hayleysdiary

[hayleysdiary]

21.9 -22:03- Thursday evening

Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhh

Life's too much at the moment. I can't get anything right. There's so much we need to buy..I'm not the bread winner anymore. Everything's pointing at not getting on Andrew's wedding holiday which I reeeeeeeaaaaally wanna go on just for a break from this hole of nothing else but we're not gonna be able to afford it at this fucking rate.

Long n short of it is that I'm stressed cos I'm smoking too much- which in turn affects my mood and state of mind. I love my walks with Rodders but I need to not take my rolled ones.

I know what I need to do just need to put it in to fucking action now. I haven't been running for ages which I reeeeeaaallly need to do to get my head back on. I keep putting it back on but it's not a rejuvenated head so I lose it again literally days after. And each loss like that gets harder and harder.

Come oooooonnnnn Mitch sort your shit out. No patience with bam means you need do something about this and FAST.

No smokes

Run

Bam comes first

No arguments.

RUN.

peace ✌

[hayleysdiary]

[hayleysdiary]

5th August, 2307, Saturday night

A fucking stonker of shit over the last coupla weeks. I'm smoking the doobs too much....a one Skinner every night. I know it's not much compared to the past but I'm a fucking mum now I shouldn't be doing it all. Of course I still function absolutely fine if not better but that's no excuse. And through all that- hating myself for it- I'm finding whatever I do within myself, I don't accept....I'm never good enough. I'm starting to realise that I'll never be good enough for myself. I have such high standards for myself. Yea you read, MYSELF. Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I be happy and proud of what and who I am. I know I'm doing fucking well deep down. I'm a "high functioning sufferer". Oh right. So I'm cope. OK. What do I do now? I want to better myself. How? I can't do a degree in veterinary things, it's too expensive. Only rich kids can go learn now. Next port of call- childcare. After school clubs? Get qualified. Get educated and begin. Hmmmm....food for thought there Mitch. You're never gonna be good enough for yourself so go do something to make yourself proud. You're only 30, this can be the start of your future...MAKE IT HAPPEN. More to the now- I need to get my running feet back on....very unfit but loving the walks with Rodney. As of next week I'll be cutting out or at least down the doors and replacing it with running. Hopefully it'll be a nice swift transition like it was last time. RUN MITCH RUN peace ✌

[hayleysdiary]

22.7.17 Saturday evening

Well. Alex annoys me these days. Doesn't do anything right the fucking mong. Or is it me being too controlling....I like things done my way, what's so bad about that??? We're on two completely separate planets right now. I don't like that or him. I feel 100% alone in life. I feel like I'm doing well as a mummy these days anyway. I'm in tune to bam- I know what he needs and when but it is getting harder every day. He wants to move but hadn't quite cracked it yet....so that frustrates him. Haha. Bless. I got myself a puppy. I love him. Although I feel guilty cos he's got most of zebs toys 😕 I'm sure zebby would be OK with it....I'm so sorry stinkerbell, I love you and will never stop loving you- you'll always be my boy. New pup is called Rodney, he's half lab half retriever and he's perfect temperament for what we need. He loves bam and is absolutely harmless. He just wants to be friends with everyone. He's so cute. I thought he was massively thick but he's coming on loads after 4/5 weeks of us having him. Proud of him. Bams crying gotta go, PEACE x

[hayleysdiary]

27.6.17 Tuesday morning 1130

Well I'm not in crisis for once....I'm not exactly positive either. I've just started taking citalapram, yea that's right those anti depressants that you were on many years ago that did fuck all. Well I'm in a hole at the min.. mummy life is HARD man. Beau fights and fights and fights his sleep when I KNOW he's tired. It's so fucking frustrating and that's basically the cause if this hole. The main cause anyway. BUT on the upside- it's supposed to be a good thing that he fights his sleep. Apparently it means that he's an intelligent, alert baby. Basically he's fucking nosey and wants to know what going on all the bastard time. Anyway.. I believe my BPD is pretty much under control at minute- it's my overwhelming depression that's taken over. I've only just admitted it could be depression over the last coupla weeks as I've been so annoyed that I could have *another* mental disability aswell as BPD. I guess it just makes me feel like a failure, a shit min, a complete shit tip. Why do I struggle so much?! It's annoys me so much that I struggle and bit shouldn't, ya know! I need to get rid of my annoyance, accept it and follow steps to fix it. To be fair I am currently going to mood master every week to battle BPD and I'm on my second lot of anti depressants (first lot made me feel fucking vile) to battle my depression. So I am taking all necessary steps to get myself back on track. In other news I got myself a job! Yea, you read! It was 111 call handler which I'd love to do but had to turn it down due to the shifts being shit. So that's a positive boost telling me that I CAN do it! Running's back on the agenda....I'm not managing to go as often as I used to but once a week is more than never. AND I have just bought myself a puppy! yes!! He's not home yet, I'm hoping to bring him at the weekend.....YAY YAY YAY finally! I hope zebbys watching over and approving. OK I'm done. Peace 🙌

[hayleysdiary]

1st May 2017, 1742

OH MY FUCKING GOOD GOD- MY STUPID PIECE OF SHIT "BOYFRIEND" HAS TAKEN MY SON TO HIS VILE FAMILY. HIS FAMILY OR HIM HAVE STRIPPED MY SON TO HIS VEST 😱😱🙁 I AM NOT IMPRESSED. He will not be going to that shit hole on his own EVER again the vile pathetic cunt. I cannot believe they gave done that to my son, they clearly need supervising...I CANNOT COPE WITH THIS Alex is getting such a bollocking when he gets the thick twat. Is there any wonder I hate him? AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

[hayleysdiary]

19.4.17- Wednesday afternoon, 1343

Well. I went that stupid fucking baby session at the community centre. I hated every single minute of it....I don't enjoy that shit one bit. Not one tiny iota. It's full on hell for me and I have no idea why. There's obviously something very wrong with me cos all the other mums dint give a fuck, they talk, do mummy stuff, talk mummy stuff....everything they do is confident and self aware and happy...then there's me- the piece of shit in the corner. Because I'm not the average "mother", I don't sing nursery rhymes or owt, I simply don't fit it. It's awful. It was that bad I wasn't gonna go-any excuse-, Alex made me guilty about it so I went but I took him with me. That, in my book, is cheating. I think that's why I've come home in a mood cos I cheated and took my security blanket. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL PATHETIC CUNT PATHETIC CUNT PATHETIC CUNT PATHETIC CUNT PATHETIC CUNT PATHETIC CUNT

[hayleysdiary]

17.4.17- 2343 Tuesday night

It's not often I post when I'm OK. Well. I'm OK. I've had Remy hand Mila round today which has exhausted me, always does with hyper Mila, bless her...but seeing Rem always lifts spirits...I hope I do the same for her. She tells me she's eating better but is she fibbing to keep me off her back....not sure. Hopefully seeing her again on Monday at the sculpture park- looking forward to that! Even off it does hold a bad memory of me tipping Mila up :/ Get over it Mitch. I'm sure Mila has. So anyway my parents came yesterday, so a full week with me being a recluse and the I'm forced to let me mother come destroy my soul...only cos I cancelled on her last week. She brought Melvin- always makes it better when she brings Melvin :) I laid it on her how bad I've been recently not that took any of it seriously. She gave me shit advice as always but then I set her with a task. She asked about the blinds she bought and I told her how shit they are, she then jumped to defend them and got to work making them fit. Well that gave me and Melvin plenty of time to take piss out of her! And bam. And each other. I enjoyed it. So that's been my last 2 days. And tomorrow I've got a baby friend session which I intend to go to....I can't put my fucked up shit on bam so I vowed when he arrived that I would take him to these things regardless of how I felt. I completed massage but have completely failed in the other one....I've been once.....time to correct that. COME ON MITCH YOU CAN DO THIS ��👍 Peace ✌

[hayleysdiary]

13.4.17-22:57

Well, mummy life is shit.

It's exhausting...I do every single night shift with the most block sleep being 4 hours if I'm lucky. And here I am writing in my diary rather than sleeping.

Well.... needs must. Or I plot to kill Alex.  

So he's depressed. He's depressed cos of me. I depress anyone I live with cos I'm hard work. I know I'm hard work cos i have to live with myself- I've tried to escape that shit (suicide) it hasn't worked for some unknown fucking reason. Anyway, its a well known fact that one cannot help the mental health of a loved one. So I'm trying to get him to go to the doctors to get help. I've been trying to do this for the last fucking month...excuse after excuse after god dam excuse. He's a prick, hes not willing to help himself.

And then today I've decided to take advantage of his day off and let him have Beau all day on his own so I can catch up on some well needed sleep. Well that went tits up. Alex decides to give the whole of downstairs a full deep clean, make 3000 coffees, piss 1500 times and make 3 square meals all while I'm in bed listening to all this. He's turned into mary fuvking poppins and by god that fucks me off so much. 

Such a perfect daddy doing everything a perfect little housewifey should doing i.e. ME. Boils my piss. I genuinely think he's doing this to show me how shitbof a mum i am...fucking show off. He knows it fucks me offand does it regardless aswell. Just like buying me birthday and valentines and fucking mothers day presents fucks me off too- he knows i don't deserve any of these but just because he thinks i do, he does it.  😠 i don't know what to say to the silly cunt when he presents this shit to me that i do not want.. LISTEN TO ME YOU FUCKING PRICK....I DO NOT DESERVE THIS SHIT DO FUCK OFF AND KEAVE ME ALONE. 😠😠😠😠😠😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😲😲😲😲😲😲😲

I could not give a flying fuck if he means well and these are my problems not his.....he should listen and RESPECT my wishes the stupid selfudh piece of shit. 

Rant over. I think. 

He's a cunt and I've told him to move out. Fingers crossed he does eh.

Peace. 

[hayleysdiary]

21.11.16 -18:07

Well alex is being a fucking delight. NOT

I express my doubt of my abilities in being a good enough mum and he shuns me calling anything i say "ridiculous". 

This nob used to be my best friend. My boyfriend. He's in my house pretending to still be these things. but i tell you now he is not. He is far farrrrrrr from it. He knows it as do I, and do you know what else? IT'S PATHETIC. 

He NEVER admits when he is wrong and seems to think every argument we have is my fault. what do we argue about? FUCK ALL. We have the most  petty arguments over nothing, literally NOTHING. 

It's like he's trying to push me away. He wants me to tell him to pack his shit and fuck off. And I've just realised why, because he wants to continue to play the victim for the rest of his life. i should fucking let him! yea, crack on pal. i seriously getting beyond the point where i care. These ridiculous pointless arguments are not good for my baby so i WILL not subject myself to be around him in this shitty little self pity party he's having.

Why I'm up here in bed while he sits on my brand new sofa in my lounge is beyond me. yet if i go downstairs now we'll only have another argument. i do need to get my charger so may aswell go now ant i really. 

It's all just a big fat joke. He's toxic for me. i dont want him here anymore. He has only himself to blame for all of this. 

I could go on n on n on but i need to stop to lull tjings over in my pinhead. 

Peace please. 

[hayleysdiary]

9.11.16 wed. 17:42

Ppppfffffttttt I FEEL LIKE SHIT 

Hate doing diary ont tablet shudda got laptop out. but anyway...

Feeling physically like shit, mentally also and everything is falling apart. me n alex are in a loveless rut, zebbys probably gonna get put down in coming months, I'm struggling to cope at work with such lack of sleep, (only been back 3 days!!) only gotta do another 7 days now...i just struggle with everything at minute.

Im now 35 weeks and 4 days....due to pop VERY soon. my fanny hurts, my pelvis and hips and back hurt, pretty much everything aches. bambams ripping my stomach muscles to shreds which kills...and I've got a high pain threshold! i am either the shittest pregnant lass int world or pregnancy is not for me. im feeling sick and proper shitty. 

So as we know, the BPD does not get controlled/reined in so much when physically feeling shite too. 

Just a bit if a mess right now. 

And counsellor is SHIT with seeing me more often so I'll be a mum by time i see him again! Fucking joke 

I've  ranted now. i need  sleep like 4 days of it so I'm going...PEACE

[hayleysdiary]

14th Oct 2016, 11:53

Well...32 weeks fat tomorrow. 

Majorly struggling now. The more physically incapable I become, the more emotionally unstable I become. And that's a worry in itself...anxiety has taken me over with nerves for becoming a mum. 

Will I be good enough for my son? Will I pass my mentalness on to the poor thing? I mean is it possible to reverse it if I do?! Will I get everything done in time for his arrival? I just dunno!!!! I am often feeling sick with these ongoing, WILL NOT GO AWAY worries. 

I'm back from my docs appointment this morning with a prescription for 'liquid help me shit' and a sick note from today until 21st. I've already been off the whole of this week with my stresses and anxiety..which has stressed me more with worry ...so I'm not 100% sure if I'm gonna use it yet. The longer I take off work the harder it'll be to go back. I really need to go back but then I have a million appointments next week which will be a ball ache to take if detail stick their unwanted noses in. 

No support at work does not guve me incentive to go back, point blank. Yet I can't leave as I'll not recieve my statuary maternity pay...lose, lose situation. Question is; do I use my sick note or not.  

As I keep getting interruptions I  may enter another later haaaaaa 

Laters, peace out 

[hayleysdiary]

31-7-16, Sunday evening, 21:54

well....HA! 

I cancelled the termination after mental killing animals dreams advised me that is was a REAL bad idea. 

So I’m having the baby...Alex has moved into my new rented house with me. We are together...kind of. I’m not happy. But i’m gonna be a mum!! And it’s scary as fuck! But I’m looking forward to it. It’ll be a learning curve...about me as much as me learning to be a mum. 

At the minute I’m 21 weeks gone and we’ve just learnt it’s a boy which is a brucie bonus! I’m real fat, hormonal as fuck and hating being preggers. 

Had to take my nipple piercing out, can’t have tattoos for a good long while and I can’t go on the sunbed, smoke the greenery or run like I used to. It’s all round SHIT. I can’t wait for baby to be born so i can meet him and start being a mum. I just hope I won’t fail. 

[hayleysdiary]

22:48, 20.04.16, Wednesday evening

Yea 2016. Sorry Diary, I’ve neglected you so.

The intense title; I work in a prison now.

I have loved it, I have hated it. I’ve been there for about 18 months now. I just went permanent on Monday the 18th. 

This job effects me in ways, positive ways more than negative, I never thought possible from a job. I have to be strong as to not be corrupted (like I nearly was right after the water project that I first started). I will not show weakness in front of those little scrotes. 

It has caused me to grow a backbone which is always a bonus. It is however, very hard work to keep the pretense up all day every day. So when I get home I am exhausted. It grinds me down and my emotions explode ( at home) after a while. 

I met a guy on POF; Alex. 

He is my best friend and probably the worst person for me to have in my life. Ridiculous I know. 

After reading my last post.....WOW! How I was in absolute denial about “Paddy”!!

Paddy was a manipulative controlling piece of shit and I was brainwashed right there. WOW. It’s only a matter of time before he graces me with his presence in my workplace. So glad I got outta that when I could.

But yea Alex....a completely different story. I’m actually 4 weeks pregnant with his child after living in hull with him since March last year. A mental couple of years that I’ve just come out of. Mental both good and bad. I think out downfall was our ever decreasing mental states/illnesses. I brought him up and he brought me down, through no fault of his own. Alex is a fantastic person and I came away for 2 reasons; 1. I wasn’t 100% attracted to him

                                          2. My (what i thought was) depression was getting too much and needed to space alone to get help/sort myself out. 

So here I am now, at the parents. Since the break up in January, I have hit lower than I ever thought I’d get again. I’ve refused to pick myself up in these past 3 years, seeing as I constantly get knocked down again and again. So after trying to actually top myself again, Alex got me help. I have analysed by a psychiatrist who has diagnosed me something entirely new to me and he hit the nail on head with every little thing he was saying. 

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. 

overwhelming feelings of distress, anxiety, worthlessness or anger

difficulty managing such feelings without self-harming – for example, by abusing drugs and alcohol or taking overdoses

difficulty maintaining stable and close relationships

sometimes having periods of loss of contact with reality

in some cases, threats of harm to others

 Yep that’s me. 

In other words, FUCKING MENTAL. 

But I guess now I might get the help I actually need. I’ve coped since I was a teenager with this so I’ve not done half bad. But yes, I shall certainly try to keep up with my diary entries now, I know this helps. 

So, the pregnancy thing. It’s horrible but I’m having a termination. Alex and I are toxic for each other. Whether this be forever or just because we’re both struggling with our break up; we were best mates and soul mates, and we’ll come together later in life, I just don’t know. We are agreed that bringing a baby into the world at this stage is not the right thing to do. He is to come to my termination on the 28th of this month. I am dreading it. What right do I have to take away a life? But ya know what, I’m putting the child first, cos I wouldn’t be able to care for it to my potential. It will always happen again. 

I AM STRONG. I CAN DO THIS. IT’S FOR THE BEST IN BOTH OUR BEST INTERESTS. (AND THE BLOB’S) 

It’s weird being preggers. I’m fat and bloated but I have more of a backbone and I want to take care of myself. As we always say, 

everything happens for a reason. 

I believe this had several reasons;

To give me more strength, yes more

To send me down to rock rock rock lower than owt 

To make me realise that life can be changed around in an instant

To give me hope

To put my mind at ease; I can have kids!

So where am I at now? Good question!

I am attempting to get myself on an even keel again, and yea you know it Mitch, the running is coming back soon cos you know it helps a fucking shit load. 

I am doing this for one reason, the be able to cope with upcoming trauma I am to put myself through. I need to be strong. 

I have no friends to turn to (apart from Rem but she’s a mum now), which is always great as I have no one to let me down. I think I am now ready to pick myself and rebuild my life. I have to. I have nowhere to turn now, and like I’m telling the mental health woman; Jess, this is my last chance at life. If I don’t make it this time I’m gonna do it, and I’ll do it properly this time. 

I am not looking for a bloke at this moment in time. It’s me and Zeb going into the world again, I need to find my independence again. And I think I will. 

Look at that! Some positivity! I’m not feeling it yet but at least it’s there somewhere.

I’ve got to love myself before I can love.

I’ve got the day off tomorrow. Zeb’s at the groomers for a nail clip and a bath and I think this is the day I will begin running after my bunion operation. Yea, I had that done too! In January last year....mental! Need to screws taking out though. 

So i think that’s a full 3 year entry right there. A big one! 

Quite alot of change. 

Hopefully I’ll continue. 

Peace. 

[hayleysdiary]

BONFIRE NIGHT 2013

also the day i got discharged from the looneybin! yes you heard.

yea only been home for couple of hours so far, was put in it on sunday morning. paddy called the police in an argument after he was sick of me telling him i wanted to kill myself. the police offered me to go get help and i did. and i feel much better as we speak. 

i have to put this in and make it bold because i will forget and be a cunt about it in the future:

paddy did this to get me the help i needed and was crying out for. he was not malicious or nasty in doing it, he did it because he loves me. the only reason i was upset in the first place was because it wasn't on my terms. but really it all has been. 

paddy has shown me that he cares more for me than anyone ever has and i have only just realised that. i need to stop taking him for granted. 

anyway. the looneybin. a massive eye opener with lots of crazies in there, if i was in there much longer i'd have gone crazy too i think. this has been a great experience for me in the respect of now knowing im not crazy just depressed. i also now know that my anger controls me way too much; when im angry or fed up my mood shows it in the way i treat and speak to people and its disgusting. i intend to control this, being aware of it now. 

i saw the psychiatrist and team today after waiting over a day for him. he told me some things i didnt know and has set up some help for me. he told me that my depression isnt the kind that can be cured with tablets.....and the haze clears as to why they do FUCK ALL! at least people should believe me now. i am to see a psychologist and a member of the crisis team once a week. the crisis team member will just check in to see if im ok...not really sure how that'll work. the doctor told me that this kind of depression is generally buried in a childhood problem, i have no recollection of this so he thinks me talking about things will help me greatly.

im quite looking forward to the therapy....it may just be what i need to get better. even if it just teaches me coping methods, etc, i am open to any improvement. i am gagging to get rid of this shit and be happy in life with what i have. i am optimistic as of now and hope to buddha that it helps! desperate is an understatement!! 

signing off. peace. 

[hayleysdiary]

1/11/2013 5pm

don't even know what day it is. FRIDAY!!!!!

had a downer couple of days today but now more than any other time i thought i'd write now because i never usually do. so here goes.

me and paddy had a spat a couple of days ago and dealt with it in the best way possible; separating for a day. however after this, last night after my kennel day i felt very very down. i cried to my parents and had quite a deep conversation with them. melvin was actually more help than mother. me and melvin have bonded rather alot over the time i've been working for him. we're alot closer and know alot aboout each other these days. feels fantastic. i finally feel like im growing up and coping in life...well as of when i got out of bed today at 2pm! it took me about 18 hours this time to pull myself out of this down time. it was a hard one and they are more regular now too so i think i need to cut down on weed, which i have been doing over the last few hours already! i just need to keep going. i also need to get running again. or tae bo as i'm not much of a fan of rain and darkness in this area. 

right at this moment em and paddy are fucking great. he's just come home from work with max and been so sweet, done me great favours by going to thorne for me, etc. he even sent me a really sweet text and has almost got it down to a tee with my down times! he just needs one little tweak of not having a go or lecturing me cos that makes it worse. 

but overall at this moment in time i'm a very happy bunny. 

peace out. 

KEEP RUNNING!!!!

[hayleysdiary]

14/10/13 7pm monday

need to get straight to what i need to do first before i make a proper entry....explain in the entry. 

comes into bathroom when im bathing, disrespectful. 

ignores me when his mates are over. 

sunday was supposed to be our day not playstation day. 

wants our money to be 'our money'....not comfortable. 

shouts and lectures when im down and wont leave me be when i need him to. 

says he'll do practical things like sort the cupboard/wardrobe, put my wardrobe up, build a kennel outside for zeb, fix the fence, sort the basement....the list goes on, and he never gets to these things. 

spends money on things we dont need, i.e. takeaways.