hazydazygirl-blog

[hazydazygirl-blog]

[hazydazygirl-blog]

flowers

[hazydazygirl-blog]

[hazydazygirl-blog]

[hazydazygirl-blog]

[hazydazygirl-blog]

Cocktail of regret.

Why do I feel this way? How did I get into these clothes?

I get out of bed. I am confused. 

Something is very wrong.

I look down. I see his face. I feel sick.

It’s dark. My vision is blurred. 

I feel like I have no control over my body and what it is doing. How am I doing that? 

I feel like I’ve been hypnotized. I am watching myself being taken advantage of. Is this a nightmare? I pray this memory ends. 

He puts me on my back. His face is over mine. My body goes limp. I do not move. He does the rest. I let out small gasps for air. My memory could only recall about ten seconds of what maybe lasted ten minutes. I cannot remember the beginning and I cannot remember the end. But I remember enough. 

 I snap out of it. It’s light again.

I bury my face in my hands. I silently weep.

My silent weeping turn into loud sobs as I lean against my bed. How could I have been so stupid?!

I never thought this would happen to me. I have always been so careful.

Maybe I shouldn’t have drank that much. But I always drink that much. Why did my first time blacking out have to be in the company of someone so cruel?

Still, I blame myself. 

I give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I gave the impression that I was okay if I did consent. 

There’s no way. If remember moving the way I did, he should have noticed I was not well.

Still, I blame myself. 

I go out. I see him. I wave at him. He turns his face and pretends he cannot see me. He turns my way again. I wave. I just want to approach him and ask him about it. He pretends to not see me. He avoids eye contact. He is so obvious. He knows what he did. The “man” who took me out on a marvelous date only had one goal all along. He accomplished it. How could I have been so stupid?

My stomach turns.

I want to die.

[hazydazygirl-blog]

waking up to you is like opening my eyes to the first snowfall of the season, where everything shines and life feels like an eternal bliss as your autumnal eyes hasten the solstice.

as cold days approach // s.j. (via perpetualpeonies)