hardlicore

[hardlicore]

Ok so as it turns out I have 6 dollars but

Am going to fast Monday through Thursday (4 days) . I believe if I drop about 3 pounds a day I will hit 106 to 107 by Friday morning. Maybe even less maybe even sooner the goal is to at least fast four days and see where that takes me . Also I can’t weigh myself until Friday or I won’t make it just because if I see water weight I’ll get discouraged and quit .

[hardlicore]

I just have to quit eating a little while

I spent pretty much the entire remainder of my money on food yesterday. I binged and purged two maybe three times. I didn’t throw up the last time I ate but I certainly threw up a lot and even woke up at 119.2 with clothes on meaning I gained about 2 pounds from binging in one day . It’s 9 am and I just woke up and am laying here wondering how I’m ever going to recover . My solution is as follows : straight up not eat any food until I hit 21 days which will break my record of 14 days . I also don’t have anything going on that would require or get me to eat in the mean time. I am not eating the next 21 days , I’m going to organize myself enough where I learn to actually get my work done and learn to work ahead. I will continue working out - not today though - I think I’d have a heart attack . I think I can lose 30 pounds in 21 days which is 1.4 pounds a day or roughly 10 a week -_- that does sound sort of unrealistic but not impossible. I’m already discouraged. I just want to stop binging so I can stop purging. I get overfull and it’s literally impossible to keep everything down . It starts to come back up on its own. Meh .

[hardlicore]

Day 2 of no purging going tough but going still

I ate Chinese and realized how much I actually hate general tso chicken ? ! Like I actually only get Chinese whenever I’m hungry hungry. And I really don’t like it lol . I’m trying to start to identify what food I actually enjoy opposed to wolfing it down . I also am triggered by the fact the scale said 121.2 !!! Granted I’m wearing a hoodie and clothes so that probably added 2 pounds putting me at 119 ... I also had soup so water weight ..,, I think the biggest part of my recovery is stopping weighing myself. Seeing numbers rise scares me so much. X so anyway I need to catch up on Egyptian tonight . This should be fun fun.

[hardlicore]

Day 2

I worked out and feel pretty good . Not fantastic but I’m guessing it’s going to be a couple weeks until fantastic comes . I’ve decided to just do my absolute best to get my homework caught up and if I have extra time to work ahead a week . I also am holding off on my “make over “ a couple days . I want to love it and I’m still not in the right head space or health to be guaranteed I’ll be happy with big changes . I want my money to be well spent lol . Also I am enjoying my dance video as always but definitely think I need to work on my arm definition . Also can we talk about how they made a movie about a psychopath . Hollywood is getting good at getting inside the head space of the mentally ill but it concerns me people will idolize it . People who were at first normal but influenced or people who may be triggered from an underlying issues they already had.

[hardlicore]

Went up two pounds

But I’m on day 2 of recovery thank goodness I really just want to put a distance between me and my eating disorder. I’ve lost 6 pounds on a fast before but that was with serious exercise and I don’t have it in me I think ...l have so much homework to accomplish today alone I’m not sure if I’ll have time to work out . It couldn’t hurt to just skip today if I’m fasting which I genuinely don’t have the time to walk up to Walmart today . I should drop about 3 pounds id venture to guess - 4 if I do do a workout. I probably will . That will put me at 112-113 tomorrow morning . A second day of fasting would put me at 108-110 I’m guessing . Three days could put me at 105 or less . Which a BMI of 17.5 would be way more ideal than what I am atm . I guess I get confused what is best for my body . I thought of purchasing stuff for a legit cleanse . But I don’t know . But I do like an idea I had 5-73 . It means going 73 days purge free in increments of five . At the end of 73 days if I want to puke I can but I highly doubt I will because I don’t now but I mean I like the idea of it being OK as in it’s a way to get over the mental road block I have to be strong forever. No it’s like something I’m doing to serve myself like bootcamp - there’s a bigger picture . Also I realize I have been thinking too much about it instead of focusing on school making money and just doing other things that make me a person and give me an identity without my eating disorder. It’s a part of who I am but it’s not the definition of me.

[hardlicore]

I’m in recovery

I actually fasted all day . I worked out this morning. I weighed .2 ounces more than I did this morning despite fasting all day . It hit me . I just don’t want to fight this anymore and I am tired of waiting to live until I’m x amount of pounds. I realized that if I just start living I’ll much more easily get to my goal . I ate 2500 calories tonight and I don’t feel bad about it -too bad . I just am happy I’m letting this food digest and am working towards a healthier me. I also had a lot of mixed feelings about a sudden second job interview and realized it wasn’t the route I wanted to go . I need to make way more than this other job was paying if I’m going to really move forward . I am thinking about moving to New York City or LA instead of spending another year here. I might be graduating spring after all. I’m not sure . I’m excited. It’s time I make some REAL changes that don’t involve a little box with numbers.

[hardlicore]

Well I got a workout in

Kudos to me. I however am so overly full . Which is surprising because I’m not heavier than yesterday morning so I’m wondering if my stomach is finally like give me a break lol which works for my brain thank God . I did decide that I am better off only “dieting “ extremely for three days . And changing my self essentially over that time frame as a jumpstart to who I want to be . I Am fasting three days . I am working out each day . I am going to give myself a complete make over . I realized I don’t have to be at my goal weight to look good - I’ll look best but it’s not necessary to change now . I mean I can change and better myself now and keep getting better. I’ve been too impatient and that’s gotten me no where. Let’s consider how I was in therapy last year ... if I go by the time I withdrew from school up until now that’s 6 months that I could have reached my goal weight had I stuck to a plan and not gotten impatient . I’m going to spend the next six months now through April achieving who I want to be . I’ll be ok!

[hardlicore]

114.4 pounds yay

I’m not really THAT excited but that does mean I’m only 9 pounds away from 105. Since I spent 57$ on food yesterday (the other ten was to mail something)- I’m cutting myself off from any future food purchases until I get an allowance from my Dad on Friday . With the exception of beverages like coffee and tea . That is sat through Thursday so six days of essentially fasting . I’m honestly thinking three days will get me to 105 by Tuesday morning. I could be 100 pounds maybe less by Friday if I genuinely stick to my fast! Let’s go get em.

[hardlicore]

I spent a third of my paycheck on food I proceeded to vomit

Recap :

Coffee -some cups black , some with 0 calorie syrup all morning

Noon - orders pesto calzone small tator tots and cotton candy milkshake with whipped cream and 2 liter Diet Coke to mix my vodka with .

Toilet .

5 pm - walks to store and buys pretzels with cheese stuff and a stack of chips and a bag of gummie works and a tub of peanut butter cup ice cream .

Eats mostly everything except some of the ice cream / couldn’t fit everything- I’m a turkey dead for thanksgiving -

Toilet .

Pulls remainder of ice cream out . Eats . Toilet .

(Yes I’ve gotten pretty much everything up)

8 pm

Starts looking at food . Reorders same exact lunch minus the diet coke and a large tots this time .

Didn’t plan to throw up . Was literally so full the food started coming back up . I went to the toilet threw up a tiny bit just to make room to finish off my second milk shake for the day .

Proceeded to throw up and drink water and throw up again and Again and again until I hit 115. Again.

In the finale of the day i got pain near my heart that I felt a couple other times lately and I even mailed out my sisters music box today on a gut feeling things could be over for me today . I wrote my parents phone number down as well as a short I love you and thank you in case I died pretty much . I even cried in the middle of purging and drinking water . I was genuinely scared but I had to , I had to , and I don’t want to do that EVER again .

No matter how hard it is I’m going to have to follow a calorie limit and work out . It will be worth it . It’s better than eating everything and ending up dead .

[hardlicore]

The challenge: 360′ in 4 days

I’m feeling a little bit froggy - a lot of bit to be honest! SOME hint of me is terrified to actually break through the boulder I’ve put in front of my way but I’m here and ready now. The challenge is literally to complete my entire Egyptian class assignments 3 days, memorize chapter 1-2 and write a paper on Livvy, redo a response paper, and of course any other meandering class assignments - but those are the BIG ones that need done and out of my fucking way so I can calm the fuck down and not feel like a failure. I have now through Monday. Thankfully I only work Saturday and Monday nights this week so I have the time to do the work! 

WEIGHT LOSS and RECOVERY:

Okay, so as you know I overate to the point - I think my stomach would have literally torn open had I tried keeping the food down. It was BAD. I ended up purging everything up and ate 2 left over gummie worms and a serving of chips that were left and fell asleep about midnight - woke up the same weight I was the morning before - 115. I had this wild idea that since I’m going all nuts with homework the next few days - that I should go equally nuts and straight up not eat - have coffee maybe a couple shots of vodka if I get too stressed - but l could literally drop 10 pounds in 4 days easy! The last time I fasted without exercise I lost 3 pounds. My guess is I will drop at least 3 or 4 today just from the extreme binging I’ve been doing for MONTHS - and then I’ll drop 2 pounds a day after putting me at 105 Tuesday morning - the day I return to school and show my professors I’m not a complete moron. You could say this is suicidal - possibly -as I am not stopping until I get EVERYTHING done on my list. There was a writer who stayed up for 9 days or something and completed one of the world’s best books - Dr something ... But he was on cocaine - I’m going at less than half that so I think I got this!!! I’m pretty excited because I honestly get off on pushing my body to limits.

[hardlicore]

115 flat this morning

I honestly wasn’t going to throw up after eating because I was so happy and actually realized how grateful I should be to have food to eat . Unfortunately the discomfort from over indulging literally essentially forced me to report to purging but i realize if I’m going to beat this thing I need to be honest with myself and quit binging . I literally ate a large bag of pizza rolls , a family size bag of bbq chips . an entire tub of peanut butter cup ice cream , and a big bag of gummie works plus a twister orange drink and a bit of mt dew. That’s probably close to 7,000 calories ... in two hours . When I say it felt like my stomach was pushing over into my side I kid you not. I really don’t think my body had the capacity to keep all the food I ate down . I just couldn’t stop eating my brain was just so thrilled to get food after walking around like a zombie all day . I just went overboard. I have three days until I have to return to school so there’s a lot I want to accomplish and need to in that time .

[hardlicore]

I’m going to binge and purge

You read that right. I’m starving . But I am tired of being fat so I am going to start being a productive bulimic . If that makes any sense

[hardlicore]

I’ve decided that

I’m going to do a fast through the weekend. Starting today . I actually literally have no money anyway and after two days of insane Ed behavior I’m needing a break . Also I think I can be 105 by Monday maybe even Sunday long as I stick with it .

[hardlicore]

September 26th

I have been 26 for exactly five months now. I wanted to have changed by now but it’s ok . I am making that first step today and finally being brave enough to commit to a better version of myself. No more binging . No more purging. I literally hated drinking yesterday. I am over all of it. No more being broke or broken.

[hardlicore]

115 pounds...

well, I might have gone back up to 116 max after drinking some mountain dew but regardless 8 laxatives and 2 days of binging and purging - a couple shots of vodka -- and a workout - BAM - 5 pounds knocked off. Sooooo healthy.

Okay, but in reality, I do NOT want to continue this - I want to get back to my original weight of 110 and then focus on eating what my calorie calculator says I need to to reach my goal weight. I am sort of stressed because my roommate told me they haven’t been eating ‘because they forget’ due to their busy work schedule - i actually believe them - but they weigh 120 at 5′8 -_- I’m sooo fat lol I’m 115 at 5′5 right now. For someone who once weighed 25 pounds less than I do right now it’s not easy hearing someone WITHOUT an ed - admit they truly are soooo much thinner. Ew the struggle. But not for long! I know that for starteres: I CAN NOT eat over 1,400 calories or I WILL gain weight. 2) I can not NOT work out.

[hardlicore]

Binged and purged twice

Nine days . I just didn’t know ... I just needed to . I know I didn’t need to but I did somehow. I know this sounds bad but I’m looking forward to doing it again.

[hardlicore]

Just had a melt down and realized that no one actually cares lol

I’ve been getting phone calls from my schools health services thinking it was the doctors all concerned since I cut myself off . I thought oh it’s so nice they still give a care . Wrong . I was so wrong. No one is concerned. It was the billing office needing my info updated . Nothing more. Because my blood work was good when I finally got convinced to withdraw last semester I never went to treatment. Months of appointments and therapy convincing me I needed to withdraw and go inpatient: lol. Nope because I know how to drink Gatorade I was not eligible and yeah ... anyway thought they might care what happened to me in the long run . Lol nope . I’m too fat to worry about or at least I was lol it’s all my life now and I’m no longer purging. 10 days . I’m in control of my life and healing myself . I’m responsible and no one rls is : that’s why no one actually cares . It’s up to me now . I got this . I will never purge again , but I will be thin .