healthimind-blog

[healthimind-blog]

MISTAKES

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. 

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You are doing things you have never done before, and more importantly, you are doing something. so that is my wish for you. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody has ever made before. Do not freeze, do not stop, do not worry that it is not good enough, or it is not perfect enough. Art, or love, or family or work or life. Whatever it is you are scared of doing - do it. Make your mistakes. Next year and forever and ever. 

- Neil Gaiman

[healthimind-blog]

There is beauty in a woman whose confidence comes from experience; a woman who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on.

[healthimind-blog]

Rules for writing

by a psychologist, of course. 

Set a timer for 20 minutes. Open up your notebook (or begin a document on your computer, although I suggest pen and paper; there is something unique and additionally therapeutic about a fresh sheet of paper and a pen). When the timer starts, begin writing your emotional experiences from the past week, month and year. Don’t worry about punctuation, sloppiness or coherence. Simply go wherever your mind takes you, curiously and without judgement. Write just for yourself, and not for some eventual reader. Do this for a few days. Then, close the document without saving it, or throw the paper away. Or stick it in a bottle and throw it out to sea. Or, if you’re ready - save it and find a litrary agent. 

It doesn’t matter what you do with it. The point is that those thoughts are now out of your mind and on the page. You have begun the process of “stepping out” from your experience to gain perspective on it.  

[healthimind-blog]

For Mi Amor - A bad habit i'm going to break: - A new skill i'd like to learn: - A person I hope to be more like: - A good deed i'm going to do: - A place i'd like to visit: - A book id like to read: - A letter I'm going to write: - A new food i'm going to try: - I'm going to be better at:

[healthimind-blog]

I’ve read and seen so many things that are aligned with how I’m feeling at the moment. All these posts depict what it means to let go, open up, be vulnerable and let yourself feel. Be OK with the good emotions and with the bad. Be open to fully love somebody and give your love to others. 

And that’s where I get stuck; that is what I want to explore and overcome. 

I want to wake up tomorrow without this fear to love. Where does this even come from? It’s my thinking that if I have reservations, if i don’t love you wholeheartedly, then I know that I have a piece of me that will be OK should something happen. I know I have that first, little brick to lay down as I pave my way away from you and into a different direction. It gives me a sense of comfort but it also makes me think whether that is the way to live life and love? I assume not. I assume you want to give your all and experience the full force of whatever it is that you have. 

I want that. I want that all-consuming love. And I think I have it. I think I was close to giving in and then I got scared and pulled back a little because I don't know. Can you really put your heart out there for someone? But then, is that not the point of being with someone. I mean, it’s not like you give your heart to every stranger you meet - or every person on the street. You give your heart to the person who ignites something special in your soul and you feel the need/desire to give yourself to them. That’s how I feel. But that scares me. But, will this fear rule my life? No. No, it wont. I will find words and different ways to express my love, appreciation, support and how much that person means to me. Will it not, at the end of the day, bring me that much more joy, happiness and love to see someone else covered in my love? I think it will. I think this is something I need to focus on. And not think about what will happen if it all turns sour. If that happens, I will be OK. I have picked myself up before; I have family and friends who I know will be there. But most importantly, I have to trust and believe in myself. Believe that I will be there to pick up myself and go day by day, one foot in front of the other. And I know I can do this. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. But I will not let this fear override my days and relationship/friendships. 

I don’t actually know what the first step in this process is. But I might start small. Saying something that will show the other person I really love them. That’s it - i’ll put a list together of what I love about them. Good start. 

[healthimind-blog]

[healthimind-blog]

You can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in. 

[healthimind-blog]

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all”.  - Yogi Bhajan

[healthimind-blog]

A good place to start [stopping worrying and overthinking] is to consciously observe your negative self-talk. When you catch yourself worrying and overthinking, be aware of what you are telling yourself in those moments. Replace unconscious thoughts with conscious statements.  Over time, the new self-talk will start to change the subconscious mental programs that run your life.

Ruben Chavez - Think Grow Prosper

[healthimind-blog]

It really is the case that “when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Just found this photo as I was looking for a new theme for this tumblr. 

I will let myself feel. all the feelings and emotions. 

[healthimind-blog]

I am in a strange place at the moment; by moment I mean the past few weeks, but I have a feeling this has been months in the making. and by strange I mean, I feel like I've been on the road of emotional development and growth. I also feel like I’m on the brink of making it to the other side of this journey where I’ll feel more complete and in control - but I can also say that I'm not quite there yet. I can feel it in my heart. But I'm close...very, very close. 

So, how did this come about - why have I not written about it before and what is making me talk about it and focus and address it now? I guess I’m picking up on things about myself that are indicators of a type of emotional immaturity. I feel like most of the time my emotional intelligence is spot on and I am emotionally mature. On the other hand - there are parts of me, that I'm noticing are portraying the exact opposite. And I want to grow; I want to develop and be more in control of my emotions, feelings, thoughts, the decisions and choices I make and how I'm living my life. 

I want to have more deep, meaningful friendships and relationships; and that has to start with me. It has to start with my ability to read myself, my emotions, be able to express how I feel, what I’m thinking and be OK with it all. At the moment, I am still in a place where I feel like “this isn’t OK”, “that isn’t OK”, “I shouldn’t be feeling like this” and “I shouldn’t be feeling like that”. The so-called “tyranny of the shoulds” really does occupy my life, and I know that if I want something to change - I need to be the one who initiates and carries out that change. 

I’ve realised that I don’t deal particularly well with emotions - I don’t know how to just feel them and let them be there, be a part of my day, week, month. Whatever the timeframe might be - it doesn’t matter. If the emotions are negative (and by negative I am forms of sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, etc. etc.) I have a tendency to shut them off and move on with my life. Thinking about it in different terms - this is quite a good survival skill to have. There’s no benefit in being overly sad, bathing in it and not getting up in the morning for days on end. But the older I get, I am beginning to think that by devoiding yourself of these feelings and experiences I am essentially closing myself off to a range of emotions that would help me grow. So, I have a goal in mind. I want to overcome this. I want to be able to face my past experiences. I want to be able to go back and tease out how I was feeling and work through that. I know this could be a long process, but I need to find a way to break it down. I want to be able to tell the person I love that I love them wholeheartedly. I want to express my love for him in a way that will make him feel even more loved. I want to be able to open up, without reservations, be vulnerable and...take a leap. See what it feels like to give 100% of yourself to someone. 

So, I'm not sure where to start...but, I have to start somewhere. 

[healthimind-blog]

God, I feel like the only time I ever write in my life is when the shit hits the fan. In part, I believe its because I use writing as a way to express how I’m feeling, it helps me to put all my negative emotions into something and vent without having to necessarily feel bad that I have just word vomited all my feelings and thoughts onto someone. Writing has always been my way of dealing and coping with the things going on around me. Whether that’s related to family, friends, a breakup, my personal struggles - I can’t say I have a great way with words...but that’s not what my writing is about, nor is that why I write. It’s generally quite simple and straight to the point. 

Its about freeing space in my head and knowing that I’ve put all that’s inside in a safe place on a page, or screen. 

But i’ve also realised that i’d like to write about the good things and the positive. I would like to remember the things I did, and more than that I want to remember what I thought in those particular moments, how I felt. I don’t think i do enough of that. As a matter of fact, I know I don’t do enough of that because if I was to scroll through any of the numerous posts I have made throughout my presence here - they would undoubtedly all be about negative emotions. 

But, like I said before - I vent when i write. i write everything I cannot say to anyone. Not because I’m afraid of any judgement that might be passed my way. No. I believe its primarily because I don’t want to pass on MY negativity onto other people. It’s my, personal, negativity and they have nothing to do with it. Nor are they the responsible ones to listen to me vent every so often. And that’s why I love writing. It’s not about seeking advice about a particular problem - what I reach that point, im more than happy to talk to people and brainstorm the possible solutions. But that’s not where I am at the moment. 

I’ve felt this distance from family. From mum and dad. I feel like no matter what they do I get frustrated and irritated. I think a large part of the way I feel about them comes form the shit that they have going on between them. I’m seeing the neverending loop that they’ve created for themselves where they are unhappy, they argue, its a matter of a millisecond when a conversation can go from being perfectly normal (normal is a relative term in my family), but lets say being calm to being a volcanic eruption.  Seriously, I often wonder how I never learned to adapt to this over the years? How have I not found a better way of dealing with their shit? How am I still so affected by their arguments, mood swings, mine-fucking-fields? 

And yet everytime I write about things like this, I don’t seem to be any closer to figuring it out. Maybe i’m doing something wrong? Maybe I need to change the way I write and the way I explore this head and heart of mine. 

I know one thing - I bite my nails out of frustration. I’ve realised that much. and it also only stems from them. I don’t want to blame them for my habit that I can break, but relapse every time things get too overwheling. There is nothing about biting my nails that is soothing of calming; if anything, its even more frustraing because half way through doing the behaviour I realise that I’m doing it and that half of my nail of eaten off and well that just perpetuates the cycle of frustration. 

And I feel like in this writing I have covered five different topics, neither one particularly related or relevant to the other - but that’s OK. At least i’m getting things off my chest - and I will, hopefully, be able to leave it all here, go to bed and start tomorrow fresh. 

I don’t want to let these feeligns govern my days and cloud how i’m feeling. And the thing is - that is exactly what they’re doing. And it’s in part becasue when I come home from work - I am in exactly the same environment as I was when I left - nothing has changed. And its not that nothing has changed from yesterday to today - its that nothing has changed for years. I’m also struggling to grasp how people live like that. I often think about this and I only ever hope to have the courage and strength to leave and get out of any situation that is making me this misrable. And it is, it’s making them both incredibly misrable. Neither one is happy with the current situation. Neither one wants to be in this relationship and yet neither one of them is doing anything about it. And i’m not advocating for divorce, separation or anything drastic like that - but doing something, anything - trying to make things better. Nope. I don’t know how they expect to see a difference in their relationsihp when NOTHING is changin. NOTHING. NOT. ONE. THING. and I know this because I’ve been the witness of their relationship for the past...27 years. Ok maybe give it the last 15 that I can say counts and I can (not fondly) remember. 

I think i’m also tired of going around in circles. Having the same discussions, talks, plans. Yes, lets discuss the trees you want to plant in the garden (the 5 lemons, 3 lime, 4 mandarin trees, 2-3 figs, peaches etc). Oh but no, lets not do anything about this for months - just talk about it. and confirm after every conversation that those are the plants you want to get. Lets confirm, for the 100th time the place where you would like to plant those trees. And then lets not do anything about them. They are YOUR plants. It is YOUR project. Am I the only one here that thinks its OK to have your own projects that the whole family doesn’t need to be a part of? Like, its OK that you want to plant those trees - go and do your research, buy them, plant them, water them...do what ever you want with them, but just DO SOMETHING. 

Same thing with buying a phone. For the love of God, I cannot have another discussion about that. Its like he doesn’t want to buy a phone...and he prides himself if having the money to buy the phone but not doing it. And I dont get it. WHAT AM I MISSING??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And how do I know he doesn’t want to buy a phone? because everything he does suggests so. He says he wants to buy a phone - asks me to do the research behind it and then, changes the battery to a new one becuase his one is like every other iphone battery - crap. The lock button stops working as does the headphone jack and what does he do? he spends $100 to fix it all. Now its not about the money and spending $130 to fix the little bits to make the phone (which he has memory and internet issues with) last longer. I dont get it. It’s not like he bought a brand new phone a month ago and now iphon 8 has come out and he wants it. No, he has the iphone 4s....and its giving in, one piece of hardware at a time. So, then there we are again - talking about him getting the new phone, but then not really beacuse he’s just spent $100 fixing this one and he doesn’t want to be one of the first ones to have the new phone...because, god knows why. Don’t worry - you wont be. There are about 342974023 other people in the world who have pre-ordered them. But then I think i’m being an absolute asshole who instead of appreaciating this quality and seeing it in a positive way - is putting a negative spin on it and looking at it through the negative lense. Why? Is it because I feel like my time is wasted having talked about the same thing, AGAIN, or is it because I’m sick of my parents not being able to make a decision and stick to it. You’re buying a phone - just make up your mind and do it. The world is not going to fall if you make and execute a decision. Trust me. I feel bored and frustrated having to have these same disussions. The same goes for renovating the kitched...painting the interior of the house - i cannot count the number of times we’ve talked about doing this - at least 20...and yet - absolutely nothing is being done. NOTHING. We havent even moved a milimeter. No dad, bringing home a prospectus of some company X that will charge an arm and a leg and then asking me to go onto their website to have a look at everything - no, thant is not making progress. That is you superficially finding something and then delegating and passing on the task to me. To do all the time-wasting research which wont result in anything other than - it’s too expensive. Should we invest in this kitchen - are we even going to stay here? Are we selling the house? What are we doing with our lives? Aaagh. and we are back to square one. But no, you can do that research too. You are more than competent to research your news paper online - you can google this. Ooooh but no, the language is a barrier, not knowing how to use the app, the phone, the ipad. You know what, that’s another thing that gets on my nerves. This constant need to be shown how to do thigs on the iphone, ipad. CMON people! These devices were designed for idiots! Kids under the age of 5 use them!!! KIDS. Yeah, the little people that cant count to 20. They use them with ease. So why cant you? And the most common response I get is, well just think about all the things we had to teach you and ha ha ha oh look how its all coming back. Yeah, the only difference is that when you were teaching me you had the expectation that I would LEARN and we wouldn’t be going over the same things over and over and over again - 5 years down the line. The only difference is that I learned. I had to. and you, for some reason, dont feel like you have to. And that “some reason” being your dependency on me always being here. Here to fix the phone, here to fix the ipad, here to call vodafone, here to call tower...enough. ENOUGH PLEASE. You’ve used your immigration status as an excuse to not learn anything new, to boycot technology - which is the driving force of the time we live in. Do I love it - no. Do I need it - yes. and that’s where the story end. I need it and therefore I will learn what I need to. You talk about being sick that you have to depend on me, or someone to help you with things. Do you know how you overcome that? BY LEARNING. By WANTING TO KNOW. By being interested. You have to WANT TO be independent, self-reliant in order to be it. and don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I am never there to help and i just tell you to google things that you dont know. Absolutely not, but for the love of God, show some initiative. Show me that you’ve tried - that you’ve gone - hey, i’ve done this this and this and its still not working. What am I doing wrong - and then we’ll look at it together. but dont just come to me after hte first hiccup with your hands up in the air holding a white flag. 

Oh and while I am on the topic of doing something after the first hiccup - what is your deal with coming and waking me up in the morning to tell me ridiculously UNIMPORTANT things? No dont wake me up. Respect that i’m sleeping and if what you have to tell me isn’t a matter of life or death - please, realise that it can wait an hour or two while I wake up and then we can talk about it. I dont want to be jumped before having even opened my eyes, with something that is so minor and irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things. How do I put all this nicely? How do I say this in a way that is encompased in love, care, compassion, and understanding? 

I am sick of being told I am harsh and judgemental and unreasonable. I’m that way becuase I can’t handle all the things that are constantly thrown at me. I am sick of seeing what the problem is and knowing that nothing will ever be done about it. How do you not understand that that’s extremly difficult to deal with and handle? How is that such a foreign concept to you? Anyway - I know that I need to be more compassionate and kind - but I struggle to find those feelings and reserves of understanding for you. And that, in general, makes me incredibly sad. To think that I have the capacity to be that for everyone else, but you. Even though I know that those people are the same as you. They are probably running around in their own circles and neverending loops. 

So, lets start here - I WILL BE A BIGGER PERSON, FOR MYSELF. I WILL NOT LET OTHERS DARKEN MY ENERGY AND FREQUNCY. I WILL NOT RESOND BLINDLY TO THE PROVOCATIONS OF OTHERS. THESE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AROUND ME. WHAT I WILL DO IS TAKE A COUPLE OF SECONDS TO GROUND MYSELF IN ANY SITUATION. I WILL TAKE DEEP BREATHS AND I WILL THINK BEFORE RESPONDING. I WILL REMEMBER THAT THEIR ENERGY ISN’T MINE AND I DON’T, BY ANY MEANS, NEED TO EMBRACE AND BECOME IT. NO. I HAVE MY OWN ENERGY, I HAVE MY OWN BUBBLE AND I WILL CHOSE WHAT COMES THRUGH. IF I’M IN A SHITTY MOOD - THATS DIFFERENT. IN THAT CASE, I WILL NOT PROJECT IT ONTO THER PEOPLE - BUT I WILL BE ABLE TO SEPRARETE THE TWO AND KNOW THAT I AM THE ONE THAT IS IN THE BAD MOOD - AND THE OTHER PERSON ISN’T RESPONSBILE FOR IT, NOR ARE THEY THE DESIGNATED TARGET OF IT. SO, I WILL STEP BACK - I WILL CONSCIOUSLY BE PRESENT AND AWARE THAT i NEED TO SEPARATE MY MOOD AND APPROACH THEM IN A NEUTRAL WAY. 

WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY - THIS IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT. I NEED TO PRACTICE KINDNESS, APPRECIATION, COMPASSION, AND LOVE. FOR WHAT AND WHO THEY ARE. FOR WHAT THEY DO. I KNOW I FORGET THIS - AND SO I BELIEVE ITS IMPORTANT THAT I REMIND THEM AS WELL AS MYSELF. I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO DO THIS. I KNOW I AM NOT THE BEST WITH WORDS - IN TERMS OF SPEAKING - BUT WRITING, WRITING I CAN DO. SO I WILL NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT. I ALSO NEED TO REMEMBER THAT EVERYTHING THEY DO - THEY DO OUT OF LOVE. SO WHEN THEY SAY WE DONT SEE YOU  - ITS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER. I WILL FIND TIME TO BE TOGETHER AND MAKE IT COUNT. I WILL NOT BE AN ASSHOLE I NAMCOR TO THEM BECUSE THEY DONT DESERVE IT. I NEED TO KEEP DEVELOPING IN THIS EMOTINOAL INTELLIGENCE SPACE AND WHILE THEY MAY NOT HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE - I DO. AND THAT IS SOMETHING I CAN USE TO BOTH MINE AND THEIR ADVANTAGE. I CAN STEP UP MY GAME AND NOT LET THINGS GET OUT OF HAND. THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN DO AND IF IT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE I WILL DO IT. 

[healthimind-blog]

Today was a difficult day.  To be honest, these past few days, to a week, have been somewhat of a struggle.  I’m feeling sad, lost, like I'm not myself. I feel like I'm stumbling on little rocks, that I would normally kick and not bat an eyelash. And yet, these past couple of days I’ve been feeling like these tiny pebbles are boulders that keep chipping away at me and no matter what way I try to overcome them, I can’t get around them.  But. at the end of the day. they are just pebbles. and I need to remember that. 

I’ve overcome much bigger mountains. I need to remember that.  So where does this difficulty comes from? The more I think about it, the more I can just describe it as a wave. Most of the time, the sea is calm and the water is like ice. And then, out of the blue - the waves begin. They get bigger and bigger. Stronger and stronger. and before I can wrap my mind around what’s going on, I’m left feeling a little overwhelmed. 

Over the past few days/week it has mostly been around my relationship. This one. The previous one. I feel like flashbacks from it come into my day and take over, in a way. I’m left feeling sad, upset and like I’ve lost the ground beneath my feet. I have moved on. I don’t feel like that’s the part I'm struggling with. It’s more coming to terms with the fact that a three, a nearly four-year relationship ended. It ended. and the person that I am with now is nothing like the previous one. The relationship is completely different; and yet I catch myself bringing my baggage from the old into the new. I feel like when I did the clean-up, I forgot to throw those bags out. Clean up? Did I even do a clean-up? I think that’s a good question considering I got into the new relationship in a matter of months. But that’s life. and that’s another thing I’m not dwelling over. I’m OK with the time frames. I don’t have a problem with them. I have a problem with the fact that I'm  realizing that I DO have baggage from my previous relationship. 

It's emotional baggage. and it's heavy. and I don't know how to get rid of it? How do you get rid of three, nearly four years of emotional everything; baggage, turmoil, ups and downs, victories, defeats? 

I mostly feel negatively atm. The relationship was beautiful and it had a lot of beautiful memories that I will cherish forever. But they are not the source of my current confusion and struggle. The negative things are. Realising that somewhere along the way, I lost my self-confidence and self-esteem. I’m still trying to figure whether self-esteem got lost too, or whether it's just the confidence. And it has nothing to do with my physical appearance. No. It has everything to do with my emotional confidence. My certainty that what I'm doing, saying, how I'm behaving is actually in line with who I am. I feel like so much of who I am has chipped away little by little as the result of numerous comments over the months, maybe even years. 

And now I’m realising that that’s making me quite unhappy. I see it, for example, when I want to say something - or do something; rather than going ahead and doing it - I catch myself thinking “no, that makes you seem like this” or “thank you for your opinion that I didn’t ask for” or “you’re not listening to me and you are not hearing what I'm saying” or “you are missing the point” or you are this or you are that....I feel like I can't give my opinions/thoughts/ideas because I feel like they come off as intrusive, as critiques; I feel like I've lost the ability to communicate in a way I used to. I feel like everything that's said to me I have to defend and justify. And deep down, I know that this is not what this person would say. But I still hold back. I’m trying not to hold back. I’m trying to be me. I’m trying to be as genuine as possible. but somewhere along the way - I bite my tongue and I pull myself back. 

I’m yet to figure out why. I mean, whats the worst that could happen even if I am that way? 

The trouble is, I’m not. My goal is not to criticize, my goal is not to make the other person feel unloved. But I am afraid that that's how things I say are interpreted. But is it fair to put that kind of assumption onto the new relationship? Because, if you look at it objectively, it is nothing more than me assuming what the other person thinks, feels perceives. 

I think I just need to talk it would with him. Share my fears and worries and hope that he will understand where I’m coming from. Or if not understand then at least be willing to want to understand. 

At the end of it all, I need to remind myself that this is all a journey. It's about putting one foot in front of the other; letting myself feel; accepting that things are as they are but I have the ability to change them. Like they say “give me strength  to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can,

[healthimind-blog]

The first post that changes everything

I’ve decided to start from scratch. From the beginning. With a new, clean tumblr account. 

I’ve had a look through my other, so-called “secondary” account and I don’t have the desire (yet) to read through my random ramblings from 2011 (it seems). I didn’t realise I had this account for that long. Anyway, this post is most probably going to get deleted as soon as I get to a desk and get my mouse and can actually navigate these pages. 

But for now, it will do. 

I want this writing to have meaning, to have structure (more or less) and to be consistent. I feel like I need to put so many things into words - and this seems to be the medium for it.