hazel-heart-ache

[hazel-heart-ache]

1/10/25, 9:23pm

You weren't the devil, but you were bad for me.

You weren't all bad and somehow that makes it harder.

I was stubborn and jaded and desperate for greener pastures. You were a reminder of all the painful years I spent trapped with you. I never gave you a real chance to be a better mom to me. You had already broken my heart and I hold a grudge like no one's business. So did you.

I managed to be super stoic til now but if I'm being honest with myself, I'm pretty heartbroken.

I'm mourning the mom you should have been and I'm mourning the mom I wish you were. I also mourn the person you were.

You made your choices, so did I.

[hazel-heart-ache]

My inner child is so fucked

I can't think about my youth or my family without choking.

Distance is a virtue, self reliance is the only option.

[hazel-heart-ache]

It breaks my heart that you were such a good mom to so many people and you could never be a good mom to me.

I never had a mom and I don't know whose fault that is anymore. You were so hard for me to be around, you could be so cruel. You were great sometimes and that made it hurt so much more when you were vicious.

You've been dead for 6 months. My grief lives in a little box in the back of my mind.

I never open it but it's always there. Sometimes it drips out of my eyes.

[hazel-heart-ache]

10/22/24

I've held onto so much hurt over the years. I have to start letting go.

[hazel-heart-ache]

October 11th, 2024; 3:20pm

My soul is tired. I can't talk to anyone. I have no people.

I'm why I have no people.

I'm the problem. I'm not comfortable getting close to anyone. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I feel like a stupid child.

I'm drained, I'm exhausted. I have nothing left to give. My cup is fuckin empty and I can't pretend it's not.

This is it. Hard stop.

No people. No one to let me down, no one to hurt me, no one to leave me.

I'm done.

[hazel-heart-ache]

I can't have a relationship with these people even if I want to.

I can't really have any relationships.

I'm exceedingly difficult to love.

[hazel-heart-ache]

Today was her memorial. I wasn't invited.

It's not much of a surprise. I wasn't ever really part of the family aside from the maid or punching bag.

[hazel-heart-ache]

She loved you! She would get so excited when she talked about you! Until you got within 5 feet of her.

[hazel-heart-ache]

June 20th, 2024; 9:21pm

I'm on my back patio, reading a book. I'm content. I'm at peace. I'm safe.

I never thought I would be here. I never thought I would have this. No fighting, no manipulation, no gaslighting, no abuse, no eggshells, no drugs or alcohol, no mental break downs.

Just peace. Just happiness.

I finally got everything I ever wanted. Success, safety, love.

30 has been my best year yet.

[hazel-heart-ache]

It makes me fucking sick. It makes my stomach flip. It makes my throat do that thing before you cry.

Seeing moms loving their kids, doing sweet things or even just normal shit. Shit you are supposed to want to do for your kids.

I'm in the right age group for kids so a lot of the algorithms show me moms and babies. Moms and kids. Things that are supposed to be relatable for me.

All it ever does is tear me up inside.

I never belonged. I was never liked. I was always the odd man out.

I was the fat pig. I was the fucking slut. I was the liar, the thief.

I was the 10 year old that was suddenly homeless. I can't even remember why anymore. I don't know what a 5th grader could possibly do to deserve that but there I was. It didn't stop there. It was constant, persistent. Ever present mines just waiting to explode, for you to threaten me, to toss me away.

Why was I there? Why did you trick him into knocking you up? Why did you do those things?

I was never supposed to be there.

So it makes sense that they wouldn't want me there either.

Every time I let any of them into my life, I just get hurt. Why am I so fucking stupid? Why am I such a glutton for punishment?

When I was younger it was so much easier to not feel these feelings. I've been bottling and stashing and compartmentalizing for so long. It feels like it's getting harder to do that now.

The behinds of my eyes hurt so badly from holding all this in all the time.

The last time I saw you, you told me I was a hateful baby.

[hazel-heart-ache]

June 9th, 2024; 9:52pm

My mom died on the 4th.

[hazel-heart-ache]

May 14th, 2024; 6:07pm

I'm proud of myself for lots of things, but mostly for getting away from you.

I will not be controlled. I will not be belittled. I will not be manipulated.

And once I got away from all that, after two decades from multiple people? Look at me.

I'm thriving. Finally.

I'm so happy. I'm so at peace.

[hazel-heart-ache]

Why couldn't you have been a better mom? Why were you so mean? Why couldn't you love me?

[hazel-heart-ache]

October 24th, 2023; 3:38pm

I married Zach.

On Friday, October 13th, 2023 at 6:30pm.

I am safe and happy! I have found a kind and patient man who loves me and cares deeply for me. I have a home, it's a house built in 1960. Our landlords are a very sweet elderly couple who only speak Spanish. I have a new job in a new field, I took over as sales manager at Aaron's. It comes with PTO and benefits!

I just can't believe how happy and peaceful my life is. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I would have this. My soul is literally bubbling.

[hazel-heart-ache]

June 22, 2022; 11:04pm

I'm pretty damn chipper.

I'm still trying to be friends with Angel but it's hard bc I have some resentment built up. I tried so hard with that guy. I gave him everything I had.

Otherwise though, I'm great. I got a papasan chair for 65 bucks and I'm thrilled about that.

[hazel-heart-ache]

June 16th, 2022; 3:47pm

I left Angel on the 11th. I live with Jasmin now and I'm sitting in our apartment thinking about how my first serving shift back went. I worked 3 hours and made like 70 bucks. I'm dating Zach still, we've been together for 7 months and it's so weird dating a grownup.

[hazel-heart-ache]

March 11th, 2022; 7pm

Do whatever you want. I'm making the choice to let go. I can't keep feeling like this.

I'm enough for some one, some one is happy to see me, some of misses me.

It sucks that it's not you, but what did I expect from some one that it took 3 years for them to love me, to admit they loved me. I'm a fucking idiot.