread afterwards, please. 🙏🙏 Amen I guess

[hanging-upside-down]

I got nothing. I have absolutely no idea what just happened yesterday.

I'm really glad because it's so liberating, relieving, unburdening, cleansing to finally be able to stop with this fear-hate-overthink-repeat loop, but at the same time I'm more anxious than ever, I haven't been able to eat since like 2pm yesterday, which was when we started messaging again, and I've already managed to have two nightmares in one night since then (went to sleep, had the first night terror, woke up, fell back asleep at like 5am, had the second one).

I do want to change the way I am this time, not in the same way as last time. I tried to force this parasite of a fear out with, well, force. Obviously that was a stupid thing to do and it just made it worse.

I can't change the past, and thus, I can't change what I get anxiety from. However support and respect are two different things. And respect is common decency.

I want to let that idea override my allergy to lgbt and by association, you, but it's not that easy yknow? I'm supposed to just forget some of the most disgusting and frightening events of my life all willy nilly? Oh if only it were that simple. Even if I want to, I can't, it seems utterly impossible. The things installed in you as a young kid stay with you for life, and I was *4* when the first thing happened.

Am I recoupable or are my efforts in vain? I just don't know, and the uncertainty is killing me.

How can I make something normal enough to my mind that it stops having a half a heart attack every time I even think of you, God forbid text you?? Almost none of these reactions are intentional either, it's just fuckin instinct?? I guess? It's as if I'm not even in charge of that part of my mind, and lemme tell you, that shit's maddening 😩 it feels like insanity when I know it's really not but that in itself is driving me insane, it's fuckin torture

I don't know what to do, what to say, what to anything. It just hits so hard in our case because I know you so well and you're my friend. If somebody I don't know comes up and says "oh yeah I'm thisgender and thissexual" I wouldn't care nearly as much because it's like "ok whatever just don't involve me", but seeing somebody you've gotten really attached to change so much and so fast, well it fuckin broke me, as you already know lmao

And that stress and upheaval stuck with me ever since, which is what all this is about. I could convince myself of so much bullshit just a couple years ago, why won't it work now when I really need it to?? I have to convince myself that respect is worth more than stupid irrational fears goddAMN it

[hanging-upside-down]

You have absolutely no control over what I do to you. I've planned for every possible situation for more than a year now and you haven't even thought about it once after running to your bitchass friends for them to stick up for you, I'll bet. And even if you have, you're blatantly stupider than I, weaker mentally and physically, and much more dependent than I am. You have no chance against me and it would be wise to remember that when you try to justify yourself again next time we talk.

[hanging-upside-down]

You should be frightened out of all senses knowing you're just a sitting duck to me. I'm not letting you get out of this as unscathed as you have so far, I want you to writhe in anguish and plead with me for pity before I figure out what to do with you. Maybe I'll let you live but force you to stay silent by making you my roommate of some sort and having you keep you mouth shut, maybe I'll go through with my older cannibalism plot, who knows

[hanging-upside-down]

I'll poison you just enough to give you horrendous hours of hallucinations but not enough to kill you

[hanging-upside-down]

You've spent way too much time on the internet and it's really fuckin obvious