healthpsypsy

[healthpsypsy]

I promised myself this semester would be a breeze. I envisioned solitary walks to the library, long study sessions, and a stronger sense of self. I’m less than two months in and I feel lost once again. My anxiety is out of control, my concentration is low...and it’s all because of you. You. YOU. I noticed you the first day of our class together, and goddamnit I swore you saw me too. I watched you walk through your territory, followed your every move, analyzed your every step. What was attracting me to you? As the weeks went on, I became to realize that it was beyond your jokes and even your intelligence, it was your smile. And just the way that you carry yourself and just you. I can’t wrap my head around my teenage crush. But I can’t stop thinking of you. I’m jealous as you speak of your fiance’ HAH, like she’s someone you love...while knowing that I can’t lose what I have...while thinking of you...and trying to hope you don’t feel the same...hoping you do...but not so much that everything falls to shit. I’ve lost hours of my time, hours of sleep, hours of productive fucking existence mapping up whatever I can in my head. I shut you out with little petty insults I’ve told myself, and as soon as I see you I lose it once again. Are you watching me? Do you want me? I don’t know what could make it worse. I don’t want you out of my head. I don’t give a shit about my classes, I simply experience the weekend in hopes of seeing you the next week. I don’t give a shit about my mornings, because you’re the start of my afternoons. I lose five days each week anticipating two short moments painfully gawking at you and turning away when you see me staring for too long. I don’t turn when the other professors see me watching, I’m not guilty then. I’m guilty as sin around you. 

[healthpsypsy]

Things that upset me: 1. You can't have an abortion and be Christian. I feel upset as my mom basically insinuated that I should have an abortion when I was seventeen. Not a single person would consider her to be non-Christian. She feels that abortion should be legal due to the woman attempting to give themselves abortion before it was legalized. I'm not sure where I stand. I do regret what I did, and I've found myself alienated from religion. 2. I lied about BL raping me because I had actually been raped by a dude that a friend introduced me to when I was eighteen, and pushing BL away was the only thing I could think of, and it was easy for me to accept the feelings of being raped even if it was done by an entirely different person. While I told BL the truth, I want to be honest about what really happened to me without being told I'm a liar. I no longer have flashbacks or nightmares, but I feel I need to be honest to move past the traumatic experience. 3. I regret not going to college to become a nurse. I bump heads with all medical professionals because I feel pathetic. I secretly still question if I could be a good teacher, but feel that I can't teach because of the issues that occured during the BL scandal. I also still wish I could get my head straight and become a therapist. I feel that my major lie has prevented me from trusting myself in literally any useful profession. 4. I have no use for close friendships. I have no problem with small talk, but I feel that I'm a "lost cause" and most people wouldn't appreciate me once they got to know me more.

[healthpsypsy]

At my leisure and advice of my new therapist, I’m going to continue what I started-by writing down a few of my thoughts and feelings throughout the day.

Currently, I’m okay. Today went well. Last week I sent a box to my partner’s sister full of baby clothes, and I guess she still hasnt gotten it yet. Every day, he has told me that she has told him that she hasn’t gotten it yet. I lost the receipt, so I can’t track it. He’s blaming my handwriting, which I don’t feel is bad at all. I feel bummed, I feel kinda shitty. Like I’m getting the blame over something I shouldn’t be blamed for yet here it is...again. 

[healthpsypsy]

Things I could do: Someday, obtain my masters and teach at an undergraduate level at a local community college. Growing up, I always wanted to pursue a degree in education, and with my psychology education I could provide a holistic experience in Abnormal Psychology Use my possible misdiagnosis/experience with ASD to teach those affected with the skills needed to tackle scary situations. I could be a life couch for those that have been misunderstood and over diagnosed Write a book. Literally, sit down and write a humorous, dark, yet inspiring memoir of everything I have experienced and how I have overcame it. I'm certain it will touch quite a few lives.

[healthpsypsy]

The most difficult aspect on my end is when others question my alchohol addiction after the loss of my daughter. Some use words, other use implicit gestures, but either way, I seem to get the reaction of “If you didn’t abuse alchohol while you were pregnant, why did you lose her, and why did you drink so excessively after you had her?” I usually state the time frame, I had my 21st birthday and plenty more trauma’s coming up, a job, a life, and not a single person could tell me no. No, I wasn’t thinking rationally, no, I wouldn’t do it again, but it allowed me to live for the time being. I later go home and mentally beat myself up over it. I understand it probably looks suspusious to others, but I really shouldn’t let it affect me as it does. I need to start using more facts in my arugments, what may have caused not only me, but others like me to use and abuse not just alchohol...but drugs? What do you do when the medical system fails you, and your family wasn’t there until afterwards, and you just want to surround yourself in work because you feel so hopeless? How can society prevent this? 

[healthpsypsy]

How many hours of sleep: 

How much coffee have I had this morning?

What have I done since my last post?

Have I eaten? Was it for nourishment or was it to fill the time?

What am I thinking about? Have I been rumitating? Where are these thoughts leading me? Could I be misinterpreting things

Am I currently arouding with someone close to me? Who am I blaming?

Am I being constructive?

Do I feel confident in my abilities as a person? Do I feel in this moment I deserve the same treatment as everyone else?

If I have just been out in public, how at ease was I? 

[healthpsypsy]

Note: Looking back, I can see how various school psychiatrists could have easily put me on the ASD spectrum. I was socially unept, prone to overreactions, had some quirky interests, and was overall "different". Though I see now that most of my autistic thinking may have actually stemmed from the majority of my time as a homeschooled only child. I had limited interests because that's what I was allowed to have, I feared my father finding something Biblically wrong with my interests and "obsessed" over it because I feared I would lose it and never be able to enjoy it again. Any obsessions I experienced in my later life could very well due to me feeling depressed, stressed, and anxious, and feeling like I have to hold on to whatever is keeping me motivated, at any cost, even if it a purely internal drive.

[healthpsypsy]

I understand now, that most of my current mentality revolves around proving other’s assumptions of me right. Admitting that I have anger problems would prove that I did deserve to have an IEP, when perhaps I have anger problems because of my IEP preventing me from obtaining the same treatment as my peers, who often acted worse than I did. Admitting that I have lost weight, would be admitting that I was fat, which often prevents me from keeping my weight off for very long. At the core of my mentality, I still wish to prove that there is nothing wrong with me, so I must learn to not react and be as I am. If I wish to admit that I have anger problems, I must learn to harness them and use them to protect others that are experiencing the same downfalls as I have, rather than using them solely to protect myself.

[healthpsypsy]

To increase self esteem and self worth Often it is difficult to be mindful during an uncomfortable situation, and it isn't until after wards that I notice the triggers and experience an "ah-ha" moment. The ability to create a journal during a difficult week allowed me to remember how writing down my thoughts can free me from the situations at hand, allowing me to experience true introspection as the days go on. Since my personal writing style is usually addressed to myself, I read my journals from the eyes of another person. This allows me to feel empathy for myself as I usually would for others. I plan to maintain a journal that recaps my feelings, frustrations and thoughts as they cycle through the week, so I can continue to extablish a loving relationship with myself.

Since my late teenage years I have always put a huge emphasis on meditative practices, and will spend weeks in a spiritual mindset. Yet when life becomes difficult, I slowly find myself falling off course. It is during these times that I need to continue my practices and not allow myself to fall victim to negative, cyclitic self talk. I do feel that during these times, I feel like I should have a specific meditation schedule (when I typically don't) and feel guilty for not being able to adjust accordingly. I need to continuously practice, I expect myself to squeeze in yoga in some form for at least ten minutes every day. The amount that I spend my time thinking about people that are no longer part of my life, or never have been heavily outweighs the amount of time that I spend thinking about people that are actually in my life. This includes both positive and negative aspects. I am unable to properly forgive myself for feeling forced to have an abortion at 17, and I still feel that it directly caused me to go into preterm labor at 20. The rumors that I aborted my second wanted child, that I am a baby killer, ect are very hard for me to brush off due to my unresolved guilt. When I find myself down over a period of days, I become fixtated in the hurts and pains of middle school. While I will never completely understand why the school system treated me so horribly, it literally isn’t affecting what I am able to do with my life in this present moment at all. If I run into a teacher, administrator, or a classmate that continued living vicariously, the most I can do is smile and continue living my life away from said person. I have a very intense spiritual side of me, yet I tend to neglect it when I need it the most. The days that I should be practicing yoga in its spiritual sense, I find myself rumitating in the shower for hours at time. Yet other days when I feel light and balanced I claim to feel calm from my sparractic spiritual practices. I need to remind myself that like most things in life, I will fall back, and thats okay, because it’s a life long journey.

[healthpsypsy]

My low self esteem

I often look back on the last seven years and tell myself that I didn’t experience such harsh thoughts until my preterm delivery, watching my daughter gasp for air in front of me, and the painful words that I experienced from the mother of my then-fiance’s child. I tell myself that maybe, it was the police officer that didn’t believe a single word I said, after I chose to drive a few days later, and shakingly bumped the car in front of me, and watched him drive away yelling profinities, only to call in a hit and run hours later. Perhaps it was the court dates that hurt the most, the thousands of dollars that I threw away at an attorny, only to keep my liscense, yet be asked to donate hundreds of dollars of baby items regardless of my situation. Maybe it was because it all took place before my 21st birthday, and alchohol was the simple solution to the verbal abuse, sexual assult, and trauma that took place within such a short two years. 

I now understand that most of the hurt that I experienced began in middle school, and while I had told myself for years that I had healed, I clearly hadn’t. I had been homeschooled until the 5th grade. My parents, at the time where somewhat religious fanatics and often kept me from experiencing life as my peers did. I finally convinced my parents that I needed the social experience, and was placed into a private Christian Academy. I had no idea how rude girls close to my age could be (I was two years younger, yet physically more mature than my peers), and began introverting myself as a result. Occationally, I would experience a sleep-over with my popular peers, but overall was not well adjusted. By the end of my 6th grade year, I was a depressed nervous mess, and asked to transfer to a public middle school. I expected life to be better, yet girls there wanted to fight me. Since I was bigger, and louder due to my hurt, I often landed in school suspension. I missed a great deal of school due to me getting cut, thrown into lockers, and me attempting to stick up for myself but simply looking like the perputrator. I eventually gained myself an IEP, and was forced to transfer to a local Charter School. 

My academic life at the Charter School went as expected. I did have friends, but my enimes controlled my life. At twelve, I looked like a seventeen year old, and my weight gained the attention of those around me. I was constantly told to kill myself, I was told my weight was preventing those around me from breathing, and the majority of the teachers laughed at me. My grades were decent, I excelled in choir, Spanish and had plenty of extra-curriculars, including the Rocky Mountain Talent Search, which allowed me to take my ACTs and SATs at an increadibly young age, yet the lack of support from the school staff prevented me from functioning as myself. School psychaistrists often failed to notice my age, I was often misdiagnosed with Asbergers, though my own psychaitrist begged to differ. My social reputation fluctuated depending on the year, and I eventually asked my parents to transfer me back to public school

[healthpsypsy]

I would like to continue what I started by my use of the word “actually” throughout my journal. When I look back at my life, I often feel as I’ve lived multiple lives. I’ve experienced so much over such a small amount of time, that those who are naturually suspisious (clearly due to their own hate and distrust of others) have questioned what parts of my “story” is real or false. I often feel like tearing my hair out when I’m questioned; I usually only tell others of my entire story if I feel that it will help them feel as if they’re not alone.  During my short lived sessions with therapist number three last year, she questioned if I knew why I continued getting such negative responses from “everyone”; perhaps there was a certain type of person I am gravitated towards. Initially, I was taken back, but through time, I have realized that perhaps she was right. Healthy people usually don’t assume that someone is outright lying about their past history, expessically when it is told in such a sensitive context. Perhaps my problem is that I am telling my horror stories to terribly wounded people, who likely have every single reason to mistrust others, and I’m simply being told that I’m just like the rest. Except they’re not explictitly saying it. Instead of awknowledging that they need their time to mend, I internalize it because of the even fewer pure nasty people I have experienced in my past. 

Rather than downright avoiding all authentic human interactions out of fear that I will either encounter horrible or wounded people who are not ready to collectively heal, I should encourage myself to actively participate in feel good activities. Instead of engaging in hours of pointless small talk, and focusing on what I’ve diasected to be potientally negative, I should continue to truly engage with the community. The ability to enroll in on campus courses this past semester, as well as enroll Marah in UCCMA has proved to be a great step in the right direction, even if the latter occationally has it’s quirks. Finding various groups of people that share common interests

[healthpsypsy]

At the beginning of the year, I began listening to various Podcasts to help me gain a different perspective on my anxieties, my supposed PTSD, and general distrust of the world around me. I usually tend to forget about my own anger issues, but I found myself listening to a podcast on anger management. Towards the end, the speaker informed the listeners that we could control anger by realizing that lots of people will affect our lives not out of malice, but of ignorance. How then, could we be angry over other’s ignorance?

I realized that I do have lots of anger in my life; I am ashamed to admit that while I have no issue reaching a helping hand, I am hurt by all the hands that never extended to pull me up, and rather pushed me down. I thought about recent events, the girl who decided to follow me around town, the inconsidorate words and assumptions from other aqquantinces and wondered how much of my thought processes was spent hating their words rather than enjoying the truth that surrounds my light. Their words are not about me, they are speaking of me as they see themselves. Obsessing over weather or not they will say something triggering, rude, or just rediculous is simply preventing me from being myself completely. The days that I wake up and feel hopeless, I often feel unintelligent. Perhaps I am not wrong for feeling unintelligent, the amount of time that I spend questioning other’s motivies has often prevented me from wanting to spend time on any of my scholorary pursuits. Oftentimes, I am clouded in so much self-doubt I forget concepts that I usually can talk about on end.

While my self-doubt fluctuates with my cycle, there are often common themes I find myself thinking of. I feel alienated from my peers, I feel unattractive, unintelligent, and unworthy.

[healthpsypsy]

Two overused words in journal:

“Actually”. I actually did this or this actually happened. Like it’s suprisign that something good would happen, or I doubt that what I’m saying is believable to the other person

“Have to”-when I’m anxious I start worrying about time and put too much pressure on the situation. I’ve literally had to force myself to take a passive approach on life before and tell myself I don’t have to do anything. Just let it be and be! 

[healthpsypsy]

 Six Questions: What have I done since my last post?

I cried it out, I feel helpless and emotionally exhausted. I hate admitting this, but I had to call for help. I absolutely hate asking for help because it makes me feel like I’m stupid; in this case not only do I feel inadequate in my own parenting skills, but I feel like I’m an idiot for not being able to do everything at once. I had mom come over and spend time with Marah so I could take care of some things around the house that I am unable to do while she’s awake, Mario’s night shifts are so difficult sometimes! 

 How am I feeling on a scale from 1-10

7

I’m fortunate to have my parents live so close to me and in good health to help us when we need it, being able to take time to get things done and make sure that Marah’s needs are being met has definately taken some of the weight off my shoulders. I still feel anxious, this has been a difficult week from the get go, and I’m a little disturbed with how awful this journal looks.

 Does my neck/back hurt more than usual? 

I am in raw pain; I can’t pop my neck, pack, shoulders. Sitting is not comfortable, my knees keep popping and my foot is killing me

Have I eaten? Was it for nourishment or was it to fill the time? Am I craving something in particular?

I ate the rest of Marah’s goldfish. No regrets. I miss the days that I was able to eat healthy, but those days I also drank and smoked a lot, so I suppose I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I still need a cigarette. I’m not going to lie, the second month is the worse. I’m afraid I’m going to relapse again. 

 What am I thinking about? Have I been rumitating? Where are these thoughts leading me? Could I be misinterpreting things?

I feel bad for being so stressed all the time, and wish that there was an easier way to regulate my emotions. I just want to lay back and think about life: ie, I want to think about every single person I have known in my life and how they have affected me and how much we are alike. 

I think about people that could have been my friends, but treated me poorly because we were too similar for them to handle. I think about TT, the guy that I “got fired” at a previous job and later slept with because I determined I was dealing with the same things that he was. I think about how weird these disgusting people thought I was when I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and had no one to talk to. I think about how for a split second, I wanted to steep to their level and go around destroying lives, but simply couldn’t. I think about Mario’s past before me, all my exes lives before and after me. I think about my ex and how maybe I didn’t want to sleep with him as much as I could have not just because I didn’t like his personality in a romantic aspect, but because his face somehow reminded me of this guy I had somewhat unconsentual sex with. I think about how complex life is and how you can’t describe pain in just one word and how nothing is just black and white and maybe that’s why it’s so difficult for people to understand me, because when I want to speak, I speak with passion and I read between the lines. And that’s why I’ve been able to survive for so long under those unfaviorable conditions.

These thoughts calm me when I’m in an anxious state, though I do find myself fixtated on them for days. Of course I could very well be misinterpreting all of this, I don’t know anyone’s reasoning for their past, only my own. It’s certainly better than projecting hate. If we’re all connected, I can’t hate them, and I can’t hate myself either. 

 Am I currently arguing with someone close to me? Who am I blaming?

No, Mario and I talked before he left to work. He wasn’t actually upset with me, he just didn’t particuarily enjoy waking up to our daughter fussing and me frantically running around the house. I understand completely. Though I do wish that he would just ignore the words that come into his head and just let them be, they only make my anxiety worse. He really should know, given his own struggles.

 Am I being constructive?

I shouldn’t be spending my time living in the past, but it’s certainly better than being unable to live in the present. I don’t know how I can claim to be such a deeply spiritual, openminded person when it only works for me when I find it convienient. I think I would keep on the path if I felt more confident meditaing around other people. I just feel so vulnerable.

 Do I feel confident in my abilities as a person? Do I feel in this moment I deserve the same treatment as everyone else?

Vulnerable is probably the best way to put it. I feel like I have all this light, but whenever I project it, I experience difficulties. How can I allow myself to be as I am without anxiety? 

 If I have just been out in public, how at ease was I? Did I feel talkative? Anxious? Lethargic? Calm? If I’m not going out, how would I feel if I went out as I am?

I’m not looking forwards to all the plans I made for tomorrow. I have a feeling that I’ll feel like I’m talking with a lisp, start studdering and everyone will judge me. 

[healthpsypsy]

Things to address: The amount that I spend my time thinking about people that are no longer part of my life, or never have been heavily outweighs the amount of time that I spend thinking about people that are actually in my life. This includes both positive and negative aspects. 

I am unable to properly forgive myself for feeling forced to have an abortion at 17, and I still feel that it directly caused me to go into preterm labor at 20. The rumors that I aborted my second wanted child, that I am a baby killer, ect are very hard for me to brush off due to my unresolved guilt.

When I find myself down over a period of days, I become fixtated in the hurts and pains of middle school. While I will never completely understand why the school system treated me so horribly, it literally isn’t affecting what I am able to do with my life in this present moment at all. If I run into a teacher, administrator, or a classmate that continued living vicariously, the most I can do is smile and continue living my life away from said person.

I have a very intense spiritual side of me, yet I tend to neglect it when I need it the most. The days that I should be practicing yoga in its spiritual sense, I find myself rumitating in the shower for hours at time. Yet other days when I feel light and balanced I claim to feel calm from my sparractic spiritual practices. I need to remind myself that like most things in life, I will fall back, and thats okay, because it’s a life long journey. 

[healthpsypsy]

2/9 3 of 4

 Six Questions: What have I done since my last post?

We finally made it out. Marah was soaking up everyone’s attention but mine, which made things more difficult than it needed to be once we left said people. At least she mellowed out at the Post Office and helped me “feed” the mailbox. I’m trying to understand why I’m so stressed. I tried getting dinner together as soon as we got back since Mario has to leave for work soon, and Marah decided that she actually wanted to read with me...five hours later...but the food was already on the stove which led to a temper tantrum, which led to me waking up Mario, which led to him making a snide comment, which led to me reading to Marah/crying. What a wonderful day. I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE MONTH.

 How am I feeling on a scale from 1-10

-10 No, in all honesty though, probably a 5.

 Does my neck/back hurt more than usual? 

I have that warm feeling from crying, so I can’t really tell.

Have I eaten? Was it for nourishment or was it to fill the time? Am I craving something in particular?

We bought Goldfish at the store. Uh-oh. I haven’t touched them yet, Marah had a few on the way home, but I know as soon as she goes to sleep, they’re going to swim into my belly. 

For dinner tonight, I made white rice, vegetables and chicken. Chinese food. Mostly healthy. It all evens out.

 What am I thinking about? Have I been rumitating? Where are these thoughts leading me? Could I be misinterpreting things?

At the store, we walked by a lady loudly yelling at her son. I ended up having to circle back around for Marah’s Goldfish. I’ve been trying to not buy these for her, because since I can eat more of them for the same amount of calories as Cheese-It’s, I lie to myself and end up eating more calories than I would have if I just passed them by. Grandma and grandpa always get her Goldfish though, and I forgot that they get her the dreaded rainbow colored snacks. So I hand her the regular ones and she won’t take them from me and the lady who was just screaming at her son comes to the rescue and tells me that she probably wants the rainbow ones. And she didn’t even need to say it because at this point, I’ve heard it SO much from random strangers but I know that she didn’t think that Marah was my daughter because of our hair. 

I can’t find a nice enough way to side-step those comments other than blank-face staring at the person and telling them that she is indeed my daughter, she’s just mixed and watch the other person stumble around about hair color and other irrelevant details. Mario has been with me during some of these encounters and he doesn’t get it either, we laugh together but if it’s just me I LOSE IT. It’s not easy for me to stay pregnant and I get slapped every time I leave the house because she looks different, but I can’t help but wonder if these people think I just don’t seem like the mommy type. I know I look at least five years younger than I really am but what else could it be? I sit there giggling with her, or disciplening her depending on the situation and I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m her mom, and these people still ask stupid questions. Is it just because it’s me? Like they KNOW I’m her mom, they just want to get under my skin? Why?

 Am I currently arguing with someone close to me? Who am I blaming?

I’m upset with Mario for saying “Is it ever a good day” when he woke up. Yesterday was mostly a good day, the day before was suberb if I remember right. I hate how he thinks how negative I am, I try so hard and I feel like I don’t get any support. I just need some VERBAL support from time to time. And that doesn’t make me a bad person, it just makes me human. I don’t know what to do now, because he’s going to get out of the shower and see that I’ve been crying and call me crazy and he’s going to leave in a bad mood which is only going to make things worse and I’m going to be stuck here freaking out about how my hair stylist happens to be his ex wife’s husband’s aunt and how I’m going to deal with her knowing that when I see her this weekend if we’re fighting.

 Am I being constructive?

No, there’s literally dozens of things that I wish I could be doing right now, but I can’t get myself back in the right mindstate because I can’t shake this horrible anxious feeling of failure because I’m “Sarah C” 

 Do I feel confident in my abilities as a person? Do I feel in this moment I deserve the same treatment as everyone else? 

No, I don’t know why I keep going back to middle school but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about all the time’s I’ve been beat because of my weight my looks and who people think I am since Mario’s family came down for the summer and fought the entire time in my house. I was so happy to be Marah’s mommy and I feel like everything I do is just wrong now. I want to make her happy and just focus on us, but if people think that I’m that bad of a parent and I’m that selfish then what am I to do?

If I have just been out in public, how at ease was I? Did I feel talkative? Anxious? Lethargic? Calm? If I’m not going out, how would I feel if I went out as I am? 

Anxious is one way to put it. I think there was only one situation where I felt calm and that was when a lady in a wheelchair needed produce bags and I got one for her, then of course, I ran into her by the produce and I felt awkward for seeing her by the produce. SHOCKING, I know. I like being a nice person but I don’t like stepping on people’s toes. Goldfish lady just annoyed me, I wanted to yell at her for being so abrasive to her son and so oddly affectionate to my daughter. I felt like everyone at the Post Office was judging me, wondering why it was taking me so long for me to get out of my car, wondering if I was a creeper and who I was talking to in the backseat when they walked past my car while I was frantically getting my envelops ready, because you know, I don’t look anything like a mother so who could I possibly be talking to in the backseat. I feel so defeated. 

[healthpsypsy]

Six Questions: What have I done since my last post?

Marah woke up shortly after I finished my last post. She was NOT in the same mood I was. She is fussy, and wants to throw everything that she comes into contact with. I’ve been running throughout the house trying to keep things tidy so we have less to do when we get back. I think I’ve lost an hour of the day so far. In short, I’ve lost part of my mind. 

 How am I feeling on a scale from 1-10

8.5

 Does my neck/back hurt more than usual? 

I think I feel a headache coming on.

Have I eaten? Was it for nourishment or was it to fill the time? Am I craving something in particular?

I think that as soon as Marah and I run out, I’m going to get us a box of Cheese-Its and eat them on the ride home. I need a “crunch.” 

 What am I thinking about? Have I been rumitating? Where are these thoughts leading me? Could I be misinterpreting things?

We need to leave the house as soon as possible so I can get these packages shipped off! If I don’t, I’ll lose my eBay account just like last time and I’ll have to start over again! And unlike last time, I don’t have a real job to fall back on. This is my ONLY attempt to surprise Mario by helping him back ends meet. How are we going to save up for a better place, or go out more if he is spending all of his money on Marah and I? He deserves so much more, and I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want him like he always does. 

I’m beginning to get the shakes. I want a beer, but I can’t drink without cigarettes. I want to scream and cry, but I have to hold it together because Marah absolutely can’t see her mommy like this. I just wish we could have a real conversation. I need to slow down. I’m so upset. I feel like the day is over. It hasn’t even started. Why are we so off of our own schedule?

What happened to our routine? This isn’t fair for her. I feel like such a horrible parent. We try so hard to keep everything right for her, but I don’t want her to go a full month only seeing her dad long enough to tell him goodbye. But she’s obviously cranky, I don’t know what my “real” time is and I feel like I’m going crazy. HELP. Is it really 12:30? My body thinks it’s 8 in the morning, and my mind thinks it’s time to go back to sleep. 

 Am I currently arguing with someone close to me? Who am I blaming?

I feel like a horrible mother for saying this, but I am already “bickering” with my daughter. Doesn’t this happen once they’re in their teenage years? She definately did not wait to start her terrible twos. I figured maybe she just needed some cuddles and reassurance. I get my hair pulled. I give her her space and go to print out some papers, she climbs up on the table and tries throwing my laptop off. I scold her, put her in timeout, take her out and tell her why she was in trouble and why she was feeling upset. She throws her food at me. I am not a happy camper. I am blaming my daughter for throwing my/our day off. If she could only just let me cuddle her, read to her, watch TV with her or at LEAST give me five minutes to get us ready the day would work out according to plan! 

 Am I being constructive?

I’m trying. I thought I was going to have a constructive day. I don’t know what’s going on at this point. 

 Do I feel confident in my abilities as a person? Do I feel in this moment I deserve the same treatment as everyone else?

No, I feel like a terrible parent for not being able to keep my daughter on a set routine. No wonder why her music teacher looks at me so weird, Mario may be right, she thinks that we’re too different for her. I can’t get in with the right people, what does that leave Marah with? People that Ben and Nate associated with? Am I still judged for associating with them? Why am I being judged by associating with them by people that still secretly associate with them, and why is this affecting my family life? I just want to be around nice people, that are openminded and not judgemental. Where are these people? Do they even exist?

 If I have just been out in public, how at ease was I? Did I feel talkative? Anxious? Lethargic? Calm? If I’m not going out, how would I feel if I went out as I am?

I guess that all depends on if I can get my fingers to stop shaking. There’s literally no excuse for that out in public. People in this town don’t see “anxiety” unless you’re attractive. If you’re ugly, they label you as a drug addict and throw you away.