heartz4tob

[heartz4tob]

28/10/24 6:50

welp i uhm got you back now !! kinda embarrassing but im happy you followed me back c:

[heartz4tob]

26/10/24 23:09

here we are again toby.. i really can't let you go. i love you so so so so so much. never stopped praying for you. i hope God protects you, guides you towards becoming an ephesians 5 man and finding your proverbs 31 woman. may He allow you to succeed in your academics and sports. again, Godspeed always toby ilysm 💗

[heartz4tob]

25/09/24 19:51

i know i said id leave you alone but i can't help but still love and care for you deeply. you're rooted in my heart and it's hard to stop. i may do lots of bad things but i will never stop loving you. loving you is as easy as breathing for me. you're my mind my heart my everything. i really do love you toby. i'm sorry. wishing you Godspeed always 💗

[heartz4tob]

25/08/24 23:59

i made the decision to stop caring so much about you. gosh how stupid i was for pouring my heart out to God about you when i didn't cross yours once. i'm gonna say this one more time. i have deleted all evidence of you in my camera roll, i cut off the long hair that i treasured that i thought you would've liked, i blocked all your friends and the reminders of you that would be an obstacle in this journey. but one last time i want to recap on everything since i've fallen for you:

the moment i saw you in whoever's post i knew i would fall head over heels for you. you stood out to everyone in that photo and i was determined to know who you were. once i found out your name through stalking everyone you knew, i became obsessed well not until after qasim. i fell in love with the idea of you knowing nothing about your life other than the basic stuff.

i really wanted to know you toby. i wish you knew that. the day i followed you on instagram i didn't know if you'd follow back (i wish you didn't, this wouldn't have happened) when you did that's when all hell broke loose. and when i found out that you won poty award, i was so so proud of you. you will never know how proud i am of you toby. and when i found out you got an academic award for whatever you achieved i was beyond proud of you. i am your biggest and no.1 supporter.

but i was obsessed with getting your attention and getting you to notice me. i'd follow up on everything about you, i was desperate for your love. and when i found out you could've loved another i crashed out. i unfollowed you and wanted you out my mind in hopes that "out of sight, out of mind" would work. it didn't. it made me even more obsessed with you.

and when i saw you days after i tried removing you from my life, i was so kilig to the bone. the way you smiled and the way you looked under the sunlight made me melt. (no pun intended) like why did you have to look? i get it my mom honked the horn but you looked at me? ME? i actually wish your eyes never met mine.

i love you toby but im not letting you take over my mind, heart and life. you've brought me nothing but doubt and stress. you made me skitz out night after night making me change myself in ways so i could look appealing to you. i've prayed to God for 30 minutes just to get an answer. you will never know what i said. you made me believe there were good people in the world but at what cost? you made me happy and miserable all at once. how is that possible? i will never forget all the sadness you made me feel but if you ever need me my arms are wide open for you. i am not waiting for you anymore but my heart will continue to wish you Godspeed until we die. good luck with your basketball stuff and good luck in the next academic year.

and this is not my position to say but if you ever feel bad about yourself please consider my thoughts. if you saw yourself through my rose tinted glasses you'd never have a bad thought of yourself again. no matter how much people tell me, i think you're perfect in my eyes. God made you with so much love and care that i can practically see Jesus Christ through you. you're beautiful and you'll never hear me say that. (Solomon 4:7)

i wish nothing but the best for you. and one day i hope you find a woman of God who treats you perfectly. a proverbs 31 woman. i pray that she builds you to become an ecclesiastes 5 man. im so sorry but ive had enough. i've had enough of all the doubt and sadness loving you brought to me. although this whole thing put me through some tough stuff in not going to be a liar and say it was a waste. i enjoyed my little fancy for you even if it meant tears being shed. i mean hey, that's life. loving you made me realize that love can be silent and that i can love someone without knowing them properly and with no words exchanged. you made me believe that i do indeed hold love in my heart and it isn't all just bad in the world.

i truly believed it was you and me. and if my prayers are answered and we are in Gods plan i hope when we meet again in the future that we make it, and i intend on waiting forever if that's the case. (Genesis 29:20). cause gosh i wanted it to be you so bad. but if it's not you then that's okay and i'll learn to be okay with it. and to be honest i really do not see myself loving someone that's not you, i hoped it was you from the beginning. and i pray if it's not you and me in this lifetime that it's you and me in the next one. "sa susunod na habang buhay" is associated with your name in my heart.

but if you did reciprocate the love i have for you, i'd be the best you'll ever have. the love i have for you is unhealthy at this point. and in all honesty i was more pulled in by the idea of loving you than building my relationship with God first. i'd be as loyal as a dog to you. you could break my heart 1 million times and i would still rather that over giving it to someone else. gosh toby i love you so much. the love that i have for you in my heart needed more space so i planted the love i have for you in things i loved too. i envied anything you loved knowing ill never be those things. inanimate or not. how crazy do i sound right now?

you looked like a prayer i made to God about my future husband and i was gutted realizing that you may not be that. i know deep down that you're a good guy toby. don't let that potential go to waste and please don't be consumed by the bad people around you. keep your dreams alive and i just pray and i pray so hard that you end up succeeding in what you aspire to do. if you can't be with me i pray you be with God. build that relationship between you and Jesus. keep going. i'm here on the sidelines rooting for you.

please, if you feel like the world is mean to you, run to me. call out for me and i'll be there for you. i'm an idiot for you.

this whole account made me realize how deluded i am. and i don't think i can go like this for longer before i actually go skitzo, and, for the last time,

i love you toby. goodbye. 💗

[heartz4tob]

21/08/24 13:06

"i saw you met somebody and im jealous as hell that i can't even stomach loving somebody else. i think about these things at night before i fall asleep. things i wish you said to me." 😕

[heartz4tob]

19/08/24 12:23

i will never forget how you looked at me that day. i could've sworn there was love in your eyes as you smiled and gave me a nod.

[heartz4tob]

18/08/24 00:24

when am i gonna be okay not being yours?

[heartz4tob]

15/08/24 21:30

i don't know why but i just walk away from what i want the most. without fail. it's so stupid it's like i'm holding myself back from feeling something. like whenever i love someone too much i pull away almost immediately. and then after i do i see them in real life and it makes all the feeling come back. i always think i'm better off alone and that i'm capable of feeling okay without their presence, without their name on my phone, without their notification or without their name on my views. but all i genuinely want is love. pure, God given love. my rib cage. i just want someone for myself you know? it's like everyone i've ever loved belonged to someone else. i don't wanna call it a waste of time but all the tears and all the doubt and stress that i've gotten from the these past people have broken me bit by bit. i'm trying to be as patient as i can but everyone around me is finding their person and i'm just there. i'm not physically attractive in any way so it makes the pain sting a bit more. and yet i'm still loyal as a dog. it takes time for me to let go and the worst thing is for me to let go i replace with someone else. why can't i find peace in being alone!?!? sometimes i think i'm not meant for anyone in this lifetime. but then again i'm only young and there's bigger problems in life. i just really really want to love someone though. and get that same love reciprocated back. i especially want to experience it with toby.. like genuinely why is it SO different with him. i acc get so giddy when i think of him and then when i saw him.. like i genuinely go to sleep in hopes that i see him there because that is the only place where we have a chance. i keep telling myself to stop waiting for him when he has his missing rib but gosh am i a sucker for waiting. id wait for him like a dog on a doorstep for its owner. my heart and head is absolutely and utterly filled with him. like whenever i see him smile, i smile. i'm a fanatic for his smiles and it's so cringe but he is super super handsome in my eyes. like wow God took his time with him and i'd be absolutely heartbroken if he thought differently. he holds such value in my life and it's ruining me. i love you so much toby. and i will continue to until i can't love you any more. wishing you Godspeed always and forever.💗

[heartz4tob]

12/08/24 23:28

i really can't love anyone after you toby, my feelings and my intentions were nothing but pure for you. all these other guys are more lusting than loving. i really wanted it to be you. ily toby. wishing you godspeed as always 💗💗

[heartz4tob]

11/08/24 15:36

my heart and head is absolutely and utterly filled with you. ily toby. 💗

[heartz4tob]

10/08/24 22:16

the leaves are turning brown, and i'm still hoping you'd come around. ily toby, wishing you godspeed. 💗