hatehappypeople

[hatehappypeople]

its been years since i last journaled? 

anyway, heres a post i thought i should write to pen down all the things that gong on in my head and re-evaluate things and see where it’d bring me. 

So perhaps a year ago, i LOST my best friend. long story short, we drifted, and turns out another of my best friend, lmao, got distant away too from me (dk wtf happened but i presumed its a good choice because shes never been there).

so, 

1. J left

2. H left

3.. F left.

4. Met P

5. P... 

I cant. i literally cant. im fresh out of tears tbh, i confided in friends i thought would help. If God can help, i wish he could take away this pain thats insufferable for a year plus. I wish that theres no more pain and that there will be no more bad things happening to me. For me, i chose God over love. P said he couldn't accept that i want him to be a christian but truth be told, yes,even tough i didn't tell him i want him to be converted and be married as a Christian couple, he mentioned that he did it because of me and that he will never be a christian.

P is someone whom ive fallen in love with since secondary school. though drifted, i remembered he was quite the heart throb, crushed by many girls.

as soon as we touched based last year in July, we got together. He was nice.

He was gentle, patient, loving, caring, never got angry, insecure. But recently things took a turn and went south. He is constantly angry, insecure, impatient, frustrated and egoistic. I still do love him.\

I hugged him tight last night because i know that will be the last I saw of him. 

God, heal this pain. 

heal him. 

i must have caused him to be this way. 

wherever you are and whatever you are doing, God, i pray that you will favour him the wisdom and peace in his heart that he will trust in your plans in time to come. Just like how im trying.

Amen

[hatehappypeople]

because it will never be you

I was smart. I pulled the plug.

Just cos you are attracted, doesn't mean i don have to repel.

I am now, but one day i will feel better.

[hatehappypeople]

Let it be tonight.

Tonight is the night.

Bring me home.

[hatehappypeople]

Grusia 

[hatehappypeople]

i can't do this anymore - 

i can't do life anymore.

i can't lie through my teeth anymore.

i need to go somewhere where happiness do not exist, and so are depression and dark moments.

i can't watch this. i can't watch my life anymore. i can't fathom how this life of mine has been on replays the entire time. 

i can't deal with this anymore.

i can't pretend anymore.

i can't live.

i don want to.

i can't sleep at night, in the mornings - even if i do, my nightmares remind me I'm still an inadequate person.

i dream of my daily life, but actions in it were so much clearer - in fact clear as day. 

i am a pussy at life. cos i want to run.

[hatehappypeople]

i was just looking through the pictures and screenshots of my past when its store in the iCloud.. haft defo give credits to whoever created iCloud - brings back memories.

i tried to add his contact again to see if he's still in Sg. turns out it does not have anymore picture or any mode of contacts.

I'm just wondering where could he be? Hk? Tokyo? Back in brooklyn?

Wherever you are, i wish you all the best.. and to those you left them hanging.

[hatehappypeople]

[hatehappypeople]

How do you stop the feeling of feeling inadequate or even a tint of spitefulness that makess you so petty and want to get back at the person. Not specifically hurting that person, but making his/her heart break.

Everytime i feel that people did not hit their expectation i had of them, i can't help but to feel really disappointed - i feel so disappointed that i always want to do something back at them for making me feel that way -

and the way how you are this afternoon makes me feel like you were him - slight immature - not whiney but just totally irresponsible of your own being and towards others?

Maybe I'm wrong to say that, maybe because I'm having my period now, but i really feel so ughhhhh. like why is everyone out to annoy me???

Why can't you just be a normal human being and take care of your own bloody self when you are a full grown man?!?!

why do you have to do things as if your life depends on it?????? it irks me to know that people always do that and some sort want people around them to care for them - i do not have the time and i certainly do not have the energy to do that - i haven't even take care of my own feelings - i have not packed up and assort my feelings - i feel like I'm being transported back to the past and i cannot help but to think of you as the him last time that i was scared of.

i do not want to compare. but i do want you. i want to think of you as you.

i know i should just have fun and be happy and be soaked in this environment.

maybe the one that should grow up is me, after all...

[hatehappypeople]

D

Ive always felt anger, sadness, but despair is when you don even want to feel anymore. If the only reason why we are here to feel bad, then isn't it better not to have feel anymore? Despair is worse than any kind of emotions. You feel angry and at the end of the day you appeased yourself with some remedy. You feel sad and you will find some ways to feel abit better, not a lot better, but at least you don feel like killing yourself twice as much. But despair, ooooh despair. You feel at the end of the tunnel theres no light. You feel you are stranded by so many people whom you think you could care and love for but nobody gives a ratass. You feel theres no hope, you feel you could just die when you close your eyes. You feel that when you sleep, the nightmares you have is just a constant reminder of your wretched daily life. You feel when you wake up, you wished you were stifled by your own ghosts during your sleep. You feel you could just get knocked down by a car and not care and the sum of money that is going to come around with the insurance could at least save a lil grieving for your family. You feel that when you are at work, you could cry and whatever jokes you made to your colleagues its just so that when you commit suicide, they will think its ok. You feel that when you are about to go home and you can't because you have a pressing deadline to meet but you stayed and you just cracked open a beer from your drawer and thought to yourself - why should i care how people look at me at work when i feel i could just die in this instant? You feel empty when you were making your way back home, knowing you are just going to sleep your pain away, and before you sleep, you know you think of the person you thought you could spend it with, only to realise the universe is highly against you. You made it home and you showered and you feel like you just want to drop dead, in the hot shower. 

You just want to die.

You do not want to feel trust me. because it is just that tedious.

How can i feel bait better? When do i find hope in despair. I really do want to get better but can i be better? I do want to feel that theres something to live for, but are there?

[hatehappypeople]

Freely you gave it all for us.

[hatehappypeople]

why do i feel this way?

[hatehappypeople]

(by Chandler Adame)

[hatehappypeople]

I need alcohol everyday - it's like a problem

[hatehappypeople]

Trust

Back and forth. Reciprocate. Feeling and going with it. I tried. But it seems like trust is something that could be misused. What's new. What up. Just go with it and fuck everybody

[hatehappypeople]

San Gimignano

This post is dedicated to a place i think i will have the most intense memories -

A place i truly am, myself. Pizza that costs 2 euros, beers that costs less than 6 euros, eating my heart out, going to museums, trying to get out of museums free because they thought i was an exchange student lmao.

San Gi, you took my heart away. From that view where i stood, i saw you as you.

I learnt so much, i lived in a house with lovvvvvely host whom said to take me back again, anytime of my life, if i needed nature. 

I would have. I would have gone there again, in a heartbeat, just to get in touch with Nature and somehow God again.

I love eating ice creams by myself, even though I'm not an avid fan, but its just the idea of licking the cold goodness under the sun walking around aimlessly, listening to the edge of seventeen -

I love Italy -

everytime i listen back to a song that i used to do, in Italy, i teared - because i could remember so vividly what i was doing at that point of time and told myself to remember all these little details that will make me.

Rome, Florence, San Gi, Milan, Cinque Terre. 

I just cannot get you guys out of my head - and I'm so glad because each city holds a favourite piece of generic memory in me now - 

and i thank myself for allowing myself to be myself, in this solo trip.

[hatehappypeople]

[hatehappypeople]

Surround yourself with people who make you happy. People who make you laugh, who help you when you’re in need. People who genuinely care. They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through.

Karl Marx (via quotemadness)