hearsime

[hearsime]

✨ Dream Girl Guide ✨

After reading @2pretty's Dream Girl Guide, I knew it was time to get down to business and also set some serious goals for the rest of year.

Although I have evolved a lot in the past year and managed to incorporate a lot of new beneficial habits, I feel like there is still room to grow and glow-up. So let's make the next 6 months count and hold myself accountable with this post to keep myself on track. 💕

The dream girl version of myself is an elegant, graceful and witty beauty, who is worldly and speaks multiple languages. She oozes confidence and enchants her surroundings with her knowledge, wit and charm. She seizes opportunities when she sees them and unapologetically asks for what she wants. She has clear boundaries and does not let any man or woman disrespect her or her boundaries. Her home is always spotless and smells fresh, she is completely on top of her house chores. She has a trim figure, which he tones through consistent workouts. She has a booty!! she built in the gym. People want to be around her energy, she is grounded and calm and practices mindfulness on the daily. She always looks naturally put together, takes absolute pride in her appearance and SPF is her best friend. 💖

12 Qualities to create her:

♦ speaks HSK 5 level chinese

♦ oozes confidence and charm in social settings

♦ has a killer job and focuses on her professional development

♦ has a booty (does a booty count as a quality? i say yes) trim figure and graceful posture / flexibility

♦ knows about Art

♦ practices minimalism / essentialism

♦ Slow, clear and pronounced speech

♦ great financial knowledge and builds up her investments

♦ is kind and compassionate

♦ continuously seeks new knowledge in various areas

♦ speaks intermediate Russian

♦ is grounded and calm, has control over her emotions

June

✨ Ramping up my Chinese ✨

I am staying in Taiwan for the summer on a Chineses language scholarship. Initially it was more to just revise what I have forgotten last year and enjoy a covid free summer, but now I really want to push my command of the language to new heights. I will study 2-3 hours per day (next to my daily language course) and try to seize every opportunity to really further my Chinese and not fall back to using English. It is going to be uncomfortable and awkward sometimes, but it will pay off.

July

✨ Confidence and Charm ✨

I will use July to explore the dating scene in Taiwan and also use this opportunity to further build my self-confidence and charm when it comes to men. This may sound like an unusual quality to train, but i want to make it my goal to feel completely unintimidated and at ease around men. I will clearly state my boundaries at all times and not allow anyone to push or violate them. I will state my wants and needs and see who rises to the occasion or not. I will only focus on men's action and not their words. This month will also give me the opportunity to discover more about myself.

August

✨ Finding a killer Job ✨

August will the month of intense job-search and career exploration. I have already polished my resumé and I will send out at least 15 job applications. Next to that, I will do extensive research on graduate / Masters programs and decide at which universities and for which programs I will apply.

September

✨ Booty time ✨

I will work out at least 4 times per week, really focus on high protein intake and a good mixture between strength and cardio workouts + stretching. I will focus on finally growing that peach of mine 🍑. In edition, I will do this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5HBnDig8hY&t=5s) 8 min posture exercise video every day to strengthen my back and help me look more graceful and elegant.

October

✨ Work of Art✨

October will be the month of Art. I've always wanted to get more acquainted with it, so in October I will research about the Art world at least 3 hrs per week, get more familiar with the different art periods, artists and styles. Plus I will try to visit at least 2 galleries.

November

✨ Minimalism / Essentialism✨

Before the Christmas mayhem starts, I want to refocus on minimalism and essentialism, being intentional with the items and things in my life. Essentially Marie Kondo-ing my life. Decluttering my apartment and closet, taking inventory of what I own, what needs to be polished and better taken of or what needs to be replaced. I will revisit my minimalism habits and check if i have kept on track with them during the year (e.g. am I buying things because I really need them and will serve me in the long run or I am I buying emotionally and/or instant gratification?). I will try my best to make this a no-buy November, unless the item is essential to my life / growth or if I have to replace something.

December

✨ Slow, clear and intentional speech✨

I know that a lot of people tell me that I sometimes speak to fast and unclear, thus making it hard for people to follow and keep up with what I am saying. As I fear it could sometimes diminish my presence and credibility, I will actively use December to try and work on this. Whether that is through guided speech exercises that I will look up online, or get a speech the therapist, remains to be decided.

I have sketched out my plan for the rest of 2021 and plan to revisit my dream girl guide at the end of December, to plan anew and adjust and recalibrate accordingly for 2022 ♥️.

✨ Let the glow-up gods shine their light upon me ✨

[hearsime]

[hearsime]

Owen Gent - I miss his embrace

[hearsime]

Dreams pt. 1

My dreams have always been vivid but damn the past few nights my creams have rocked my world. You know that type of dream that keeps you tossing and turning in your sleep. When you wake you feel it in your soul, you got a headache from it. 

Dreams have real meaning and as much as I want to downplay the meaning (I've been binging too much SVU) there is some serious truth behind it significance. 

Last nights dream truly has me in denial. Which in reality is most likely due to my ego. After interpreting my dream it came down to the “harsh” reality that I am clinging on to old habits and that I am not confronting my fears. Which in hindsight it is true. My subconscious actions do seem habitual at this point. 

I know there is more for me to let go and/ confront, but wouldn't it be easier if our brain flat out told us what issues we needed to release to fully become our best selfs. Maybe I need a therapist. No, too expensive. Seek out a Guru? Or just take some shrooms and see if I can resolve my issues on my own. 

[hearsime]

First Noble Truth

It is imperative that I say this,

I must get it off my chest 

we are all connected on this vast beautiful earth,

My pain is yours and yours mine.

It circulates through the synapses of time

just how life is unpredictable so is our inability to control eternal happiness

it is transient.

Our world is built on the triumphs of our pain

we have survived 

we continue to survive time and time again 

pain inspires, 

unites 

innovation and art is birthed from pain. 

pain is not the cause of our insubstantial nature. 

Through our attachment we are the cause of our pain

[hearsime]

I live, but I cannot live forever. Only the great earth lives forever, the great sun is the only living thing.

Gray Whiskers

[hearsime]

Owen Gent

[hearsime]

ghosts

I saw my first ghost when I was eight, maybe nine. I wasn't scared nor afraid. You think would be emotionally disturbed some way, but I was confused. Had’nt my mother gone to her funeral? Wasn't her name in the monthly church newsletter in the obituary column? 

Church had ended, our closing song began.  Pews full of members emptied and walked up the isle. My mother and I waited our turn. I saw her as clear as I see myself in the mirror.

Hollywood has it all wrong. Ghost are not vailed in white and transparent. They appear as the living. 

She was my babysitter. She lived alone across the street from me. She was kind and always have me strawberry candy, ya know the kind that has the gooey center. I still have the teddy bear she gifted my mother.

There she was a week after her passing. In a red blazer, floral skirt, and a red church hat to match. I remember her at the end of her life. She looked as older people do. Spine curled, dull skin, and a walker for assistance. Maybe that is why I was taken aback when I saw her. She had been freed of the ailments that held her back in the living. She was free.

She must have known I could see her, because turned to look at me and smiled. Not a single word passed her lips, but her smile spoke volumes. It was full of reassurance and serenity. Just like that she was gone. 

My bridge with spirits solidified that day. 

[hearsime]

Start

The beginning is always the hardest. My thoughts race and images play out, but I am incapable of moving forward. 

The inability to fully express what I want to say and feel is suffocating. 

How do I begin? Where do I begin?

Is this the life I am supposed to live? Constantly being entrapped in a whirlwind of self imposed negativity. How do you fight when you've always taken the flight?

To take flight is easy, comfortable, instinctive. But each flight leaves a fighting desire to redo. 

Who would I be if had said yes? If I had acted on true soul aching instinct? Who would I be if I didn't think about how I will embarrass myself? Make a fool of myself... if acting on instinct did not have any repercussions. 

Seeing every play is fucking exhausting! Damn near debilitating. 

How did it begin? No, when? My memory is shot. A wall of osmosis keeps me together, I think. One tab and my dam of forgotten memories spill out. 

Where to begin... 

yet I've gotten to this point and can not begin. Maybe I’ll take a tab to release, to unearth the root of my self sabotage. 

The time is now