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[heartlikeawildflower]

Be brave and your heart will fix itself. 

Five personal accomplishments that made my heart sing, and 2022 isn't even over yet.

Where do I begin? The year twenty-twenty-two is breathtaking from my view. I have had so many life-changing experiences this past year, but none greater than the fact that I am finding out who I am, and I am finally getting around to doing the things I love. When I turned 60, I decided to quit a dead-end job, and trade it for a life that is all about pursuing dreams. My choice to move to a new city and start college when most people my age are retiring was probably a crazy idea. But I decided that I wanted the whole world or nothing. 

This year feels like what I always dreamed my life should feel like. I came to realize that a small shift in priorities and a lot of bravery will go a long way. I chose small significant goals, one layered on top of another, flowing like a calm river just past a turbulent waterfall. I am on a path that moves to the rhythm of the earth, in perfect harmony with god and nature. I am responsible, my future is in my hands, and I have the power to change. I look forward to each day with a new perspective all because I made the decision to change my destiny. 

1. I joined the student newspaper staff as a videographer.  I wanted to join last year but I was so overwhelmed with everything around me in my new school environment, focusing on my studies, that it was way too much for me. Last year I didn’t know anything about how to make a video on my own, how to operate a camera, or anything about editing, but I was fairly confident that I could tell a story. I had to learn a lot in a short amount of time. In case you didn’t know, the videographer for a student-run newspaper does the following: find the story, write, produce, direct, shoot, edit, mix audio, and narrate. There is no team involved. This year I proudly managed to do it all. 

2. I wrote and directed an award-winning music video.  During the summer of 2021, I decided to do a self-driven music video project to develop my skills further. After finishing my second semester I was pretty beaten down, my confidence was at an all-time low. But I wasn’t going to give up just yet. From the ground up I fueled the entire project, developed my script, and hired a crew to help me execute my project plan. Honestly, I wasn’t sure that I could do it, I was still learning how it all works but I put my heart into it, and I went for it. I had no idea or even dreamed that it would win a national collegiate award. But it did! 

3. I started to make fine art again after a 25-year break.  I wanted this so bad. To make art again. So, I did. I made the decision. That’s what I mean about small actions leading to tangible results. The decision to make art led to the action of making art. Sure It had been a while, most of my success was in my past and at this point, I had doubts I was even an artist. I had been talking about it for years. So finally, I just did it and now I sell my art as quickly as I make it. It’s almost too easy how that worked. 

4. I started my own vintage clothing business to support myself through school. On top of everything else going on in my life, I needed an income. But being in school full-time made it difficult to find a decent part-time job that fit into my schedule, so I started my own business selling vintage clothing online. I love shopping for treasures, and the thrifting in Amarillo is amazing, so one day it clicked that if I found the right platform I could sell my finds for profit. I see it as an extension of my creative side, to be able to cherry-pick the most beautiful dresses and coats and offer them to someone who can truly appreciate their value is a gift, and it keeps me afloat.

5. I adopted a kitten. Talk about my heart singing at the top of its lungs! This kitty is fire. He never stops entertaining and giving me love. He brings me so much joy and happiness. His name is Lou and he's a silly little man in a tuxedo. Heck, I may even love him more than my boyfriend. 

Change isn’t good, it’s great. It’s okay to be afraid, but it's not okay to be boring. 

We are all finding our way through this life. My experiences have been subtle and profound and no different than anyone else's, really, but for the fact that I have unfinished business to attend to. I had to learn how to laugh at my insecurities and not see them as weaknesses. My soul is free, my heart soars madly and I'm feeling good.

[heartlikeawildflower]

You can't teach anybody anything. 

Be on the lookout, everyone you meet has something to teach you.

A laughing heart teaches, a beautiful renaissance painting teaches, and a walk through a lush green forest teaches. All things in life teach, but you can’t teach anybody anything when they don't want to learn.

I believe that we are products of nurture when it comes to who we become and that we learn by example. Our early caregivers have all the power and play a significant role in how we view the world. I had to become my own teacher in many ways because I had to learn how to fend for myself, and it can be a hard road to travel as a child without loving and supportive parents to help us navigate.

I have a lot of fond memories as a child, so do not feel sorry for me. My parents were young and did the best that they could do, and I love both of my parents dearly. It took me a long time but I forgave them which was essential to my healing, for my story.

Luckily, learning never stops. Every experience I've encountered I now see was instrumental in making me who I am today. Learning comes in all forms and there is no end to what we can accomplish. I felt angry for many years when I realized my childhood lacked nurturing caregivers. But we have the power within us to reinvent ourselves all the way up until our final days, and we all have what it takes to be victorious.

My childhood teachers didn’t see the signs of neglect, or maybe there weren't any obvious signs. Back then, adults didn’t get involved in other people’s personal business. I was shy and quiet and often didn’t comb my hair or bathe, but I was pretty, and my handwriting was perfect. I loved all the same things other little girls loved. I laughed and played with my friends. Things must have seemed normal from the outside, so nobody looked beyond the surface. I didn’t speak up much or even know how to ask for help, nor did I know I needed help.

I remember being excited to take a sewing class in junior high because my mother was an expert seamstress. I told the teacher I could sew because I had learned from my mother. We were assigned a dress-making project in class, so I picked a pattern that I liked, but it turned out to be hard, and I couldn't get the pinafore right. I remember my teacher making a snide comment like, “Oh, I thought you said that you could sew,”? She made me feel embarrassed for needing help so I asked my mom to help me, and she got so frustrated with me, and angrily ripped out the seams, tearing a big hole in my dress and screaming because I was doing it all wrong.

I concluded early on that adults are crazy, and I am not asking for help anymore.

By high school, boys came along. I loved the validation in their attention toward me, and my life started getting a lot more exciting. I was going to parties, having sex, and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I remember when I was 14, hopping into my boyfriend's convertible mustang, looking straight into his eyes, and singing, You Aint’ Seen Nothin Yet, by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Honestly, I really don't remember this, but he loves to remind me all the time.

I became more defiant at home and my grades started to decline. My parents' relationship was over, and pretty much all parenting stopped at that point. My high school history teacher gave me an “F” and wrote, “No effort,” on my report card, even though the entire semester he never showed any concern for my education, nor did anyone ever ask me if I needed help? The other kids really loved and respected this teacher, but I was having trouble staying focused in class. I was lost and nothing made any sense to me, so I failed because I never asked anyone for help.

I continued to struggle as I became an adult. I used to stay awake all night and into the morning, and as the sun came up, I could hear the sounds of life happening all around me. I would peep out my window and see healthy people jogging by, and the sounds of children laughing on their way to school. I had hit an all-time low and I hated myself so much I would urinate in my clothes. But god had mercy on me so I never have to return to being the person I once was.

Be on the watch there is a warm light waiting for you somewhere near the edge of every magnificent pink sunset. We must never stop searching for what we desire and be kind to ourselves and others along our path because everyone you know is your teacher. I had to fight off a lot of self-hate, sadness, and depression along the way, and I still do. I believe a loving power is always guiding us, filling our hearts with purpose, so learn to recognize it because it will teach you to keep going and try even harder. I promise there will be many little moments where hope will filter in and replace self-doubt and suffering. The key is to believe in yourself and not be afraid to ask for help.

I wish cats could make coffee. I wake up with a lot on my mind and a list of things I want to accomplish. And there's my cat, sitting on the edge of my bed with a bored look on his face. After all that I do for him, he can’t even make me a fucking cup of coffee.

Wouldn’t it be cool if you could teach your cat to make coffee?

[heartlikeawildflower]

Love, death, demons, and art. 

Finding grace and self-forgiveness in order to take control of your future. 

At this stage in life, the trick is not to die before you experience some of your biggest dreams and goals in life. The stuff that deep down you knew you were capable of doing, but after so much time had passed, you’re not so sure anymore.  I knew since I was a child that I was artistic, and I was lucky in my early adulthood because I had many opportunities to do my art, but my responsibilities as a parent and mental illness got in the way, so I had to abandon it, not realizing how hard it would be for me to rediscover it once I was ready to do so.  Then, as the years passed, my desire to return to creativity seemed even further away. 

When creativity is left unattended for long periods it eventually loses its power.  I kept waiting for the perfect time to do my art, but it never came, and I realized my creativity was not going to knock on my door. I was going to have to do the knocking and my excuses for not starting sooner, they were valid. I had a lot on my plate with kids and a full-time job, and I was still healing from some major trauma scars from my past.

I was in a rut and no matter how hard I tried to find my way out I was mentally and emotionally stuck, and I was too exhausted just trying to pay the bills. There never seemed to be enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. I needed to give myself some grace, and the gift of self-forgiveness. I have done nothing wrong; this is not failure, I am human. 

Is this a dream or is this just a fantasy? 

And how do you get started after a 20-year break? The entire world is a different place, and I am a different person. I didn’t even know what I wanted to do, I just knew that I had a craving to explore the creative ideas that have been locked inside me for so many years, to express myself and build from there. 

I was born with a resilient spirit. But I knew if I wanted to address my goals, I would have to get to work.  I had to focus on myself and not let other responsibilities get in my way by structuring my time better. I knew that I spent a lot of hours doing things that could wait, time-wasting activities like watching tv and laying around with my phone on social media. I didn’t have to sacrifice anything, I had to manage my time and set priorities. 

I truly believe if you want something bad enough, the initial action you take towards starting the journey almost feels insignificant. There are no big moments of triumph. Me, I walked into an art store.  I made an unplanned detour to the art store and just started looking at art supplies. I found some heavy paper that I loved, I found pastels, colored pencils and paints, brushes, a glue gun, ink stamps, and colored ink and markers.  Then I sorted through old books and magazines at the thrift store and settled upon some old travel magazines, and found “Texas Highways,” from the 60s.  The paper was aged just right, and the thick full-page photos of colorfully painted canyons and other wide-open spaces were stunning and inspirational. 

This is the art of self-persuasion, and it works. I didn’t need to convince anyone, I needed to convince myself. 

I also needed to put sandbags on old relationships that didn’t support my growth. It’s easy to gravitate towards others who don’t inspire you - because it’s safe. If an old friendship feels more like a spinning wheel of death, then it probably is. Somehow, I found the strength to pull myself out of a deep pattern of negativity. My kids had grown, and I was faced with a life that had been structured around keeping them safe and giving them the love and support that I never felt I had as a child. Now I had to discover who I was, and that was terrifying. 

Find people who inspire you to discover yourself in ways that you never even dreamed of. Open up about who you are, and the right people will appear in your life. I had always avoided friendships because they were exhausting, and I am shy by nature, but that all changed when I started to love myself more. I didn’t need anyone to listen to me complain for hours. I needed a new experience, and hopefully, one that inspired others. 

I chose a creative medium that I was familiar with and that I could easily accomplish and get excited about. I had done collage before and loved it so with all of the supplies I had purchased it just naturally seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to find my way. 

I set out to rediscover my artistic skills, beginning with a simple baby step and a desire for change. I’m learning how to be the best version of myself, without too much judgment. Don’t talk yourself out of it because you might. Be the light that shines brightly, and good things will happen.

[heartlikeawildflower]

[heartlikeawildflower]

“The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” ― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

[heartlikeawildflower]

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell? 

Have you ever had a dream so big that all of your fears just dissolve with every step you take? This is a friendly reminder that it's never too late to pursue your wildest dreams.

The past couple of years have been an intense time of transformation and release for me, and I am sure it has been for others as well. In the process of my personal growth, I hardly recognize the person I was two years ago. I have stumbled upon the courage to find my purpose and as I heal, I realize that I am no longer a dreamer, I am a doer. 

Doers are dreamers in real time; my dreams now look like action movies, where I get to play the superhero and be fearless and bold. I long for a fast-moving plot, but I know now that I will get where I need to go and every day I wake up to discover another blessing under my belt. I have achieved more in a short time than I have in my entire life, and I would love to share with others how I turned my dreams of becoming a filmmaker into action. 

Dreams are like the necessary beast when you envision what you want out of your life. I needed to believe that I could do it, whatever it was, even if it scared me.  I had a lot of fears built up that became walls and made it even harder to pursue my heart's desires.  Sure, I had some old dreams from my past, but I seriously doubted whether or not I was good enough at this point in my life. I longed for the day when I would be strong enough to step out of the shadows, live my truth, and not be the person everyone else wanted me to be. 

For someone who has a history of abuse and trauma dreaming can be a trigger. Dreams are a reminder of all that we haven’t pursued, haven't accomplished, and that life may never get better for us. As a very young child, my dreams were happy and colorful, riding horses through fields and streams and winning awards for roller-skating or marrying Donny Osmond. But as my innocence decayed, my dreams darkened.

When I was a little girl, I used to have vivid dreams that I could fly. I flew not for the novelty of it, but as a means of escape. It was always the same story of bad guys chasing after me as I ran in slow motion as fast as I could, and then right before they caught up to me, I would lift off of the ground and fly high into the air, propelled by big a surge of fear and adrenaline.  Once I was in the air, I knew that I was safe as I floated above the powerlines and away from the danger that awaited below. 

Dreams like these were common for me, and although terrifying, l loved the feeling of power they gave me. I guess for me they represented freedom, and my desire to fly away from my problems. My home life was unstable as a child, and I was trapped in a situation that I had no control over. I spent most of my childhood isolated inside my room where I created a safe, imaginary world, as a way to cope with my life. 

I would lie awake in bed listening to my parents fighting long into the night. Witnessing domestic violence will damage a child, so it just came naturally that I learned to argue back and scream even louder, causing my parent's anger to be redirected toward me. I found a safe space inside my closet where I would shut the door and sit in total darkness to close myself off from the intense anxiety I felt.  I was just a little girl and by the time I was in 3rd grade I had already pulled out huge chunks of my hair. 

Dreams turn into nightmares when your needs are never met. My biggest unfulfilled dream was to be a performing singer and songwriter. I played the guitar and sang in my room, but I was just too shy to ever play in front of others. I had no confidence, so I let that dream wither away, but it is still inside of me, that little girl who wanted to be the next Nancy Wilson.

By the time I turned 18 I had a realization that my life was over because I was too old to pursue my dreams. So, I stopped trying and became a waitress.  

Eventually, I replaced one dream with another, and throughout my life, I found myself supporting other artists' and other people’s visions as it seemed like a safer bet for me. Be careful who you give your heart and soul and talent away to because promises are meant to be broken and suddenly, you’ll find yourself in a field of lost dreams where someone else gladly takes all the credit for your hard work. Sorry, but my dreams are no longer for sale.

When I began my journey of self-discovery, I knew I needed to address the elephant in the room, the fact that I lacked education. I knew that it was holding me back from pursuing my wildest dreams, both personally and professionally. So, to start a career of working in film, I knew instinctively that I had to go back to school. My first step as a dream doer was enrolling myself in college. 

I am now in my second year of college, where I attend full-time and work as a videographer for the campus newspaper.

[heartlikeawildflower]

and the winner is certainly not me. 

In 1991, I won an MTV award for a music video that I directed but if you ask anyone that remembers, you’ll probably hear about how drunk I was when I accepted my award. And if that wasn’t bad enough, in the following years my life continued its downward spiral. I fell hard, and soon afterwards I stopped making films. I cleaned up a bit and became a mom. I love being a mom, but in order keep my family intact, I had to set aside my dreams of being an artist because it was too closely associated with the substances that – at that time - influenced my art. I had to have a proper 9-5 schedule, so I took some major career risks that paid off. I learned how live like a responsible adult and parent. I stumbled along the way, but I was in this for the duration, and raising kids is not easy. I wore my independence like a suit of amour, and I worked hard to keep everything that I had, but I was living a life that was unfulfilled. 

And then the pandemic hit, and I lost my good bill-payin’ job in accounting.  It also marks the year I fell madly in love with my high school crush. Well - actually he was everyone’s high school crush back then, if you know what I mean. Yes, that guy; handsome, athletic, smart, and not to mention, he was my first kiss at the age of 14. I had to move out of LA, where I had lived for 40 years, and into a tiny house in the California desert where I sheltered in place while I decided on my next step in life. I was about to turn 60, my kids now adults, and I had no idea what I was going to do, I just knew it wasn’t going to be accounting. 

They say that youth is wasted on the young, but I feel that youthfulness is also wasted on the old. I remember 20 years ago when my mother was my age, asking her what it felt like to be 60, and she said she felt exactly like she did when she was in her 20’s and that it wasn’t much different, really. At that time her comment didn’t really resonate with me, but now that I am older, I know exactly what she meant! I love myself in a way that I’ve never known before, and I’ve never felt better, and I refuse to define myself by my age. I am not my age, but with the passing of time I have become wiser, and yet still, I have nagging dreams that I long to fulfill. 

“age is no crime/but the shame/of a deliberately/wasted/life/among so many/deliberately/wasted/lives/is.”

-Charles Bukowski 

Sometimes I feel 10 feet tall in a roomful of 20-year-olds. But I am also alive to the fact that age is just a passing of time, and softy I will find my way in and out of this life, and that none of this even matters, so embrace the good stuff. 

I had just spent 30 years of my life fighting personal demons and raising kids and now I was ready to focus on my happiness and reinvent myself as an artist. And I knew that if I was going to be a contender, that my next chapter in life wasn’t gonna be all peaches and cream. I had so much fear and self-doubt built up over the years because my expectations for myself as an artist were so unrealistic and I couldn’t fathom the idea of failure. And I was scared. 

I had been out of a job for a year. My boyfriend was about to relocate to Texas for a new job, so I was traveling a lot back and forth between California and Texas in order to be with him. He suggested that I contact a new film studio in town that he had read about to see if they had any work for me. I reached out and, in the process, I noticed that they had partnered up with the local college and had started a film degree program. I had almost no education, as I had dropped out of high school at age 16, with a GED, so the idea of going back to school appealed to me. And my film credentials were all antiques at this point so going back to school was going to be my ticket back into filmmaking. 

I recklessly dove headfirst into my studies. I had not a clue what I was doing, but I was determined to find my way.  I was always shy about my lack of education and felt like it held me back in life and lost opportunities. So here I am, a college film student, ripe for the experience, and I am 60 years old. 

By the end of my second semester, I was drained. I had a 4.0 GPA, but I had a lot of self-doubts when it came to my filmmaking. Was I even an artist anymore? I felt like I just wasn’t connecting, and the film classes were disappointing. I found out early on that we had to learn the technical part all on our own – they didn’t have classes for that. So essentially, I had to teach myself. And I wasn’t feeling an element of unity, I had no mentors or peer support, and I didn’t want anyone to see the work I had done because it was bad student filmmaking at it's best. 

And I felt old and out of touch. I hadn’t seen the latest Batman movie. 

School was out for the summer, but my mind was still swimming with cinematic ideas, and I was determined to make something I could leave my mark on. I needed to put a cherry on top of the pile of shit feelings I had about myself. I knew instinctively that I needed to keep going and that this learning curve is all part of the process. During my break, I wrote a music video concept for my daughter’s music and made a photo collage of my ideas. I enlisted a few of my creative friends to assist me and I worked day and night to put together the timeline, the location, the look, the props, the shot list. I had to do all of the heavy lifting. This was my baby.

When it was completed, I cried. It was so wonderful; I couldn’t believe I did it. It was just the validation that I needed. I shared it with the Media, Arts and Communication faculty chair at my college and she suggested that we enter it in the CMA national film festival. I didn’t know much about the festival, but I looked it up and it seemed legit, so I entered it. And then I forgot about it because honestly, I didn’t think I stood a chance against students all over the nation. I knew my video was good, but I didn’t think I was good enough. 

I won first place. 

“I’ve been around long enough to know when the lunatics are running the asylum.”

-Casey Niccoli

[heartlikeawildflower]

“The bus roared through Indiana cornfields that night; the moon illuminated the ghostly gathered husks; it was almost Halloween. I made the acquaintance of a girl and we necked all the way to Indianapolis. She was nearsighted. When we got off to eat I had to lead her by the hand to the lunch counter. She bought my meals; my sandwiches were all gone. In exchange I told her long stories.”

—Jack Kerouac

[heartlikeawildflower]

This is a can of worms.

[heartlikeawildflower]

Salty Candy 💙 https://www.instagram.com/p/CkTmiLxJ-8C/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[heartlikeawildflower]

[heartlikeawildflower]

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