hatdogma

[hatdogma]

i pity myself so much.

ya know i've been thinking of ways i could off myself for a really long time na haha since i can remember hahaha

and even that shit i cant take action on

hahaha

fucking coward.

[hatdogma]

I can't believe that I am considering being in a relationship with someone who is double my age.

Even before, I am never into guy that are younger than me or is the same age as me. I always am attracted to older guys, and creepily a lot of older dudes are into me too. I put a limit to that, at least a 2-7 year gap is acceptable, as i told myself,,, but i am currently rethinking that. What if i am for a much older dude?

-

I met someone online who is double my age,

He is a great guy and i don't feel that he is just taking advantage of me.

I find him charming, he find me fascinating too.

We share an odd number of similarities despite the huge age gap.

We both are agnostics, and both are just trying to survive life.

We both are fans of zombie stuff, and even preparing for the apocalypse hahahaha

i like the way he tells stories, he enjoys mine too.

We honestly enjoy each other's company as if we know each other for a long time.

-

We only have been talking for like a week, and he is already thinking of settling down (like kinda jokingly hahaha),,, and that made me think, and yeah consider, like what the title is.

like,,,, legit speaking

It checks a lot of boxes for me • doesn't makes me feel insecure, tapos na harot days (kase he's older, i assume he'll be faithful; also from his stories of his relationships)

• an agnostic dude but still have and want a connection w a greater being,,, agnostic theist like me

• doesn't put words in my mouth, he listens!!!

• respects my decisions about my body (like really, he doesn't judge me for it, even how i consider surrogacy)

• older than me

• an animal lover!! (he owns snakes and cats, previously owned scorpions and dogs)

---

pero well, isang linggo pa lang naman. I'm taking everything easy, i dont wanna put too much thinking in to it muna.

By this time i think he is now in love w me honestly HAHAAHAHAHAHA

I can understand naman why he seem nagmamadali to settle, pero i am half his age and i got a lot of stuff to consider pa.

If it's up to me like right now, ill give it a try.

Pero maaga pa nga, isang linggo pa lang

at masyado pa akong maraming bagay na dapat iconsider

For now, mag-eenjoy muna ako, di ko rin naman pinapaasa, i treat him like how i treat a close friend naman.

-

8/12/2021

[hatdogma]

idk if im in love with you or it is just the thought of not being so alone

[hatdogma]

maybe ill die alone

I love love, and it hurts how I am so afraid of having a new romantic relationship despite of having a lot of choices.

And I don't think I would be ready any time soon, or any time really.

Even tv shows trigger my "don't trust anyone" instinct and i hate it so much.

I sure know how I'll be just fine with or without a partner, i just hate how it is not a "by choice" kind of thing and is dependent on my trust issues.

Deeply-seeded trauma.

Things that led me into this kind of thinking sure had happened a long time ago.

I was a kid, I didn't know any better, and no one told me what is.

I'm not angry to anyone I had relationships with, they were just as young and naive as I was. I'd never forget how those relationships were traumatic and shitty tho; and they would always be a huge part of the reason why i can't trust people so much.

I would love to maybe look back at this post, years after, where all my fears about relationship would be past way behind me, that they are no longer hindering my "future."

I love love, and i am also afraid of it too. so much.

I don't and can't settle for anyone and commit for a long time relationship because what if my fear acts up and i want to abandon them? or what if that fear came true: they abandon, hurt, or betray me?

I maybe am just overthinking everything to protect myself as a way to pay my young self. haha. darling, you are in a safe place now, and i hope i never fail to protect u on things that will hurt you. Hurting sure is a part of life but we will try to avoid feeling that if it is avoidable.

I hope ill be better.

in the next few years will i be rewatching tv shows alone... will i be dancing in the kitchen at 3am alone.. will i be pigging out alone hahAHAHA.. ???

i don't know for sure but i hope that i am happy and that whatever situation i'll be in, it'd be by choice,,, maybe? or if not, i just really hope im happy without any reservations.

3202021

[hatdogma]

Hey god or gods what the fuck did i do wrong for u to punish me like this

and no don't give me that shit that other people have it worse than me

because i'm fucking aware

that's why i don't think what i'm feeling is valid

what the fuck is wrong with this godforsaken world

putangina niyo

[hatdogma]

sobrang clouded ng utak ko with thoughts that i think only writing can help me clear them out

na para bang puno na storage ng phone mo kaya need mo na ilagay iba sa drive

whahaha tanginang yan 2ndyr 2nd sem na di pa rin ako ready sa college 

[hatdogma]

[hatdogma]

CQ 322: Garlic Butter Pasta

Hi, ngayon tuturuan ko kayong gumawa ng garlic-butter pasta kasi gusto ko.

Servings neto mga 5-8 people depende sa appetite o kung sino kasama mo o kung wala kang kasama basta yon goods naman gang walo.

Ingredients:

- 500g spaghetti pasta ( o kahit anong pastang meron ka HaHDAHawHDAWHDa)

- 5 garlic cloves (o kahit gano kadami gusto mo buhay mo yan)

- 1/4 cup melted butter (o margarine)

- 1/4 cup olive oil (o vegetable oil kung wala ka olive oil)

- 1/4 cup onion chives (instead of parsley kasi wala tayo non pwede rin kung meron ka bat hinde)

- 1 tbsp salt

- 1/2 tsp red pepper flakes

Procedure:

Step 1: Para sa pasta

- Sa malaking pot pakulo ka tubig in high heat para mabilis kumulo, pag kumulo na, lagay mo na yung pasta tas lagay mo yung asin.

- Pakuluan mo, 8-11mins, wag mo takpan tapos adjust mo yung apoy para di mag boil-over (o magbubble tas bumaha)

- Drain

Step 2: Para sa Garlic-butter shit

- Sa malaking kawali, low heat ah, gisa mo yung garlic, chives at red pepper flakes sa olive oil. Gisa mo gang golden na yung kulay ng bawang (mga 10-15 mins lngs)

Step 3: Haluin mo na

-lagay mo si pasta dun sa garlic mixture, haluin mo

-lagay mo na yung butter, haluin mo ulit

Optional:

-Lagyan mo cheese sa ibabaw haha pero per plate na lang siguro

--

yun lang