heartofshema

[heartofshema]

Shoulda Coulda Woulda

August is here! I’ve been doing okay these past few weeks, just trying to soak up every bit of rest I can before my school year starts. The fact that I’m going to be in my senior year hasn’t really hit me in full effect yet but in a few months I’m out of here. 

As I expected, at this point I really feel ready to graduate but I know as the date approaches I’m going to become more and more of a sob. I’m just waiting for the inevitable. A big factor of my emotional timeline is knowing where I’m going to be and what I’m going to be doing post grad, which I’m still doing research for. It’s very draining work to envision myself in different places doing different things to test if it sits well with me, but its also really exciting to dream and imagine what my life can look like even a year from now.

Sometime I get in this head space where I obsess and imagine every other thing I could have been doing and building with my life. “Why didn't I go into that?” or “I wonder how hard it is to make it in ___ ?” haunts my mind for a few days to weeks at a time, usually when I’m making major life decisions. I think a part of me just really does not want to miss out on anything, my heart wants it all. And then I look down the path I’ve actually chosen for myself and feel like once I start I can’t ever stop or look around at what anyone else is doing. I don’t think it’s necessarily unhealthy or wrong of me, I think its a natural inclination we all have a little degree of.  

After assessing all the million different things I could be doing, it makes my resolution for what I’m actually going to pursue much more stronger. I never want to single myself out and be so rigid in my pursuit of success that I miss out on opportunities or the chance to flourish in a new and life giving way. It’s a cliche but we really only have one life to live. 

Spiritually I’ve been on the climb to being more disciplined again in my walk. I’m still trying to be easy on myself and be patient, which I do think I’ve grown a lot in, but that was in the significant absence of people and work/school balance. I want to be able to keep up good spiritual rhythms without it being dissonant with all the other ways I move in the spaces I’m in. I’m just trying to make it for the rest of this 2020, but I won’t be mad if I show up and step out too. Stay tuned...

Psalm 139:13-14

13 For you created my inmost being;    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,    I know that full well.

[heartofshema]

Joyful Joyful

For those that happen to be reading this, this is simply a series of journal entries documenting the mental happenings of my life. Now that I have the Heart of Shema Instagram page going, I want to make these entries more consistent. Journaling is a really good meditative practice I want to start keeping up with more, and I also feel like I have to practice what I preach. 3 months since posting is not as long as other breaks, but 2020 definitely feels like a year to document and reflect more than years past.

I'm writing this in a very serene, pretty much empty park. I think I was drawn to writing here today because it feels so starkly different than everything going on in the world right now. Ms. Rona seems far from finished, and the racial injustices being brought to light these past few weeks have only soaked my timelines with more trauma than I can physically and mentally bear sometimes. As a black person trying to live in this country, in the worst ways this all feels like a dream. Sitting in this quiet park feels like a dream too in contrast with what;s happening. It’s been really difficult to have a grounded sense of time since March so I think internally I’ve just let that task go. In a way it’s actually been very freeing to not know what day it is for the past 2 months. 

In trying to grasp for some sense of reality I'm really happy I decided to start a mental health page (previously linked above). I didn’t know at the time, but being able to release content and connect people to resources related to mental health would not only be a gift to those around me that I love, but to me as well. I mentioned in my previous post that I was spending the earlier part of the year taking a mental inventory, and the quarantine period only made that desire to unpack so much more possible. For better or worst I've never been closer to my thoughts, and I've been able to really build an awareness of my relationship with myself. In this very emotionally fluid summer I haven’t felt my best spiritually and that’s probably for a lot of reasons. I haven’t been able to go to a church for a few months physically and I did not realize how much organized events had a direct tie to how much I feel God present in my week, but it makes complete sense. Also not having to lead anybody spiritually the past few weeks has been really restorative and is giving me much needed time for my own spiritual healing, but I’m aware much of my energy I can put toward growing spiritually is primarily geared toward how I can shepherd those around me well. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to keep in mind for the time being. Aside from all of that I have been really happy spending time with me. 

I’m in the process of searching the internet for hours (dispersed) looking for grad school opportunities and trying to map out some sort of timeline after I graduate (Spring 2021 fingers crossed). Recently I’ve realized for the longest time I’ve only really mentally invested in my future up until undergrad. And now its time to sit and start dreaming about the what’s after and its both life-giving and anxiety-inducing all in the same breath. At the moment I’m trying to cultivate some joy in my life that won’t be as easily swayed with whichever way the wind blows. How can I galvanize my joy with resilience in these times? I really don't know what else this year has in store. And I think a part of me is glad that I don't. I don’t know how much present joy I would search for if I knew bad things were coming. In reality they say bad things will always come. So really my joy for today and the joy I hope to find tomorrow has to be independent of what negativity is or isn't going to come my way. I think that’s what I'm learning. I pray things will get better for all us, really soon.

James 1:2-3 

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

[heartofshema]

Where Have You Come From?

It’s about time for an update! It’s actually very overdue, seeing as the last one was toward the end of the summer. I just read that last post over and I mentioned that I’m “as excited as I am confused” for the upcoming season, and I can confidently say that the confusion is still going strong. The past few months have been a whirlwind of experiences, and 2020 has evidently shown us all within the first two/three months that it has not come to play. At the start of the year I outlined a collection of goals/resolutions, all revolving around taking inventory and checking in with where I’m at in different areas (and loving myself more!). 

I describe this time as being similar to when you’re DEEP cleaning your room and you start by taking everything out. Boxes, books, clothes - everything’s turned on it’s head. And you spend the time taking a look and unpacking a box, sifting through whats good to keep or better to toss away, and moving on the to the next thing. That’s exactly how my brain has been ticking the past few weeks. And just as I love to clean, I’m indulging in this process of unpacking and repackaging my internal inventory. But its hard work! Seeing a mental health  professional (seriously consider doing that if you aren't already) and talking intentionally with friends and mentors has gone such a long way, but a lot of the inner work has really been up to me myself and I. What have I been carrying in my head/heart, and why? Why did I choose to do that thing, or why haven’t I started working on this thing? Really assessing what I’ve been building and what I’m building towards has been the theme of my life these past few months.

Though my spiritual life has admittedly felt lackluster the past few weeks (praying that changes soon), I did come across something interesting in my time of processing and healing from past and present experiences. Hagar was an Egyptian slave in the Bible that Sarah and Abraham used to give themselves a son, Ishmael. You can read it for yourself in Genesis 16, but essentially Sarah makes this woman have a baby for her and then gets upset at Hagar for not liking her. So Sarah mistreats her, and Hagar takes her child and runs away. However, as she’s running away someone ‘heavenly’ stops her and asks “Where have you come from and where are you going?” This questions stuns me. I feel as though its odd for this person to ask the two fold question in this moment, but I think it’s significant that as this woman is between her choices she is being asked this existential inquiry. 

This describes where I feel I’m at very accurately. I feel as though I’ve managed to perform some sort of escape from the life I had been trying to build for myself in comfort and fear of taking risks, and now I’m being thrown this query of what exactly have I escaped from, and where am I trying to go from here? Earlier in my life this question was a lot more fun to answer because I wasn’t really making an effort to change my circumstances, but as I think about my future next year graduating college (ha), all the roles I’m juggling right now and in the near future, and what choices I’m making in my social and academic life, it could not be a better time to look through my boxes. It may seem overwhelming to tackle both of these inquiries at once, but it makes a lot of sense. 

Our future is (as much as we don’t want to believe) deeply connected to our past and what we’ve gone through. Our past experiences give us the tools to handle what’s coming, and I’m learning that nothing goes unused in our story. Identifying what’s been weighing me down and assessing what attitudes don’t serve me anymore gives me the room I need in my heart to take in what’s out there for me to receive in the near (or far) future. The future is actually a lot easier to think about when you sit yourself next to what mountains and valleys you’ve already crossed. There’s nothing new under the sun. And one of the best things about this time is that its also a great way to love and yourself that no one can take away from you. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know I need to clean up before I get there. That’s it. This is the end of the post lol. 

Genesis 16:7-8

7 The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur.8 And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?”

“I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.

[heartofshema]

Full-Time Fool for Jesus

It’s about that time again, an update! Exciting, I know. As my summer is wrapping up I’m pushing out one of these so I don’t feel bad 6 months to a year from now when I can’t remember what was going through my mind around this time. The summer season has the potential to look like so many different things for us; rest, pressing in, education, challenges, work (mostly synonymous with challenges). My summer always seems to end up being a mixture of all of these. 

This summer is really significant because it seems to be a pivotal point for my life, similar to the part of a relay where two runners are meeting each other to pass the baton. So much has already happened this year and it feels like I have this quick breath to take before I have to jump in to the next sprint. But after pressing in this summer at home I think I’m ready. I think spaces of pause and hiding are important but I never want to stay forever. Even my original space of rest is changing so much. My home church is so different since I left it last semester it feels like I’ve been left behind even more than I already felt. As I get more intimate with Jesus and know His heart more and more I can’t help but feel the distance its creating from cultural ideals that motivated me in the past but stunted my growth in my unique journey. 

A big theme for the summer has been my future and what it should and is going to look like. Education, career, location, relationships, ministry, and all that jazz. I’ve gotten so many eye rolls and raised eyebrows as my future is asked about or brought up this summer alone that I almost feel embarrassed towards the end of it. It’s been hard because for such a long time I’ve put my standards of success and achievement in the hand of others that I’ve been told to respect and trust, when really it should be in God’s hands. And I’m realizing this summer that God doesn't want to share His glory with anyone. And to be fair he’s put in most of the work thus far so I can’t blame Him. A lot of the time I want to believe that I can have God’s hand in my life and be assured the approval of others at the same time, but that’s not a promise I’ve heard. I could live my life wholly in God’s will and there’s a chance the people I care to see understand my faithfulness may never get there and continually pierce me with judgement, and it’s a scary thought for me. 

I feel this really beautiful passion stirring inside of me for what God may want to do through me and it feels like a treasure that must be kept safe. Comparing myself to others and doubting what I’m capable of and my access to resources will benefit nobody but the Devil. So as I look ahead I’m trusting in God’s goodness that He will not only bring what He’s started to completion in the midst of my messy life but also in the messiness of all these lives around me, cause whew chile...

Regardless of all this I’m doing the electric slide into this new season of leadership and responsibility, taking over as the President for my InterVarsity chapter and starting a new job as an RA (Jesus be a fence). I’m as excited as I am confused, but we’re looking forward to it anyway. There’s a peace that I find in knowing that God is keeping the fullness of my immediate and distant future undisclosed for a reason, and I’m praying it’s for good. I’m continuously living in the now and not yet, understanding that me and Jesus are riding this wave together but he’s also still on the way. And I cant wait to see His face for real. I’m so thankful for the people and spaces that Jesus has trusted me with, and I’m just trying to see to it that I rep Him well enough until I can say I’m truly home. 

With Love,

     Your favorite Fool for Jesus 

John 6:27 

Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.

[heartofshema]

To Be Loved...

It’s been a hot minute but here we are. I just blinked in the new year and now 2019 is almost halfway done. This past semester (Spring 2019) was definitely one for the books. As painful as some parts were for me, looking back at it I can confidently say that God is in the process of making all of it beautiful in a way that only He can orchestrate. There are already glimmers of hope and beauty that I’ve found while pressing in to very deep and broken parts of myself, and while leading others into seeking the beauty in their brokenness as well. I will always be grateful for the ways God allows the narratives of my community to overlap and intersect in ways that we couldn't have planned ourselves.

Coming into the last few weeks of the semester I really did feel overdrawn in my emotional/spiritual/mental bank account. I think naturally I’ve been inclined to give what I have because a part of me knows it wasn't really my own to begin with; I am where I am because someone else was gracious. With that, I gave a lot of loans away frequently with little to no interest (don’t know if these finance allusions are landing but we’re going with it). I had this really rough week towards the end where I was put in a position to ask a lot of people for favors and small ways they could help me as I wrap up and try to move out and finish well. I hated it. There was a deep part of me that hated the idea that I needed people to get things done. I’m currently in a season where I’m confronting my ideologies about loneliness and relationships and it seemed as though all that existential thinking couldn't come at a worst time. But all together it actually put me in my place, and started me on the right path.

There was a part of me I discovered that needed to allow myself be loved and served by others. I’m afforded the privilege of being able to turn away favors and work independently most of the time if I wanted to, but going through that ‘time of need’ week and reflecting on my semester in general made me realize how essential it is to be loved just as much as you are loving others. My personality tests will tell you I’m the helper and advocate, which often times leaves me and my needs and desires out of the picture until further notice. But I’m slowly growing in this appreciation of God’s favor in my life that allows me to lean onto people that will support me and understand that I don't have it all together most of the time. After the semester ended, I spent a week in the hometown of one of my best friends and it was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Just to relax and be at the mercy of his kindness and hospitality really made me so aware of the ways I haven't done much of that since I’ve been here in college for the last 2 years. I’ve been so privy to giving myself away and laying my life that I forgot I need to intentionally allow people to lay their lives for me too.

I think about how Jesus allowed His disciples to get Him food when He was waiting for the woman at the well in John 4, or anytime he accepted people’s invitation to stay at their homes. Jesus made it a practice to accept love from others. Bearing in mind He’s the Son of God and most definitely deserves anything we can offer him, I think he was showing us another dimension of discipleship and servanthood. As I enter into a new stage of life with more responsibilities and as I grow deeper in my identity and callings, I need to not only take this sentiment with me as I journey but prioritize it. Am I going to be generous with my time and give it to others to love me well? Am I going to let others serve me in ways I could fulfill myself, just to give them the chance to show their love for me? I think letting others love you brings humility and allows us to grow in a posture of self-aware insufficiency that we all need to bring us closer to the feet of Jesus. Jesus lives and loves through His children, are we going to let Jesus love us? 

Now I’m going to take a nap.

1 John 4:11-12 

11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

[heartofshema]

Taking a Breath

I think it’s really important after periods of time to sit back and reflect and what the heck just took place and what you need to take away from that. From start to finish this year (2018) has been a crazy journey. Even the last four months felt like a whole year on its own, but it also flew by in 2 minutes (how does that even work?).

I think the purpose of a lot of this year has been to mature me internally and prepare me spiritually for stepping out into the world as I further transition from my adolescence. For this post I’m just going to drop some gems I’ve learnt and need to hold onto as I wait in expectation for what God has coming up for me:

He’s the same God. The same God that protected me and kept me from perishing in my past will be the same God that keeps me for whatever comes in the future. His faithfulness is a testament to His ability to always be there for me, now and forever.

Be forgiving in the present. There are people and situations that have hurt me but are still a present reality and I need to learn and continue to forgive them in the moment, I can’t wait until after it’s all over. My heart can begin healing during the storm. 

God orders my steps. People have been calling me an angel recently, and I honestly don’t know how it makes me feel. It’s flattering and I appreciate the affirmation, but I would like people to know that it’s God that carries me through situations and allows me to walk with people with a grace that only He could be providing. If in some small way I can be part of God’s masterpiece, it’s both an honor and a privilege and I need not take it for granted.

You are an elected exile. I’ve been chosen for such a time as this, but there’s a promised place beyond this season that God is calling me home to. 

Sowing and Reaping. I need to keep pouring into people, that is how I seek God’s face. I’m reaping what God has already been working on forever. There is so much love to be given and so much ways to serve, I just have to find it and give myself up for it. I must continue to lay my life for who God calls me to. 

Carrying on. People have trusted a lot of things with me to carry on, and it’s in my best interest and in the best interest of those around me that I uphold and treasure these qualities and assignments. I’m called to be a voice that unites people, and in places where I see injustice or places where God is not being centered I need to speak up. I need to continue to steward the gifts God has given me well, and strive to grow in them. 

Psalm 103:20-22

20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,    you mighty ones who do his bidding,    who obey his word. 21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,    you his servants who do his will. 22 Praise the Lord, all his works    everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

[heartofshema]

Grace to Overcome

I joke sometimes and say my life has become an award-winning soap opera; really messy with a splash of comedic relief all to keep the audience coming back. I think Jesus really sits up there pulling a Shonda Rhimes on my time here in college. It’s all working for my good (as the scripture says), but I wonder sometimes why God has to make it all so complex. I had a really amazing encounter a few months ago with someone who definitely changed the way I think about the life I live and allowed me to appreciate the value in all that I am. I think we’re all destined to meet people who bring out some of the best parts of us.

I’ve struggled a lot in the past in terms of close friendships, so this really was a healing experience for me, they’ve become sort of family for me. My mid season finale approached when I found out they would be leaving to change lifestyles soon in a different state, only having known them for about two months. We joke around and say we’re actually a real life Wicked Musical (apparently I’m Glinda, I’m still deciding how I feel about that). 

It’s this tragic but honestly beautiful season for me; two people are privileged to have crossed paths and in a short amount of time see the best in each other and share in their bleeding hearts, given just enough to time to form a friendship that’s feels like it was always supposed to happen, only to look into the near future and find that they have to separate with no immediate promise of seeing each other again. I think knowing this we made sure to let the other know everything on our hearts for each other, which has left me with this sort of peace about the whole thing. God’s plan is elaborate and complicated and if we sat around trying to figure out what He’s trying to get at in the end our brains would fry.

I think in the past I’ve tried to do this too many times, only to end up holding unreasonable grudges with people and questioning God’s intention in His plans for me; was I only meant to suffer and lose what I love? There’s a beauty when you step back and see what God has allowed to happen, and all you can do is be in awe. I think when we truly appreciate God’s goodness in His plan for us and believe He’s working for our best interest we actually receive God’s grace to overcome what would otherwise be a heartbreaking experience.

I have taken some time to grieve and reminisce over accepting this ‘loss’ in my life, and things that didn't come into fruition during this season. But in that I also have this deep peace and understanding that God gifted me with a moment to treasure, and my time is better spent thanking Him and speaking of His goodness than complaining on how I could have had more time or gave them one more hug. There’s going to be a season for everything under the sun, and God makes everything He’s allowed to happen beautiful in its own time (Ecclesiastes 3), and I think it’s an invitation for us to have faith that God is a simply building up His final masterpiece. I think it’s going to be worth the wait.

Hebrews 6:10

For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do.

[heartofshema]

Things Already Better

Well it’s been a hot minute; but I’ve returned from hiding. 

My semester so far has been much more of a mess than I tried to anticipate. A lot of different parts of my life has been overbearing and a little too much to handle all at one time. Just when I think I’ve come over a hump, situations just start to be more complex and prolonged. In the midst of all this I’ve had a lot to be thankful for; my small groups are doing well and I’ve met some super awesome people that I didn't expect to encounter, and I’m growing closer with people I already knew. 

I’ve been feeling really detached from home. The idea and comfort of home has been really distorted for me; I really miss the home I left a year ago and the dynamics have changed now where its never really going to be the same again. I’m here in Tampa ‘living my best life’ with awesome people I can call my family but I know this home is temporary and changing too and can only comfort for so long. This idea of passing away has been running through head for weeks now. The idea that everything we’ve built and formed on earth is destined to be nothing when Jesus comes again. Structures we’ve built for comfort and systems we’ve made for easefullness and good living will all pass away, leaving only the perfect to stand. 

I’m seeing this reality more and more and some of my relationship dynamics are changing and things I used to treasure in my friendships are passing away, with no promise of returning. I’ve been feeling alone in my experiences and kind of hopeless in this feeling that nothing or nobody I’m holding on to will ever stay the same. I’ve been in a position where I can’t just sit back and let change happen, but I have to move and make decisions in accordance to what and where I think God is trying to lead me. In all this I don’t wonder where God is because I can feel Him at work, but I wonder when are things actually just going to be okay...will they ever?

I was reminded of this song last week that’s sung at my first church all the time, the main message is that because the Lord is on your side things are already better. When I remembered it I immediately felt a jolt of confidence and peace. My life looks so messy and I can’t see the end of it all but in God’s eyes its all working together for my good. In that future hope and trust in His promise the things I’m struggling with are already better, because I know God has a plan for it all. I may not always be faithful to trusting His promise but thankfully He always stays faithful to His, whether I trust Him or not. It’s this promise that I;m going to have joy in and probably flop along the way, but I want to trust more and more in God’s love for me because God’s love is perfect and will last forever. 

1 Corinthians 13:8-10 

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

[heartofshema]

When He Waits...

Initially when I came back home this summer, It felt as though I had left my spirituality on campus, mostly due to not having the demands of college ministry on my hands for a while. I managed to get into a little routine to ensure I still kept up with some form of quiet time, and soon thereafter my reason for needing that quiet time and intimacy became apparent to me.

There’s this list of things in my life that I chose to put on the back-burner day-to-day during the semester because they weren't as pressing to me as a paper or a small group planning session, but inevitably those things always find a way to creep up once you have the time to think and deal with them. Specifically, I’ve recently had to let go of something that used to be very dear to my heart and what I thought was essential to my identity; which was also where the issue lied. I think for a long time I chose to ignore the toxicity of what I was trying to hold on to and preserve it because that was what I found value and worth in as an individual prior to submitting life to Jesus. 

For a long time I’d compromise what I thought was okay, and altered my standards in order to manage any cognitive dissonance (shout-out to Social Psych last semester) to live with something I knew wasn’t sustainable. But when the time came around again to reconsider what I’m going to stand for in relation to what I’d been cradling, I realized it was my relationship with Jesus on the chopping block, and because of that, the way I handled this cycle had to be different because that’s something that I now have to put first. Honestly speaking, by identifying the toxicity this time around along with the understanding that I have all that I need to live a fulfilled and bountiful life through Jesus, it wasn’t all that hard to say goodbye. 

I thank God for a being someone that’s sometimes gracious enough to wait until I’m ready to let go of something, rather than just forcefully taking it away. The choice was in my hands to decide if I wanted to tolerate this season or bring it to an end, and I think it’s beautiful that in the fullness of time God let me make that decision for myself, telling me that He’s with me every step of the way. I think this act of Him waiting and allowing us to move in accordance to His will gives us the freedom and confidence in the spirit that He longs for us to have in the first place, once we submit our lives to him and allow His hand to have coverage over our life. It also just allows you to reflect in the growth you’ve experienced from a time when you never thought things could be different, but here you are now trusting and believing. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.

[heartofshema]

So Will I

Recently I’ve come into a deeper understanding of the dimensions of following God’s leading. Stories like Jonah in the bible that I grew up hearing help us in learning that a major part of following God’s leading involves obeying his instructions. If we claim that God is Lord of our lives then we submit ourselves to listen and respond to what he assigns us to do for Him. If we revere and serve a King, we’re going to follow the King’s orders (we’ll give Jonah a break on this one). 

However, there’s another facet to God’s Lordship that can’t be overlooked, and this is the idea of following in Gods example. Though indirect and sometimes implicitly commanded, I believe following God;s leading also encompasses taking a page from His book and living a life lead by what He’s done for us. Essentially the love that we receive from God is also an invitation to share that love with other people. Specifically Jesus lead a life and ministry on earth that we can observe and implement in our own walk with Him. Maybe we won’t be getting beaten and crucified anytime soon, but I think the essence of the gospel and and fruit of Jesus’ faith in His ministry is calling us to strive to do the same in our own lives. Jesus gave all of his life to be a blessing to others, and I think if we are truly going to follow God’s leading then we have to say so will I (yes it’s a song I will link it down below)...just some food for thought. Happy Sunday!

1 Peter 2:21

To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

[heartofshema]

About this Blog

What is Heart of Shema? Above all Heart of Shema is a blog that serves as an online journal. The Hebrew word ‘shema’ is used throughout the bible (specifically in the old testament) and refers to hearing, but its meaning differs based on its context and usage. When shema is used it can have a dual meaning of listening and responding, or hearing and doing. Ultimately I wish not only for this blog to be a collection of ideas that I wish to document, but a medium to explore the heart of shema, or the value in listening and responding to your own narrative, the narrative of others, and above all to God’s will. 

Who runs it? My name is Alex and I’m pursuing a career in mental health in the US; I’m originally from The Bahamas (born and raised) but I choose to study abroad to gain some exposure, and fell into a calling I wasn’t necessarily looking for. I love Jesus a lot. Things that I passionately pursue as it relates to following Jesus include justice, ethnicity awareness, stewarding life-giving relationships, and above all love. 

What will you find here? Thoughts and Stuff is just a collection of thoughts (duh) that have crossed my path that I want to remember/document in some fashion: just simple commentary on a topic I’ve come across or wrestled with. Maybe something else random now and again. 

[heartofshema]

Wrapping Up - First Year

Honestly I just feel like I started college a month ago; time literally flew by so quickly. Whenever I think about how different my life looked a couple months ago it blows my mind. I didn’t come with any burning ambition to serve people or challenge myself spiritually, but here I am doing just that. Leading small groups and being able to learn and share about Jesus weekly has allowed me to understand a lot more about myself than I probably wanted to know before coming. 

I didn't realize how afraid I was about looking in (being introspective), and even though people commend me for my vulnerability there’s always parts of myself that I just wouldn't explore for the sake of my own conscience and pride. Breaking these walls down and letting people in had to be one of the best decisions I could have made for myself this semester, and I’ve met and have come to know so many awesome people that I can turn to for support and who also can turn to me. I find that they all have experiences and have lived lives that I’ll never get the chance to experience, so its amazing to be let in and allowed the space to mutually explore what God has done and is doing in our lives.  

Coming into my second semester and beginning to lead was such a wild time, just jumping in and serving my people as the broken person that I am. Leading Black students and Caribbean students on campus challenged my insecurities weekly, as to not feeling black or even Caribbean enough to host a group of them, and not feeling capable of giving anybody something new or exciting to leave with. But seeing God’s faithfulness in not only encouraging people to come but also encouraging them to stay and contribute (more or less haha) for some reason I cant explain, warms my heart and also rekindles my fire for leading in a beautiful and healing way. I feel parts of my character and the gifts God has given to me have blossomed, being able to live my life in a way that looks a lot different than just attending classes and going to some parties. My passion for ethnic identity and multi-ethnicity has also been revealed as a result of giving so much of my time and energy to understanding what that really means for us as Children of God and receivers of the Kingdom. 

Apart from everything to do with leadership, personally I’ve been challenged and stretched in ways I really wish I could say I didn't sign up for. Many long nights and conversations between me and people and me and God has brought me to the conclusion that sometimes you really don’t know what you’re singing up for until you step in. Its crazy how even in this short amount of time I could look back and see different seasons I was in and struggled and other seasons when things were alright in my relationships with others and with God. 

One of the last things I had to confront and tackle before leaving school was holding on to old seasons. Sometimes I think I get too caught up in what happened and what I loved and I just don’t want to let that go. I look back and reminisce which is nice and all, but then comparison strikes; why don’t I have now what I had then? I had to realize that all seasons come from the same hand, and I need to trust God that any season that’s to come is going to be just as valuable as the ones that had passed. If anything, these seasons to come are worth a lot more because God can do something I haven't seen yet, something new. As I write this from back home (Bahamas), I’m just really grateful for this new chapter in my life and the opportunity to go back and continue come August. In the mean time, I’ll be doing a lot of reading and reflecting, a lot of which will probably end up on this blog. To whoever reads this have a beautiful summer and get some rest!

Isaiah 43:19

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

[heartofshema]

Whom are you seeking?

In trying to heal parts of your identity, there’s something so valuable in being vulnerable with your past, and going back to places that seem dark. Many times we experience ‘small’ events and have had relationships that Jesus has allowed us to suffer through or be burdened by, but He fully intended to bring us out of. Jesus has always stayed faithful in my life, especially when I’ve doubted what He’s doing. 

Mary Magdalene’s actions after Jesus had risen from the tomb has revealed a lot to me about the way I’ve been interacting with some of my situations lately. Jesus has brought me out of a lot, and I can say with confidence that His grace has been sufficient in that I’m alleviated of the baggage I once carried. But I must admit that there are times when I want to go back and see if I can find any remnants of what used to own my attention. Mary goes back to visit the dead and cries when she doesn’t see it where she left it. She goes back to what’s been buried as if it’s alive. I’m not sure if I’m making complete sense as I’m writing this pretty late in the night, but I feel recently I’ve been looking for life and hope among dead situations. 

I’m thankful that God sent angels to ask Mary the hard questions; “Whom are you seeking?” When I decide to go back to my past, I have to ask myself “What am I looking for?” in an old relationship, or a conflict that had been resolved and conquered. Looking forward, I have to make an effort to look ahead for what Jesus has for me, rather than trying to salvage the broken parts that He’s freed me from. 

John 20:11-18

11 But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb. 12 And she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet.13 They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” 14 Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus. 15 Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” 16 Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned and said to him in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher). 17 Jesus said to her, “Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”18 Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”—and that he had said these things to her.

[heartofshema]

The Shield of Favor

The idea of God’s favor has almost never been far from my understanding. Growing up in my church back home, God’s favor was something mentioned almost every week. I was taught that as children of God, His favor is entitled to us as long as we submit to Him. Whether it was financial struggles like debt or bills, or relational struggles with family or romantic ties, we could count on this idea of God ‘breaking the rules’ for us. 

Favor is one of those things that we can’t earn, much like other things given from God like grace and His unconditional love. Though we can pray for God’s favor in our situations, I believe its something that God has to willingly give on His own accord. I think we can see favor when things happen or shift in ways we can’t explain through normal means; something or someone had to be making moves completely separate from our own actions.   

I was reading through a chapter in Psalm the other day where favor is described as a ‘shield’ that protects us, and it honestly threw me off for a second. I had never heard favor descried in that way before. Favor to me had always seemed like an advancement, or some kind of progress. But the favor described by David in this passage seems to allude to something different. How foolish was I to think I had this immeasurable concept down packed?

This idea speaks to a lot of things that I’ve even observed in my own life, but I hadn’t really had the right words for it, or I had interpreted it in a different way. This scripture assures me that adversity will always come. Comforting right? Why would God need to protect us if he could just stop the adversity or affliction itself? Personally, knowing that adversity will always seek me out, leads me to always seek hope and protection in someone that I know can do it for me. The ‘Shield of Favor’ is entitled to me, just as favor in my premature sense also is entitled to me. 

Growing up on my Mother’s side of the family I had six male cousins, so getting into fights ‘for fun’ was an obligation. We would all be babysat by my Grandmother, where all hell would break loose. Usually the disagreements would come by me not wanting to fight or play any rough games, but being pressured into playing anyway. When this would happen, or when I would go a little too far with the physicality (I mean they were asking for it), I could always run to my Grandmother for a safe haven. It didn’t matter how much of it was my fault, it didn't matter how angry my cousins were, and it didn't matter how fed up she was with whatever was on her mind; I could always run and lay with her and everything would be alright in my world. This is the same feeling I have when it comes to this shield that God has promised me in His word, and I’m very thankful. 

Psalm 5:11-12

11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. 12 For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as with a shield.

[heartofshema]

Using Me Where I’m At

Being the hot mess that I am (refer to gif for visual reference), I’ve recently been wondering why God uses those who are broken or those who are struggling with an abundance of issues. Referring to me specifically, I was just so puzzled as to how He not only allows me but enables me to lead two small groups and invest in other people when I can’t decide what I want for dinner, nevertheless deal with my personal problems efficiently. 

As I uncover more and more about the root of where some of my issues originate, my wonder grows larger: why does God use me? Understanding that I’m loved and cherished by Him is hard enough, but to grasp the idea that He sees me as capable enough to carry out His mission has been a long shot. It took some prayer and discussion with other people, but I had to realize that God actually uses me where I’m at because He just loves me that much.

I think of it kind of like that parent that lets you wash the car or fold the laundry even though they know well before that you’re going to do a horrible job. But the love they have for you is actually reflected in the assignment they give you. God sees us as not only worthy of His love but worthy enough to carry out His perfect will in our own imperfect ways. The perfect enables the imperfect, it’s kind of cool to think about. 

I also think about how as I come to realize certain things about my own problems, God uses that knowledge to assist people in their own. Almost like he planned for it to happen way...who knew? God uses me because I’m a witness and I’m equipped with His love and grace and forgiveness that I can share with who I encounter. 

This was a collection of jumbled thoughts but I hope something could be taken away from all this ramble; don’t stress stay blessed!

Ephesians 1:4-5

4 Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will. 

[heartofshema]

Under Construction

I feel like we’re all a piece of work somewhere in our lives. Whether that’s close or romantic relationships, professional life, or gluttonous habits (yea I’m talking to me), I believe we’re all under construction in the house of our life. I also feel for those who let Jesus in, he appoints himself as the head carpenter (funny how he actually was one right?) 

This concept came to me as I’ve been dealing with my identity in God and my identity in the world and how its been broken and damaged, and asking God to ‘fix me up’. I feel like my house wasn’t even built up right in the first place. I see holes in the wall, leaks in the roof, and I wonder how I let myself live so unfinished and unrefined. Identifying that I had a problem was the first step, and allowing Jesus to come I feel was the most important one. 

However, I feel like I didn’t really understand what I signed up for. Right now being patient with myself is really difficult, as I want to see progress in my life and see the fruit produced in me and around me, but yet I wait still broken and in deep need of a repair. But I came to realize that for Jesus to do a work in me he’d have to show me what all needed to be worked on, a damage appraisal if you will. I think we all would dread someone having to inspect our house and give us the crazy price needed to fix it up. But I feel this step is just as important as the repair, because how much will you appreciate the repair if you don’t know the damage?

So as I wait for Jesus to give me his appraisal, I sit in this weird place spiritually as I come into a better awareness day by day of what parts of me I need to give to Jesus, and just how bad the damage is. From there, I can really feel and see how he’s working on me because I’ve ‘counted the cost’ before letting the Potter do his thing. I’m also reminded that even as I’m coming into a better awareness of my brokenness, that understanding in itself is healing because I have the faith Jesus will do all that he must to restore and redeem these parts of me that I rather pretend doesn’t exist. 

Jeremiah 18 

1 The word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: 2“Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.” 3 So I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was working at his wheel. 4 And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.