haunteddinosaurpersona-blog

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Can I Pay Someone to Kill Me????

I have fresh ass burn marks on my wrist, and I hate myself for harming myself. 

I was finally starting to get over Malachi and then the man who rapped me friend requested me on one of my social media pages and it sent me spiraling back down the rabbit hole.

My sister says I might have PTSD from the rape and from one of my  exes trying to kill me by strangulation. 

I just don’t want to remember anything anymore. Maybe if I drink enough I’ll die in my sleep and not have to deal with the flashbacks or night terrors. 

I fucking hate myself and I feel like it was all my fault, but everyone keeps telling me it wasn’t 

I shouldn’t have trusted him, I should’ve known better 

It was my fault, and I don’t know how to feel better other than causing pain to myself 

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I’m drunk, what’s new???

Hiya, I’m fucking drunk and depressed because this world fucking sucks.  

The only reason I haven’t ended myself is because I miss Malachi and he is mainly the reason I don’t wanna die. I want to be better for him. Maybe he will take me back if I get better??? I don’t fucking know. 

I just really miss him

I miss him so much

I miss his touch 

I miss his soul

he was my exploding star 

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I’m a satellite, and I can’t get back without you ♥

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I wish I could talk to someone without feeling like a burden

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Breaking Point

This is my breaking point, and I guess you could say it’s my fault. I usually just let everyone step on me anyways, so why not just step on myself as well, save someone the trouble. 

I was dating this guy for four or five years, was so in love at the beginning, but by the end it just wasn’t meant to be. I was trying to find a way out, but I cared for him as a friend, and loved him as a friend as well. I just could’t deal with the emotional trauma he was putting me through, kinda like Stockholm syndrome but not as severe. I grew emotionally and physically with this guy. He was there when my aunt was deteriorating because of cancer, when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer again, and so many other life altering moments. It was difficult to let go, but I wanted someone who would treat me like a human instead of a pet cat. 

So, around eight months ago, Malachi came into my life. I fell head over heals for this man. One of my main flaws is that I fall quick and hard for someone, he was no exception to this. I found myself so in love, so happy.

I was already so damaged because the strain of the breakup and then loosing all our mutual friends (I kinda brought that upon myself though) but still, it hurt a lot. But I needed stability, and someone who wouldn’t crush my emotions every chance they got. 

He helped me realize that I wasn’t being treated right in my current relationship, so I dumped my old boyfriend and got with him instead. 

Well, me being the dumb ass I am, missed my ex. 

You have to understand that I saw his siblings grow up, I was a decent chunk of their lives. His sister Bella was so small when we first met, she was so adorable and always full of energy. His brother Elijah was disabled and had to be in a wheelchair, but he never let that dim his fire, he was the sweetest most kind and loving person I knew. His grandmother adored me like I was one of her own. His mom hated me, but hey I’m not perfect obviously. 

I decided to talk to him in secret, without Malachi knowing. That happened for the first two months of our relationship. I was curious about how things were going with him, and his family. I also missed having him around. He was my best friend for over five years, he meant a lot to me. It was the worst mistake of my life, and I regret it every second of it.

Malachi confronted me about it, voiced how he felt, and tried to break it off with me. I didn’t want to lose him and I cleaned up my act. I blocked my ex on everything, didn’t try to contact him at all. 

I thought everything was fine, I was faithful and loyal right after that. I stopped talking to all my guy friends that had interest in me, even though I wasn’t interested in them in that way and had been friends with them for a long time. 

I was so full of happiness to be with him. I cherished every minute with him, and told him all the wonderful things I adored about him. 

Fast forward five months later, I felt like something was wrong with him. I asked him if he was okay and asked if we could be better at communicating our feelings. He hits me with “I don’t love you anymore.” Come to find out, he wasn’t in love with me anymore, and hadn’t been for the last five months of our relationship. 

This is my breaking point. 

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What Do You Want?

At this point in time, I don’t fully know what the actual hell I want. 

All I do know, is that I want him, but he doesn’t want me. 

This is a post to his dumb ass, even though I know he will never see it. It just feels good to finally say what I need to say, part of the healing process. Right? I don’t even know, I’m fucking drunk. 

You ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it away. I shared my fucking dreams with you, in return you crushed them without hesitation. You fucking destroyed me. You demolished my will to live. You knew I already needed help, and this might just be the reason I seek out mental help.

You caused me so much pain and turmoil.

However, it wasn’t just your doing, it was a group effort. 

You knew I was fragile, that my heart was already defective and mutilated. You lied and said you would help me with my depression, that you would be there for me. 

You knew about my past, how I was beaten and destroyed to the core. You made me believe that I could be loved by someone. That was a lie. 

But you knew what the fuck you were doing. 

You had intimate relations with me, knowing that my heart would be obliterated once I found out that you didn’t truly love me. 

You made me feel protected and comfortable, only to eject me from my safe haven. 

You made me feel extraordinary. We had plans for the future, and you included me into those plans. You lied to my face when you told me all those things. 

You made me feel ecstatic. The reason I would wake up and have a smile on my face. You’re the reason I abandoned the idea of happiness.

All I can even think about now is that you said you loved me countless times, but you didn’t mean it after a while. For five fucking months.

I can’t even trust a single fucking pathetic word that comes out of your mouth.

You said that I broke your trust, but all along you lied to me the whole duration of our relationship. 

I couldn’t deal with the emotional trauma that you caused,

Hence why I’ve continuously burnt my flesh with metal, because I rather feel the agonizing scorch of the metal against my skin than to recap on all the things that you didn’t mean. 

Cut my thigh is so many places that you can barely see any remaining bare skin. You always said how soft my skin was, but now its just a dreadful reminder that you lied so much that maybe you lied to me about everything.

Drank almost every day for over a week. I can’t fall asleep anymore, it’s just a saddening bullshit excuse to cry at this point. Rather than cry my heart out, I just drink until I pass out cold. Maybe, just maybe, my dreams of dying in my sleep would come true. 

You’re fucking pathetic. What kind of man lies to a woman who cares so much about him? Answer: a stupid pathetic fucking piece of shit. 

I am currently holding a bottle of vodka, and writing this bullshit post and I legit don’t know if I can even think about you without wanting to punch my fist through a fucking wall. 

I fucking loathe the thought of you. 

Damn, I use a lot of curse words in this post. Oh fucking well. 

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