hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

Are there more gay people patrolling the streets than normal? I saw twelve very effeminate men over the course of just one of my idiotic "mental wellness" walks. Number four was wearing an anklet.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

My ex-wife's on the brain much more than usual today. I'm thinking I should buzz my hair again. Not right now, obviously; I'm undercover. But later.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

Important question: wyd if I handed you a macrame bracelet handmade by yours truly

-@thespiritssaidso

Tack it up on my corkboard. But only if the pattern is sufficiently evocative.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

HELLO MR DETECTIVE LASSITER SIR. I have gained a tumblr to follow you and ask you a very VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. DO YOU LIKE SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG??? HE ALSO HAS GUNS IS COOL AND HAS BEEF WITH A SILLY HYPERACTIVE DUDE.... I JUST THINK YOU WOULD LIKE HIM.....

anyway I am very sorry for yelling I am very tired. Thank you for your service 🫡🫡

I'd pay good money to see a hedgehog (cool; moniker of "Shadow") fire a gun. Money I don't have. Is he the red one?

To your secondary point: no thanks is needed. I'm just doing what any good law enforcement officer would do. Actually, thinking on it, if you include this community service drabble responding to everyone's asinine ramblings, I'd say I'm going above and beyond.

Also. Sleep, if you're so tired. That's an order.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

I bet nailing a woodpecker from 15yds away with a 9mm would feel awesome.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

Have you ever had a dream that that you um you had you'd you would you could you'd do you wi you wants you you could do so you you'd do you could you you want you want him to do you so much you could do anything?

What is wrong with you.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

You all may have noticed that I've been less present on this website. That's because I'm currently involved in a deep cover investigation. Give me a few months to take down this operation from the inside, and I'll be back in full swing doing whatever it is I do on here.

I might be able to sneak in the occasional announcement or reply in the meantime.

- Head Detective Carlton Lassiter

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

It has come to my attention that horses are not as universally beloved as I once thought. I was under the impression that saying you like horses was about as meaningful a statement as saying you like the taste of sugar. I've conferred with my colleagues and will amend my list accordingly.

Horses

What animals DO you like?

Dogs (usually)

Snakes

Lizards

Geckos

Alligators

Crocodiles

Caimans

Snapping Turtles (but not always)

Ants

Skinks

Komodo Dragons

Bearded Dragons

Dragons

Iguanas

Theropod Dinosaurs

Eels

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

What animals DO you like?

Dogs (usually)

Snakes

Lizards

Geckos

Alligators

Crocodiles

Caimans

Snapping Turtles (but not always)

Ants

Skinks

Komodo Dragons

Bearded Dragons

Dragons

Iguanas

Theropod Dinosaurs

Eels

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

i wanna get drunk and snoop through your desk. pls im very nosy and i want to know what secrets you're hiding in there

Public intoxication is a misdemeanor punishable with up to six months jail time. This isn't even mentioning the potential breaking and entering charge. So yes, please, go ahead. I haven't had a good arrest in a while. I'll be waiting.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

The fact that I don't find the description horribly insulting lends credence to it. I guess I'm a Belgian Malinois.

Though, the house trained part was unnecessary. And the ear-scratching part. Everyone loves getting scratched behind the ear.

if lassie was a dog which breed do you think he'd be?

I have never considered that question before in my life but it was... surprisingly easy to come up with an answer: Belgian Malinois!

They're intense herding dogs but are also incredibly loyal and form deep, long-lasting bonds with their owners. They're also very intelligent and athletic and are the most common breed trained to be police dogs!

In fact, Benny, our newest K-9, has been at the SBPD a lot recently and the similarities between her and Carlton are uncanny.

They both love to follow me around everywhere, get scratches behind their ears, and yell at squirrels. They're also both house-trained.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

Learn to read.

hey king I’ve noticed you’ve been getting a lot of asks in your inbox about you being autistic and how they’re sort of distressing you. Do you want me to kill them for you, free of charge

You're offering to commit a felony. On my behalf. In my inbox. Do you people think before you send me things? Listen. If — emphasis on "if" — I have some sort of brain dysfunction, then I've been effectively hiding it from my therapist — the only one here with the authority to recommend the diagnosis — during all that therapy I've been winning. Which essentially means, nothing's wrong with me. Whoop whoop, party's over. Everyone go home.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

Stay far away from my chicken salad.

My mothers have turned Mother's Day dinner into a neighborhood-wide potluck, which is great news for me because Earnest Rothschild three doors down usually makes her extra creamy chicken salad for these types of things.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

My mothers have turned Mother's Day dinner into a neighborhood-wide potluck, which is great news for me because Earnest Rothschild three doors down usually makes her extra creamy chicken salad for these types of things.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

DON'T?! DO THAT?!

So like, is anyone else going to snap Carlton Lassiter in half in a fit of cuteness overload or should I just go ahead? (Said in a tone that suggests I’m not going to be waiting for an answer)

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

are you a dog?

What does this mean. Answer carefully.

[hd-carlton-lassiter-sbpd]

hello sir

with your permission ofc

may I court you?

I bring many things to the table, such as:

I dont like squirrels either

your dead clown story? I find it fascinating and would love to hear more

I can supply u with chloroform to help u continue building tolerance to it

I.. like ur sternum bush very much

dear god ur so attractive pls give me one chance

ahem

sorry I lost composure

but do consider my offer sir

my regards.

Slow your roll, pal. If we're going to court, it's going to be the court of law. Probably when I locate the bugs you must have planted near me.