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backyard wrestling is now the only remaining avenue for attaining sainthood

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UNIT CHI-3601 CONFIRMED DEFECTOR. ALL UNITS ELIMINATE ON SIGHT. CONTINUE TO REPORT SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR TO COMMAND.

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Now available: destination simulations!

Never got to see the Eiffel Tower or the Great Ziggurat when you were alive? Now’s your chance! Visit a licensed Destination Simulation Facility to finally experience the trip of a lifetime—without any of the hassle of travel.

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IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.

Are out-of-place elements ruining your Heavenly experience?

Please let us know IMMEDIATELY of any encounters with:

Snakes

Blood

Chanting

Odd strangers

Distant smoke

Flaming swords

Wild-eyed horses dark and iridescent as an oil slick

Skeletal trees

Ravens devouring a rotting corpse

Street magicians

Faint persistent whispers just below hearing

A lingering sense of dread

Goats that speak with your mother’s voice

Gravestones with your name on them

Swarms of flies

Anyone behaving unusually (in public or in private)

Or anything else that seems like it doesn’t belong.

Remember, reporting oddities to the nearest authority is the best way to keep Heaven a safe place for us all!

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Tip for new residents: do you miss the yearly cycle of seasons?

Your PA (Personal Angel) can create all kinds of atmospheric effects to perfectly emulate Earthly seasonal conditions: cicada song, crunching leaves underfoot, and the symptoms of a pollen allergy are all available.

Please note that regardless of the effects you request, the Heavenly climate will remain a sunny 72’F with a light breeze.

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Traffic is backed up for seven hundred seventy-seven thousand miles on the intersphere highway today.

If you can, take advantage of our robust public transit system until the traffic clears.

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Reminder: you can’t get sunburned in Heaven, but we still recommend wearing sunscreen for that nostalgic warm-weather feeling.

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Fun fact: Cars DO have souls! All the cars in Heaven are actually the souls of cars that lived virtuous lives on Earth.

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Please stop sending nudes to our office.

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There is no war in heaven.

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Want to change your heavenly form? It’s easy!

Just submit forms 109, 833-2, and K06(b), along with the appropriate GWHA for both your current and your new astral corpus, to the Office of Localized Incarnations.

More info and a helpful step-by-step guide are available at the link below!

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LOST AND FOUND: if anyone is missing a large purple inner tube, a thrice-cursed dagger of demonic steel, or a white pleather jacket from H&M, please come by the Lost and Found desk.

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Reminder: you have nothing to feel guilty about. You’re here, remember?

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The golden light of a late Sunday afternoon is OUT OF STOCK at all cantinas.

In the meantime, why not try a cool gray morning when the world feels alive with possibility instead?

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Fun fact: beetles are a type of angel! They are categorized above Messengers, but below Principalities.

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UPDATE: the Joseph Gordon Elizabeth Biden Memorial Funicular Railway will be closed next week for maintenance. Shuttle buses will provide transit coverage for the affected areas. We apologize for any inconvenience.

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There is no war in heaven.