haru-kun00-blog - Tumblr blog

[haru-kun00-blog]

I keep lying.. To myself

[haru-kun00-blog]

Sometimes i feel like killing myself.. But at the same time.. Im scared to die.. I have conviction.. But actually from the very beginning.. Im religious.. Lol..

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What kinda bullshit i was thinking..

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Not asking much.. I just wanna be beautiful.. #stillstruggling

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"I just want to be loved.. But Im ugly"

-uglyme

[haru-kun00-blog]

Ungrateful, insolent, ugly bitch

When I thought my skin is getting better, it breakout again.. And even worst..

I dont know when will I ever get my skin to heal.. When will I have to be like normal young lady.. Without having low self esteem and extreme inferiority complex.. When will I can feel to loved and be loved with confidence.. When will I ever get to stop listening to people questioning my face..

Im sick of everything..

Its been 8 years.. And its never heal.. My skin condition become worst.. Why did this happened? I dont know and I never know.. Its just happened.. And no turning back..

When this things happened, it makes me think that life is so unfair.. And at the same time, make me think that this is karma for thinking like that..

Why just me? Why not everyone else? Why it is just me? Its worsen.. Its worsen.. And I said it again.. Its worsen.. And makes me become ugly..

Until at some point I think that, ugly is a sin..

With pimple and dark, rough skin.. Cross, lazy and near-sighted eyes.. Thick eyebrows as if it is going to unite at any time.. Damn big nose and its hole.. Black lips as if Im fucking smoker.. Cheek that not so charming.. Red spotted body.. Rough stick like hair..

Im tired of taking care of all of this..

It as if I never get to see the better progress if I done any treatment.. And better treatment need money..

In this fucking world we live in.. We never get attention if we got no face and money.. No this two, no life..

How fortunate for them, they have what they want and living as if they own the world.. How fortunate.. When they were born to be beautiful and got no problem at all.. How fortunate they are.. When they got to be loved without any condition.. How fortunate..

Im sick of everything..

Its a hard task to love myself..

I've been telling myself to love myself.. At some point its working.. I confidently can say it in front of everyone.. But actually Im breaking inside.. Cause the reason is.. I cant love this ugly self.. Its hard.. Its too hard..

Oh god..

Im sorry.. Im such an ungrateful, insolent being.. Forgive me.. Forgive my sin.. My almighty, my lord, the only one I served..

[haru-kun00-blog]

"me = super ugly = still want to live = shameless human being" f**k $h!t

[haru-kun00-blog]

" I keep being someone Im not "

-whyme?

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Sad lies...

I like to be delusional..

I like to lie to people and myself..

Im sorry people..

Im no good..

-scum

[haru-kun00-blog]

"Low self esteem, is no joke.. I pity myself"

- me no joke

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No matter how happy I am right now.. I cant stop thinking about how the future holds ahead.. The anxieties keep scaring and hurting me..

[haru-kun00-blog]

" what is wrong with me?? In this freaking semester?? "

- IMYMEMINE~

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" Im epiphanic!! Reality hits me hard~ "

- themenow

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" Im sorry mama.. I've been hurting you all along "

" I should be brave, right? I should faced it, right? I should fight, right? "

" Sometimes.. I kinda thinking.. Why you're not ashamed of me.. I cant be the best anymore.. Im no good.. Im useless.. Im moody.. Im not a good daughter and sister.. I keep complaining.. I only just thinking about my ugly self.. I am.. Like a fucktard human being, I guess.. "

" And yet.. Why did you forgive me?? Why?? I just wondering.. "

Me-myself-you-yourself

[haru-kun00-blog]

I AM WHO I AM

As I grew up.. I've been through many things.. Including things that I brought upon myself.. It's my fault.. But, to assure myself I tried to find a way out to make me, myself innocent..

Im scared.. Scared of people's perception.. People's way of thinking.. People's non consideration..

Because I am who I am..

Overthinking many possibilities.. Thinking that negative things might happen.. Thinking that how worst and low I am..

Because I am who I am

Im introvert.. I dont want to stand out.. I want to stay hidden.. But the things I do.. Make me stand out.. Not in a good way..

How can I live with this kind of feeling.. I wanna run.. But, I cant.. How???

Help me.. Someone..

I shouldn't do that.. I should have stay low.. I should stay hidden.. I should follow the rules..

But why, me??? Why did you do that??? Why??? Why did you doomed yourself??? Why???

Yeahh..

Because I am who I am..

[haru-kun00-blog]

Owww... Shitt!!

I've done something really stupid I thinkk!! For me, its not really stupid.. But, yeahh, if it's been found out.. IM DOOMEDD!!!

I think.. I'll quit~

[haru-kun00-blog]

" please.. I need 'a' turning point.. "

- the me

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Im trying to love myself..

But, at some point..

I messed up..

Fuck my life..

Im done!!!