happygolinds

[happygolinds]

just opened my laptop for the first time in a month and realized I never finished this post, whoopsies. The last two days have been rougher than usual in some ways. It doesn't matter how much you distance yourself from a family like my adopted one, there will always be constant problems with people who refuse to do any kind of inner work. I guess their mental illnesses and addictions certainly don't help them either, however. It's easy to turn to shame and guilt for not taking the routes my eldest sister, and closest brother in age took, I mean my early 20s were for running and numbing everything out rather than some of my siblings using that time to start building what they didn't have. I've met so many different types of people by now, some cut from the same cloth and others born into a world I wouldn't see until my later 20s. I've met those with parents who struggled the same way as my bio mother did, I've seen the ambitions and motivation those homes can bestow upon those children, and I've seen the exact opposite all the same. I think realistically, I fall between those two types of people. I remember growing up in a home almost identical to those in the surrounding areas, yet still somehow so different once you've walked inside. Growing up where I did, that cookie cutter life was all you really saw while riding your bike. It wasn't until I got older and learned those homes were more similar to mine than I could imagine, because for whatever reason, even when people have the entire world in front of them, they'd rather stay in a marriage unfaithfully instead of move on, they'd rather continue to show up to church as this well pieced together family, than let the world see them as they really are for even one moment.

[happygolinds]

driving around California, making my way to Yosemite before staying in Oakhurst all weekend. Very blissful right now

[happygolinds]

[happygolinds]

[happygolinds]

sitting here booking my trip for CA and realized I hadn't uploaded any of the photos from my road trip around Washinton and Oregon yet, and then remembered I haven't even been on here since before that trip. Oops. Life has been both exciting and dull the last month, exciting in the way that I quite literally got to see some of the most magical places like WA and OR have to offer, and rather dull in regard to coming home and back to this warped/fucked up version of reality. The redeeming side to all of this is mainly the traveling that I'm able to do once again. The few years before the incident I hadn't been prioritizing traveling or even small vacations, yes sometimes I got roped up into a trip because of friends, but outside of work trips I just wasn't all that interested. Which is so incredibly odd considering nothing has made me feel so okay the way being out somewhere surrounded by nature, that is certainly a major consistent for my entirety. Probably should've been an indicator of my mental health but again, far too wrapped up in work to acknowledge that. Which is rather funny to think about too, that version of me so riddled with guilt, acceptance and genuine self-love. Compared to me today, trauma doubled if not tripled and .. still actively continuing with all of the depos and hearings. Yet, here I am. Somehow rid of that weight and dealing with another, grief. Which feels different all together, I'm certainly stressed, but.. it's simply different. The frustration and even burn out I had felt before all of this, and how tired I feel today are just different. Maybe the difference is the gift of wanting to see things through, wanting this life and all that comes from it. I certainly couldn't find that feeling the way I can now, sometimes I joke that it's a gift from my friends who died, their stubbornness of not letting me die with them is surely the only reason I walked away from that explosion with a fighting chance. Surely the reason I survived that hospital stay. My dreams wouldn't lie to me, would they? I guess I'll find that part out one day. However, back to my WA/OR trip as that was what this was originally about; I was able to see and do a lot of amazing things, including hiking to see two different waterfalls in two different states on my 30th birthday. Pulling off at pretty much every possible trail or sight-seeing spot, I don't think I had the windows up at all other than the few showers we got. The weather was perfect, some icy spots here and there especially further up in Mount Rainier or Olympic. Spent the first 5 days driving all over Washinton, flying into SEA before taking the 3/4 hour drive up to Fork/Cape Flattery. Spent those days going down and back into Washinton, up to Snoqualmie and onto North Cascades before making our way down and out of Washington, hittin' the whole coast of Oregon. Spent a few nights coastal before spending the last two nights on Lake Oswego, and to put it simply, it was everything I needed it to be. I fell in love with my own comfort during this trip, which has obviously been a work in progress... but for once in my life every moment of solitude is a sanctuary. Not being limited or held back is the only way I want to live. Anyway, I'll get around to posting photos of this trip on here eventually. I thought of using a spare IG account to hold them all but that app is honestly terrible. For now, here's a photo of what's currently in front of me because this isn't all that bad either.

[happygolinds]

Washington and Oregon at the end of this month, a week in north Cal at the end of next month. I’m excited to start my 30s like this. Especially considering two birthdays ago I wasn’t allowed to walk anywhere without assistance. Time is not real.

[happygolinds]

[happygolinds]

maybe I just think too much

[happygolinds]

something I really love about myself is that no matter how heated an argument may get, I don’t start insulting the other person. It took me a lot of years on this earth to learn how to remain calm even when angry or upset, but it is something that was a necessity for me to feel any kind of peace.

I truly value that I take the time to think before I speak, and it makes me value the seemingly rare few that also know that level of control even when lost in intense emotions

Coming from a (*) family like mine, it took me a long time to realize that a lot of the outbursts I felt and found myself in were learned behaviors, or sometimes rather, the lack of specific learned behavior.

The tools we’re ‘supposed’ to learn from our parents are detrimental for our adult lives. From motivation, ambition; to self soothing and mood regulation.

Growing up around people who have untreated, but diagnosed bipolar disorder mixed with unresolved childhood trauma, even the children that don’t carry those genes will be affected. For the longest time, I learned how to hate myself because that’s simply how my mom raised me. To be on egg shells around her, never knowing which version of her id be getting, which emotion she’d greet me with or make everyone else’s problem. I had to live in negative space while in her home, and as a result I grew up not knowing I needed to take up space in my own life. I remember always reminding myself I wasn’t biologically related to my family, so I surely didn’t have to worry about the troubles they almost all face. I was wrong, but also a little right. It took time to recognize learned behaviors, reactionary styles I had picked up from… just never knowing anything else. Honestly some days it feels like I’m still rooting it all out. But the moment I recognized I was reacting better, calmer, dare I say semi-rationally to things outside of my control, it only got better from there. I can’t remember the last time I got so angry I had to throw insults and words I didn’t mean even in the heat of an unfair argument. I don’t even like being an outlet for others in that way, by all means I’m here for you to vent, but I’m not here for you to come sht talk someone I love. That part of how we treat each other never made any sense to me but I’m certainly not innocent of it either.

I accepted that same love in a lot of different areas of my life as a result. Thankfully I stopped accepting it some time ago. Not that my loved ones aren’t allowed to make mistakes, but rather I hear what those angry words are saying, instead of brushing it off the way my family so often does to one another.

(*adopted family)

[happygolinds]

[happygolinds]

"Chase the moments that make your soul come alive."

[happygolinds]

After a day in the snow and fog, the mountain is out. 🤍

[happygolinds]

[happygolinds]

[happygolinds]

marielle necklace by vampyrgrl