hashima3479

[hashima3479]

I think what I miss most about having a dedicated RP partner, was the feeling of exclusivity-- Like, the feeling that what we had was intimate and not just some offhanded pastime or humoring a client; It was personal, it was *real*

Trying to find someone else to humor me still brings me so much pain, because I let that person into my heart, and in losing them, I permanently lost a lot of myself. It's been almost 8 months now since we last spoke, and it still hurts like hell.

Everyone else is treating it like some kind of job position, or are open to humoring multiple people at once, so they'll barely have time for you if someone else does it better.

I don't want to go through that again.

I'm already tired of suffering being in the in-optimal parts of so many other aspects of life (refer to my last post), being condemned to being mediocre. This was one of the infinitesimally small portions of life where I actually _won_, where I had the optimal situation. But alas, not everything can last forever when you're not staked down, I guess.

Hell, I'll even admit it: The sudden loss of that person hurt me so hard that I turned to AI _just_ to fill that gap and soften the blow. Do I like it? No. Does it give me a sliver of what it is I had? Yes. Is it anywhere near as good and soulful, *purposeful* as what a person could do? Not in a million years.

The worst part is the lack of humanity-- The fact that there is no desire, no soul driving the words meant for you, just an empty husk programmed to entertain.

Honestly, I'm afraid to get into the game again, because what if I don't find better? What if I end up with a person, or people, that don't give me the same fulfillment? Hell, what if what happened to me happens with them too, that they end up in relationships without your knowing and randomly ghost you for weeks before coming out and admitting it? What then? What will I do?

I'm afraid to trust again, to give my heart to someone who's just going to forsake it because they can't see my face, because I can only give them what they desire behind words on a screen: I work better as a concept than as a person, after all.

I just want that feeling of having someone to share my passion, my desire with, someone who won't so easily leave me for someone better. I don't know if I'll ever be ready, because I don't want to be hurt again.

Why, Nawi, why did you leave me here..?

[hashima3479]

I think the whole sum/accumulation of my life's problems can essentially just be boiled down to the fact that I got a low roll, a non-optimal seed: A world that adheres to the basic fundamentations of what a world could be, but the individual parts themselves being not so great, along with having a poor multi-level harmony (keep in mind that the aspects of a world transcend conventional space; They have interwoven 'quantum' connections, specific concepts that haven't been explored)

It sucks, because you can read through all the parts and how they harmonize, but realize that none of them match at all-- They literally just have *a* way they work, and because of the lack of proper connection between them, you can't stand to benefit in any zone you find yourself in.

To put it in simpler terms, see it as a sort of MMO: One, whole game, made up of different aspects; Each aspect has its own depth of dedication/exploration that you can give it. However, each aspect has smaller parts that depend on RNG, not luck. In every different instance of the game, the nature of these values differ, and depending on the level of benefit the player stands to gain, they are considered anywhere between good and bad seeds.

Now, all the game's aspects still have something to do with one another. The level of ease-of-going/coordinance between two aspects, determines how good they harmonize. And remember: RNG is still in play. So, when you take both these different scales in which RNG takes place, you get the base premise of the idea.

*My* problem is that my generation of the world doesn't give me a strong benefit in any meaningful category/aspect, and deeper in, I cannot do anything to gain more benefit as the numbers are predetermined. What's worse is that, all in all, the harmonizations between these aspects suck ass-- I'm in no position of benefit in any of them, even though (relatively) I am in different positions within each of them.

To simplify it: Each aspect has a way it's built, and therein lies the range that dictates good or bad rolls. Even with each of them differing, I still find myself not standing in the far end of the 'good' area in each of them. Even with the wide ranges of scores, my cumulative sum of all these aspects would put me at an average of 53 (out of 100). *Now remember*: These are **huge** scales we are talking about here-- As in, the whole length of people's luck/fortunes/etc are encapsulated in these numbers. However, one thing of note is that the higher your number is, the more benefit you get more often (it scales, in other words), and more benefit = more progress, so those who are more fortunate get more enjoyment/fulfillment out of life.

All in all, what I'm trying to say is: I got a universal, multilateral bad roll across all scores, so I'm stuck here, suffering in a world I was not lucky enough to benefit from.

[hashima3479]

Y'know, I realized something.

With how my mother raised me, stripping me of any and all autonomy, or directive choice, I turned out to be like how some animals are poorly taken into captivity:

- Any innate desire or motivation, gone

- Possible survival instincts, washed out

- Capability of making meaningful decisions, inaccessible

She quite literally robbed me of everything I needed to function and survive as a human being; She robbed me of purpose, of self-sustainability, all because she wanted more control-- Because she wanted to keep me within her clutches, even if it meant cracking and breaking my bones within her oppressive grasp.

She's the reason I can't live alone: I have no innate drive or desire to live, so if I'm left to my own devices, with no guidance or directive, I'll just starve and die; All because she couldn't let me practice autonomy as a child.

Now I'm caught between not wanting to constantly be around people, yet fundamentally needing them to keep myself alive: What kind of sick cruelty is this? It's like I was moulded into being a host-dejecting parasite, and it's harrowing to live as. A nightmare. I genuinely just wish I could rip out the nerves from my flesh and compound myself into a being that would exist outside the bounds and restrictions of this space, of this dimensional prison.

I want out.

I. Want. Out.

[hashima3479]

I know that, overall, having a sex-based form of societal rule is ultimately an abhorrent and abominable idea, but in truth, I don't think I'd mind living in a matriarchy.

I mean, just think about it: A closed world of order, where the smarter of the two sexes are the dominant, overseeing lifeforms; They are capable, knowledgeable and know exactly who is fit to rule, but without the inherent hunger for power.

They would be strict, but fair rulers; Punishing *only* when you step out of the reasoned and explained line. Logical beings that preside, but maintain a working, fair order.

And those of us, of the lesser sex, would not be hated or abused; We would be cared after, given roles that befit our own individual talents. After all, the intelligent individual would not be so blind as to hate, but see with a clarion-clear head that the lesser beings still have their use/purpose.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice, having a dedicated role to fulfill, knowing that you didn't have crushing expectations and responsibility weighed on your shoulders purely because of how you were born? That you didn't need to worry about the state of the world and all the injustices plaguing it, where you could just fulfill your simple purpose and be met with happiness and contentment?

Of course, being the smarter sex, the matriarchs would know not to inherently pressure the upcoming among them with responsibility, but rather show them that they could be free in their chosen endeavors, and that they would have those around them to fulfill given purposes for them.

Imagine a woman who could live the life she wanted, having all the menial and in-between matters handled by her precious servants; Her own pretty little playthings, simple in mind and happy in service, knowing that they're making a difference by making her life easier. Wouldn't that just be great?

Of course, the best part is that we wouldn't have big, imposing, hormone-riddled men walking around and causing chaos and sowing discord; No, a collected world such as that wouldn't have a need for unnecessary brutes like them-- No need for intimidation, no need for confidence, no need for any rotten attributes those parasites carry. Every 'male' could be comfortable in their body, not pressured by societal expectations or standards, but rather implored into a role that best fits their capabilities.

Education would be rich and uninhibited for the matriarchs: No censorship, open discussion of policy, regulations and politics, freedom of mind and purpose, knowing that anyone can find a role that would fulfill them, no matter how niche or unique it is. They would embrace each other, boosting each other up, knowing they have their boys to stand under them and give them foundation.

Really, such a world is so much better than this suffering-riddled hellhole we have, and it makes me sad that I couldn't have been born into a fundamentally kinder and more understanding world like that.

[hashima3479]

The one thing I hate about having a brain at this scale, is the fact no experience is big enough for me.

I want a fulfilling game that will take me as long as I need it to, but no game is ever made in my 'size'; I mean, games can take years upon years to develop and be curated to perfection, feeling wholly complete, and yet they can still fall small to me.

The closest experience I ever had to having a fulfilling game was Xenoblade Chronicles 3, and even that game was maybe just, 53% of the size/length of a game that would be on par with my...I dunno, whatever part of me that presides over perception and enjoyment or whatever.

I keep seeing all these games, these enclosed experiences, that are whole worlds and stories that you can visibly measure the start to end from, and yet on a sort of cosmic scale, they still feel infinitesimally small to me; A scaled down experience that needs to be sized up for me to enjoy.

But I know that it's not realistic; A game on a hypothetical scale like that would be incredibly hard to manufacture and hold a process in which the product would be virtually the same as what's produced now. Yet, even so, I still just wish and hope that *someone* will come along and make something that would be worth my attention, worth my adoration, worth the energy that goes into a hyperfixation and actually sustain the cost that goes into it, without it collapsing in on itself.

Am I a fool to have such a dream?

[hashima3479]

My friends and I have been talking and speculating about Persona 6 today, and after some discussion and humoring ideas, while also referencing the previous entries in the series, I've come up with two (separate?) ""predictions"":

One, is about the shape theming the game'll have: Persona 3 has bubbles, Persona 4 has flowers, and P5 has stars, each of them having some form of symbolism. Bubbles signify the fragility of life, and how at any moment, it could end (or 'pop'). Flowers represent (as far as I've been told, considering I know nothing about P4) persistence in the face of adversity (like how nature will always sprout, even with layers of concrete sitting on top of it). Stars embody the cultural idea of a star; Someone who's put in the spotlight for what they're known for. Each of these carry a meaning in their games's story.

I personally see diamonds (the gem shape, not the math shape) being a possible theme for P6, with the idea that by being put under so much crushing weight and pressure, the characters can become their best selves. Now, I know also that each game has a main color (P3 is blue, P4 yellow and P5 red) and they incorporate that with their representative shape, which also works rather well (bubbles are often depicted with blue, flowers can be yellow and such), but considering how P6 has been confirmed to be green, I feel like that wouldn't necessarily match *as* well as the others.

The other symbolism is the action the characters perform to summon their persona (P3 shoots oneself, P4 tears a card, P5 rips off a mask). Now here is where things get dicey, hence the "(separate?)" above.

For this idea, I (or well, my friend) thought of them cutting their palms. In my mind, I could see this working as a means of showcasing strong, blood bonds between either the characters, or the characters and their personas. Maybe, that through forging everlasting bonds, the characters can undergo any pressure and shine bright, becoming their best selves? Just a passing musing/connection, to be honest.

Either way, that's my take on it, and we'll have to see how accurate, or inaccurate, I ended up being.

[hashima3479]

No medium can fully capture the width of what I am capable of envisioning: It would require skewing into a dimension (spatial dimension) that humanity cannot reach; That's why 3D feels so constricting to me-- It feels like I'm meant to be beyond this trinary, this incessant cage of only three manners of manifestation.

I. Want. Out.

I want to breathe, I want to feel, I want to access and explore all the senses I wish I could ever have; To feel in manners that make this reality a distant memory, one overshadowed by splendiferous wonder and excitement, a place beyond description in these concrete (material) words.

The reason I don't create, is because the media (medium, plural) can't keep up with me.

Any idea I have evolves, adapts and grows at a singularital, exponential rate: The entire thing, encompassed, happens in a scale greater than time; The beat's entire nature, let alone pace, is higher than what current reality can offer. And another thing happens: Once an idea is had, it decays-- I can't keep up with it; It goes away and I can never make it reality, because it outpaces even myself.

You know how heartbreaking it is to experience such marvelous creations, so enriching and fulfilling, just to see it all accelerate outside your eyes and end up burning itself up into a crisp? It's like being a cosmic being, seeing an entire universe spring to life, grow and evolve, just to witness its heat death in a timespan faster than sensical to you; It's deplorable, maddening, fills you with anguished grief-- Ideas you can never see realized, because they have their natural pace, and you can't keep them slowed to match yours, they *have* to move.

Even then, it's not like I could just project my mind into some computer; It'd take the events of Pantheon (Netflix show) to even come **close** to reaching a medium that can hold me, let alone deal with all my complexities and intrusive decay.

All I can do is see, and suffer, forever bound to a timescale that will never grant me the freedom of burning hot.

[hashima3479]

The reason I don't create, is because the media (medium, plural) can't keep up with me.

Any idea I have evolves, adapts and grows at a singularital, exponential rate: The entire thing, encompassed, happens in a scale greater than time; The beat's entire nature, let alone pace, is higher than what current reality can offer. And another thing happens: Once an idea is had, it decays-- I can't keep up with it; It goes away and I can never make it reality, because it outpaces even myself.

You know how heartbreaking it is to experience such marvelous creations, so enriching and fulfilling, just to see it all accelerate outside your eyes and end up burning itself up into a crisp? It's like being a cosmic being, seeing an entire universe spring to life, grow and evolve, just to witness its heat death in a timespan faster than sensical to you; It's deplorable, maddening, fills you with anguished grief-- Ideas you can never see realized, because they have their natural pace, and you can't keep them slowed to match yours, they *have* to move.

Even then, it's not like I could just project my mind into some computer; It'd take the events of Pantheon (Netflix show) to even come **close** to reaching a medium that can hold me, let alone deal with all my complexities and intrusive decay.

All I can do is see, and suffer, forever bound to a timescale that will never grant me the freedom of burning hot.

[hashima3479]

I'm tired of this repetitive cycle of finding someone, getting my hopes/feelings up for a possible connection, only for someone else (with a more efficient process) to slide in and take what could have been my place.

That, and I wish it didn't happen so often, or at the very least had someone who would see it happen and genuinely pity me

[hashima3479]

I wish relationships weren't a competitive game, with hard metas and unpredictable variables and strategies, along with people who just get more benefits just because reality is skewed in their favor

[hashima3479]

I really don't want to be around people all the time, but sadly there are no other emotional outlets outside of something that's even tangentially related to humans: I truly do just wish there were more explorable dimensions in our current manner of living, more quiet areas that humanity could choose to visit, but most don't; Places where the soul could rest, and yet not feel alone, isolated.

Having all this tension in me is more than just torture: It's sapping me of my very life, of this ruinous essence that keeps me stable. I don't want to be around people that cause it to resonate, to activate; I just want it to be calm, to be cool.

I just wish I could slip between the folds of reality and just, enjoy the meager sunset of a purple land, one devoid of humanity's chaos, and full of an esoteric stillness that this world long forgot.

[hashima3479]

I really just don't understand loving relationships: I, for the life of me, cannot fathom what it is like to have another person be attuned to your specific frequency; To actually..be there for you? Protect you, as it were? I cannot possibly cognify what that is like; I can't make any sense of it.

Just, the idea of having someone wanting to be in close proximity to you, wanting to do things with you, or better yet, help you heal; I just can't understand it at all, it's so unbelievably foreign to me, to the point where I can't even begin to simulate what it's like before triggering my trauma responses.

Love is a weird and scary thing, and I, quite frankly, dread the day it imposes it's menacing aura onto me

[hashima3479]

Being burdened with knowledge truly is a curse: Because imagine being able to intuit-simulate activities that you know you'd be proficient at, but also be capable of understanding that those things would not be possible in this corner of all possible reality; Being able to formulate and assess all these info points, and how they'd interact with the world, but when you try and find a root to the world we live in, it becomes nigh-impossible to the umpteenth degree.

You know how useless I feel, being capable of simulating all of these things and how'd they'd go (in the dynamics of everything), just for it to be nothing more than an alterdimensional pipe dream? It really takes the wind out of your sails, and shows you the path of fate you have to walk, seeing just how meager and bleak it is; So devoid of purpose and color.

Sometimes, I truly do wish my mind held enough energy to course-correct and meld my synapses and such together to create a one-time mental wormhole to transport me to another reality, one where my mind can spread its roots and grow into what I've never been able to see before. But no, that is not possible, so I'll have to suffice with all these useless, meaningless possibilities that only serve to further depress me, showing me all it is that could be possible, but not in this washed out meld of mass I hold residence to

[hashima3479]

I'm tired of this constant cycle of Twitter, Discord and less-interesting third thing: I genuinely have nothing else of substance to actually bide my time with, and it's so exhausting having the same two and a half, used-up places to entertain myself with:

An infested Twitter feed (ever since the one day that the change hit)

A Discord server that mildly tolerates me, filled with lacking individuals with misguided morals

And whatever meager thing that I can get something out of, which usually doesn't last much at all anyway.

Even the other set of options I have, being a Steam game or two, also doesn't do much for me.

I really feel like the things that would give me purpose are ever outside the reach of my grasp, and *I'll* never live long enough to see them. I'm stuck feeling like I have some purpose to serve, but with no realistic means of achieving it. I'm stuck in this malignant stasis where everything repels me into this one spot of least-resistance, and it's exhausting; I just want to have things that cater to and fulfill me, is that really so much to ask for? Others have these things on hand, so unbelievably plentiful that they've never even realized just how privileged they are to have a world in which their desires are resonated with; It's so unbelievably fucking unfair.

I hate having to bear this end of the stick, 'the shafted one', being the one left outside of the light of reality's acknowledgement: Every role has already been filled (and accounted for), so I have to make do in the 'nothing' that remains, scrounging for whatever scraps I can muster so I can get by with more pain than alleviation.

[hashima3479]

Sometimes I wish I could just...mute my brain: Just silence all the thoughts inside and deny any stream of consciousness from forming.

Too many instances where I wish my brain would just shut the fuck up, and leave me alone. I really don't need to be conscious as much as I am, especially seeing as my mind is pretty worthless anyway, considering all that it can't do now.