hann01 - Tumblr blog

[hann01]

i want to be a sweet and friendly girl but there’s all this anxiety. and the horrors

[hann01]

I don't want to live in a hole anymore.

Did you know I loved you so much, I made myself smaller so you could glow? I lost 15 pounds in front of you and you told me you loved my thigh gap. When I broke up with you, I thought you would realize what you had lost. But you didn't. You walked away. I spent the whole summer in a low, sad place. My mom got worried about me and now I have to take anti depressants. Which I feel ashamed of. My dad says I shouldn't travel anymore. But you know what? I don't want to live in a hole anymore. I feel better. I am a good person and I deserve the world. I deserve someone who can hold space for my amazing qualities and also hold space for my deep emotions. You are a fool. You are a pond, and I am the ocean. You are a distant star and I am the sun. In truth, you cannot put the sun in a box. It needs to shine, and it won't apologize for doing so. I don't want to live in a hole anymore. Life is better above ground anyways.

#CLEAN

[hann01]

“You are a wonderful manifestation. The whole universe has come together to make your existence possible. There is nothing that is not you.”

— Thích Nhất Hạnh

[hann01]

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Maya Angelou (via thoughtkick)

[hann01]

Dear Dad

I really didn’t like you very much my whole childhood. You were harsh to me, more than my sisters. You were strict, and irrational. I resented you for it. I was not sad when you and mom got divorced, I was relieved to have you off my back. As I’ve gotten older and I’ve ben able to look back with a clear view, not tainted with teenage disdain. 

We actually didn’t have it too bad. Maybe it’s my newly found optimism, and fully developed frontal lobe. One of my earliest memories was going into first grade. I walked into the classroom as if I was walking all alone into a foreign country and sat down in my desk by the window, ready for another school year. When you came up to the window and tapped on it, waved, and said “I love you.” I said it back. You did this every morning for the whole school year. You never missed a day. 

We spent many trips to the Alberton Gorge together, whether it was with my sisters or just us. It must have been the freedom of sleeping on a tent in a field, looking up at a full night sky of stars, that put us at ease. We were always similar like that. We would go head to head at home, but not here. We were free from the anxieties of life that turned us against each other.

Somebody once asked me what the worst pain I have felt that wasn’t physical. In truth, I couldn’t think of anything groundbreaking. Possibly my stoner boyfriend in high school cheating on me. Could be watching people die slow and gruesome deaths in the ICU at my first nursing job. But after some contemplation, I think the word non-physical pain I ever felt was when you told me your step father used to take you into your basement and beat you up as a kid. When you told me this, my heart broke. You said you had never told anyone that. You were no longer my strict father with a tendency to let anger get the best of him. You were a scared kid. You were a human, going through life for the first time, just as I am. I really stopped remembering all of the bad things after that. I try to remember all of the good things. Because even though we didn't see eye to eye, you never turned into your step father. You were strict because you loved me, and maybe in some asinine way, you saw a little of your kid self in me. You wanted to protect him, the way you weren’t. I’m not sure if I could ever forgive someone who did that to me, and I never had the courage asked if you did. 

For some reason, you know me better than anyone else. You understand this fire in my heart that is constantly burning. When confiding in you that I hate myself because I want to break up with my nearly perfect boyfriend, your words were the most real than all the others I consulted. You said you broke up with your girlfriend in Chicago because you couldn’t commit to her. That you didn’t even want to do it, you just knew you had to. I could feel the pain in your voice. I could feel the ache in your heart over the phone. It reminded me of a time back in college. We hadn’t seen each other in over a year, because you moved to Chicago. While I did feel slightly abandoned, we still talked a lot, even though you weren’t really talking to my sisters. I was 18 and just started college, and your problems were the least of my concerns. When I saw you, it looked like you had aged 10 years in just 1. You had tired eyes. Like you just sailed across an angry sea, barely making it out alive. Your mom and sister both died in that year, and I hadn't really thought about it much, selfishly. In a weird way, part of you had died too. You were broken. I’m not sure what changed in you, but you were more gentle after that. You did whatever you needed to ensure my sisters and I were cared for. You came to almost every one of my volleyball games, and provided a constant support system for me. When I told you I couldn’t afford rent, you paid it without hesitation and then sent me money every single month after that. On certain occasions, mostly when we are driving just listening to music, I can feel you missing them, or just trying to talk to them. Especially when we take a short break from listening to my rap music and play your music. You always play “If I could Only Fly” by myrle haggard. I pretend to not care about the dismal tune, and occupy myself. But I can see you calling to them: “If I could only fly, If I could only fly, I’d bid this place goodbye, to come and be with you.”

I want you to know that I love you, and that you have been my best friend over the ups and downs of life. Getting older is so odd to me, because of how your life changes, and how the chapters of your life end as swift as they began. I used to think that I was always at the peak of my story, or that a single chapter was the whole book. It was all or nothing. But as the days turned into months and the have months into years, I realize that all of my troubles were just the beginning chapters. Like how I was devastated after getting into my first fist fight. But in typical John fashion, you were proud. When we had to go to court and contest my misdemeanor assault charge, I was riddled with anxiety. You made me feel so much better when you said “My daughters first time going to court for assault, like father like daughter!” Now we just look back and laugh.

You always say we travel well together. The last few months have been worrisome for me because you have been getting your affairs in order, saying “My family dies young.” I laughed it off and said “good thing moms side of the family lives forever.” But whenever that time comes, just know I’ll remember all of our amazing times together. However, I would like it if you could stick around for a while longer. One of the best memories is being our road trip to Denver for my cousins wedding. It seemed that our theme song was “Me and Bobby McGee” by Kris Kristofferson. We sang and sang the whole drive. “Freedom’s just another word for nothin left to lose, nothing ain’t worth nothin, but its free. Feeling good was easy, Lord, when Bobby sang the blues. Feeling good was good enough for me. Good enough for and Bobby McGee.”

I don’t know much but I know that we are connected beyond this physical realm, and that we always will be. Maybe in another life I’m the dad and you're the kid, and I have to get beat up by my stepfather. God that’s going to suck.

I love you, dad. 

-H

[hann01]

The Great Gatsby (2013) dir. Baz Luhrmann

[hann01]

TOMMY + SMILING requested by anonymous

[hann01]

READ IN 2016 | a court of mist and fury ›› sarah j maas

[hann01]

I know I’m not supposed to, but I like Nesta. I understand her pain.

Nessian - A Court of Mist and Fury

“Come play with me, Nesta, and I’ll teach you far more interesting ways to bring a male to his knees.”

- please do not repost edits -

[hann01]

No one was my master— but I might be master of everything, if I wished. If I dared.

BOOKS READ IN 2016: a court of mist and fury by sarah j. maas

[hann01]

a court of mist and fury

[hann01]

“There you are. I’ve been looking for you.“ His first words to me— not a lie at all, not a threat to keep those faeries away. “Thank you for finding her for me.”

A court of Mist and Fury (2016). Inspired by x

[hann01]

movie meme: a court of mist and fury >> scene: starfall

Bits of stardust glowed on his lips as he pulled away, as I stared up at him, breathless, while he smiled. The smile the world would likely never see, the smile he’d given up for the sake of his people, his lands. He said softly, “I am … very glad I met you, Feyre.”

I blinked away the burning in my eyes. “Come on,” I said, tugging on his hand. “Let’s go join the dance.”

[hann01]

Welcome to the Night Court.

[hann01]

“Welcome to the family, Feyre.” 

And I thought those might have been the most beautiful words I’d ever heard. 

[hann01]

A Court of Mist and Fury (2016) - Sarah J. Maas “No one was my master— but I might be master of everything, if I wished. If I dared.”

[hann01]