happilyneverafters

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

it’s pouring rain outside.

and I’m thinking of you. but let’s face it. when am I not?

but this time. it’s different. I realized something. just like this rain. our privacy. has been washed away. our story. was falling a steady rain. and now the water of your memory. is flooding.

I shared you. I wanted to share you. I wanted to scream you. at the top of my lungs. for every one to hear. to paint you. and her. and him. and us. and show you. alone with any one who wanted to see. every inch of what you were. but I forgot that meant exposing me.

I wanted us. to be us. details being written in perfect description. hoping to grasp. every bit of you. and her. and him. and me. hoping to relate. to anyone in as much pain. as me.

but the privacy. wasn’t so private after all. was it? I was proud of what I had to say. and how I said it. I was thrilled. to keep you alive. in my life story. even if you became fiction. I was hopeful. that you would read it. and it would click. and in turn. you would become reality. again.

but instead. it hit me. just like the man in my books. the man that I love. is just a fictional character. that the author created. knowing I would fall for him. knowing I would be content being alone in life. bc I have him. you became the same. a fictional character in my book. that I was content being alone in life. bc I still had you.

but so did everyone else. so did everyone who read.

so now it’s time. to close this chapter. and start another book. whether your character makes appearances. or doesn’t. our happily never after. is someone else’s happily ever after.

but no offense. I won’t be reading that one.

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

5/10/2020

This dream was such a different type of dream that I don’t even know if I can explain it enough to make you feel what I felt.

I’m walking in a library, a very quiet and empty library, so peaceful and a perfect place for me. Unfortunately someone is walking with me, trying to talk my ear off... she’s getting on my nerves, please leave me alone. As I turn the corner, I see the library turn into a small quaint art show. This is incredible, things like this complete me. I begin flipping through a stack of canvases... until I see one... a flat medium sized canvas, full of mini photos... of me in the large outline of you. It’s absolutely beautiful. So beautiful. But I’m confused. The woman following me makes a comment about the photo and I hear your voice... you turn around, wearing a teal suit, dressed up for the occasion. You go to discuss the artwork that the woman commented on and I begin to fade as you speak. I realized that I’m dead... not physically there but watching you, hearing you speak, watching you cry as you tell the woman the story of the photo. I feel myself falling. Then I wake up, but I wake up in my dream, in my bed, and I fall back asleep. But instead of the sleep paralysis demons smothering me, making me silently scream, I felt you. Laying on top of me, burying your face in my neck, crying and holding my hand. I hugged you back, though it wasn’t me... I woke up. From the entire dream. And was alone. Far away from you. What does this mean? Am I dead to you, or do I just feel that way? Do I fill you the way you fill me, like the artwork in my dream? What are you trying to tell me?

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

“next person in line, please. yes ma’am, hello, choose your way of dying.”

I would like to die a death of drowning, please.

“are you sure ma’am? we do have death by suicide or murder... wouldn’t that be easier? less painful? we also have death by accident... that may be quicker? may I ask why you choose drowning?”

because my life was like I was drowning anyways, so why not? I never quite had it right, you know. my head frequently felt underwater due to stress or hurt or confusion or even due to excitement and me being too high-strung. I would like to feel like I was floating... even if I’m going further and further below. my days are filled with metaphorically drowning myself in him, and in her, and in me, so why not realistically drown and fill myself with him, and her, and me too. suicide isn’t always successful. murder means I have enemies who want me gone, which could still be true. an accident doesn’t have meaning. I would rather drown. so that I can take my time saying goodbye to the things that made me want to die in the first place... make my misery last just a little bit longer as if it hadn’t driven me to this point every single day to begin with. I would rather drown, so I could see his face... so I could hear her voice... so I can blame nature as the beautiful cause... so I can’t be found at the bottom of the sea... so the panic I’ve held in can turn into peace... so I don’t have to see his face... so I don’t have to hear her voice... so I don’t have to cause grief... and so I can know if drowning in water feels like how it drowning alive feels. I chose drowning because I am drowning as we speak... I feel like dying as we speak.

[happilyneverafters]

I’m angry. so angry. where my tears feel like fire running down my face and my stomach twisting and turning until I make myself sick. I want to scream. I want to break anything around me, including myself.

on one side, people believe you can manifest anything or anyone into your life. they tell me if I want you back, I can make it happen. others tell me to pray about it. that if God truly wanted our paths to cross, they will again, and if not, someone else’s path will. then there are people who say forget it. that you’re not worth it. that you’re happy. or if you truly cared, you’d come back but you haven’t. then some say in order to never have regrets, I can’t just sit back and watch the love of my life live the life I crave with someone else and that it’s my job to go find you.

I would rather drown in the deepest of waters than have to figure out which scenario is correct.

I’ve prayed every day, multiple times a day, for your return since the day you left. I learned to manifest and I’ve tried a million and one times. I’ve blocked you in every form of communication that I can, even killed you off in the story of my life... then brought you back, of course. I have too much pride to reach back out, seeing as how horrified the last time left me, so instead I sent a simple happy birthday text... hoping that seed would flourish.

I know you’re someone else’s. I know that. so why can’t I grasp it? why won’t it register inside my mind? does she make you happy? truly? because from the information I’ve gathered... I can’t see how she would, not the man I once knew at least. maybe I’m wrong. let’s face it, I have absolutely no idea the kind of person she is, I just assume. but maybe it’s weighing on my heart because I know deep down it to be true.

so I’m back to square one. I’ll manifest you back into my life. “if you visualize it, it will appear” “use your third eye to communicate to them” “say these words 5x each day for 5 days and...” “relive a familiar scene from which you both shared”..... ugh, what am I doing? God, I come to you in prayer, begging you PLEASE hear me, please open my ears to hear what you need to tell me, open my eyes to see what you need to show me, open my heart to feel what you need me to feel and clear my mind to rid me of my own beliefs and to understand yours in this situation. I can’t do it anymore, God. it’s coming close to a year and I am still slowly dying. I should be grateful, and I am, for all that you have given me and shown me, but the weight is becoming too heavy and I wish I could just come home. why can’t I just come home? is it You, God, that keeps him in my head and my heart? are you teaching me something? patience? or is it Satan, God, that is torturing me with his absence? revenge? bringing me back to the dark, unable to get back out? if he is happy, keep him happy and allow me to accept it. if he is for me, help me to find patience and rid me of the grief. if he isn’t for me, I pray that you erase him from my mind. but God, please, please save me from this because I can’t see the light and the end of the tunnel. Amen.

but then I wake up and you’re still on my mind. great. I’ll check your social media, seeing if you’re still “happy”. nothing. I’ll check hers. my theory still stands on your relationship. no. I can’t do that, I need to go about my day.

a few days later, mind has been cleared and your memory isn’t appearing, your absence is easier. finally. until I have a vivid dream about you. too vivid. whyyyy? is this a sign? ugh. maybe I’ll add your contact back... maybe that will start a conversation. or pretend I’m in need and you’re the only one I knew who could help. no... but maybe our best friend could intervene. no... but maybe... no. I’ve made myself look like a fool too many times. “she’s crazy” “obsessed” “you’re insane”. that’s not me and that’s not where I want to be. unless you’ve lived in this pain, there is no room to label me. but I’m too stubborn. my pride is large and my ego won’t stand for it. whatever... I’ll just... well, what do I do now?

so yes. I’m angry. my fists are turning white from the tight clinch that they’ve been stuck in. my fear of regret or what-ifs, my fear of truly losing my soulmate and love of my life... maybe I don’t love you, the way I thought I did... maybe I created someone in the shadow of you that I love and if you were to come back I wouldn’t feel the same, maybe not, but I wouldn’t know. I’m angry. not just because you aren’t here. but because I truly don’t know. I don’t know what I did to forever lose you. I don’t know what you felt, at the time or now. I don’t know how this happens. I don’t know why it happened to me. I don’t know when it will ever clear up or just be easier to live with. will it ever? it’s been almost a year and it only gets worse. but I’m angry. angry enough to curse your name and hurt myself more. I punish myself. yet I praise myself. I messed up, I know that. but I didn’t deserve this yet I am the strongest person alive to continue about my life as if it’s not absolutely tearing me apart. only one person knows. that I grieve. to everyone else, I’m the bubbly mess who they’ve always known. I can only talk to that one person, about you, where nothing will ever get resolved. I’m angry. angry in the sense that if I saw you, I wouldn’t smile back. and the part that makes me the most angry? is you not knowing even in the slightest.

[happilyneverafters]

I consider myself a writer. it is a passion of mine. I can convert emotions into words and make you relate to them as if they were your own.

I write to cope. to express what I’m going through without having to go to someone to listen.

but being a writer, your feel emotions you didn’t know existed, and the emotions you do feel are heightened too highly.

I love being a writer. it’s a beautiful gift. but I hate writing. because sometimes I don’t want to feel.

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

it’s clear to me. now. why I am the way. that I am. the reason. that I give. and give. and give. and apologize. when I am hurt.

it’s very simple. but there is a lot. of history. that goes with it.

I wanted to die. many times. my ego. was the tallest in the world. I was narcissistic. and depressed. I didn’t want. to live. to be.

but God. saved me.

with specifics. each little area. of concern. was placed exactly. the way it was. to not kill me. but show me. that I could have been. instead. I was hurt. physically. part of my normalcy. was taken from me. my dignity. my ability. my sanity. but I was alive.

from that day on. I promised. to wake up. to strive. in all that I did. to find joy. in every moment. to live. to be. every day. with purpose. and light.

my ego. was buried. being an adult. and depending on family. like a child. my privacy. stripped. my life. changed. drastically.

so instead. I wanted. I needed. to give. all that I could. because I knew. how easily. it could be taken. for her. for him. for you. especially you.

I was alive. and I was given. another chance. I lost. so many people. from this trauma. but you. I wasn’t going to. I would do. say. be. anything. to keep you. for your joy. and happiness. bc I was able. to at least. do that. but it wasn’t enough.

now I’m here. hoping. wishing. and praying. that the pain. that I am in. is my death bed. physical. emotional. and mental. pain. please, God, take me. away. I’m blessed. with this life. with this challenge. with the family. and friends. who care. support. help. and grieve. for. and with. me. but why... am I complaining. that you. aren’t here. why you. couldn’t care less. making excuses. for you. that if you knew. bc you don’t. that you’d be here. that if you new. bc you don’t. you’d find your way. to me. that if you knew. bc you don’t. you’d. you would. nothing.

that. is why I give. bc I could have. and should have. lost everything. including my life. especially. my life. but I didn’t. so instead. I give back. to life. and to you. knowing I wasn’t deserving. but deserve. to give. back.

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]

[happilyneverafters]