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[hannahgrace20]

Unspoken longing

As time passes, people are getting older, we cannot control our hearts to feel excitement for someone. Not that old yet not very young to experience this way at least once, so when I already did, I will not stop but rather accept what it is.

Looking at someone and you think that they are handsome in your eyes, then you think you already like him. I had it one, he was not that close to me and encountered a life just a bit, so when there were times that I could see him, it really made my day whole.

I do not know him really well, and thankfully, he was just nearby.

While scrolling on social media, there is a question, "What could be your life when COVID-19 did not happen?"

And so, I question also myself, and one of my answers, well maybe we will never pr be this close enough, did not have the chance to know him. This pandemic made me realize that I consider a blessing for everyone, a chance for all families to be reunited and I am happy because it changes a lot, not only the things that people do but also the personality that a person has, in short, we were given a time to know that a life of a person is not a flat surface but rather to

be in a hills and valleys.

Now that it happened, I knew more about him, he was very gentle, not that talkative and a calm person. I don't know how to interact with you because I don't know how to express and act in front of you, there are a lot of days that we have been together but I still cannot control to be calm if your presence is around. I didn't want to tell this feeling and for everyone to know it, so, I just kept it on myself.

There are days that I feel that I am important to you, am I? Or I am just assuming? There are a lot of actions that I saw but none of them you mentioned or talked about it, so I just let things happen.

Every minute, I questioned myself if he really liked me too. I cannot imagine that he will like a person like me, because if I'm going to describe him as a person, a girl that he will really like is very gorgeous and not a boyish style like me.

Yes, this realization is torturing me so I let things happen, but when I am trying to forget it, he will just give a sign or a little bit of interaction.

Days become busy, and for me, his presence now when he is around near me doesn't give me the nervousness that I felt in the past, there are still feelings but not the same anymore.

One summer vacation, I did not expect that someone would come into my life. He is a friend of mine and one day I saw his story on Facebook, he shared a picture that he is in the Baguio, and at that time, I also there so I shared a picture of mine.

I did not expect that he would react to that picture and asked if I was still in Baguio, and I just said yes to him.

All the days became consistent, he was very cheerful and energetic, he shared a lot of his life and asked questions about me, and we happily talked together online.

And then it came to the point that no chats from him appeared, so I checked his account.

A short silence in my body to what I just saw, it was just a week or two and I saw my day, a girl who was standing in front of the sunset, all things stopped, and don't know how to react. I don't know if I'm going to be angry or what, but I just let him go away and be happy with that girl.

I don't know if I'm in love, because of what he did, my heart cannot explain its emotion.

He was the reason why I also lost my interest in the man I liked before, so, I thanked him I loved him for a bit, and a chance to let go also to the first man I really liked.

My friends know about the first man I like since then, and I don't know why they all do not like him, are they just judging his appearance and not his personality?

I really asked them about him, and all of their reactions and advice to me is to stop liking him because he was not good to me. A man who will not take it as seriously, he shows actions and also chats with me but I don't exactly know why we are in that part of the situation. And until today, it is still the same question

that will put in it.

I am putting away myself or making a space in him to let him feel if he really likes me or just me, missing someone will make you realize that you really love them. But I did a lot and still, there is no sign to show that he misses me.

I end to a part that maybe this story is not for me to continue, so if all will go away, then so. I do not want to force things in my life, if they will come, then I let myself know them.

From what I can feel, being in this style of life makes someone not look for one for the reason that you already practice living on your own.

[hannahgrace20]

Love and Loss

Walk faster the two of you

why don't you hold your mother's arm and be on her side if you want us to walk faster, dear?

Dear, this is a man carrying a bundle of big wood. I'll just help her and go follow me only.

Go dear, I'll hold Mama for a guide.

Excuse me, Mr.? Let me carry those woods for you, will you?

My pleasure, thank you for the offer.

That's nothing, well, by the way, I'm with my-

oh, wait, Mama! Jean!

Hey! Where are you?

Jean! Ma-

Roger, Roger, wake up

Mama!

You are dreaming, Roger. Is everything okay? You are crying as I woke you up a while ago.

I just dream of you and Mama, and both of you suddenly disappear.

Do not worry, Mama is still in her room, our baby is also with you here.

How lovely yet tragic the day it was, holding my cute baby girl, our first and last with my beloved Jean. I promise, my dear, I'll take care of our daughter, please rest now.

When Jean died giving birth to Cannie, I was with my mama taking care of my daughter.

Her family was saying that I was the reason why Jean died for giving birth to our child.

How hard to think that the birthday of my daughter will also be the day when her mother died.

More years pass, and now that Cannie can already build a family, she meets someone and makes a family.

A girl, Cannie's first baby is a girl, this reminds me of the past.

After her first baby, she had a son and a daughter again, Cannie had three kids when Mama had also rested.

How many days, months, and years pass, I can feel and say that I am now become older, accepting that my days are also slowing down. Cannie had 5 children already. How happy am I because I had a chance to see my great grandchildren also, the 2 kids of my first grandchildren?

I can see the husbands of my daughter and my first grandchild, comparing them to me is very different. Their husbands have a chance to care for their wives but cannot see the blessing in it.

Just the last few years, Cannie's husband was stressed, so he made a way to stop his breathing, and one of Cannie's sons witnessed what happened then.

On the other hand, the husband of my first grandchild doesn't know his responsibility in his family, not even a husband to his wife and a father to his children.

He treats her first child, who is a girl again, and thinks she is already old but the real thing is she is only 5 years old.

I can feel now that he doesn't love his family, so, what my granddaughter can do is to put her family away from his husband.

If it is ok to be the father of my daughter and my granddaughter, maybe their family will be full of love.

This reminds me of the dream I had when my wife was still alive, it just made me realize that it was given me that dream to prepare for these things and that I will be the only one to fight for every battle since Mama and Cannie were not here anymore.

For Jean and Cannie, cannot carry all of this wide love of mine to you, I am grateful that I am your partner and your father, you both became strong even though you both had a man who did not go along with your life.  As long as I am with you, I will always take care of all of you and I will be your everything.

I know I am now weak, but I am becoming a man to our family if something goes wrong.

I hope you're also ready to be a woman without my love, I am thankful for the reason that your husbands put both of you to be a strong woman without a man.

This is a story my lolo is always saying to me, I don't know if he doesn't remember that he already said that to me.

Maybe because your Lolo always wants to tell that to you, it's because that was the time when his wife and his mother were all together.

Oh, yeah! That is right, I know the Idea why he always telling to me. I am blessed you are here just to listen to a part of my life about my lolo

I also really appreciate when someone is sharing the stories of their lives because, in that way, I feel that you are believing in me that I won't tell to everyone. Thank you for inviting me here at your house to have a coffee together, I am looking for more ahead. The love story of your Lolo is very pure, and up until now, I can see how he cares for his family.

Jenny, you know what, I am happy we met together even in these old days, I am gaining a lot of lessons in your life and all of your knowledge, I feel like you are my real older sister and I am your younger sister who you care a lot, knowing that we just met, how I wish I met you when we were still young.

Grace, I am also grateful that I became your older sister, every time we are together, feels like we are away from the problems in our lives. I hope to know you more and let us grow older together.

About that part, I cannot promise that we still grow together, because in a short time, we are going to move now to another place, but even though that is the situation, I am hoping that we still see each other.