hav-vok - Tumblr blog

[hav-vok]

*wish I had a group of friends to ask this to*

do you ever get.like, bad news fatigue

like, I already don't watch the news. but I consume a lot of truce crime media, possibly as a way to make me believe that bad things can have appropriate outcomes (I'm not super fond of unsolved crimes)

but over the little things, like S got an iPad for this thing he's doing, and he really only needs it to read music off, but he's moaning about it having screen burn, and being hard to charge, and can't get the Bluetooth keyboard working and this and that and everything is going wrong and I have to constantly say like "it's fine it's okay it's fine"

and at the same time any tiny thing that fucks up for me is magnified or blanked out

I just don't have the capacity for empathy recently

specifically empathy towards S. so that's difficult.

[hav-vok]

I have decision fatigue with every single thing I have to choose, from what I wear to what I want to watch to what to eat, to the house and moving dates and whether or not to spend 20£ on a fuckin bra to make me feel better about this fuckin dress ive picked to wear to the wedding.

I don't want to have to choose or pick or decide anything anymore. I just want it to happen

[hav-vok]

consistently having to explain myself in excruciating detail so I'm not misunderstood because every time I don't do this I am consistently misunderstood

but no, I'm not autistic 🙃

[hav-vok]

queen of making myself cry on the way to work by pretending to be having a therapy session

[hav-vok]

there's this weird cognitive dissonance where I both think I am autistic and also can't believe I am autistic because I'm not longer surrounded by neurotypicals

but I'm pretty sure this whole thing of both simultaneously trying to make myself feel better about myself and also feel much worse mentally by watching other people with mental illness happening and I don't know what's happening

I just want to have someone to like, actually talk to. who actually listens and helps me figure this shit out because I don't know anything anymore

[hav-vok]

had this weirdly upsetting dream where it was my birthday and the only people there was S family and my father but they gave me photos of everyone having fun picnics (including my mum) without me?

one of my 'gifts' were bread buns. they said they were beignets but they weren't. my father continued the theme of not knowing me by handing me some sort of scrubbing thing through a window so I could clean it for him. everyone had super pretty vintages dresses on but I didn't. I just remember wanting to hide or cry or tell them to all go away.

and then I wake up and I still look like I did and I still feel like I did and it's too warm already because the earth is being murdered. everything is wrong. but it's fine.

[hav-vok]

made myself feel even shittier about my body because my tits are so uneven

like at least 3 cup sizes uneven

and I'm trying to explain the surgery options and how much for a big deal it is to S

and he's literally on his phone messaging and like "just think of it like a tattoo" like no dude I wouldn't be able to lift my arms for weeks like is not a tattoo

and I'll never be able to afford it or justify the expense anyway

just fuckin sucks.

[hav-vok]

got compliments on my arm tattoos today

one from a lady who I had a nice conversation with

and another from a guy who is cute, and has tattoos and I'm always a little shy to talk to, but I was fully blushing explaining the meaning of the tattoo and maybe he thought it was cool that it was so nerdy idk.

just nice to have so many nice things said to me today.

[hav-vok]

realised that none of my discord communities are actually communities I'm part of anymore. I was just hanging about for the tea but now it's... not fun.

and now I've realised I don't really have any community. like no group of people with a shared interest in a shared online space anymore. I thought about telling my singular friend about it but... it doesn't seem right. I'll just be community-less by myself, ironically.

[hav-vok]

this year is not what I wanted it to be

these past few years are not what I wanted

it feels like since I moved here everything has been a downward spiral.

a shitty job that paid well and broke my mental health to a shitty job that pays shitty.

friends no where near me to friends not even responding to discord messages, being isolated online and offline.

spiraling poor health, spiraling mental health, desperately trying to access help and it being slow, or not at all.

the realisation I'm probably autistic but no point in pursuing that because it's such a "trend"

the lack of energy to create anything. the feeling that I should be a mildly successful artist if only I could use social media. the lack of ability to use social media.

the inability to go anywhere by myself. the feeling that I've missed all the boats. the feeling that no one really wants to give me a chance. the feeling that I can't give myself the chance.

the feeling that I can't complain because others have it worse. that I just have to keep going because it will get better when nothing has got better for years.

the thoughts occasionally wondering what the point is. why should I keep going if this is it. like my hair constantly fading back to blue whether I dye it purple or green or anything. it's blue. nothing changes and everything changes are there is only small moments of happiness because there is no opportunities for actual joy, no overwhelming success, no big wins. no wins.

-

I've been packing up my stuff, or trying to get a head start on it, because the landlord is chucking us out of the house. I've got too much stuff. it's too much. but I can't just throw things out either because I'm hoarding. because I might not be able to get that again in the future if I need it. but really, do I need any of my craft supplies when I haven't made anything all year? surely I should just put everything in a big box out front and say free, take it. wouldn't it be easier if I didn't have any hobbies, like normal people. people who just watch TV and look at their fake house plants and then do the washing up whilst staring out the window. wouldn't that be easier.

wouldn't it be easier to just have nothing, be no one, do nothing, disengage from living. lie down in a little box in the cold earth for a long time. wouldn't it be easy.

[hav-vok]

I do so much of the emotional work in this relationship

he doesn't talk to anyone else

even his mental health assessment I had to be part of because it didn't go how he wanted

I'm so overwhelmed with everything and so is he

and idk what else to do. everything is too much.

[hav-vok]

fun thinking that one of the things with hypermobility is that it can look like clumsiness and silly injuries and I look back at my top 5 most painful injuries that I can recall how I injured myself and like

small child breaks arm by tripping over own feet and falling onto carpeted floor

child breaks ankle by slipping on sloping grass surface whilst walking

teenager sprains wrist (with added pins + needles) by opening a door

young adult sprains ankle by flexing it with a circular motion

adult hurts shoulder (I couldn't lift my arm??) by ... lifting arm.

but no of course I'm not hypermobile enough for further investigation because I can't touch the floor with my palms whilst standing straight

[hav-vok]

apparently the universe heard me saying I wanted out of this house

I didn't mean like immediately universe

but thanks I guess

[hav-vok]

was consistently told my a co-worker today that I'm wasted in my current job and I should be making a living off my art like

ya I should be

but I'm a chronically ill neurospicey goblin attempting to live in a capitalist society and that doesn't agree with making art so like 🤷🏻‍♀️

thanks for the reminder that I'm wasting my potential and wasting my life 🙃

[hav-vok]

caught up with a friend who I was worried about

ended up feeling hopeless about my life and entire living situation

🙃

[hav-vok]

S got prompted at his job a few weeks ago. the boss expects him to be both a mind reader and a crystal ball. he's having a talk with the boss today because apparently he is not a mind reader or a crystal ball. he is expecting to be demoted.

I was going to ring an estate agent about a house listing. not sure it's worth it now.

why can't things go well.

[hav-vok]

all my creativity and ability is just out of reach, like it's on the tip of my tongue

I'm trying to recharge but I think the batteries have run through all their cycles or something