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Conclusion.

So this is the post breakup time. This is where the roller coaster comes back to it's station and the ride has ended.

Honestly I've felt soo many different emotions and feelings that I never knew I was capable of feeling. In fact I never knew I'd ever go through them at all.

There are the good feelings. The nice ones. The ones they describe in songs as butterflies in your stomach. Yep I've had those.

Then there are the bad ones. The ones that make you feel like there's no hope.

If they strike you, there's no avoiding them. You dont have a choice of running away from them. So the best way to get through them is to acknowledge them, ponder over where you could've possibly went wrong and learn from those mistakes. Never repeat them.

Also refrain from doing stupid things during that time. The brain's intelligence pipes just get heavily clogged during that time.

All in all, regrets are there, bad memories are there. They're not going away from my mind any time soon. The only light at the end of the tunnel is hope and my friends.

New years resolution talk?

I want to try and get back the Mahnoor I left at the beginning of 2019. The happy, content and self sufficient Mahnoor. She was a noob but a bit on the cooler side yknow 😏

Also did I mention how disappointed I am in myself for barely getting to the 2600th level on candy crush in 365 days??? Watch me redeem myself in 2020... 4000th level, here I come.

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Let's do a 2019 rewind.

September: Oh God I forgot about the exam season all along dammit. Need.to.study.

Also, uni decides to bring havoc by saying y'all can make new batches of your own choice. 'Tis the month of cold wars and one fed up CR.

Side update: Getting tingly feelings about new friend..

October: Need.to.study.even.more.

Stupid sendups.

Tingly feelings about new friend getting a bit more tingly...

Old friend is still on bad terms with us.

Okay now I'm feeling bad. Maybe I do need to set things straight with him after all. Time to make a card and write him a letter..

November: Stupid profs.

Ooookayyy remember those tingly feelings? Well they're getting wayy too stronger now.

It's that feeling where I feel like he's getting tired of me? Like he doesn't want to talk to me like he wanted to before? Boy doesn't beg me to meet him anymore? His other guy friends are suddenly more important for him now? Also who's this new girl...

Anyway, made a card for old friend but I don't gather up the confidence to give it to him until early December.

Profs are finished! *woohoo* but I don't party on the last day because I'm a sad peanut...

Can't stop thinking about the new girl...

Let's talk to him about this.

Me: *tells him I don't like his changed behaviour with me*

He: *says he hasn't changed at all what are you talking about*

*doesn't believe him*

*stops talking to him*

*Oh well good riddance, doesn't talk to me either*

*Oh sh*t I didn't see this coming*

*Still isn't talking to me*

*Umm isn't HE supposed to make an effort to set things straight? Why is HE being the one with the attitude here?*

You know what it's time for? A card

...b**** didn't even show the slightest amount of excitement for the card I spent a whole day on..

So I end up impulsively saying that I want to end this relationship and I return every single thing he ever gave me.

Maybe THIS will make him give me attention now 😏

Okay nope... still isnt responding...

*cue a sad crying peanut*

December begins: Boy turns out to be a jerk.

Meanwhile, old friend and I are in the same batch and we're facing each other everyday. The last time we talked felt like some day in the past. But we're okay now, I guess.

He says he's been a sad peanut like me during exam times and that we've been through a good share of drama so let's just spend this last year on a good note. I comply. Ooh forgot about the card. Okay NOW we're on a good note :D

12th december: Yer girl passed her 4th year *woohoo*

SOMEBODY didn't even have the audacity to wish me congratulations? While I had the self respect of a piece of trash to make a card for him? Ugh

23rd December: My friends are the best people of the entire galaxy milky way universe and everything beyond and I'm ready to fight alien a**es on that ❤

Guess who's a happy peanut now? *meeee*

Gosh, I've been surrounded by literal happy pills all this time who care soo much for a piece of trash like me and yet I still unnoticeably used to sideline them for a lousy boy?

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So while we're waiting for it to officially begin..

Ramzan starts: Okay I've realised that I've sinned way too much in just this small period of time so this is my time to make up for it. I'm gonna dedicatedly spend my ramzan in prayers and worship. So I end friendship with new friend. Again.

I'll be honest, even this ramzan didnt feel that refreshing because I didnt live up to my expectations this time :/

Eid: Iz eidddd 😎

Rest of June: When I said I had ups and downs I meant them very seriously.

Don't ask me how, why, where or what was the need but I end up in a relationship with new friend 🤦‍♀️

Small back story: On the day of eid his father fell and got his clavicle fractured so he was really distressed and he needed someone to talk to so he hit me up. I know I shouldn't have felt bad but I did. So I set everything right between us and the next thing I know we're back to being super close to each other, he ended up confessing and I had heart eyes all over my stupid face...

29th June: You know what else is stupid? My bones deciding to get all spongy and porous just because they weren't getting any milk for the last one year 🤦‍♀️ Stupid back ache and dexa scan showing I have osteopenia so now I have to take vit D and calcium supplements...

July: We're back to school boyzzz *woohoo* I hope they haven't demolished my crying spot..

Now here's where things get spicy..

Old friend was gone for Umrah and we barely talked during the vacations so he's basically clueless on the whole relationship news. And I decided to keep it that way too. Right now only best friend knows about it.

One day during July: Old friend decides to catch up with me and clear out some of the misunderstandings. He says that he wants us to be normal friends just like before and doesn't want there to be any awkwardness because of his confession. I'm cool with it. We cool.

But nope. This is bothering me. He came clean to me, wants everything to be like old times. I NEED to tell him about my relationship. Besides, he'll probably see me talking to new friend often now and that'll be rude to him. So I tell him about us.

GODDDDD. Mission abort. What did I just do....

I could see tears starting to glisten in his eyes? I'm hating this so much I want to run away..

But he runs away before me.

A week goes by: He's barely talking to me. I could feel the uneasiness. How do I undo this? :(

Meanwhile everything is great with new friend 😋

Hello, August: We're still not on talking terms with old friend

It's his birthday on the 11th: They invite me to his party. I don't go.

I'm thinking is this the way a 3.5 year old friendship is supposed to end? I dont make any effort to set things straight this time. So doesnt he.

All the meanwhile: Relationship going great 😋

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2020 is gonna begin in just a while

2019 has been a *hell* of a roller coaster ride for me and it's coming to an end with all the feelings of relief and satisfaction you get after a roller coaster ride ends.

See the ups were amazing, breath taking, fun and all, but the downs? We don't talk about those here..

*Opens a dusty old book* Let me take you down the memory lane...

At the beginning of the year: I'm a happy, content and self sufficient girl, currently on level 2000 of candy crush and with the sole purpose in life of reaching the 4000th level by the end of this year.

A little of january goes by: So I've befriended this new person. It's a "he" btw. I've only had a couple of "he" friends before and they're super nice and super friendly. This one's new and he seems really nice too

More of january goes by: Its such a peaceful time. I just passed my 3rd year, 4th year seems like a piece of cake (ok maybe a really big piece of cake), I currently have no exams to worry about, it's my favorite weather, I can do anything I want and oh I have a new friend whom I'm excited to know all about...

February: So long story short: I've been unknowingly spending too much time with this new friend and my old friends are getting a bit suspicious of me. In my defence, I maybe kinda sorta probably liked talking to new guy. Boy gave me all his attention and time and who doesn't like that hehe 😋 oh did I mention he was going through a hard time? I was a part time therapist too 💁‍♀️

March 8th (yes I have the date saved in my calender): One of my guy friends, whom I said were nice and were getting suspicious of my new friend, tells me that he likes me...

So backstory time: I knew that he likes me since first year...

Just so you know, me knowing his so called well-kept-secret wasn't my fault at all 🤷‍♀️ because he had confessed this to my best friend at that time and he trusted her not to tell it to me but I guess she couldn't hold it in herself for long. (She literally told it to me the same day he told her lol)

And this is my biggest fattest secret which I haven't told anyyyyyone yet cos if this gets out I'm a piece of trash for everyone *cry*

Let's skip the part where I was supposed to respond to his 'I like you' because at that point I felt like a piece of trash anyway..

2 days later: I tell him my mom said no ;-; she really did say no I promise ;-;

Rest of March: I'm a depressed piece of an even trashier trash now. I didn't quiet like hanging out with new friend cos that'll be rude to the old friend who confessed. So genius mahnoor comes up with a plan: break friendship with both of them.

April: Great, now I'm even more depressed. Old friend is heart broken. New friend keeps saying he misses me. Wow these vacations are so fun...

May: Things are fine with new friend now. I realised there's no point in being like this to both of them.

Little explaination time: So I'm not the type of person who opens up to new people that easily. I personally think I have immense control over my girly emotions. Like I said at the beginning, self sufficient.

At this point in 2019, I've already been through a lot of drama but throughout that time I haven't lost my stance even once. My motto has remained unchanged and my belief in it is unwavering. My motto:

My friends are literally the best and I'd do anything to keep them near me at all times. They are my only source of happiness which doesn't come from within me. I <3 dem.