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The silence I am experiencing now will be remembered and missed someday, when I went to bed, tired, no energy left, due to activities I did with people I love, and love me back.

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Ramble Damble

Today, I had casual convo with Buns. it felt good, we hadn't talk for a while now, and it's a total lie if I said I didn't miss him. I do. and although the convo was diff then the usual, or should i say, the way it used to be, it was still not enough. I miss how we always talk back then... it felt like I had a friend, or at least somebody that I could rely to. I understand fully that I should not rely myself on anybody, but it always felt good when I talked to him.

I don't know whether it's love or loneliness that makes me feel that way, but I always have this urge to be vulnerable with him, to open up myself to him, not just as colleague, but at least as a friend. I also aware that I shouldn't assume, but there is also a feeling that I shouldn't let myself do that, because a rejection that will come to me. 100 percent.

I think at this age, I passed the era where I was insecure about looks, which I am. I think, wholeheartedly that I am worthy and good-looking. I don't feel ugly, but then, lots of circumstances seems to bring those securities down. I sometimes feel like, a lot of people, men in this case, and Buns in particular, are hesitant or like (this is probably me being dramatic) ick-ing to be around me. like, I can tell from their body language, they drew this line that I should not cross.

Although it's hard I keep telling myself, it wasn't my fault, it was some sort of protection from Allah that I should avoid zina. it was not because I am not pretty, it was just a protection from Allah.

I keep telling myself that should I not have rizq in a form of spouse, I will be fine. I will be okay. because I don't want to rush things, I wanted to find like the one that I need, not the one I wanted. but seeing the circumstances that I always been in, which is surrounded by people that I should not fall in love with, I sometimes wonder where will Allah take me.

Should this be love, then Buns will be the second. the first one is quite bad as well, I kept the love to my self, as always, and I bear the heartbreak alone, I cried myself to sleep alone, I passed it alone as well.

I will be fine, as always. the storm will pass, it's just that the effort to be dancing while being inside the storm, is quite challenging.

Yah gitu deh.

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28 December 2023

Today is one of the days where I feel insecure about everything. Should we list them out to get them out of my mind? I probably need to. Oh well, here goes nothing.

Career

This has (or always been) my biggest insecurity. It's usually lead to other insecurities and since I started this blog, up until now, this issue never left. It's like... I almost have bad blood with all companies that I work for. Does this mean something? Does it mean that I'm not fit for corporate jobs?

Around this time, I am 10-months in becoming Office Manager. My supervisor dislike me, the work is too much, I feel like I don't have any work-mates, work-wise I don't have any support. I feel like I am not capable, I doubt my skill despite I know for sure that the mistake I did were considered normal.

I, too, looking for other opportunity. But yeah, job searching was and is, still not easy for me. I applied here and there with no results (I know it's a "yet", but when I wrote this, "no result" is all I have). Not even a reply saying my application *at least* being considered.

2. Other things.

Insecurity no 1 oftentimes, leads to another. The rejection, the irresponsive, the ghosting I experienced, not only from job-searching, but also from personal life, aka friends, adds-up negative assumption I have in my head. It's so hard not to affirm these negative thoughts in my head when things you experienced feels like supporting these thoughts. Recently, one of my friend borrow my money because she said she got scammed. She already returned all the money, but then.. she asks, might I add, casually, whether I have credit cards for her to buy new cellphone. I do have, and it will not screwing up my cash flow but somehow I feel being used. It happened not only with that particular friend, but I feel several friends of mine using me for my money. By the time I wrote this, one thought pops up in my head. it says "Maybe it happened because you allow it to happen." It...might be true... but like, I'm just trying to be nice, you know? to lend a hand to people, let alone my friend, who needs it. But then again, I don't know. sometimes it's just my cynical, realistic head. I should see the good in people, I need to.

I know I should trust Allah for everything, it's just sometimes, which I think, it's normal and human to feel like this. I just need to let it out so it will not consume me.

Until next time.

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21 Dec 2023

it's the day you saw him posted his gf on ig story. You feel strange afterwards and after a careful consideration, you decide that it was not the flame of jealously that creeps into your heart. It was sadness, your old friend. Sadness slowly climbs your head, making you dizzy. You wonder when will you experience that sort of simple yet heartwarming moment. To have somebody that is proud of you, they find you beautiful and they wanted the world to know. .

.

.

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Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

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Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

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This app will always be my sanctuary...

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And it is when you learn to cry out to God before even mentioning your struggles to people, that you feel that peace that surpasses understanding.

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small things can be healing.

a warm, sunny day with a light blue sky / stargazing while laying in the cool grass / the look of natural beauty you only get with blooming flowers / a comfort meal you make for yourself / newly cleaned sheets / socks still warm from the dryer / the smell of your favorite person on your clothes / a cool shower after a hot, busy summer day / the immersion into a story when you start a book you can’t put down / contagious laughter that just keeps getting fueled by itself / the first scene of your favorite movie starting

even little details mean so much. they can mend a person bit by bit.

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“I’ve never met anyone who became instantly mature. It’s a painstaking process that God takes us through, and it includes such things as waiting, failing, losing, and being misunderstood - each calling for extra doses of perseverance.”

— Charles Swindoll

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Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt.

Her (2013) Dir. Spike Jonze

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While cleaning out my room I found a paper that my therapist gave me some time ago to deal with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Sorry the paper is a little crinkled and stained, but I figured I’d post it in hopes that it will help someone like it helped me.

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“My best friend is gone. My only friend. It was silly of me to rely so much on one person.” 

Love, Rosie (2014) dir. Christian Ditter

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It would be nice if I can be vulnerable with you

even though I know it’s impossible. :)

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Emma Watson at the ‘Noah’ press conference in Beverly Hills (2014)