hanzobenzo

[hanzobenzo]

It's unfair.

It's fucking unfair.

It's unfair that you obligate us to go inside when the whole world is just heading out. It's fucking unfair that you shut us up when we raise our voices. It's unfair that you stop us when we dance and judge us when we cry. It's unfair that you strain us to the pity of service or care that you give us then expect that we return even with all the shit that you got us through. It's fucking unfair that we can not hold you accountable for all of this. It's fucking unfair that you're the upper hand and you get to be mad at us whenever you want. It's unfair that you gave us the life, the hell, the torture that we walk through everyday. It's unfair that we can not see the lights of the dark sky or the black sea reflecting our persona into the shining clouds inside our eyes.

You're unfair.

You don't own shit.

You never will.

You're fucking unfair.

[hanzobenzo]

It's hard to live with someone who's heartbroken everyday. It's like trying to collect broken pieces and trying to fix them without getting injured. But you have to bleed somehow.

Falling apart is not the worst, getting back up is what takes all your energy and leaves you broken.

When you don't know if you should just let go and run away or if you should endure more, if your patience is rewarded or if it's all gone for good.

It all started with small actions, white lies that aren't white any more. Gestures which are out of any emotions or love or passion. Feeling like you're just another task in their lives. No homage or salvation in these walls anymore. Only four ghosts coming in and out. Waking up and going to work at the sight of the breakfast table served but left unattended. Appetite completely gone at the sight of it. And they call it love and care. They say that the dining room is the best room in the house because it's where you share and talk to your family. It's where you connect and feel the love of your home.

Once the sight of these gatherings is gone, so is love and care. No such thing as "home" exists anymore. Only a place where you spend your errands and do your chores.

It's been 8 months, this isn't getting ny better. Trying to reason with everything is not the best choice anymore. It's time to let go, and to start over new. But this family is so stubborn, so hot headed yet determined to continue carrying out the broken pieces from the ground and wound their souls every time.

Some might find strength in that, some might call it bravery, but for what? And for how long? I do not see any progress happening and at the end of the tunnel I see no lights.

I have these visions more often now. These thoughts that felt like daydreams but darker. I know this isn't a real word but it's like having a daymare instead of a nightmare. Thinking about how the people you love will leave you, or vision their death. With darkness all around and no sight of anyone. I sometimes cry out of nowhere, without any reason, I find tears on my face and I don't even know how they ended up there. And I wonder if I'm cursed to see bad endings or sense when people getting closer to death. Because i know that it happened before. When my grandfather died I stayed awake the whole night with my heart pinching me telling me that something is going to happen, and right there into the night is when I hear my mother sobbing and mourning his death. And I couldn't say or do anything about it. This feeling of hopelessness and desperation. I don't want it to come to me when something bad happen. Because it's worse than getting wounded by the broken pieces that has shattered on the ground of your soul. It's worse than choosing between letting go and staying in. It's a feeling that you'll hate yourself after it. It's like you've been swallowed into a dark loop of smog and the only way to get off is to give up. But the last thing you wanna do is giving up because once you do it, you're gone too.

[hanzobenzo]

I haven't updated this blog in a very long time.

Things have been going up and down. Lately, nothing in my life seems to go steady, it's all a rollercoaster ride. I'm working 2 jobs now. It's been like this for a while, but I always think of quitting one and focusing on my business instead.

So many options I have wasted already, people at my age are already going places, making families, getting out of this hell of living. But I'm still here because I have to count a thousand times before taking a step forward..

It's all because of my family. Everything is unstable and I hate that my parents keep falling apart and it's like their love for eachother is draining and will end eventually, but I still feel like I need to be here for them.

The only thing that's really keeping me going forward is my book business. It's been growing like I never imagined before and this makes me so happy.

I hope that one day I'll build my own library and get books from everywhere around the world. This is the only dream that I care about right now.

I think I'll update more in the upcoming days.

I just wanna feel better than I'm feeling right now. I'm not used to being this down and sick.

[hanzobenzo]

I am finding myself feeling very lonely these days. So much has changed during the past few months. So mny tragic events, yet my life is still going. It's just weird how pur bodies and souls can carry such heavy occasions but still we get up every morning and do what we can do. I mangaed to survive 2020 just fine, but I never knee that 2021 would be so much tougher. The virus had got to me after all this time that I managed to survive. I fell ill, barley able to breathe, with a sore throat and my body aches from head to toe. I've been lying in my bed for two days now. Reading through The Midnight Library, listening to the same indie playlist, drinking water but mostly staring at the ceiling. I started to notice so many details that I've never paid attention to before. There's a small crack in the top shelf of my library whoch wasn't placed correctly. My desk had a missing nail. The fan needs cleaning but nobody ever bothered to do that even though suddenly I had the urge to stand up, get a wet towel and start cleaning it. But I could barely get up to eat. All the hours of these two days felt the same. It's like time has somehow stopped. I missed two days of work without even letting them know that I'm suck. I ignored all my deadlines and duties. I now have missed one week of gym. I was sick, but I was also busy figuring out what has become of my life. Is it normal trying to work 3 fucking jobs at the age of 23?! What the hell am I even doing? Do I want these jobs? What have become of my dream to open a public library? What have become of my dream to travel at least 3 different countries in a year? I was supposed to publish 3 research papers by the age of 25, this is what I used to tell myself at college. sometimes I feel very lonely, I start to think of my past, the people that I used to talk to but I never do that anymore, how I narrowed it down to 3 people that I talk to online and meet only once every few months. Am I even living a healthy social life? Is this the average amount of relationships you have at the age of 23? I'm just terrified of this reality because it's nothing like what I wanted. A lot of things have collectively disappointed me during this year. People, wasted opportunities, family, and business. But at least I've discovered my self worth and how much I've been treating myself like shit for so long. I let a lot of people cross the line and treat me like shit as well, as if I was not present or always ignored the way people treated me. I'm now more aware of the red limits that people should never cross when talking or interacting with me. Perhaps I used to let people in without any warning because I was afraid about what they'll think of me. Loneliness used to scare me, but now it has become a very common feeling.

I always like to remind myself, You have no one but yourself in this world. You were born alone, you'll die alone, and no one will ever love you or care for you as much as you love and care for yourself.

[hanzobenzo]

[hanzobenzo]

Bestie you're not okay. You need to heal. You can't heal others without healing yourself first.

[hanzobenzo]

“Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest — thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated.”

— Beau Taplin, Temples

[hanzobenzo]

Sometimes I have a craving to be engulfed.   And even though this could mean anything, you think you know what it means to shiver with well-practiced yearning.   Not for provincial beginnings, nor Moroccan boys,   but for lip-shaped crescent moons left on teacups. An oil splash of a man with scarred hands.   In this poem, he doesn’t have a name.   Your own dumb luck pools around your ankles. We skirt around it, a kindness.   It disgusts you, the depth of this need,   like the slick walls of a well.   Your bones ache most when held. Eventually, you’ll have to stop impersonating a skimmed stone.   There are other ways of parting.

— Momtaza Mehri, from “Reciprocity is a Two-Way Street”

[hanzobenzo]

Practice self love. It will send good things towards you.

[hanzobenzo]

It was Valentine's Day, or more accurately, night. The alcohol was running in my blood for a while now. I didn't wanna take a habbit, but sometimes, dealing with my mind gets a little bit too much. Single again. After a relationship that lasted 4 years. I could count it in days but who cares how many days we spent together, now that it's in the past, nobody should care. Me of all people should not care at all. I took my time to refresh my mind and settle my heart for new beginnings. But it was too much for me to start anything new. I still haven't recovered even when I look "fine".

So I took my first shot trying to get lost in the atmosphere and forget about all the things I've been running from. But they kept chasing after me, so I took another. No matter how much I get used to drinking, I could always feel the stinging on my lips, and the liquor burning my body from inside out. And I love that feeling. It's truly the beginning of something, something that I'll probably will never remember. Because once it kicks, I won't be there. But people will. And they'll be watching my moves and listening to whatever comes out of my mouth. At some point I get back to check if it's over inside my head. But it's always dark and noisy. It scares me sometimes so I run away again. Ever thought of living with a part of you that you hate too much? I have to deal with it everyday. I have to scold her for saying what I don't wanna say, for desiring what I don't wish to do. One time she kissed 3 guys while I was away. At the same fucking bar. I keep asking myself why do I need that much passion and love from others? When did that needy feeling come from? I still don't understand why I get so attached, and so obsessed with people so easily. And I hate it. Because that's not me, that's her. But she always whispers in my head. I am you and you need to accept me. Should I get her out and confront her? Or should I keep her inside and struggle with opposing whatever she's up to? It's a never ending conflict that I have to deal with everyday. And that's why alcohol exists. On that same night, I don't remember how many people I've texted. I fucked up some friendships, I fucked up around two people that I potentially wished to work with in the future. I was messed up to the point that I opened Instagram and started throwing random replies to every story that I watch, with my blurred vision and half asleep mind. I thought I had nothing to lose. At least until the next morning. One of these lost replies was aimed towards him. And he replied. Then he called. I always wonder about how everything in my life could be planned earlier by my subconscious brain, like when I see someone and I decide that I want them in my life, I'll get them to be in my life. But this was somehow different.

Yes we talked before, we were friends nevertheless, but we never thought about it. At least I never thought about it. Well not before this month. When he visited and came to my house. I took a picture of him looking at the bird we had. And for 15 days, it never left my mind. He was cute, I thought. Do I like him? Maybe. But that's also what I thought when I met my ex. Look at us now after 4 years, acting like strangers even when we share the biggest group of mutual friends. But when we hangout, it's like we are meeting for the first time. A cold "hi", and trying to pick up the farthest seat from each other. I didn't want it to end up like this. I told him we could be friends, but turned out I was asking for too much. That's the price you pay for making expectations that were too far from reality. I made a promise to learn from that mistake and never do it again. So I tried to keep my feelings neutral as much as possible. Yes he's cute. But let's not jump to conclusions. Until I was totally drunk and she came out.

She had no limits and nobody would stop her. She was the seducing one. The one who gets whatever she wants no matter the cost. The fearless affectionate one. And I couldn't handle all of her shit so I'd just watch and wait. We talked for 4 hours. About all things. Mostly sex, and kinks, and whatever the fuck our horny minds were into that night. I don't remember shit but I can flash up some bits of that conversation. And I remember it involved moaning. Everytime I look into his face I remember that I was there and this really happened. But it was night talk. He was being kind by being there for me when I've hit rock bottom and that's it. All my wildest fantasies were locked inside my head after that night as I sober up the next day and realise the truth. We were back to nothing. To point zero again. Just like any other one night stand. Except that I'll keep talking to him and meeting him more often causing it to be a struggle rather than just a sweet memory. The best thing about one night stands is that you never get to deal with the other person again. But when you get attached to your one night stand, that's when you're truly madly fucked up.

I knew it was hopeless and I didn't want to make a big deal so I just called it off stepping on all my feelings at once. And stepping on her for the first time declaring that I also have the right to take control and I call that an achievement. I was surprised that he tried to draw me, which got me thinking, was he really thinking of me that much?.

Even though I was drunk to hell and I barely remember anything from this particular night. I still remember how I felt at every hour of it. Because feelings are saved deep down inside us and they never leave us. And it was a sweet feeling. The feeling of being loved, cared about and wanted. The feeling that gives you strength and power even if it was false or misleading. He made me feel something, and I did the same. And that I shall cherish forever, no matter what comes or goes between us. For he is my sweet sweet friend and my dark nights companion.

February 15th 2021

[hanzobenzo]

You can either be a good friend or a fuck boi but you can never be both. So choose your weapon wisely ✨

[hanzobenzo]

Today my therapist told me to write down every traumatizing situation that I've been through since I was a small kid. I kept writing for I don't know how many hours, while crying my heart out on every paper. My hand started hurting because of how fast I wrote. I couldn't keep up with my shower of thoughts. But I made sure to let it all out. I've always heard that this could relieve some of your issues and heal your pain, but I have never done it before. Today after writing down everything, she asked me to burn them and cite "I forgive you, I forgive myself, I am free now".

So I did it, then I cried out some more. I felt so much more better after this excersice.

I came into this therapy session thinking that I'm not getting anything out of it, but I trust my therapist and the excersices she's given me so far. I could feel that there's a little part of me that's changing, or healing maybe. And I appreciate her being in my life ❤️

[hanzobenzo]

It's the first night with my dad away from home. He decided to leave us behind and walk out of the house. We tried to talk sense into him for 4 days but we couldn't get to a different result. Whoever played with his mind and made him think this way, I blame it all on you. That's not what I came here to say though, I wanted to say that it's hard without him. I don't know if I should sleep the night off being mad at him, or should I send him something and ask about him? He gave up on us yet I still can not give up on him and I care about him.

It's weird how sometimes you cling to people who don't want you, but leave those who want you so bad in their life.

Life is weird and it isn't fair and it's also fucking scary. I still don't know how am I supposed to cope with this new way of life. A family that's torn apart because of a mistake, a stupid ugly love affair that I used to watch in movies and tv shows and never thought for once in my life that it could happen in my real life. But you can not expect anyone's actions. There are no such things as heroes in this world, there's only sinful humans.

[hanzobenzo]

We've been dreaming about having our own house for so long. We struggled through years of being displaced from one place to another. Since 2003 I have been to more than 3 different countries, 7 different cities, 8 different houses, and 16 different schools!

This isn't a life of a normal child, nor a normal family. We have never been the ordinary family. Until this day we still have our problems and drama. My parents are not on good terms all the time. My sister is studying away. And I have been not around for the past 5 years as well. It was this time more than ever that we need something to bind us together, something to remind us that we are a family.

We need a house.

So we're building one.

After years and years of hardworking and money making. After years of education and experience. After years of not having a stable place that we can call home. It's time to settle down and have a break. It's time to dream of a resting place. A place where all four of us are welcomed and needed. A place where we can get back to, in case life turns its head on us. A place to call home. A place where we can do the activities we love most. Where we can have our pets and raise our children. Where we can watch ourselves grow and be.

This is the first picture we got of the front view design and I can not wait to bring this to reality. I can't wait to see my house flourishing and holding us altogether.

Let's go!

[hanzobenzo]

It's really stupid when your anxiety takes the most of you in the moments that you wanna enjoy the most.

Unlike the books i read, when two people meet and notice the small details about eachother, the way their hair is done, What they're wearing, the colours of their skin, the sparkles in their eyes and most importantly the shareable excitement they see together. Unlike all of these things, I can only notice my heart racing and my hysterical laugh filling the unknown atmosphere that my brain is not used to. I hate how my blood streams faster whenever i meet someone to the point that I could only hear my mind rather than hearing the outside world. Instead of smelling their perfume, I stress about not smelling good. Instead of looking into their eyes, I keep looking down at my phone or stare at random stuff avoiding eye contact. Instead of following up their conversation, i struggle to look up for what should i say next without feeling awkward and making them realise that I'm lost in my own maze of a mind.

I could speak a thousand words at a single minute just to avoid the circles of thoughts from controlling my whole body and making me look as lost as an abandoned lighthouse.

This is not fair. I wish I could enjoy hanging out to the fullest and pay attention to all the details that's around me. I'm sick of being stuck inside of me. I hate me.

[hanzobenzo]

I hate pooping on my period

[hanzobenzo]

harry had his own existential crisis in Japan so now he’s trying to make the rest of us have one