headspacejournal

[headspacejournal]

Why Do I Crave Crashing?

My “homework” is to figure out what it is about self destruction and burning out that I crave so much.  I think that’s why I’m writing again.  I’m shooting down each idea as it arises in my head, but for the purpose of a good homework assignment I’ll explore each one.  This is likely to be an exercise ripe with sarcasm and self hate.  My favourite things.  

Crashing and burning means I get a break.   And I need a break, because I like to commit myself to enough things that every hour of every day is filled.  It’s not sustainable.  And you can’t blame me (more to the point I can’t blame me) if I don’t do something for a few days because I’ve totally destroyed myself in some way, shape or form.  Vacation without the guilt, anyone?

I’m a total attention seeker.  This one scares me, and I hope its not true. I’ve never much enjoyed attention at all and I’d rather people didn’t see me when I was in a total breakdown state, so I feel like this theory doesn’t stand up too well.  Though, I do get very attached to my counsellors/doctors/nurses – maybe I just want to be cared about?  That one sounds needy and pathetic and makes me very uncomfortable. And doesn’t make any sense because I have wonderful friends and family who care about me a great deal.  Ahhh, the discomfort is strong here.  

I’m terrified of failure.  Outstandingly true.  I have absolutely nailed it on the head here.  I’m just not sure if this is a reason to destroy myself quite so dramatically.  However, my thinking here is that if I fail something - that is totally unacceptable. Oh, the shame.  But if I fail something because I was destroyed by some awful mental illness then that takes the heat off a little.  Though only about two percent.  This one is starting to sound less true, we all know I’d blame myself either way.   

Averageness also scares me.  Maybe there’s something about being told your entire childhood that you’re spectacular and wonderful and remarkable and talented, and then growing up to realise that you are painfully average, that makes average very much not OK.  Anyone can get a scholarship, sure, but I got one while starving myself and abusing medication.  So there.  Not your average.  Look at me go.  

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

Because I have an appointment with the eating disorder clinician tomorrow, and I am scared, and I am trying not to be.

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]

[headspacejournal]