heard-in-the-emergency-room - Tumblr blog

[heard-in-the-emergency-room]

(Nurse looking up the policy for a patient that wants to be a DNR, but having trouble finding it)

Where there’s a will, there’s a policy

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Patient: I have this wound on my foot that just will not heal. It’s been there for over six months

Provider: Ma’am, I don’t mean to get off subject, but what is in your water bottle? I’ve never seen a drink that color of teal blue.

Patient: Oh, it’s Hawaiian Punch

Provider: I thought you said you were diabetic.

Patient: Well I do water it down a little.

Provider: What have your blood sugars been running?

Patient: Oh, I never check.

Provider: (stares into space and contemplates life choices)

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Thank you to everyone who got me to 50 likes!

I love getting to share the humor of my work day with you!!!

[heard-in-the-emergency-room]

Working in the emergency department is just:

- Seeing 5 people with colds who shouldn’t be here

- Someone with diabetes who just chugged a Big Gulp Soda

- Mystery Abdominal Pain

- An old person who fell and somehow broke every bone in their body

- Seeing the happiest healthiest baby ever with parents who look like they haven’t slept in 3 days because the baby sneezed (I don’t mind these patients - cute baby, knowing the cute baby is cared for, and easing people’s worry? Great time)

- Someone who got in a car accident 2 days ago and just now decided to get checked out and is about to learn about whiplash

- Someone who didn’t try any OTC medication for their symptoms before coming and is about to get the most expensive Acetaminophen & Ibuprofen of their lives

- An interaction that changes your life; that leaves you with a deep sadness but also hope and a certainty that despite everything, in their hearts people are good and want to love one another

- A 3ppd smoker with diagnosed COPD who decided today is the day to figure out that cough they’ve had for 5 years

- Homeless people who just want to get out of the elements and have a snack you want to help but can’t

- Someone who will scream at you for not prescribing antibiotics for a viral infection

- Someone with 13 heart stents who vehemently denies any heart problems because “they fixed it!”

- Someone who just invented a new way to take medication wrong

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Today I (the PA) said:

Well that train has sailed.

And then just stared straight ahead as everyone absorbed that nonsense.

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Patient, being evaluated for medical clearance to go to jail, accompanied by the police

Patient: None of this is even my fault!

(1 hour later after X-rays have resulted)

Provider: So nothing is broken on X-ray. So that’s good news.

Patient: Well just so you know, I’ve been talking to the police and it actually was all my fault.

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Patient: My foot hurts

Provider: (bends down to exam foot)

Patient: (looking at top of provider’s head) damn bitch, where you get all them grey hairs at! How old is you?

Provider: 33

Patient: well I’m 25. We should meet up at 37 Main and go on a date

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Patient: I fell off a step stool two days ago. I did not hit my head but I just wanted to come in and get checked for a skull fracture.

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Provider talking to patient, who was just diagnosed with bacterial conjunctivitis (pink eye)

Patient: how dark do the sunglasses need to be?

Provider: for what?

Patient: so I don’t give this to anyone else

Provider: (deep breath). How do you think pink eye is spread?

Patient: well I got it by looking at a girl with pink eye.

Provider: (deeper breath). No.

(And went on to explain how it is really spread)

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Patient: I was told I would get a room upstairs! That was hours ago! What is taking so long?

Provider: ma’am, bed placement is working on your admission bed. It depends on how many beds are available in the hospital and whether we have enough staff to care for all the patients on that floor

Patient: so I should go up there and be a Karen to move things along?

Provider: ma’am no amount of being a Karen will make a bed available faster, I assure you

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Provider: sir please explain to me why you ate a screw.

Patient: well, I was told I was iron deficient

Provider: 😳

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In the movie venom during the first human trials of the symbiote, the research team is happy that the patients “vitals are holding steady”. This is a reference to the production team not consulting a single medical professional to find out what good vital signs look like.

[heard-in-the-emergency-room]

I say this all the time… if my patients can file provider complaints, I want to be able to file complaints against my patients. It should be an equal opportunity complaint environment

I wish ratings of medical visits could go both ways.

“Patient started screaming at me about not prescribing amoxicillin for her after explaining ad nauseam that antibiotics don’t work for influenza. 2/5.”

“Upon being told he would not be receiving a narcotic prescription for his chronic toe pain (he got a prescription for 30 Percocet just 3 days ago as well) patient proceeded to smear feces on the wall before storming out and screaming ‘fuck this place and fuck y’all.’ 1/5, hopefully he doesn’t return.”

“Brought entire up to date list of medications with her to the emergency department. Very pleasant. Knowledgeable about own health and eager in understanding her conditions. 5/5.”

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ER provider: The GI doctor will be here later to see you, but it will likely be late this afternoon

Patient: Is he young or old?

ER provider: He’s a pretty young guy

Patient: Good. So I can slap him when he gets here for making me wait all day to see him.

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"The taste of Crow is deep in my mouth but with a little hot sauce you can choke anything down."

(listed at the bottom of an email sent by an ED staff member regarding the need to change scheduled shift times)

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A patient needed a simple procedure done but has a disorder that causes her to have difficulty clotting, so procedure was deferred so surgery team could be consulted

“They can make things bleed. So they can probably make things stop bleeding”

(Said the attending physician referring to why surgical team should be involved)

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During a procedure in the ER

10 year old patient to provider:

You look like the type of person that makes TikTok’s while you do surgery

Nurse (assisting provider) to patient:

Not her. She can barely turn her phone on.