happilyscornfulcrypt

[happilyscornfulcrypt]

Things are difficult when your own brain is against you.

It's been hard, lately. Feeling like I can't do anything right, that I haven't been good enough for anyone else or even myself.

My self image has warped yet again as I see the weight I've gained back, the clothes I can no longer fit into. A testament to the mood swings I've been in, the old habits I've fallen into in an attempt to cope. Cope with my decisions and how over my head I've felt.

I should be stronger, I sometimes think. Because if I'm not, how will everyone else hold up?

I don't know. I don't feel confident in anything right now. Like I've been uprooted.

I'm tired. But taking steps in the right direction. Seeking out therapy and trying to focus on not people pleasing as much. Drinking my water, taking deep breaths. Small things.

[happilyscornfulcrypt]

Do you love the colour of the sturgeon?

Which one?

[happilyscornfulcrypt]

[happilyscornfulcrypt]

Mother is a term I haven't spoken in almost three years.

Three years exactly next month. Three years since I involuntarily spoke with her, nothing substantial. An insincere apology, an attempt to reach out.

It almost worked. For a moment, I wanted to reconnect with her, catch up with her. Tell her I'd just gotten married, send her pictures, even though she hadn't known I'd been engaged to begin with.

I hadn't told her, of course. We already had hardly spoken, and I was on my way on learning how to navigate cutting a parent out for good. Which meant never seeing my dogs again, never getting to be involved with my siblings again, or my cousin. Them missing out on being an uncle and aunts to my son, have family get togethers.

But I made my choice, and my mother made hers. It's a foreign concept now, to even think about her. See pictures of her, or the kids.

I used to really miss her. It hurt, and had set me into such a rut since I was having to pick everyone else up on top of raising my son and dealing with my ex, who was also like her.

It's better now, but I still see her sometimes. In other parents and how they interact with their kids, sometimes in certain videos I know she'd like, or sometimes in myself. My mannerisms, or how I look.

Sometimes when it's still, nothing but the sound of my own breathing, or the sounds of outside or things in my home, she creeps into my head. Silent, sitting there even though physically I know she's not there. I can feel her.

Almost.

I miss you mom, but I know this is best.

[happilyscornfulcrypt]

huge shout out to this little kid for writing my favorite poem

[happilyscornfulcrypt]

I've worked hard for this little life of mine, and I think it's starting to show.

I have a job I'm happy at. I don't get paid nearly as much as my prior ones, but I'm happy. It's fast paced, in forming connections, and it's just me and my boss. She's supportive, and really cares about me.

I have a husband and son who are the two most wonderful things in my life. They bring me so much joy, and have really helped to set my head straight during my darkest moments.

I'm finishing school. By the end of July, I will have graduated with an AA in Psychology. Considering in 2020 I didn't want to GO to college because I "didn't know what to do" and "didn't want to waste my money", I'd say I'm in a better spot now. Albeit, I'm looking toward going into conservation, but that's besides the point.

I've had friends come and go, but the ones who mean well and who have refused to leave even during the worst of things are still here. Doesn't have to be physical, even. I call more, send letters, and it's wonderful. Shoot a text fairly frequently, try to meet up. I've made new ones too, who mean just as well.

I'm progressing in my artwork. More people in the small community I live in are taking notice, and even online it's gaining traction. There's to being told by family my art would "never make it anywhere".

I've got multiple siblings, but one in particular I'm the closest with is still in frequent contact with me. We're as thick as thieves, and it shows. Multiple meetups, events together, gaming sessions, discord calls. It's nice having some ounce of peace that isn't just from my in-laws, who are the most functional you can get.

I think I'm finally finding some stability. It's nice. Nice to see that sixteen years old wasn't the end. That I could be a cycle breaker.

[happilyscornfulcrypt]

Life has been an odd liminal space lately.

Stuck between what my life is like presently- failed courses, caring for family, and the same thing every day aside from work. Day in and day out, stuck in the same Podunk town. Everyone knows everyone, and weaponizes it.

I look forward to the smiles. What the customers bring in, whether it be simple small talk or something larger in their life. It's a pleasant distraction from my own.

Ideally, I'd be far from here. Enjoying more recreational activities, surrounded by less dysfunctional people, working a better paying job, and continuing my education.

But I'm not there yet.