heavenburdened - Tumblr blog

[heavenburdened]

        on the cliff’s edge of winter, before the world fell into the flowery embrace of spring ; eden lovegrove came into the world.

       a crimson red christened him in the blood that would taint the early shadows of his life, his quaint fingers reached out and yearned for a comfort that would never come ; and though his lungs burned with the weight of tears to be wept, the boy did not cry. asphyxia neonatorum —— respiratory failure is what the midwife had called it. the breathless agony of life had flooded and drowned eden from the moment he was born.

       intubated plastic, solemn-faced physicians, silence —— then breath.

       ‘ good boy, ’ said the midwife. ‘ what took you so long, hm ? cry, my dear. never be ashamed of your tears. cry and everyone knows you’re alive. ’ *

       as he bloomed from a deep shade of blue to the blush of peonies, eden couldn’t possibly have understood a word of what this midwife said ; let alone have remembered. and yet, from the moment he began crying in that little hospital room in wisconsin, all throughout the long years of his life —— as if he had remembered, as if he had understood —— his tears had never stopped. eden was alive, and it was a wonderful, and breathtaking, and excruciating, and harrowing thing.

       ‘ i see it all. i feel it all. i am inspired. my eyes fill with tears.’ **

        with those sorrowful eyes of his that saw so much ; with heart-ached tears that ran like rivers down the curve of his cheek, eden ran from place to place in search of a sanctuary that could provide him refuge from the maddening, relentless, woebegone chaos of life. 

         nightmare-chased & sorrow ravaged —— in search of the pieces of his shattered, world-weary soul —— it was in this condition that eden lovegrove first found himself in kaos. on the day he’d arrived he’d walked and walked and walked ; exploring the sleepy, deeply picturesque streets in all their cobblestoned charm until his feet were sore enough to distract from the wound in his heart. 

        eden’s toes curled gently into a horizon of golden sands ; soft waves lapping at his feet as he relearned how to breathe. a softness emanated from the setting sun ; filling the broken man, full, to the bone. the world felt wide —— and for the first time in his life, on this strange and beautiful island called kaos, eden felt like he might be in exactly the right place at exactly the right time. 

          when eden collapsed into bed that night ; an unfamiliar light of hope began to glow against the jagged edges of his sorrow, and he felt in his soul that tomorrow might, perhaps, at last, be kinder to him than the woes of yesterday. as he closed his eyes ; eden felt his fingers, and toes, and body, and thoughts transform into dream dust. he tumbled into a deep and velvety slumber, and for the first time in years there were no nightmares laying in wait to devour him. in the hold of his dreams, there were no monsters —— no shadows of grief nor great valleys of sorrow.

         rather than horrors, eden dreamed of a sun-blessed place that night. there, he saw himself surrounded by people that loved him. some were people that he’d loved and lost in the past ; some people were those with names he hadn’t yet learned. but they were all there —— in that kind, soft, dream. that sanctuary.

         a sanctuary called kaos.

        eden’s woes had followed him everywhere else on earth —— but for a brief, warm moment —— in the embrace of a few kind souls, in the love of a man he thought he’d lost forever, and in his broken heart that finally began to heal, he found peace on kaos island.

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hello, my loves ♡

just as kaos was a sanctuary and home for eden ; a place that allowed him to heal, and grow, and bloom in ways that i had never anticipated, it was also a home and a place of great warmth and comfort for me, too. i poured some of the most vulnerable parts of myself into writing for eden, and every single one of you responded with nothing but love and support, and for that i am so thankful and heartened. over the past few months, as eden has healed, so too have i —— and that’s thanks to everyone here who wrote with me, and allowed me opportunities for catharsis. 

i’ve been agonising over whether or not i should leave kaos for weeks now ; and while leaving brings me a lot of sadness and i’ll miss you all very much, i know it’s the right thing for me to do right now. it’s a strange and frightening time in my life, and a strange and frightening time in the world right now ; but i am sending my love to each and everyone of you. 

thank you for everything, 

edie. ♡

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me referencing some stuff that inspired me in the rambly self-para 👀 : 

* this quote was taken from 10 minutes 38 seconds in this strange world, by elif shafak. 

** this quote was written by virginia woolf, in the waves. 

[heavenburdened]

And I, infinitesima­l being, drunk with the great starry void, likeness, image of mystery, I felt myself a pure part of the abyss, I wheeled with the stars, my heart broke loose on the wind.

Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets (via dalecooperwrites)

[heavenburdened]

 * ╰   with bastien​​​​​​​​ !

Bastien was glad to see that his proposition was well-received. There was a part of him that worried Eden might be too busy for such an odd menial task. Rather, the other had agreed with no questions asked, and that struck Bastien significantly. He knew of few other folk on the island who would respond in such a way, and it made the boy’s fondness for Eden all the greater. The task of rounding up the chickens had proved more difficult than expected for just one person, so having a friend who was so willing to help out with enthusiasm would make things go much easier. Hands clapped together, the Caribbean boy shifted weight excitedly back and forth on his feet. “Perfect!” he sang. “With the two of us, we will have them back in their area in no time. And– thank you for agreeing to help me,” he added with sincerity, watching Eden with a look that conveyed nothing other than the utmost gratitude. “I hope I have not interrupted too much the course of your day.” He stepped forward and placed a hand on the other’s shoulder, turning him and pointing. In the distance, a chicken was poking around, tall grass ruffling around him, just between a circle of trees. “Here is what I have learned; running at them is not effective, because they are quite fast. I think if one of us remains still and the other coaxes them forth from behind, we will have these birds.”

* ╰        BASTIEN HAS SO MUCH BRIGHTNESS IN HIM, and eden thinks to himself about how his earthly body must struggle to keep it all contained —— for written into his smile, characterised by the endearing shuffle of his feet, and spoken through his gaze ; bastien’s brightness flows from him so freely, pouring into the sunlight-glimmered morning air and making it brighter still. “ you’ve not interrupted anything, my dear. ” eden assures quickly ; his warm hues shaped into kindly crescents as he offers bastien a smile as bright as the sun. “ i think perhaps i was meant to walk down this path today and find you, and that this was meant to be the course of my day. i think that maybe the heavens decided that i was meant to spend time with you, and so the gods set loose a flock of poor chickens to bring us together. ” he tells bastien ; regarding him with something so fond —— though his expression then grows almost serious as he listens, diligently, to every word of bastien’s proposed chicken-catching method. “ oh, oh yes —— quite right. running at them frantically might frighten them too, which we certainly don’t want. poor dears. ” he hums, nodding thoughtfully, “ shall i go and coax them towards you ? or did you want that role ? ” 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with gabriel —— @suncrowncd​ !

         * ╰        ALL THE ANGELS IN HEAVEN HAD FORSAKEN EDEN LONG AGO —— they had cast him away and left him in the darkness, for he was too far gone in his sorrow to ever hope to be saved. one by one, they had all abandoned him —— a great beating of wings ; a migration to some place kinder, more sun-blessed, and eden was left alone in the crippling silence of his melancholy. but there in the silence, there in the dark ; there flickered a light —— one angel had stayed behind. 

          gabriel alone, remained. 

          eden had found him in the pages of a book. across its cover the word ‘ omen ’ leaped out at him and drew him in ——  a portent of good, something of prophetic significance. a boy left with nothing, anguish-drowned, eden was compelled to dive between the lines of this book ; yearning and desperate for something good. he followed the words written there to an author talk and signing ; and, when at last he was face to face with the angel, eden asked that gabriel remember him. the memory of that moment is one of gabriel smiling ; promising he would —— but gabriel did so much more than just remember eden. in many ways, it turned out that gabriel had saved him. 

          nestled by a window in a quaint café, eden writes : 

                               on a deep winter’s day,                        because of your love,                                       i felt the warmth                                                          of spring. 

          although it’s true that in the glow of this early-march afternoon, spring has fallen across the whole of kaos —— even months ago in the clutches of winter, eden had discovered a warmth in the love of a man who he was now writing about. he’d left his new york job in journalism when he chose to stay here in kaos ; and now he spent his days wrapped up in the loveliest reveries —— his soul dripping with the honey of poetry, and his mind walking within soft worlds woven together by prose. the chime of eden’s phone draws him out of his daydream ; his pen rolling across the table as he sets it down to reach for his phone. it’s a text from gabriel —— the most recent in a series of many from today. 

          𝑔𝑎𝑏𝑏𝑦 🌅 : 

          𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑢𝑝 :) 

          and without questioning, without hesitation ; eden does —— his eyes growing wide & hands coming up to cover his mouth that has fallen ajar. because here eden is, in this tiny little café —— and there gabriel is ; a cup of coffee in his hands, stood in front of eden with a smile —— always with a smile. “ gabriel ? oh my stars, gabby —— you ... you’re here !? ” 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with sihyun​​​​​​​​ !

If anyone had told Sihyun five years ago that this comfort was something he could have, would have, in his life he would have thought it impossible. He would have laughed in their face and probably drank enough to numb the fact that he wanted this type of comfort more than anything in life. That is why, truthfully, every moment with Eden feels like a dream. It’s because he never thought this possible and to have it sometimes feels like just something he’s conjured up with the use of his imagination and subconscious, digging deep into his greatest desires. For how could a man as wonderful as Eden, someone whose soul glows golden, whose words soothe every nerve in Sihyun’s body with the utmost ease be real? There’s no way it’s all real, he thinks sometimes. When Eden speaks he swears his heart starts beating at an unimaginable rate, fast enough for it to fly out of his ribcage and out into the street, dancing wildly around the island like a bird. “It’s not greed. You’re not greedy. I don’t think you could ever be greedy,” Sihyun hums, moulding his body further into Eden’s, lips pressed against his jawline now. “You have all of me. As much as you want, as much as you need. All yours.”

It’s because he’s so wrapped up in Eden, the feel of his soft skin against his lips, the smell of him, so calming and sweet like ripe peaches on a beautiful summer day, that he doesn’t realize what’s happening until he’s lying flat on his back with his boyfriend perched atop him. “Mhm, no I think you were describing a delicious dessert,” Sihyun teases, hands coming up to rest on Eden’s knees. It all seems so innocent until Eden’s palms move over smooth skin, the touch sending shivers down Sihyun’s spine. “Oh, you are going to be the death of me,” he groans, laughter escaping him easily as Eden nibbles at his cheek. “So what’s the verdict?”

          * ╰        THIS FEELING IS WHAT THEY MUST HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY SPOKE OF RAPTURE,  eden thinks, because here in this moment it feels as though he’s transcended the sorrows of earth —— it feels as though he’s been transported into the graces of heaven. bliss floods every one of eden’s senses, and here in sihyun’s warmth, so willingly, eden drowns. “ i do believe his mouth is heaven, his kisses falling over me like stars, ” eden recites with gentle smile, pressing the ridge of his jawline into the soft and waiting warmth of sihyun’s lips —— and he focuses on this tender point of contact, letting it ground him where he lays as his mind begins to wander. “ you know —— when i was a young boy, i feared i’d never make it into heaven. ” he tells sihyun ; voice soft, soft, soft, as the divulgence leaves his lips. “ i was taught that someone like me —— people like us —— we wouldn’t be welcome there. every night i dreamt of fire, and how it burned. i’d wake up drenched in sweat and tears. ” and it’s a poignant sadness that eden is disclosing, laying the truth bare in soft glow of the peaceful morning ; but eden doesn’t feel sad as he speaks, he doesn’t feel anything but the warmth of sihyun’s lips on his skin. “ but then you came along and told me you wanted me —— you came along and when i told you that i was broken, you said you’d love every piece. ” and from the way eden speaks, it becomes clear that he’s been turning these words over in his mind since the day sihyun spoke them —— “ and now, i think we’re in heaven. heaven is every day with you. ” 

          and it’s a beautiful view, up here in heaven —— amongst the clouds, the sun warm against eden’s skin ; his eyes drinking in and pouring over the sight of all the dips and curves of the man laid down beneath him. then he hums, as if in contemplation ; a smile upon his lips which trail a line of slow kisses from sihyun’s cheek to his lips.  “ the verdict is —— ” eden begins, hues pooled with warmth and affection as his lips hover over the plush tiers of sihyun’s, “ that as sweet and delicious as you undoubtedly are —— you are not a dessert, you’re my boyfriend. my human boyfriend, whom i love very much. ” eden laughs —— “ but don’t think you’re safe just yet —— i still want to devour you all the same. ” he teases as he catches sihyun’s lower lip between his teeth, tugging gently before he soothes the bite over with the press of a kiss. 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with beau !

Beau had just emerged from the café, a cup of dark coffee in hand when out of the blue a white puff ball launched themselves on him. The sudden action had startled him enough to cause the cup to slip from his hands, fresh brew spilling all over the pavement as a result. “Shit.” He sighs, barely able to mourn the loss of his coffee before the dog was trying for his attention again. Leaning down to pet the adorable creature, he instantly recognized them as one of Sihyun’s dogs. “Your dad owes me a coffee now.” He teases. 

This wasn’t the first time Beau had been approached by one of Sihyun’s dogs. Hell for all he recalled it could’ve been the same one. Thus, he was expecting his least favorite person on Kaos to scurry up after the dog, but to his surprise it was a stranger that came to collect him instead. “Yeah, no, it’s all good.” He replies, standing up straight to better face the other. “So you’re saying these dogs are yours huh? Interesting…” He trails, eyeing him up and down. Beau didn’t recall seeing this guy around before, especially not around Sihyun’s dogs, so he found this all a little too suspicious. “Because while my memory is shit more often than not, I happen to be familiar with the owner of these dogs and last I checked it wasn’t you.” He begins, crossing his arms. “So to me, it kinda looks like you napped them. Unless, you know, ol Sihyunsito…” He paused, gesturing a hand like a slice to his throat. “Kicked the bucket and left them to you for some reason.” 

* ╰        ONE MOMENT ; PEACE —— THE NEXT ? HAVOC. pria is pressing frantic wet-nosed kisses to eden’s hand, and maron, startingly, busies himself with doing the same —— but rather than focusing on eden he nuzzles instead against the stranger’s hand. as for the stranger ? well, the stranger is watching eden with a careful, measured gaze. more than that, the stranger is insinuating that he thinks perhaps eden has kidnapped sihyun’s dogs ; and then worse yet, he purports that sihyun has died. and poor eden —— he almost doubles over under the force of the sudden commotion ; brows knitting together, troubled, as his eyes pool with a look both earnest and gently panicked. “ n-no —— i think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding here, ” eden prefaces ; quite evidently flustered. “ i’m sihyun’s boyfriend, eden ? he worked late last night & i wanted to let him sleep-in, so i took pria and maron out this morning for their walk so that sihyun could rest. he’s very much alive, i assure you —— heavens. ” 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with ágata ! 

Ágata, without a soft smile plastered on her face or a light cheery chime in her voice was a rarity. The girl had been taught well to bury her feelings deep down inside long ago. She was to never show her cracks, or dark parts as other might call it, no matter the circumstances. Because her role wasn’t really to be perfect in itself, but to appear so at all times. To be the one saving grace to others around her both in image and literal sense. But it was impossible to fix everyone else’s problems while disregarding her own, and that was by far her biggest flaw.

She had taken on too much this time, focused too much of her time and energy on others that she managed to neglect her own duties; a fact her grandmother was all but critical of. The rigid woman, who never accepted anything short of the best from anyone in her amassed family, had always been particularly hard on the girl she saw as more of a protegee than a granddaughter. So, when she caught word that Ágata had been slipping with regards to her responsibilities, the woman called her up to administer tough love that more often than not was just a load of insults. ‘You’re a disappointment—a digrace—and just one mistake away from becoming another loose chain in the world’s most impotent family.’ Those words in particular rang though her head, hitting her like a bus. She knew how much was riding on her image—her success. The last thing she wanted to do was disappoint anyone, or add on to her family’s already slightly tarnished image, but she couldn’t do it all.

As picturesque as her life might seem to others, the truth of the matter was that it was far from it. It was overwhelming, and right now she needed someone who would understand that by her side. She needed Eden. Over the phone, she had attempted to hold it together as much as she could, but when she finally hears him at the door, tears being to pool from her eyes before she even sees his face. It was almost as if she automatically knew that she could allow herself to be vulnerable by the mere indication of his presence. Swinging the door open, she gazed up at him with glazed eyes but didn’t say a word. Instead, she threw her arms around him and buried her face in his chest a she cried, needing the comfort.

          * ╰        EDEN HOLDS ÁGATA WITH THE TENDERNESS of a man who he himself knows what it means, and what it feels like to be broken. he collects every piece of her in his careful embrace, and he presses himself close so that the deep well of love he feels for her might perhaps wash away some of her sorrow, or hold her trembling frame together. “ oh, my darling —— it’s okay, it’s going to be okay. ” eden promises ; because although he doesn’t yet know what it is that has caused her pain, what he does know is that he’ll stay with ágata for as long as she wants, as long as she needs —— until she’s okay again. she’ll be okay again –— eden vows to make sure. 

          his body feels stiff in the aftermath of the gruelling run ; his heart is thundering, his chest is aching —— his calves burn, and his head buzzes with static ; and yet, eden holds ágata with a both a tenderness and a strength —— his arms like four walls and his frame like a roof. gone is eden lovegrove ; woebloomed man. he transforms instead into a home to keep ágata safe —— he’ll protect her as fiercely as a soft man like himself can. “ i’m here, i’m here, you’re not alone. ” eden tells her, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head as if trying to press light and warmth into the thoughts that hung around ágata’s mind like a grey cloud, making her tears pour like rain. “ let’s get you back inside, hm ? i’ll fix us some tea, and then if you can —— only if you want ; you can tell me what the matter is —— woes tend to feel lighter when you can share the burden of them with a friend, hm ? ” 

[heavenburdened]

  * ╰   with evgenia !

The first rule of the game that she’d ever been told by either of her parents was a soft, you won’t get your heart broken if you don’t have one. Out in the lobbies and lounges polite, calm, gracious, in the back rooms and smoke filled bars ruthless, heartless, detached, frigid. The golden child, to be put on a pedestal and envied from afar, never a human creature, not a girl you could touch nor embrace nor love. In that aspect, terribly god-like: viewed with two parts awe and two parts fear, and to this day perhaps, because of it, she suffers.

“The places I’ve already been,” she answers quietly. The places I can no longer go because I’ve shut the doors to them myself. Evgenia listens to Eden’s voice, letting it drape over her like droplets of rain cascading over her whenever she became caught in a storm. “I don’t live there,” she continues on, “It is but another stop on the metro line,” but a stop that I cannot ever seem to fully escape from, “-and I move onwards all the same.”

There is a brief moment where she stands there, pensive and more than a little stunned. How often has she been held up to all these standards and ideals? How long has it been since they’ve all though of her by her accomplishments and achievements, by the rows of medals and plaques lining the walls? How long has it been since people have prized her for simply being? It is a thought that hurts her head. “Thank you,” because if she says much else, her voice might just break all the same. Human. It is a funny idea, against the one of her, the one that has always been that she is her but also this fierce machine which you have built. 

Evgenia nods, inhaling in the soft scent of the tea. “Sunrise is always lovely here,” and that’s half the reason she chose this place to live and no other. “It makes me feel a bit more, grounded, so to speak.” She laughs quietly. “Reminds me of mornings in Vienna too.” And she breathes a little, picks up the laptop lying on the counter.

    * ╰   𝐼 𝑀𝑂𝑉𝐸 𝑂𝑁𝑊𝐴𝑅𝐷𝑆 𝐴𝐿𝐿 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑆𝐴𝑀𝐸, she tells him, and the words make eden’s heart ache because he thinks he knows precisely what evgenia means by moving onwards. he thinks he understands the look of mourning in her eyes because for so many years after the chapters of his life spent in wisconsin, eden hadn’t been living ; he’d just been waiting to die. he didn’t run from this death, he didn’t even once try to escape ; he simply sat in the stillness, let all darken, and watched as the world fell quiet. the quiet was ravenous —— a hungry monster that devoured every inkling of hope and made the sorrow-drenched reality of eden’s thoughts grow so terribly loud. and only here, on the edge of terror, would eden begin to run —— and like this his moved onwards through his days. he’d moved onwards all the same. 

          the universe was kind to him though and it granted him a clemency ; for as eden moved onwards, he crossed paths with the warmth of gabriel, the understanding of ágata, the brightness of bastien, the love of sihyun, and grace of so many countless others. what tenderness they each had breathed back into the wilted lungs of eden’s days, what a mercy their presence was in an otherwise cruel and painful world. and now, more than anything —— knowing what he knew, having been where he had been, eden wanted to disrupt the slow death of evgenia’s ‘ moving onwards ’ by giving to her the tenderness and warmth that he had been gifted by the ones that had pulled him back from the brink. that was why he pressed himself near and held evgenia close on the nights where nightmares searched for her —— that was why he trailed after her with teapots and love collected in his hands, chasing a sunrise in the hopes that it might help evgenia’s sorrows swap places with light. 

          outside, the first breath of morning light was glowing against the night’s edge, and eden smiled ; watching the horizon with gentle, hope-filled eyes. “ vienna ? ” eden hums, the name of the city unfurling a tenderness in his heart —— “ i’d love to visit again ; we should go there together sometime, hm ? —— walk the streets, see the sights, let the city sink into our souls. just between the two of us, i must confess that i hardly left the little apartment sihyun and myself rented when we visited there last christmas. ” eden laughs with a small smile, then busying himself with fixing the tea ; offering evgenia’s cup her way. 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with julien​​​​​​​​ !

Julien shakes his head as if to tell the other that it’s okay, he doesn’t need to apologize but no words escape him. There’s something in this man’s eyes that makes a flurry of pain, less physical and more emotional, wash over him like a tidal wave. Truthfully, he’s almost grateful for the excuse to run out of the theatre and miss the performance that he had forced himself to attend in hopes it would make him feel better. It hadn’t made him feel better. In fact, it had done the opposite, he thinks, as the tendrils of envy, so green and ugly lick at his open wounds when he thinks of the people on stage, happily performing for the audience.

“You have no reason to apologize,” he tells the other man softly, his thoughts pulled back to the situation at hand only by the words that hit a little too close to home for him. Julien too had let the remembering get a little too close to reliving, though he’s sure their situations are different. Whatever the other has experienced, though, Julien thinks he can understand it to some extent if it had anything to do with ballet. For the longest time, it had been his only purpose, and now here, on this unfamiliar island, he has found it incredibly difficult to find something else to keep him going. That’s why he was here in the first place. He never imagined he’d find someone who understood that, though.

The more the other speaks, the less alone he feels. “I understand,” he sighs, the breath practically forcing itself out of his lungs. “Me too,” Julien says without really meaning too. “Me too. I used to be like them. Just weeks ago I was training for a show and now–“ here he trails off, unsure of what to even say. Now what? Now he was injured and lost. Now he couldn’t dance and couldn’t do the only thing he was good at. Now he was broken. “Why did you come to watch the show?” He asks, hoping the answer the other gives is the same answer he is looking for himself.

 * ╰        A TEAR RUNS LIKE A RIVER down the length of eden’s cheek ; falling past his guard, flowing flowing flowing —— and eden turns his head away for a moment to let his eyes fall shut —— taking refuge in the quietness of oblivion, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before this one droplet of sorrow turns into a sea. here in the darkness, eden sees many things —— he sees a boy, a beautiful boy he once loved and still has love for despite his passing long ago. he sees a golden chain like a noose around the swell of that boy’s neck —— and on that chain he sees a golden cross, and on that golden cross he sees a golden man. jesus’ feet were pointed like a tiny ballet danseur. and it’s just the smallest moment that passes as eden stands there with his eyes closed, but still he sees more —— he sees imperfect pirouettes performed by still growing bodies, he sees feet that ache in pursuit of spending more time with a boy who made the whole world fall away. he sees blood red roses, and a kiss —— eden sees a kiss ; a kiss that should have been the beginning of something so beautiful, yet a kiss that marked the end of everything he knew. a kiss like a farewell. 

          he wants to let out a cry of loss, or perhaps scream ; but the pain welling in eden’s heart is too dolorous, too deep. it’s a pain so wretched that all eden can do is feel it —— feel it all, and pray the pain will somehow pass and leave him to rest. so eden’s eyes open, and with gentle fingertips he brushes away the fallen tear from his cheek. once he’s certain that no more tears will come, eden turns back to meet the stranger’s gaze once again, and with his hues washed clean with tears it is in this moment that eden realises that he looks like him. this stranger looks so much like eden’s first love, and now all eden wants to do is sink to his knees as beg for forgiveness —— it was all my fault ; what happened in that garden. but eden catches himself before he starts speaking with a ghost, and replies the man in front of him instead. “ i came because i thought i was strong enough, healed enough, to come and remember and pay my respects to a life and a person that are both so faraway from me now. ” eden tells the man ; the man that looks him him. “ but i was wrong. ” and eden doesn’t cry here ; but the words are a lament —— “ i think returning to ballet, in any form, was always going to be hard —— sometimes no matter how much you’ve healed there are wounds so deep that they can always be prised open again. ”  

          then he falls silent, catching his lower lip between his teeth and biting with almost enough pressure to draw blood, because eden abhors when he does this. when he feels so much and he feels it so strongly that he overflows with it —— saying too much, divulging too much —— making his sorrow become the sorrow of others. really, that was the reason why eden had shut himself away for so long ; afraid of making connections with people and then tainting their light with the great shadow of his melancholy. from the way that the stranger gazes upon him, eden feels that he has already had his own fair share of woes and so he takes a small step back ; as if to protect him.  “ you should go back inside —— i’m okay, i’m alright, ” eden tells him, but for reasons unknown, more than anything eden hopes that he will stay. “ you needn’t miss the chance to behold such a beautiful performance on account of me. ” 

[heavenburdened]

I started to dream awake It was beautiful—

Alice Notley, from “Songs and Stories of the Ghouls. (via empiregrotesk)

[heavenburdened]

e‌mpyreanminded:

@heavenburdened​​

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with bastien​​​​​​​​ !

Naturally, Bastien had the impulse to perform la bise when Eden was within range, but he reminded himself that it was not necessary in Greece. The habit had persisted since he left his home island at the age of eighteen, but had diminished significantly given the different cultures of the places he experienced. Here on Kaos, however, there were a surprisingly fair number of french, and so therefore the impulse had risen up again more than usual. “An adventure is a very good way to describe this,” he chuckled, light as tinkling bells, as the other tried to prevent Bas’s inevitable state of being covered in dirt. Bastien noticed Eden’s disposition was in much brighter spirits than one would have typically expected on any given day. He didn’t remark on this fact, however, for fear of watching the boy’s smile dissipate, like a rare animal scurrying back to the comfort of normalcy. “So- ah- I am passing by a man who owns this house,” he motioned to a small bungalow across the field behind him. “And he have stopped me to ask if I could help. You see, by some way his chickens have escaped the fences. I said yes to help, but it is more difficult than I thought, to- euh- catch these chickens.”

* ╰        AS INEVITABLE AS GREEN LEAVES catching alight with the fire of auburn hues the as summer turns to fall, bastien lalande always brought such warmth, brightness and commotion to the course of eden’s days. they’d been an iridescent glimmer of sunshine on the gray, rain-soaked day that the two had first met ; they’d been the warmest part of eden’s summer vacation in hawaii. and now, even on a day where the world ( against all odds ) seemed a kind place to eden, bastien was still the brightest thing in sight. “ chickens ? escaped ? c a t c h ? ” eden repeats ; a clement laugh escaping him as his smile broadens, impossibly warm. of course, bastien had found themself in such a bizarre predicament —— of course they had. they were a constant surprise of the loveliest kind, and how dearly eden adored bastien’s penchant for lending a helping hand to others –— whatever the cost, wherever, whenever. “ bastien my dear —— do you see these two hands ? ” eden says with a smile, holding his palms up towards the sunlight. “ because i don’t —— all i see are two chicken catchers. let’s, you & i, go round up these chickens, hm ? ” 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with arlo​​​​​​​​ !

     HOW DO YOU tell a lovely individual that they’re worthy of every beautiful, happy thing they’re feeling right now? how do you tell them when, at the same time, there’s an untamed beast of guilt and jealousy that putters in your gut, drums its nasty fingers against your chest and drags its gangly nails along your insides and demands to be felt? arlo has no reason to feel the way he does about sihyun, someone who was always a casual lover. not when florian fucking agreste is right here in arlo’s grasp, a man he’s sure he has loved for lifetimes. it makes no sense, this intense desire to be adorned by everyone around him and he so desperately wants to feel love that when someone he loves gives it to someone else, it’s like it fills arlo with tar. 

and he wants to be happy. jesus christ, he wants to be happy for eden because he’s such an angel and has never once done anything remotely terrible. he’s perfect, arlo’s convinced: he’s sweet, he’s beautiful, thoughtful, selfless, he’s everything sihyun needs in a man and yet, arlo can’t help but feel the tiniest bit of animosity towards him. maybe it’s moreso towards his own self, for not being that kind of person. arlo doesn’t knit blankets for refugees or write beautiful poetry about being in love; arlo goes home to cry about feeling like he’s not good enough and his fingers have permanent indents from using pencils to sketch strangers that curse him out when they realize he’s been staring at them for too long to properly draw. eden is everything sihyun needs and the worst part of it all is, arlo is none of it.

his words are still sweet, as they always are, and arlo musters a smile in hopes to mask what he’s really feeling, his true internal dialogue that’s best kept internal. brows raise at eden’s suggestion to take a walk and arlo is famously never one to deny that. the boy could wander the whole island for a whole day and not once get bored. he takes eden’s hand, so gentle and delicate like everything else about eden lovegrove, and he stands. he gives him a small smile and swings their arms playfully. “romance looks good on you, eden lovegrove,” he tells him softly, though the words send a pang to his own chest. he leads them out the door and into the crisp evening outside. “i’m happy for you.”

he says it out loud, as if whatever gods are awake can hear him and perhaps tame the beast inside of him. “i really am, eden. you’re in love and it’s all i’ve ever wanted for you, was to feel the way you do. not even to be in love, but just to be happy.”

* ╰        ARLO’S WORDS SOAR THROUGH THE NIGHT AIR and wrap themselves around eden’s lungs ; squeezing the air from them and taking his breath away.  𝑖'𝑚 𝘩𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑦 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑦𝑜𝑢, he says, and eden quite suddenly finds it difficult to breathe as it dawns on him how utterly foreign it was to hear such a simple, earnest kindness. arlo tells eden that all he wants is for him to be happy, and the number of people who had ever done so were few enough for eden to count on one hand. so with the hand he has tethered by touch to arlo’s he holds on tight, as if he were afraid to let go, and he meets the gaze of the other to speak with his eyes all the things he wishes to say in the absence of words ever being quite enough. 

          “ sweet boy ; good heart —— sad eyes. ” eden says softly, the words falling from him the way rain falls ; gently at first, quietly at the beginning, then all at once. “ all i want is for you to be happy, too. but if you ever find that you’re not, in the times where it’s difficult to find happiness —— ” eden pauses here, his hold on arlo’s hand growing more tender ; “ find me instead. i’ll be here for you if you ever decide you’d like me near. ” and it feels almost tragic that eden doesn’t yet understand that it is his own happiness that is the source of so much of arlo’s pain ; what a cruel design of fate —— that the closer he becomes with arlo, the more hurt he was bound to cause him. but eden doesn’t know anything of this, he doesn’t know —— so with words and with gazes and the hold of his hand he tangles the threads of his life with arlo’s. 

          and so, together, they walk along the calm cobblestone streets ; but eden’s gaze keeps floating towards the heavens. the soft, gentle glow of kaos is so different from the bright and dazzling lights of new york ; and the stars are clearer here than he’s seen in the longest time. “ you know, i’ve always wanted to know something of the stars, ” eden divulges, “ —— but as a child, i worried that if i learned of the stories that bound constellations together, those stories would pour and pour and pour into my mind without relent. when i looked up at the sky i didn’t want to see angry gods ; mourners, tales of loss —— i had enough of all those things tied to my earthly life. when i looked up at the sky i just wanted to see beauty, i just wanted to find peace. ” eden tells arlo —— tangentially but honestly, chancing a glance his way as a small smile falls across his lips. “ —— i think i see something of the stars in you, though. as though the stars became a boy, and you are that boy. ” eden muses —— pauses, then seems to sober from the deep well of his thoughts ; a crinkle along his brow as he apologises, “ sorry ! i’m incorrigible. here i am rambling on again —— how strange that must’ve all sounded. ” 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with sihyun​​​​​​​​ !

Sihyun can’t help the soft laughter that escapes him at the sweet words that spill from his boyfriend’s lips. Like honey, his words sweeten Sihyun’s morning like they do with everything else in his life. “It must be one of those dreams that we get to share then,” Sihyun mumbles softly, lifting his hand to trace a finger down the side of Eden’s face, the pads of his fingertips gliding over the soft skin gently. The kiss atop his head is almost as sweet as Eden’s words and he hums happily, moving even closer to press into the warmth of his boyfriends’ body. If Sihyun where a shyer man he would be blushing something bright and crazy at the moment, and even as it stands he can feel his cheeks warm up just slightly. There’s something about the way Eden speaks about him that makes a knot of warmth unfurl in his chest and over his entire body down to his tip toes. “And this is all for science, yes? Trying to figure out the difference between dreams and reality for scientific reasons, I’m sure,” Sihyun teases as Eden tilts his head up and closes the gap between their lips. He sighs into the kiss, love, and adoration spilling out of his mouth and into Eden’s own just by the press of lips. Mornings like this will forever be his favorite now that he knows what they taste like.

Soft laughter escapes him again, a melody of pure happiness that weaves through the room along with the rays of sunlight and settles over the both of them like a blanket of joy. “Sounds like you’re describing a delicious cinnamon roll, my love.”

* ╰        THERE’S THIS DEEP, LUCID CALM that has settled itself in eden’s heart ; a feeling that he’s only ever felt whilst wading in the depths of sihyun’s presence —— something like peace, something sacred. 𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑏𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑡𝘩𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑚𝑠 𝑡𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝑒 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝘩𝑎𝑟𝑒, his lover says, and hearing the softness of those words in the vulnerability of his waking moments makes eden want to weep  —— for in the nightmares, dreams, and reality of his past the man had always been so very alone. now that he is able to share in dreams with sihyun as the sun kisses the sky good morning, the entire world seems silhouetted against the brightness of the love eden feels. here in their little sanctuary, it’s peaceful and it’s calm. a sanctuary built from the feeling of loving someone so completely and tenderly, and the feeling of being loved with that same devotion in return. “ i’ll share all my dreams with you, because i don’t just want you in waking —— i want you even when i tumble into soft, velvet slumbers. aren’t i greedy ? isn’t your boyfriend so awfully greedy ? he wants so much of you ; he can’t ever seem to get enough. ” eden laughs ; warmth blushing across his skin, following the trail of sihyun’s fingertip. 

           and then something almost… cheeky ? glimmers in the brown hue of eden’s eyes, and within one single moment he’s shifted and propped himself up so that he’s straddling sihyun’s reposed frame ; legs, bent at the knee, on either side of his torso and both his hands laying palms down upon sihyun’s chest. “ i was describing you, sihyun-ah —— ” eden smiles, then leaning down and in close ; his palms sliding up over inked panthers and smooth skin, moving to cup sihyun’s face. “ but i suppose i should check and make sure that you’re not a cinnamon roll, hm ? —— i’m afraid i’ll need to taste you again. you know —— for scientific purposes, like you said. ” eden laughs, playfully and gently nipping at the curve of sihyun’s cheek.

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with ágata —— @ofagatas​​ !

 * ╰        EDEN IS NOTHING BUT A HEARTBEAT, BREATH, AND SWEAT as he pushes through the night air ; gravel crunching beneath his running feet as he hastens to ágata’s place. she’d called him and asked him to come over not much longer than half an hour ago ; her words were so quiet, like perhaps she had fallen somewhere dark and she was lost. eden was a soft spoken man ; someone who never raised his voice —— but a gentle tremble in the sound of ágata’s voice made eden want to scream, and before the call had even finished eden had found himself dressed in mismatched clothes and running out of the house like a mad man —— wanting, needing to reach ágata as soon as possible. there was a panic that had fallen in a veil over eden’s mind, and he had no thought of calling a cab, or even calling sihyun for a ride —— running, running, running ; he was running to ágata. 

          by the time eden reaches ágata’s doorstep he’s covered in a thin sheen of sweat and his chest moves in a rapid rise and fall as he tries to catch his breath. he allows himself just one moment to recover ; taking a deep breath in, and then one out, before he raps with a gentle urgency at the wood of the front door. 

          “ ágata ? darling, it’s me —— it’s eden. ” 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with beau —— @ofbeauisms​​​ !

* ╰        WITH TWO SOFT WHITE CLOUDS walking leashed by his side & the sapphire reach of the ocean sprawled out in the near distance, eden lovegrove might as well have been waltzing through the heavens as he took pria and maron out on a morning walk. the pace the three of them have set is a leisurely one —— steps flowing together, like floating —— when all of a sudden “ ah ! jung pria ! ” eden exclaims, the aforementioned dog making a sudden bolt for a stranger a small ways ahead ; jolting eden out of the comforts of his soft and slow morning and causing him to run after pria ( poor maron being tugged along at a pace much brisker than he desires ). 

          “ oh my goodness —— i’m so, so sorry ! ” eden apologises as he approaches the stranger, scrabbling for pria’s leash and coaxing him away from the stranger that he’s launched himself upon. “ i’m a new dog dad ; pria caught me unawares —— didn’t you, hm ? ” eden explains with a soft, breathed laugh, the last part of his sentence directed in a gentle chastise that he sends pria’s way. “ oh, he didn’t hurt you, did he ? he wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone ; but he’s quite enthusiastic with how he shows his love. like there’s just too much love in his body and he simply must express it through licks and nuzzles and nips. ” 

[heavenburdened]

* ╰   with aksel —— @akselhyunos​ !

* ╰        EDEN’S BODY IS HUMMING WITH A TANGLE of both anticipation and a miscellany of nerves. like the crackle of the red neon sign that welcomes him into the garage, eden glows ; and every inch of him is alight with excitement over the meeting that is about to take place.  “ could i get a strawberry milkshake, please ? ” eden asks the waiter with a soft and gently nervous smile, taking a seat at one of the stools by the bar’s counter. his left leg bounces up and down as he flicks through his phone messages, waiting both eagerly and anxiously for aksel to arrive. 

          the two hadn’t met before ; not face to face, at least —— but they’d spent night after night on opposite ends of the world messaging and conversing ; talking to each other about anything, and everything, and slowly but surely aksel had become part of the rhythm of eden’s days. despite the distance, and in spite of the physical distance that separated them, aksel was to eden a constant and close friend. 

           the tap of two fingers at his shoulder pulls eden from the labyrinth of his thoughts, and he pivots in his seat ; eyes taking in the sight of none other than aksel hyun —— flesh and blood ; not miles away but right here with eden. with a hand that reaches, eden’s fingertips sooth at his nape in a nervous force of habit ; a smile upon the curve of his lips as he laughs, gently —— “ we meet at last. ”