healingandfindingsolace

[healingandfindingsolace]

I’m getting over this person! I will find love again and it be beautiful and everything he couldn’t give me and more :) goodbye to this account

[healingandfindingsolace]

I don’t want him anymore :( :) I can’t picture a future with him anymore :( :D life is better without him!

[healingandfindingsolace]

maybe I deserved better but I wanted you.

[healingandfindingsolace]

It feels weird not wanting you anymore when it's what I've been doing for what feels like my whole life.

[healingandfindingsolace]

[healingandfindingsolace]

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.”

— Tupac Shakur

[healingandfindingsolace]

I think that we’re conditioned to believe that romance is the end to all means. That our worries will be absolved when we find someone who completes us and makes us whole. That we should strive and yearn to be in a relationship, above all. And now. Now as I’m going through my first real heartbreak, and struggling a bit after seeing him with a girl a month after, I’ve come to a few realizations.

Healing isn’t linear at all. In the first month, after the first few weeks, I thought it was over him. I thought that after the hell that was the past weeks, that the peace I felt meant that I was healed. Then a few weeks after, I saw him on campus once, looking into a girls eyes, and felt slightly better than I had previously. The next week, I grew sick. I had to miss school. During that, I missed him so much. I yearned like it was a competition, even though I knew that he, in his cold demeanor, was probably pushing away emotions towards me. I thought we could work past things, if we were to meet soon.

And then I realized that the love he gave me wasn’t special at all. I was the one who made it special. And I wondered if what I wanted was him, or the opportunity to stay in place and not grow, where I was comfortable. I started realizing that he was nothing but an immature, stuck in place boy who didn’t know who he was. And don’t get me wrong, I’m no princess Diana. But at least I had the ability to recognize and change and grow from my faults, and not blame it on others.

I felt better for a week. Then, his birthday came. I remembered how the year before, I took him to a mall and bought him 200 dollars worth of clothes. I remembered how earlier this year, he said he wanted to spend his birthday only with me. I remembered how his new girl, was probably making him laugh. I was sick. I couldn’t get him out of my head. I felt like a man deprived, and my only salvation could be videos of us when we were together. I thought that he was the one for me. I mistook the connection we had for understanding, when it wasn’t. He didn’t understand me. He wasn’t curious about me.

I haven’t been attracted to anyone yet. I thought there was something wrong with me. How could I not be attracted to anyone when he’s already with another? Am I broken? Did he ruin me?

But he didn’t. It is such a privilege to be able to feel and to be able to love to the extend that I loved him. And yes, it’s taking me longer. Because I’m sitting with my emotions, and I’m feeling them. And each setback, is a comeback with better skills to get over it.

I used to view, with him, love as the answer. Romantic love as the answer to all my woes. That if I had him, I could withstand anything. But the thing is, that’s not true at all. I don’t need this stunted, mean man. Who uses his hurt as an excuse not to grow. I thought that for my life to be complete, I needed to have close friends, a loving partner, and to be beautiful physically.

But I don’t need that. What I need, is myself. To love myself through everything and to keep going no matter what. I don’t yearn for him like I used to. I look down on him and how sad his life is. But.

I know one day, when more time passes, that this disgust will turn into forgiveness. Not for him, but for myself. And then, it’ll be close to indifference. And I will be free. But for now, I’m happy where I am. I have all A’s, my skincare’s to a T, and I’ve found I don’t need someone to complete me, and I’ve found I’ve been whole this whole time. He fumbled, but whether he realizes it or not, that doesn’t determine my worth. I got this

[healingandfindingsolace]

I feel better

[healingandfindingsolace]

There is some grief here. Listening to the jazz, makes me remember how much of a lover girl I was. There’s some grief in the realization and the gradual acceptance that he won’t ever get to know all of me. That the various things that I dreamed about doing with him and experiencing with him will never be reality and that he’s now expecting that with another woman. That he will never get to know all sides of me and love every part that makes me whole. That I won’t go around the Americana with him hand and hand ever again. That I have grief he will never hear of and friends he will never know and emotions he will never feel. I loved him. I really did. Listening to that music walking around with people I barely know, makes me remember that once I had a favorite person that I wanted to share everything with. I had a favorite person who just seeing them and talking to them brightened my day. And I am sat with my grief and I live in it and I hope one day the heavy aching feeling is able to say to itself, “that is who you were. That is what you experienced. Embrace the joy that you will never be her again, and instead be your own favorite person. Your time will come again.” I hear it faintly in the back of my mind and I know that one day I will be okay and the grief that sits ever present will be nothing more than a pebble. And though I might feel emotions when I think about him with others, I’m thinking about the past him and not the current him. My boy and not this foreign weird one. The current him I don’t care about. The current him isn’t the old him so I must remember that! He is not yours and he isn’t the person who was yours! Accept that and I will find more peace than I’ve learned to accept. I got this.

[healingandfindingsolace]

Hope is an ugly and festering feeling

that lays dormant inside my chest

until I think of how your warm palm felt against mine.

I both yearn and abhor for a future that I don’t believe is possible.

Is this my curse?

Are you my salvation or my prosecutor?

Once this hope is long wrung out like a damp sock,

I wonder if the next time our eyes meet you’ll see my apathy

and be crushed underneath the eyes you once waxed poetic about.

Maybe then you’ll realize that my beautiful heart was yours to keep

until you denied a love that burned solely for you;

I wish you well.

-a. v.

[healingandfindingsolace]

It’s hard.

The nostalgia that I nearly escape grips me when I see our past in a box.

I’m getting over you. Though sometimes,

I still wish it was you.

You, who I spend my Thursdays lunch with.

You, who I ramble to about my day.

You, who I kiss good morning to.

You, who I spend my Saturdays with.

You haven’t ruined me, MB.

You haven’t completely rewrote my definition of love.

But you’ve made it hard for me to forget you.

To pretend like there wasn’t an era of my life where I clung to you so desperately.

You haven’t ruined me, MB.

You haven’t made me feel like you’re my soulmate.

But,

I always think of you when I see ginger cat.

But,

there are times I catch myself scanning around me for a glimpse of your arched eyebrows.

You haven’t ruined me at all.

It’s the truth when I say that without you, I’m more myself than I’ve ever been.

I’m more driven and more motivated.

I yearn for a life that I will make for myself, that doesn’t include you.

But.

But.

For a year and some you were the focal point of my life.

I lived for the next moment I would hold your soft face between my palms and smile down at you.

I truly did want to be your wife, the girl who you’d be devoted to forever.

Yes,

it does ache when I see your past letters

because I know that your cold and firm disposition doesn’t have you thinking about me,

the way I think about you.

Maybe the woman you’re with now has changed you for the better.

Maybe she makes you kinder,

maybe she makes you yearn to be a better person,

maybe she makes you smile brightly at your phone occasionally.

All I know is, I was that for you once.

Is it enough for me?

I don’t know.

I truly don’t know, yet.

MB.

You’ve made me cry so many times.

Both with you,

And without you.

You are not the epitome of gentle unconditional love.

But how I wished you could’ve been.

Oh,

how deeply I wished.

-a. v.

[healingandfindingsolace]

I yearn for you.

I yearn like it’s the only emotion that I’ve ever felt,

and will ever feel.

It’s an ache inside my chest,

a string that pulls me to you,

and I find that as time goes on it lessens and lessens.

It resurges at times,

when I’m brought back to your bright eyes and loud laugh.

I’m both afraid and hopeful,

thinking towards a time where this yearning in my chest is reduced to nothing

but a bittersweet taste on my tongue.

You don’t deserve my yearning!

You don’t deserve my love!

And yet.

And yet,

I give it to you freely.

I give it to you,

just like I peeled off my supple flesh

and cut up my bursting heart into a palatable plate

that was yours to take and consume.

I miss you.

No, I miss who you were.

I know as time goes I won’t feel this plethora of emotions

that threaten to consume me at any given time.

This yearning will calm down into a subtle beat when our eyes meet,

and then into a heart of indifference towards you,

where there was once so much love!

Where did I put it?

Where did it go?

I hope into myself.

I know into myself.

Goodbye, and I wish that this hope that calls for you to remember who I was to you can go away,

so that I can feel as indifferent as you appear to be.

Let me match you, this one last time.

-a. v.

[healingandfindingsolace]

I yearn like it’s a competitive sport. I’m ill

[healingandfindingsolace]

This is just for me! I’m not trying to make anything sound good I’m just pouring out my feelings so don’t mind if u stumble upon this