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heavenstocharlee · 3 years ago

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Orbiting // m.lee

“Can I make it with you, if I orbit around you?”

Summary: Haze. A despicable name people called you, as your dating life became a public spectacle to everyone. Everyday you hoped that some would see beyond the pretense, when lo and behold, comes Mark Lee. You refuse to believe the truth, until one fateful night where boundaries between friendship and something more become blurrier than ever. The orbiting was over, and collision was imminent.

Characters: Mark Lee x fem!reader

Category: strangers to lovers!au / college!au / angst / mutual pining / slight slow burn (apologies) / suggestive scene / fluff if you squint

Word count: 15k+

Warnings: Main character has low self-esteem after being with toxic people, has self-deprecating/intrusive thoughts, please be aware! / Chenle and Yuta are meaaan (so sorry)

Song inspiration: Peace by Taylor Swift, Dress by Taylor Swift, Orbiting by Reese Lansangan

Writer’s notes: Hello everyone! After a long hiatus, here is another Mark Lee work of mine. This took so much longer than I was hoping, but it also felt more intimate to me than ever. This idea came to mind when I was listening to Dress by Taylor Swift, and soon followed more songs that fit the meteorological narrative I was imagining. I really hope you guys would enjoy this as much as I had fun stress-writing it (for almost two years)! Well wishes to everyone and happy reading!

The bare reflection in the mirror reveals yourself, fully unprepared for the night that is about to come. You convince yourself that by doing this game of dress up, you can stall the time enough for your feelings to change. Turning towards where your bed is located, a black satin dress laid upon its pale beige sheets. This outfit was out of your comfort zone to say the least, considering you were more of the type of girl who would wear your favorite sweatpants for parties. However, this was no regular party. A certain someone was there, and you were aiming to leave an impression on his fine evening. To further awaken your uncertainties of the evening, you placed both of your hands against your cheek allowing its coldness seep through your nerves.

The beginning of festivities always seemed to be the hardest, but you muster up all your courage to get ready. You wore a classic winged eyeliner paired with your hair swept into a low side ponytail. The noir dress complemented the silver choker decorated around your neck. Instead of sacrificing your toes for the party, you sport your black leather boots for good luck. Catching the reflection once again in the mirror, you begin to recognize yourself even more in this look.

Was it enough to instigate the reckoning? Swearing by the stars and sky, You hope so.

A loud car honk sirens your wishful thinking for the night. You look upon the window and saw your friend, Ryujin, waving at the front porch. Quickly collecting your things and spraying yourself with an aroma of courage you’ve built up all night, you decided to step out of your apartment. The stars were evidently rooting for you tonight, as the clouds hid behind their shining glory. Despite the cold spring breeze of May, it was not enough to diminish your excitement of what’s to come.

“Looking extra dolled up tonight, are we?” The lovely Ryujin, dressed in her long-sleeved polo shirt and black baseball cap, greets you with a smirk on her face.

“Are you finally going to declare your love? Oh, I mean tempt the man of your dreams? She further exclaims.

“First of all, I am not a temptress. Let’s get that straight.” Waving your pointer finger to prove a point. “Secondly, I don’t plan to reveal my feelings anytime. He deserves to know at the right time.” “And definitely not in a place where it reeks of booze and cigarettes.” You jokingly added while fastening on your seatbelts. Ryujin starts to drive, still with a sly smile across her face.

“Are you still going to keep on stalling? Mark is a hot guy, _____. He is not going to stay single until the end of the year.” She glances at your side, admitting a well-known fact you already know.

Oh, the epitome of a gentle sunshine, Mark Lee.

“I get that. It’s just…” You try to form the next few words into your head before confessing.

“He is worth waiting for.” A smile forms from the edges of your lips. Ryujin nudges you teasingly.

“Okay, Miss Hopeless Romantic! You guys sound perfect for each other, so he is bound to end up with you… I just feel it.” She taps you in the thigh to reassure your worries.

After countless banters adjacent to the neon city lights, you arrived at the place of interest. Kim Jungwoo’s residence or more so his parent’s summer villa. You observe the mansion that is in front of you, lavishly decorated with gleaming fluorescent lights and electronic sound pounding across the structure. Ryujin accompanies you to the entrance, but from the moment you stepped into the hall, you felt everyone’s eyes were on you. Oh man, were you the belle of the ball.

You weren’t necessarily the most lowkey person in your small college. Unfortunately, your legacy does not originate from the championships you won, or the scholastic grades you earned, but in your “gossip-worthy” dating history. Your name does get around in places you wish wouldn’t, but as much as you said it didn’t bother you, the blatant and judgmental stares when you enter the room sometimes feel like daggers piercing through your skin. These thoughts ruminate on most days, however at some point, you just realize that you can’t control them. You already despise yourself enough.

Trying your best to hold your chin up high, you try to scurry unto the sea of people and arrive in the lobby staircase. This is where you are welcomed by the host of the party.

‘Hey, _____! Nice to see you got here just in time.” Jungwoo greeted. You gave him a friendly hug as a way of appreciation for the not so casual invite.

“I know, Ryujin was such a slow driver.” You nudge towards Ryujin who rolls her eyes as a reply.

“But you bet, I’ll never miss a party in the Kim residence.” You gave a wink.

“Says the one who took ages to get ready. Anyways, I need to greet some of my folks over there!” Ryujin happily remarked while looking across the kitchen where her dance club members are.

“Help yourselves guys! There are drinks, pizza, and some churros. God they’re so good, ______!” He invitingly smiled while pointing over the feast on the counter table. Ryujin sends one of her buddies a wave, before pointing her phone towards you. This is assuming she will text you if she decides to run off with a boy tonight or if she would be an unlucky woman of the night and be your chauffeur home. She slowly disappeared into the vast crowd of people.

“By the way, the squad is over on that side if you’re wondering. They seem eager to meet you about something.” Jungwoo pointed out the sofa where some of your friends are playing beer pong.

“Got it, but first… I am in deep need of a drink.” You gesture to your empty hands, when a handsome young fellow suddenly appeared like magic, and placed a red solo cup unto your palms.

“Here you are, milady.”

You immediately recognize this charmer as one of your closest friends, Jeong Jaehyun.

“Thank God Jae, you are a lifesaver. My only wish is that you continue to refill this cup before it gets empty, or else I’ll be grumpy.” You joked. He responded with a hearty laugh.

“As the designated driver of the night, your wish is my command. I honestly have a feeling you would get yourself wasted tonight.” He gestures a cheer before drinking the liquor.

“Why is that so?”

“Based on that outfit and a certain someone? I feel like you’re ready to lose yourself tonight.” He smirks before drinking the alcohol in his cup. He knows you too well.

“But if you want to go home with someone else tonight, just call me.” He winks.

This time you gave the honest laugh. “Well, I did not come to play around tonight. Maybe next time?” You take a gulp of your Rum Cola, as you watch Jaehyun radiate a meaningful smile that you sometimes miss.

“Well then, let me lead you into the lion’s den.” He stretches his left arm to lead you into the boys on the other side of the room.

Skimming through the people on the dance floor, you recognize more familiar faces sitting by the sofa with drinks in their hands and laughter-filled atmosphere. Nevertheless, one face stands out by the rest of them. That someone is wearing a green and blue plaid shirt with a black t-shirt underneath. Paired with ripped black pants paired with white sneakers. Sparkling eyes and a gorgeous smile. Yes, Mark Lee. The man worth waiting for.

The exact moment your eyes meet, time felt like it ran by ever so slowly; frame by frame just to tease you tonight. Mark looks at you with awe and recognition in his orbits, and he seemed to act like a deer in headlights seeing how you look tonight. He takes a scan of you from shoes to neck up, and though it made you slight conscious, you certainly were happy it was enough to get his attention this evening.

Your fateful meeting happened during the 30th of October. It was the last day of midterms and a Halloween party galore happening in your local college. It was a special evening, as your school opened for picnics in the big courtyard and various clubs are holding their socials in spooky festivity. You didn’t dress up as anyone, mainly because you didn’t enjoy the holiday that much, but also because you already caught too much attention. This is around the time you just recently broke up with the school’s notorious football player, Yuta Nakamoto.

Your dating life has always made its way in the halls of this school, for reasons still unknown to you. You were known by many names: whore, attention-seeker, fuck girl. However, one stuck amongst the crowd and that is Haze. A mist that lures you in not knowing they are in for a trap. This one you seem to hate less than the others.

You don’t know why people care so much who you date, but it seems to be the talk of the town every single time. Yes, you love to date around. Give your time to handsome men who give you attention, but it was never for the sake of a heartbreak. Everyone seems to think that you take a list and cross off every single hot guy in college, but on most times, you genuinely enjoy their company. You enjoy the attention and “love” they give. Or at least try for some time. Until they cheat, move on for greener pastures, or leave you to fend for yourself.

As you walk through the dimly lit yet well-decorated halls, you spot the man who was brave enough to invite you in a campfire hangout and disrupt your annual showing of your favorite Halloween movie, Monster House. This man was the resident clown of your friend group, Lee Haechan. He spots you instantly and does a big wave before shooting you with finger guns. He seems to be wearing a banana in a cowboy costume. Classic Haechan.

You slowly tread your way into the picnic area and greeted the people in the circle. Most of them you recognize, like Jeong Jaehyun, the architecture student whom you casually “messed around” from the past but in good terms with, and Kim Jungwoo, the kinesiology major and close family friend. However, there was someone who you were unfamiliar with. He was a black-haired fellow, sporting a blue hoodie, black Vans, and strumming a guitar on his lap.

“Wassup, _____! Glad you could make it.” Haechan daps you like you usually do.

“You were not joking about the banana officer, huh?” You replied with a sheepish laugh.

“It’s so crazy that after all the years you still doubted me.” The young man facepalms himself in disappointment.

“I was absolutely serious, and I look hella good in it, right?” He twirls around, then takes his fake guns in the holster around his waist and poses nonchalantly. This made you burst out laughing.

“I wouldn’t say it’s bad, but it does sound like Haechan.”

“Hey _____! Wait who are you supposed to be?” Jungwoo curiously asked.

“Well… honestly, I am just me, but if you’re looking for a creative answer, it would be Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99.” Crossing your arms, you act coy after confessing.

“Come on, you could’ve taken this opportunity to spice things up a bit. It’s Halloween! The perfect place for “fun” if you know what I mean?” Jungwoo teasingly bumps you and winks. You reply with a sigh.

You sit beside Jaehyun, dressed in a Clark Kent/Superman attire that suits him so well. “Help me out here buddy.”

“Jungwoo, she clearly isn’t ready yet. Maybe it’s you who should be spicing things up a bit, Mr. Antman.” You both share a laugh, Jungwoo not sharing the same sentiment.

“Don’t you dare make fun of my hero. He clearly is the best Avenger.” Jungwoo confidently replies.

“Yeah, yeah we know.” You roll your eyes at his statement. It was then that your eyes fall upon the young man still fiddling with his guitar. He is seemingly busy enough not to join the conversation developing in front of him. Just as you were about to ask about him, Haechan interrupted your actions.

“We’re just going to get some food and drinks, stay here and keep my friend company, okay?” He points towards the man in the blue hoodie.

“He tends to get lost in his thoughts for a while, so just tell him we’ll be back.” Jungwoo adds.

“He is nice _____, don’t worry. Same drink as before?” Jaehyun kindly inquires.

“You got it, Jae.”

They slowly fade in the distance and now you are left with the dilemma of looking after this guy who you don’t even know. When you turned around, his back was turned back against you, cross-legged sat on the mat, and fixing the strings of his guitar. Just when you were about to sit down, he lifts the instrument up and starts strumming a tune. Curiosity must’ve struck you by then, because you were excitedly ready to hear what the man was about to play. You slowly sneak unto his right shoulder and sat beside him.

“So, what are you gonna play?” You leaned towards his right side, trying to get as glimpse of his features. The poor man jolted, and the guitar created a loud dissonant sound across the courtyard.

“Oh… hi, sorry I did not see you there.” He scratches his head out of apology and you can finally see the feature of this mysterious man.

You often wonder if it’s the starry night skies or the campfire’s embers filling the air, but you swear his dark brown eyes sparked that night. There was a ray of light that gleamed in his face despite the mysterious evening. He smiled ever so innocently; the extraterrestrial kind, the ones that make you realize that pure people like him still exist. Based on his reactions, he seems to not recognize you or your faults.

You immediately bow your head as an offer of apology. “That was completely my fault, I should’ve just quietly listened.”

“No, that’s okay. I’m not used to people like you—or just an audience in general.” He bashfully commented. The slight blush across his skin were evident even in the warm lights of the campfire. This made you feel like a high school student experiencing puppy love once again.

“Please, go ahead. Let me hear what you’re about to play Maestro.” You gesture your hands for him to continue and offered your best smile to this man you just met.

“Oh okay...” He fiddles around the knobs one last time, before starting to play a song. The poor man still obviously nervous by your presence was quite timid to have a complete stranger watch him stumbling upon his lyrics and hums, but despite that you stuck through the whole song. You found the whole ordeal cute and endearing, as he tries his best to perform with joy in his expression. He ends it with a light strum, and bitter expression in his face.

“I definitely did not gain a fan tonight, haven’t I?” He scratches his forehead. You quickly shook your head in response.

“No, no… you did great! Thank you for showing me your talent. It takes guts.” Offering your sincerest applause, his blush fades into a grin.

“Oh… I’m ______ by the way. Haechan’s friend.” You offer your hand, in hindsight, probably too formal for the setting, but he quickly puts down the guitar and holds your hand in greeting.

“I- I’m Mark. Haechan’s childhood friend.” You lightly shook his hand as a reply.

“And you’re supposed to be…” You motioned unto his outfit.

“I didn’t really dress up, but if anyone asks its Peter Parker from Spiderman.” Mark admits.

“I totally get you! I tell people I’m Rosa from Brooklyn 99, but I didn’t really dress up.”

“Not a fan of Halloween?” He inquired.

“Not much. I’d rather spend it just watching Monster House.” You replied, curiously anticipating his reactions. He chuckles lightly.

“I am not much of an extrovert too, so in big events I just stay home. Haechan is a total pushover though.” You nod excessively as a reply, noting your common enemy. Mark seemed to be become more and more relaxed as the time went on. He suggested some of his favorite Halloween movies he loved when he was young, and you tell the most outrageous Halloween party you went to. Your first conversation made you aware of how fun and easy-going Mark, he complemented your energy very well. Just as it was getting good, the squad approaches your mat, so you both try to return to your usual postures.

“How is everybody getting along here? Mark, I see you’ve already met ______.” Haechan gestures towards you. Mark nods as a reply and looks at you possibly for emotional confirmation.

“Oh yes, he was cool enough to show me his guitar performance.” You replied, watching Mark’s expression light up with the mention of cool.

“Way. To. Go. Peter Parker! Showing off your skills tonight, eh?” Jungwoo slaps his thighs and teasing him for his outfit for tonight. Mark pinches him back and they start bickering around. Jaehyun arrives, giving you your favorite drink, a Crush Cream Soda. You opened the can immediately and drank it in satisfaction.

“A non-alcoholic drink, ______? What are you 17?” Haechan teases.

“Give me a break! I had too many events this week, my liver needs breaks too. Plus, I’m not an alcoholic like you, Haechan.” You mockingly joke. Mark laughs in response. A genuine first of the night.

“I bet that one day, Haechan will be carrying a one pack instead of six pack abs, because of all the beers he consumed during his youth.” Jungwoo jumps in and everyone laughs. Haechan starts hitting Jungwoo in the chest.

“Oh, Mark did you know that _____ here is an astrology student? She loves all the stars, horoscopes, and rock shit.” This time you hit Haechan in the back. The poor man fake cries in response.

“It’s Meteorology, Haechan. Two different things.”

“Mr. Nerdy Peter Parker guy over here is an English literature major by the way. He’s the main reason why my essays in Mr. Edwin’s Literature class last semester got A’s.” Jungwoo interjected. Mark stared him down on the side, implying that it was a pained memory, you laughed.

“God that last essay was awful.” Jaehyun mentioned and a synchronized nod was shared in the circle.

“I have him for this term, and our final assignment does sounds extra tough.” You sighed.

“If you don’t mind, I can help you if you want. I’m pretty sure I still have his notes from last years…” Mark kindly mentions.

“O--only if you are okay though. With me.” His voice slightly falters at the end of his sentence.

“I should be saying that Mark. You would fear how badly I write.” You chuckle, though you soon realize how much an A can greatly affect your final grade.

“I would honestly shy away at this opportunity, but I am pretty scared of failing his class. So, thank you so much, that would be of so much help.” You bow down slightly in a way to reply to him courteously, he shook his hands to show that it was not of big deal. With a glance, you could see his faultless smile slowly form and until this day it is forever embedded in your mind.

“Is this the start of something else?” Jaehyun annoyingly inquires.

“We have done something good guys.” Haechan taps Jungwoo and Jaehyun in the arms and Mark replies with an elbow jab to his thigh as his way of acting his shyness.

It was nice to meet everyone that night, as you all got the chance to unwind after such tough midterms. Mark did not mention anything about who you’re dating next, or your past relationships, it was just pure friendship talk. That alone sparked interest in you. It truly was such a big difference, as all you could remember that week was just people’s whispers and inquiries about your life. You were happy that these men never really cared about those gossips. Bits of happiness you would say, enough to keep you going to the next few months.

Little did you know, that really was the start of something. Out of all the plans and formulations you’ve laid out in your life, this one seems to be the most unprecedented. In the Richter scale, you’d say Mark’s meeting was of great magnitude level of earthquake.

They say the best love comes unexpectedly.

This one, however, was not just any ordinary encounter,

He disembarked, brought the totality of the sky, and offered it unto your presence.

Looking back at it now, you’re unsure if you were charmed by his smiles or you’re in that desperate need of a good grade in English literature. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, but you were set in meeting this man at least once a month to discuss your final paper. Your first meeting was scheduled in the library, not in the totally quiet kind, but in the semi-private one where you can converse freely. As a constantly late person, you strived to be early this time around, but when you arrived at the place he was already nose deep into his textbook. The young man was wearing black turtleneck, gray buttoned shirt, washed blue jeans, and his black spectacles. His pale skin was even more evident as the sunlight hits the high points of his face. You can’t help but admire his features. This made you become conscious of what you’re wearing. A white buttoned shirt, cream colored sweater vest, and black skirt, or as your friend Ryujin described it a “classic academia” look. You did look done up, but man you kind of wish you worn something warmer as the library’s air conditioner was blasting today.

You slowly made your way towards the low seated tables, trying your best not to surprise the man who was willing enough to tutor you this term.

“Hello there!” You greeted the busy boy. He offered you the cutest smile in the world. This sent you into a spiral of emotions and Lord did you forget your words.

“Oh-- thanks for helping me by the way. I hope I don’t take much of your time.” You carefully sit in the chair in front of him and placing your backpack on the floor. He closes his book and starts arranging his stuff.

“It’s absolutely okay! This also serves some practice for me… I—” He trails of his sentence as you were starting intently in his face. This made him nervous, transferring the jitters to you as well.

“I was thinking of become a teacher.” He confesses shyly.

“That sounds great for you! Wow, I am not only your first live audience but your first student as well? What an Honor, Mark Lee.” You compliment with the best smiles.

“Don’t compliment me too much, I haven’t taught you anything yet.” He scratches his head out of embarrassment. It seems to be a habit now that you recall your first meeting.

“I am just giving you a heads up, my paper is really bad. Please help me.” You faced your laptop towards him so he can inspect your material. He shakes his head and reassures you that he is not going to be judging you for it.

There was something oddly trustworthy about Mark, after your first interaction he seemed to be nice enough to not judge your character. You were afraid that Mark would get a whiff of all the bad talk going on around you, but during this moment you silently wished he would stay ignorant, or at least not care enough to avoid you. You hoped he was different.

You were awoken from your thoughts when he calls out your name out of the daze.

“Oh sorry, I was off to dreamland. How bad is it?” You fearfully inquired.

“You make it sound that you don’t know grammar, but this is better than what you make it out to be.” He assured you with a positive nod.

“It still needs a lot of work though, but that’s why I am here, right?” He tilted his head to side as he utters the question. This gives you assurance, that you trusted the right person to share your pieces with.

“Okay, I’m in your care Mr. Lee.” You bow your head and welcome the new friend you just made.

Time flew by very fast during your first session, and honestly all you could remember was how insightful Mark was teaching you grammatical issues that you probably should’ve known before university, helping you narrow your thesis topic, but still maintaining positively concise throughout. Of course, not all the session were you asking questions, he was also doing homework while you work on your paper. You try not to disturb the man, as he seems pretty interested in reading and taking notes. Time passes quickly than you hope and now you realize it’s past 6 pm and you must get home and make dinner. Mark realizes you checking your phone and recognizes that was enough time for your English homework.

“It’s getting late now, and you probably should try to have the introduction and first body paragraphs done for the next session. By the way, do you have a ride home?” He slowly packs his homework and books laid across the table.

“Yeah, I still have some errands to do with Ryujin and it seems like she just finished cheerleading practice. How about you?” You inquire.

“I’m heading straight home, still got loads to take notes.” He packs his bag up and escorts you into the exit doors of the library. You nod along, but we’re reminded of one special event you were looking forward for tonight.

“Oh! I am not sure if you’re interested...” You mention almost too excited to your liking. “The Leonid’s Meteor Shower is happening tonight between midnight and dawn… if you are interested in watching it.” Your last few words come quieter, and you try to compose yourself for someone you barely know.

“That is pretty cool. Thank you for telling me, will be on the lookout for it.” He enthusiastically nods. You were pleasantly happy that he was as interested as you.

“Well, it was a nice first session with you Mark! I’ll see you again, soon?”

“No problem! Hey, if you have any questions, you can text me anytime and we can arrange sessions to your liking.” He mentions. You try not to think that this is his way of saying “I want to keep meeting you” but you can’t help it. You want to keep meeting him some more, this point on, out of interest, but you didn’t want to get your hopes up. So, you settle with a nod and wave as you walk to the other side of the school.

That night both of you admire the works of the same sky; the heavens showering meteors across its vast blue expanses. The stars were evidently speaking, and Mark never forgot to text you the view of his balcony. It brought a smile to your face, replying with your own rooftop setting. Oh, to be connected like this. Unknowingly, it’ll be the start of something grander than what you intended.

All Mark wanted that day was to eat peacefully, as he was already stressed about his theology quiz after lunch time. Boy, he was wrong.

“Are the rumors true, Mark?” Chenle curiously asked the young man quietly eating his sandwich.

“What rumors?” Mark intriguingly replied.

“That you’re hanging out with Haze!!!” Chenle raised his voice, a little bit too loud for Renjun’s liking.

“You’re too loud. And ______ is her name. Address her the right way.” Renjun scolds him while slapping his shoulder. Chenle calms down for a bit and awaits Mark’s answer.

“If you’re talking about _____, then yes, we are meeting. But that’s only because I’ve been helping her with her Literature homework.” He genuinely responds.

“Ah I see. I thought you guys were hooking up. Whew.” Chenle sighs, which confused Mark even more.

“What does that mean? Why did you call her Haze?”

“You didn’t tell her Renjun? Man, I thought you were a real friend.” Chenle glares at Renjun and he slaps him as a reply.

“Well, first of all, it is none of our business. Second, I don’t agree with any of accusations towards her because I know she is an angel, and lastly… that is up to her if she wants to tell Mark, right?” Renjun calmly iterates.

“Okay, you guys are so confusing. What the hell are you guys talking about?” Mark exasperatedly sighs. Chenle rearranges his seating, almost as if he was about to drop some truth bomb.

“You see, _____ has gotten the nickname Haze because everyone who dates her seems to be in a spellbound when with her. She was always lovely in the beginning, but once the fog clears up, she dumps them.” He looks at Mark waiting to see his reaction to all of this. Mark just stares him unfazed.

“Girls just purely hate her because they say she plays with men’s hearts… especially hot ones. Boys on the other hand, reduce her to a sexual object. That is why is she is the so called, Haze. Unbearable, dull, and evil.” Renjun shakes his head of disapproval. Mark seems to be in thought for a while, looks down at his food, and resumes eating.

“Aren’t you at all scared of what everyone’s going to think of you? You’ll be called Haze’s next victim.” Chenle exclaims.

“Right, because you haven’t met her yet.” He heavily places his utensils down.

“Any of those descriptions don’t resound to the ______ that I know. I don’t really care what her past was, and I’m just a mere tutor to her Literature homework... Nothing more, nothing less.” Mark continues drinking his lemonade but stops midway.

“But if you continue to disrespect her like that, I will have issues with you, Chenle.” He stares right back at him. Mark is rarely seen mad in the group, and the boys got the message loud and clear.

“See Lele, don’t play with Mark. Besides, Mark is nowhere hot as the ones _____ dated so we are good.” Renjun jokes and Chenle laughs exaggeratedly.

“What the hell does that mean?!” Mark exclaims.

“Hell yeah, Mark is neither as handsome and talented as Yuta or Jaehyun.”

Mark almost spats his food, luckily, he just coughed. Most surprised because of the latter name, because you and Jaehyun seems to still be close friends. “She dated them?”

“More of the notable ones. Just think of the hottest boys in this college, 10/10 chances she dated them before.” Chenle mentions. This makes Mark reflect on his own, not because he shames you for your choices, but rather than his own appearance and status towards these more attractive men.

“Anyway, whatever happens don’t cry when you fall for her, okay?” Renjun pinches Mark’s cheek and Mark removes his fingers briskly.

“Like I said, nothing less… nothing more.” He glances at your table across the room and reaffirms his feelings.

The second session was of an exciting nature. You guys met in the same library but this time you wore the right clothes for the weather. Desperately trying to be early but ultimately failing, you see the silhouette of the man at your usual spot. He was wearing a denim jacket with a striped sweater underneath. This time around, he was still wearing his glasses that complimented his black vans sneakers. You are wearing your gray sweatshirt today with your cargo pants, opting for a more casual vibe. You slowly walked up to him and softly said your “hey” to get the young man’s attention. He notices and greets you with a familiar smile. During this time, you had more chances to get to know each other even more. How Mark doesn’t like frozen yogurt and ketchups, and how you are deathly allergic to shrimp and afraid of the thunder. Little things he did, you also started noticing. His mannerisms, like saying “honestly” a lot, or moving a lot while laughing. These little things told you how he is as a person. These were also the times when you seem to notice how his touch seems to linger slightly longer and his pale blush resurfacing underneath his cheeks when you stare a little too long. At the time, you thought you were imagining it, but one thing’s for sure… his presence eases you enough that you forget, even for just a moment, that the world is not closing in upon you.

Simple things, you said. But you heart does not deem it simple. They start to matter. They start to be engraved in your being.

This was unlike any of your encounters. And that is where the danger lies.

Time flew faster the second time around. Unaware of the passage of time, it was your growling stomach alerted you that it was already past school hours. Mark glanced at the clock on his left, and he quickly realized that he kept you longer than usual. You were already thinking of either stopping for groceries or eating at a place nearby when these thoughts were stopped when Mark spoke with clarity.

“I know it is kinda late, but do you maybe... want to grab something to eat?” He asks sincerely. “It’s okay if you say no, I know you are busy with everything and I’m a stranger—”

You chuckled at his offer, and this stops him from embarrassing himself with running sentences.

“I am absolutely down to eat. Especially something warm, and not alone in this dreary weather.” You mention while looking at the white snow softly falling upon the pavements of the campus.

“Okay, I’ll drive you to some place warm then!” He excitedly cleans his stuff up and you can’t help but admire his child-like wonder.

Mark takes you to his favorite ramen place. This was the after-hour session that granted you to see Mark in a different light; someone beyond the confinement of the cream library walls you both were comfortable in. Some of your discoveries were: 1) Mark does not mind listening to your TMI stories, even more so, he jumps in with his own anecdotes. This made you extremely comfortable with him. 2) Mark seemed like someone you’ve met before, because you both understand each other with such ease. In some lifetime. In some way, shape, or form, he felt familiar. 3) Mark was non-judgemental. You never had to worry about how you act, because he welcomes you with his bright smile. Never judged. Pure and untainted. That was what you craved. You, however, believed you were beyond repair.

Within all the banter exchanged, dating or love life never came up in the conversation. This slightly made you nervous, as it might mean that he wasn’t interest with you. You were just a girl who is bad at writing and in need of help. Why would that matter? You did not know. He was just a tutor, right? Raging thoughts ran in your mind at surpassing rate. What if he is just playing with you? What if knew about everything and is just being nice to you because he feels bad?

“______, are you okay?” Mark’s gentle voice shakes your consciousness. The world was once in distortion, and with one sound, it was silent.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry just dozed for a bit.” You mention, brushing hair strands to the back of your ear.

“Hey, if you are worried about anything…” He starts rubbing his nape and turning his head away before finishing his thought.

“Even if it’s not Literature related, I hope you know—that you can tell me. No judgement.” He sneaks up a glance, anticipating for your reaction. Even without a mirror, you can tell that your cheeks got even redder than what it was winter hours ago. He doesn’t even know how much those words meant to you. You try to compose yourself at once, stubbornly refusing to admit your weakness for him.

Leaning your head slightly and you smiled sneakily. “Are you sure you can handle my secrets, Mark?”

“People say I’m a good listener and keeper of secrets. So, yes. Whenever you’re comfortable, lay it all on me.” He dramatically puts his right hand on his chests and acts assertively.

“Maybe, I’ll take you up on that offer soon. Thank you, genuinely, Mark.”

The night ended with him driving you home. Mark, aside from wanting to be a teacher, was passionate about music. He shared his favorite songs with you, and of course you made fun of his devotion to Justin Bieber. You also texted with him through the night, heck even for the rest of the week. It has now become a routine that you both share each other’s burdens. Almost like you guys are each other’s vent station. With your high tempered self, Mark diffuses you very well. With Mark’s constantly worried ass, you reassure him of his strengths very well. You complemented each other effortlessly.

It was good to be true, honestly. You try to enjoy it selfishly, but in the back of your head lies the thought that he will eventually leave you.

Mark was nervous about the last session, oddly because it was in a completely different setting than before. You both knew each farther than before. Furthermore, this closeness was unlike any of Mark’s experience. He found himself always looking forward to your texts, your monthly meetings, and even seeing you in the school halls. He wishes daily that he gets to see you once, so that his day becomes complete. Oh, he was head over heels, yet somewhat still in denial.

He has never found someone as genuine as you do. He fears the familiarity, as he was thinking of his heart’s ability to accept that you were out of league for him. So, he cut off most of the red strings even before they were starting to attach with one another. To him, you are one resplendent unreachable destination. Like a star.

As it was a busy school day, you both ended up starting the session very late. The destination of your final tutoring session ended up in Mark’s apartment. You shy away from his roommates, Chenle and Renjun, as they were extremely curious why you guys were hanging out this late in the evening. Mark’s embarrassed deflections did make you giggle a little bit, and it was enough to inspire you to complete the assignment. Mark was in his “chill” clothes, as he likes to call it. He was wearing a blue sweater with a white shirt underneath, paired with a new set of spectacles: clear ones which emphasized his doe-like eyes. As it was the final proof-reading, you gave it your all. Time passed excruciatingly swift, and the silence did not help with your already sleep-deprived state. Mark is quick to notice that your eyelids were slowly fluttering. Smiling to himself, he offers a solution.

“Mind going for a break?” He nudges your hand slightly, sparking fireworks into your brain.

You exasperatedly sighed and leaned your head across the table. “I thought you’d never asked.”

“There’s a convenience store near here and we could head for some sweets.”

“Nothing defeats sugar. Honestly.”

You were unaware of the weather conditions tonight.

The sky’s transparency was as its best. There were no humidity or dust. There are great seeing conditions, and celestial objects appear clearer than ever. The darkly expanse of a night made the stars shine effervescently. This atmosphere made this mundane memory an unforgettable one. Mark was carrying a plastic bag filled with snacks on his left and Melona ice cream bar in his right. He insisted on getting you a hot chocolate instead, because of how cold your hands felt earlier. Honestly, you were more stunned of how he noticed that, but his sweet gesture made your heart grew fonder of him. To be honest, you did not feel like heading back yet. When you passed by a playground, you invited him to the swings to gaze the glowing night even for just a moment. Being the nice guy he is, Mark gladly accepted your offer.

You took a glimpse of the hot drink before taking a slow sip of it, and Mark sat in the swing set beside you. There was tension in the air, and as much as you want to break it, you were afraid of its consequences. Greatly, the fates must have heard you, as Mark boldly knocks down your fears.

“This must be out of topic but…” He takes a pause, aware of its spontaneity.

“Have you ever regretted falling in love with someone?” Mark appears with an expression that you could only describe as filled with solemnity and sentiment. You’ve never seen him like this before, and it caught you more off guard than the question itself.

You gaze at the expanding sky above you, in the hopes it could give you the answer. Regrettably, it faced you like a mirror, and reminded you of all your past relationships you had. Was any of it worth the regret?

“To be completely honest with you Mark, I don’t think I have ever been completely in love to admittedly say I regret them.” You gave him a somber smile. He replies with an expression that mimics your melancholy.

“I know this sounds dark, but more so than regretting the people or the action of falling in love, I regret becoming an unrecognizable person in its process.” You admit with a heavy heart.

“I have always preoccupied myself with people, regardless of whether there is love existent within or not. I hate that I let it go on, give them too many chances, but I don’t regret choosing them.”

Trying not to shy away from his stare, you took a sharp breath before admitting further burden. “I act like their own version of best, into their ideal girlfriend, in the hopes of their approval. So, when everything goes wrong, I don’t regret the people, I hate…”

Myself.

You hate yourself for giving everything, and it still not being enough for people.

Expecting people to love you preciously. Like a jewel, worthy of value.

When deep inside you, there’s a part that says you did not truly love them.

You quickly stop yourself, holding back all the tears, because poor Mark should not be the ultimate receiver of your burdens. You let out a pitiful laugh, trying to light up the gloomy mood.

“That got dark quickly, huh?” You instantly remarked. He reassures you by shaking his head of disapproval. Mark offered you a snack in his bag, as a way of apology, and it made you smile genuinely.

“Thank you sharing that with me. I know, it is hard to be vulnerable.” Mark admits.

“I was just curious. You seem like a person who might know how it feels. Being popular and pretty and all that.” Mark shies away from admitting the latter sentiment, and despite you feeling giddy about his compliment, his expression makes you want to tease him more.

“So, you think I’m like a love expert? Wonderful of you to think that.” You joked around. He hits you in the arm slightly, before taking a bite of his ice cream.

“Well, let me return the question, Mark. Have you every regretted any of yours?”

“And since you opened these whole past loves talk… let me raise you another one. Do you think exes could stay friends?” You asked, giving him a quizzical expression.

Mark chuckles for a bit before giving your question much thought. “I think falling in love is such a strange and indescribable phenomenon. It is one of life’s treasures, as everyone experiences it at least once in their life. Yet, I think the experience is never deserving of blame, if the only reason for contempt is our choice of people to share it with.” You give him an impressed look. He is definitely an English major, alright.

“Similar to you, I also don’t regret any of them. I feel like I choose them for a reason, and I did not feel disingenuous to any of them. So, no. I don’t regret it.” He crosses his arms acting confident with that last sentence. You nod to show your understanding.

“As per the second question, I think it depends. If things ended badly, and there are issues unsettled, then, yeah, that would not end well. Of course, you can never go fully back to being just friends like before, but I think it is possible.” He admits honestly.

“How about you, _____?”

Now this is a treacherous question. You don’t know how aware Mark is of your history, but there is no way you can lie to him. With those eyes, it’s a losing game. So as always, you try to answer genuinely.

“Well… there are definitely exes that I prefer not speaking to ever again.” You chuckle and he joins in with you. “But there is also someone who proved me otherwise.”

Memories of your shared time with Jaehyun flashed across your mind. “He showed me how love is such a multi-faceted emotion, and that it could not only be romantic, but also deeply platonic. We are still friends until this day.”

You can’t help but smile with re-encountering all your shenanigans back then. Things did end between with you too, but it was not for bad reasons. Of course, you are not as close with him as before, but looking back it at now, it was ultimately for the best.

It was at this moment when you first notice how Mark’s expression changes. You were convinced that it was because the nightlights shifted, or the gust of wind passed by more swiftly than usual, but he seemed slightly saddened by your story. He avoids your concerning stare, stands up, and takes a deep breath before exhaling an exaggerated puff of air. It was time to go back home.

“You are really interesting; you know that right?” He jokes. “Nope. Just a bad writer.” You reply, he laughs in agreement. You both picked up your bag of snacks and sweets and preparing to go back to hell.

Mark knew he had no right to be jealous. You were not his. It was a first; Mark feeling this novel emotion. A stir in his being happened when you spoke of someone else with such glimmer in your eyes. Even more strongly, he wanted to beat those asshole exes of yours who broke your dear heart. This newfound feeling made him want you more. He wondered if you talk about him that way as well. He wondered if you would like him to take revenge. Oh, how Mark wishes he could tell you how you see him. How much you meant to him.

Underneath these stars. How breath-taking you look under the streetlights. With a smile worth countless fateful meeting. Eyes filled with moonlit understanding. He would never exchange this moment for anything.

When the two of you returned, the atmosphere shifted. It turned into a not-so-silent-anymore working session. Miraculously, after countless breakdowns (which consisted of you banging your head into the table and Mark encouraging you to keep going), binge-eating, and hearing his (harsh) yet critical feedback, your paper was finally done. Yes, its morning already.

“I am ready.” You told Mark as you were preparing to click the submit button in the assignment folder.

“You got this.” He replies, almost instinctively placing his hand on your back for moral support.

You cannot believe this was the final straw, and that after countless nights and sessions, it is over. As the website changes to File Submitted, both you and Mark raised your arms in celebration. Looking back at it now, what seemed to be Mark offering a high five, you mistook for a hug. Poor guy was caught by surprised. It took you a while to realize your action, and this created an awkward release. You bow your slightly, as your face for sure a shade of sherbet red.

“I-- I just want to say thank you. For everything.” You avert your attention to somewhere other than the man in front of you, and he endearingly does the same.

“N-No problem, _____. Happy to help you!” He timidly replies. You can’t help but look at the clock, shocked of how late or I guess early it has been. 7:50 am.

“God, I need to be home soon. Pretty sure my mom is going ballistic.” You scratch your head, imaging your mom scolding you for going over your curfew.

“Do you need a ride? I think I am still awake enough to drive.”

“No, its okay! I texted Renjun and I’ll be joining him take off to work, since it is near my place.” Mark nods while helping you clean up.

Both of you headed downstairs and just as you expected, you were greeted with sly smiles from Chenle and Renjun. It was too early to hear such uproar for staying the night, but you just ride along with the jokes. Mark offers you breakfast, but you decline knowing you already overstayed your welcome.

“Renjun, drive safely. I know how reckless you are.” Mark mentions as he escorts you to the door.

“Says you, dude. See you guys soon!” Renjun bids and you also wave towards Chenle. You offered Mark the best smiles, but instead he replies with a different expression. Mutually, you felt unaware of how to split ways. Of course, it’s not the end of the world, but it did feel like you were closing a chapter you didn’t want to end yet. You just waved your hand farewell, in the hopes that this was not the last meeting. He reciprocates this action, with a smile. Just as always.

This was your last meeting before the inevitable.

It was not exactly a joyous parting, because both of you know, to heart,

that there are so many things left unsaid.

You did not expect to drink this much when you came to this party. Nerves took a hold of you, and you hoped it made blurring these memories easier as ever before, Maybe you hoped to not remember the day after. Being with Haechan and Chenle did not help, as they continually were encouraging you to take shots whenever they win a game. You could’ve denied this, but seeing the guy beside you is also rejecting any, your competitive instinct chimed in. You were not really a lightweight, but something about being beside Mark lowered your tolerance. As the vivid warm lights shakily reflect upon the dark interiors of the living room, you take a little sip from the half empty cup. It is odd being beside Mark again after what felt like years. It was not like you did not meet at all after the sessions, but it was almost like both your paths were unwilling to intertwine. This night, however, was where ends meet.

The orbiting was over. You are headed for collision.

Mark breaks the ice, just like he always does.

“So… how did you do on your paper?” He stares at the cup resting in between his legs. You couldn’t help to recall the moments you shared because of that assignment. A smile erupts from your face before admitting gratitude. “Aced it, of course. Thanks to you.” You gesture your cup to offer a toast. He lets out a chuckle before meeting his cup unto yours. The drink tasted better because it was like a price of victory shared by two comrades.

“Glad to hear you’re doing okay, ______. I gotta admit, I do miss our tutoring sessions…” He ponders in thought before sneaking a quick glance to you.

“Now I’m just stuck baby sitting these rowdy seven-year-olds.” He points his cup towards Renjun and Chenle playing loudly at the beer pong table.

“Admit it Mark, you enjoy taking care of them.” You tease him by nudging his right arm.

“Clearly, you haven’t been around them long enough.”

“What you mean? I’m around boys all the time!” You pointed towards Jaehyun encouraging Jungwoo and Haechan taking alternating shots. He feigns acknowledgment.

“We’re built different, I guess?” He tilts his head slightly before leaning his back against the sofa. You mimic this action, taking in the sights of the colorful reflections of the ceiling. Silence sustains before you too, even though the music blasting and crowd roars were contrasting this echoing void.

“Are the drinks hitting you now, Mark?” You turn your head to towards your left, meeting his side profile gazing unto the ceiling. He slowly closes his eyes before smiling.

“A little bit. If I ever do pass out, please remind me that I still have something to ask you.” He slightly turns to face you, with eyes searching for answers. His hand falls on your left thigh, alerting your drunken senses into a slight panic. You feign nervousness and allow the alcohol to do the talking.

“Shoot your shot, Mark Lee.” You softly trace circles on the back of his hand. This happening was absolutely impossible without the alcohol in your body. The world was… ironically, like your nickname, filled with haze. However, Mark was in focus, even in these times. His eyes follow your gentle touch, before returning the irresistible gaze unto you. Filled with curiosity, he faces the ceiling one last time.

“Not here.” His voice comes out like low whisper.

“Then, where?”

He glances at your hand, clearly showing his drunken intentions. You notice how hesitant he was to hold it, so you offered your hand with palms facing upwards. Mark smiles artlessly, before grabbing it and leading you out of the crowd. Of course, Mark holding someone else’s hand and heading upstairs is going to spark some rumors. Most especially, you so-called Haze, glances were lingering longer than usual. Despite all the chaos, you did not mind. You simply averted your attention towards Mark’s warm hands and broad shoulders leading you towards Jungwoo’s guest bedroom.

What an unexpected turn of events.

You and Mark Lee alone together in a room. Heartbeats can be heard even through the bass speaker blasting at the first floor. Nerves were picking up on record speed. No doubt, it was yours.

As you sit in the bed, all you can think about is what you’re wearing. The black dress has entered you in a battle zone. You try to rack your brain on every possible scenario, because for the life of you, don’t know what Mark is going to ask. There are so many things that you intentionally kept from him. Has he heard all the bad things about you, and now breaking off your friendship? Is he just like the assholes that took you for granted? You sincerely hoped its not the latter. Because Mark was different. You believed that to heart.

He seems to notice how quiet and nervous you are, so he admits his truth right away.

“Sorry, I don’t want to make it seem like I am going to take advantage you or anything—” He assures you. You giggle at his honesty.

“I just want to get out of the crowds for a bit. I feel like it makes me even more drunk.” He lays down the bed, and you do the same.

“You don’t really seem like that person, Mark.” You rest your hands on your stomach calming the restless butterflies in it.

“Then, what kind of person am I to you, _____?”

Mark’s low and whisper-like voice reverberate in the room. You can feel his gaze on your side, and this energizes your mind like a hamster on a spinning wheel. Doubts flooded your mind again. You were unwilling to risk the heartbreak again, so you answer with closed thoughts. However, this was an impossible task, as you were tipsy enough that you could pour your heart towards him and have no recollection the next day.

You calmed yourself down and answered honestly. “Mark, you are the kind of person who sees the lighter side of things. Despite my constant anger and blabbering rants, you listen and search for positivity even through it.” You cowardly talked towards the ceiling.

“I admire that about you, not everyone can be like that. You are such a genuine and kind-hearted friend, Mark.” The last words were lathered with your true feelings, and you face his direction this time. You were truly grateful of Mark. So much you want him to be beside you all the time. You were greedy enough to despise the word friend. Because for once, you want to be someone of meaning to his existence.

“Wow, I didn’t think you thought so highly of me. I thought I was just your harsh English tutor.” He jokes.

“Well, of course you were, but I knew I could rely on you, any time of the day. I can recall your words of encouragement when I need them the most and… that’s really special.” You slowly admit your thanks towards the man, but you know it was not all you wanted to say to him. You want to tell him how the starry sky seemed to appear whenever his around. How seismic events sees to happen in your entire being whenever he stands close to you. How you want to dance with him even under a heavy rain, because you know he won’t let you slip. How you want to bend the fates and convince the orbits for your paths to meet in the expanse of the never-ending universe. You want to be the person he considers most precious. These were all you want. And those thoughts will stay with yourself that way.

Mark looks toward the ceiling. You were unaware of what is going through his head right now. You blame the alcohol for your next actions, but bravery strikes once again.

“What kind of person do you think I am, Mark?”

Various words pass through your mind. Names you were called by.

Whore. Fuckgirl. Unworthy. Fake.

Haze. Blurring and undefined. Something you can’t get rid of.

“______ is a person who’s unaware.” He stops at this statement. You quickly turn your face towards him.

“Unaware of what?” You curiously ask. He blinks slowly, retaining his gaze unto the ceiling.

“Unaware of how caring of a person you are. Unaware that you impact people more than you know. Unaware that there are people out there who love you dearly.” He mentions these words straightforwardly.

“You have such a beautiful soul, _______. I hope you know that.” He turns to face you once more. You search for lies in his eyes, but it is nowhere to be found. The words you just heard were quite unbelievable.

“I—I don’t feel like that at all. In fact, I feel the exact opposite.” You admit honestly. Mark follows your actions and leans forward to listen.

“I feel like I am burden to other people because of who I am. You are just saying that because you are affected by my haze, Mark. Most people are praying for my downfall.”

“That is not true, _____.”

“I want to believe you, Mark. I really do. But—” Tears were starting to well up in your eyes.

“Anyone who dares to be near me can never have peace. I can never give you that, Mark. I would never be enough—” Mark interrupts your meltdown by placing his hand on your upper back.

“The Haze they are describing to me, is not you at all, _______. I’ve met you, and I did not see a person who is reckless of people’s feelings. You were a delight to my presence, and never did I want our time to stop.” He stoops low on the floor to meet your gaze. You could not face him, knowing he knows what people have said.

“_______, look at me.” Mark tucks your hair behind your ear, and his touch felt like sparks on your cold skin. His expression was filled with concern, almost as if he doesn’t bear the sight of your looking this unhappy.

“I hope you see yourself, like I see you.” He utters while staring at your defeated soul. His hand is now in your cheeks, slowly wiping the tears flowing across them. Your hands are now shaking, but you close your eyes, desperately holding his hand and pressing its warmth unto yours. The closeness was inevitable now. Despite alcohol setting your head on fire, your desires were clear. You want to be close to him. More so than ever before.

“Mark…” His name comes out like a breathy plead. You stare him back reciprocating his eyes craving of touch and yearning. Your eyes fall unto his lips, and that was it, your intentions were loud and clear.

“Will you let me?” His mellow expression expressed his desire. You reply by closing your eyes.

This time, you surrender.

Mark brings you closer to meet his lips, and this is where it all starts.

Inescapable. You did not try to get out of it.

You burned but electrified. It was clear.

Little do you know that was the start of something far beyond your control. One minute you were talking, the next thing, hands were in places that it shouldn’t be. His soft lips were on yours longing for more. You give in, reciprocating every bit of desire he gives you. He allows you to take a breath, eyes never leaving you for one second, before hastily retuning his stained lips unto yours. Your back was now against the headboard, shoes fully on the bed, and for once, the white sheets felt dirtied by your black satin dress. You reach for his neck, supporting yourself to lay comfortably into the pillows.

Mark kisses you with every cent on intention, as if he want you to feel like the most loved and precious person in the room. His right hand is now in your waist, holding you ever so gently to make sure that he is not pushing you too hard. His left-hand lays rest on the bed for support, as he tilts his head to deepen the kiss. The heat between you two was not dissipating, and it was only growing stronger and stronger, as your heart longs for more of him. He moves on from your lips to your cheek, enveloping your face with loving presses. His resting hand traveled unto the edge of skirt, slightly raising it to softly caress your thigh. He breaks the kiss to removes his jacket and reaches for your hand urging you to touch him even more. So, you return the favor by putting your hand in his chest and touching his chin bringing him closer once again.

Sights were blurry, but Mark’s touch was defined. It was then when you see Mark’s expression clearly. Dilated pupils, disheveled hair, and lipstick-stained lips that shook your sense. Slowly, you realized this was not what you wanted. This was not how you wanted everything to go. For once in your life, you wanted something to treasure. You wanted to confess, tell him everything honestly under simple circumstances. Naturally grow into loving and trusting each other. Letting him know everyday how much he means to you. Not in this way, again. This just proves that everyone was right. You can’t get any guy you like unless you sleep with them. You attract people close enough to their downfall.

You want him to find solace in you, not be someone who would just satisfy his drunken desire. You remember the Mark, you wanted to treasure.

You can’t do this to him. He is going to end up broken like you.

This was a mistake.

It was when he started kissing your ears and neck, when you realized that the line you desperately wanted to uphold has now been crossed. As you lean your forehead over his shoulder, tears started falling out of your eyes. Mark immediately stops his actions.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Mark holds you by the shoulder, your shivering hands still in his chest.

“I—I can’t do this, Mark.” You say in choked sobs.

“Why? Did I do something--” You avoid his gaze, as you know that the moment you face him back you can’t resist yourself. Because he has always been your weakness. Before you even hear his answer, you remove yourself from the situation. You get out of the room, hearing Mark’s calls out to you on the way downstairs.

With tears in your eyes, the scenery was even more obscure. Lights were colliding into one. Faces were unrecognizable. You try to find Ryujin amongst the people, but by quickly checking your phone you realize that she texted you that she had to leave early. You curse to yourself, but out of desperation you asked the only person who can take you home tonight. You reach Jaehyun, who was the designated driver of the night, who upon seeing you can’t help how lost you are.

“C--can you take me home?” You reach the fabric of his shirt just in time for your mind to think straight. Clear enough you were losing your balance. He notices your teary state right away.

“You, okay?” Jaehyun checks up on you, clearly in a mess.

“Please, Jae. I don’t want to be here right now.”

He looks behind you and notices a rumpled and worried Mark clearly looking for you. You hear Mark calling your name, so you tried to hide and avoid Mark from seeing you. Jaehyun immediately holds your arm almost in defense when Mark spots you.

“Hey buddy, I don’t know what happened, but _____ clearly isn’t in a clear state of mind. Don’t worry, I’ll take her home.” His tone seemed genuinely worried, and it broke your heart even more.

Mark sighs out of regretful surrender. “Just be safe, okay?”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Jaehyun chuckles tapping Mark’s shoulder. All throughout the drive, Jaehyun was quiet. Almost as if he was waiting for you to tell him anything. You were already in a spiral deep regret and tears, so you just tried to count the passing lights hoping that the shame will melt away soon. Before you left, he gave you reassuring words partnered with his dimpled smile. You never forgot to thank him for tolerating your drunken state. You fell straight into the bed, desperately trying to forget the sins that happened hours ago.

Life wakes you with the light of your bedroom window, accompanied with a hangover typical of your night extravaganza. Sadly, moments of last night were not erased. You still remember how it felt kissing him. His touches of reassurance. His face when you left the room. How disheartened he was. You were to blame as always. You were not in shape to go to classes anyways, so you spend the rest of your day distracting yourself and running away from your mistakes.

What seemed to be merely hours, now lead into days. Your phone has been buzzing for quite some time now, but you were not in any way capable of answering questions. You just stuck towards your same routine hoping that it will make you feel better, but deep inside you knew that it was just escaping the truth. After settling your thoughts, and a very convincing argument made by Ryujin, you managed to get up from the bed and actually go to school after a while.

Classes go on as usual and your friends were aware vaguely of what happened, but they respected your space. However, they always stuck by you and helped you in avoiding any kind of confrontation with Mark. You see him in the hallways and the cafeteria tables, even from afar you recognize his usual worried expression. You avoid from staring too long and try to go on by your day to day.

During your spare time, you notice a text from an unusual contact of yours. Yuta Nakamoto. Your ex-boyfriend. The bastard who cheated on you.

He asks to meet you at the tables near the football field after class. It was weird that he called you out of the blue, as you both did not talk at all after the breakup. Well, after you learned that he talked to his teammates about how you were an easy girl who would do anything he wants. To add insult to injury, he also cheated on you. So yeah, he is not someone who you probably should talk to. Still, something in your gut wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so you met him at the said area.

“What is it you want, Yuta?” You angrily said towards the young man wearing his usual red flannel and khaki pants.

“Damn, no sweet greetings at all? We haven’t seen each other in a while.” Yuta kids around like the olden days. You were not having any of it, so you just rolled your eyes.

“God, feisty as always. I just want to catch up with you, you know. How you’re doing?” He reaches for you hand placed upon the table. You quickly avoid any advances, as he was not worth entertaining at all.

“We’re not friends, Yuta. I could give less care about your life, as you should.” You stare him down. The man looks dejected ruining his chances.

“If that’s all, I’m leaving.” You add, quickly standing from your seat and walking away.

“Wait, _____!” Yuta’s voice echoes in even in the open field. He grabs hold of your arm which cause you to stop on your tracks and face him.

“I want you back, ______.” Yuta confesses. This shakes your core. “These past few months have been hell, and I realized how shitty I treated you and I—” The man takes a deep breath.

“I am a lost cause without you, ______.” Yuta admits while pressing your hand unto his. You search for sincerity or any truth behind in his eyes, but you can’t find it. He was not a changed man. He was still the same person who treated you like you were an accessory.

“How dare you act like you’ve been through hell, Yuta? When throughout our time together you treated me like shit? Oh, let me remind you again. I’m ______, the easy girl to mess around with! Yes, the one who caught you cheating!” You raise your voice, not withholding any anger pouring from all the mistreatments.

“That was a mistake, I promise to be better this time.” He pleads while holding unto your wrist tighter this time, and despite how much you want to let go he was too strong.

“Let me go, Yuta! I said I don’t want to be with you.” You desperately try remove yourself from the situation. Yuta was about to hug you when a person interfered your conversation.

“Hey man, she said let go.” The voice recalled by your heart said. It was none other than Mark.

Mark held your left arm before stopping Yuta from his grasp on you. Yuta scoffs at Mark’s actions. He combs his hair out of frustration, rolling his eyes out of anger.

“So, is this the new boyfriend I heard about, _____?” He glares at you. Mark guards you on his side out of instinct.

“Your new plaything, huh? Good for you, sweetie.” Yuta mockingly says.

“Why do you even care?” You reply. He laughs in disbelief before turning his gaze over Mark.

“Buddy, piece of advice...” Yuta places his right hand over on Mark’s shoulder.

“Run while you still can. This bitch is just playing with you.”

“She’s Haze. She’s going to blind and confuse you for as long as she wants, and then, dumps you for inconvenience. That’s just who she is.” His gaze was filled with revulsion. Despite hearing these words repeatedly, shame still tightens your being.

You felt Mark’s grip on your arm tighten, looking up and it was the first time you’ve seen Mark in such an angered state. He swats Yuta’s arm before uttering his reply.

“You don’t know her at all, nor did you take the time to really do. So, fuck off, will you?” Mark fake smiles at the end of his statement. Yuta holds his arm in surrender.

“Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.” He mentions nonchalantly while walking away.

You let out a deep sigh before placing your hand on your forehead out of frustration. Mark’s hands still grip on yours; he faces you filled with concern.

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” He checks up on you searching for any injuries.

“I’m fine, Mark.” You lie, immediately detaching yourself from his touch.

“You are clearly not.” Mark declares. You know he was right, so frustration seeps out of your shameful state.

“That’s none of your business anymore. Now, I must go.” To avoid any more confrontation, you walked away once more.

“_______, you can’t run away from me anymore. We need to talk about what happened.” He said in a troubled tone. This made you stop in your tracks.

“We have something, right? Please tell me, I’m not the only one feeling this.” His voice now arriving closer. The wind was blowing stronger than usual, and the air was dry as it can be. Thunderous rain will happen, but you know it is the atmosphere’s signal… turn your back. You took a deep breath before facing him once again. His face paints a painful expression. Just like a mirror, you felt his pain even across physical entities.

“Mark, you don’t know how much… I want to keep you.” You choke up the tears that want to come out.

“Just when I found you and I soon realize that you were the person I could ever hoped and dreamed of, and just like always… I ruined it.” You touch your nape out of frustration.

Mark stills his gaze, as you continue pouring your heart out. “I wanted to treasure you for as long as I could, to let you see who I truly am. That I am not the person they say who I am. Desperately begging for the stars that you’d love me beyond the mistakes I’ve made in the past. But that night, I broke my own promise. I went back to the past, hoping that you could prove my worth. I gave in to my selfish desires, because I am broken, Mark.” You point towards your heart hoping that Mark would understand painful state it was in. All that did was ignite the tears in your eyes. Mark holds your hand ever so closely.

“Please don’t ever say it was a mistake. I can bear all the pain, ______ but you deserve so much more than what the world is treating you.” He hugs you tightly, despite shivering.

“I just don’t want to see you breaking.” The words reverberate into the air in a desperate whisper. He hopes for the opposite, but it broke your heart even more.

“Please don’t say it’s over.” His warmth felt cold against your already lost state. He is not your savior, nor can he fix you.

“Mark, I can’t let you bear my weight. You need to let me go.” You gaze at his teary eyes.

“Will you let me go to piece myself back together?” You held his face under your cold hands, tears streaming down your faces. He closes his eyes, an angel’s tear falling on his cheek. His expression showed how hurt he was from your question. He did not want to lose you. Now, more than ever before. But he also knew, this was not your time of meeting. All he could do was nod, unable to form any words. You mouthed the words of thank you, before turning your back to him one last time. At that moment, both of you met, but not really fated.

The night of the Perseids.

A year has passed since you and Mark fought and reached an ultimatum. It was clear you needed some time to heal and reassess your priorities. Rome was not built overnight. After therapy, family hangouts and focusing on hobbies that truly sparked your joy, you can say for in fact, that you are getting better.

Just in time for one of the most prominent meteor showers, and this was your reward.

Did you miss Mark when you were gone? Absolutely.

Did it kill you not to jump at his arms every time you saw him? Yes.

Were you worried of losing him completely? In every waking moment.

You did not ask him to wait for you. Nor was there any binding contract stating that he is not allowed to date at all. You seem him around girls who may or may not have been hitting with him, but despite that you remained strong. Not because you trust him to come running back to you, but more so, as crazy as it sounds, left it up to the heavens. If the time comes that you were comfortable enough with yourself, he will be there. Throughout your countless meetings with Mark in the past, the sky is always respondent. If that is not more of fate’s reassurance, then you don’t know what.

You set up your equipment in one of the only known places where you can perfectly see the night showers. It is a secluded watchtower, located at the outskirt of the city. Not many people know about this place, but it was here where you often come to see the stars ever since you were young. You place the sherpa blankets on the wooden floor and position the telescope, despite having little snacks and an obvious lack of company for enjoyment. Everyone seemed busy with a bunch of stuff, so no one was able to get your invite. You were already understanding for not many people shared your interests in the celestials.

As you were about to check your phone for any updates, you immediately sensed of movement at the ground. Scared for your life was your initial emotion, as you were in such a secretive and vulnerable state at a height like this. It was when you glanced at the ground, you recognize the black denim sherpa jacket, ochre khaki pants, and white sneakers you always loved. Only one person can pull this off.

Mark Lee.

“Mind if I join you?” He yells intended for you to hear up top. “I brought some snacks and music!” Mark raised your favorite crisps and sweets, as well as his acoustic guitar. Classic Mark Lee move, you thought.

“Sure, come on up!” You replied, immediately cleaning up and composing yourself as this was your first time meeting each other in a while.

When he reaches your stargazing set up, you welcomed him to sit beside you and take a rest.

“Woah, is that a real telescope? It’s huge!” He exclaimed with child-like amusement walking towards the gadget.

“Uh yeah! It was gifted by my father, who also was fascinated with the stars.” You follow his actions. Taking the time to teach him how it functions and by his excited tone, he truly was enthralled. These little things made you fall for him the first time. You were reminded of that just now.

You walked back to your seat and took a quick look at the time. There were still a couple minutes before the showers start, so you chug your hot chocolate to warm yourself up. Mark seats besides you one last time, clearly, wanting to say something. You beat to him this time.

“So how have you been, Mark?” You took a sip after the inquiry.

“I—I have been fine. Winter semester ended roughly, but honestly, I’m glad it’s over.”

You nod in agreement. “How about you?” His words hang on the air a bit longer than you’ve hoped. Still, you answer, with an open heart.

“I’ve never been better. I feel it genuinely this time. Therapy and Journaling helps, I kid you not.” You mention while glancing at his serious face. He smiles after hearing your answer.

“That’s good then. I’m happy for you, ______. I really am.” He reassures with his eyes never unyielding.

The air still denser as ever, as you both look at the stars hoping it will answer for you. And it did.

“I—” “Do—” You both spoke simultaneously. Almost as if you were in the same wavelengths right at this moment. Smiles erupted instinctively.

“I feel like I always talk, so you can go first, Mark.” You jokingly said. He chuckles with you, sarcastically agreeing with the sentiment. He takes a sharp inhale before recollecting his memories.

“Do you remember when we first met?” Mark asks. You nod as a reply, letting him continue.

“You see, _______. I did not know anything about you when we met that night. All I really thought was that you looked really cool in that biker jacket and that you are so kind to listen to a stranger’s messy guitar performance. I really just came there because Haechan told me to, but having to meet you and have a beautiful student to tutor English? I scored a goal.” He honestly states. His tone made you laugh.

“After getting to know you, I realized how kindness and charm just naturally radiates from you. You weren’t afraid to be candid, vulnerable, and were always willing to go all out to care for their friend. Your studying face was also quite adorable, let me tell you that.” You smile while lowering your head out of shyness from his compliments. He stops for a second to form his next few sentences.

“I did not really care for about people’s rumors about you, or how many you dated, because I knew that the person, I saw during our sessions was the real ______. I believed that someone with a heart like yours was never able to do that.” His gaze was on the sky, before laying his hand at the back to lean.

“To be honest, I was scared too. I knew that you were a person who know what she wants. A go getter. What can an average looking English major dude, still figuring out his life, compete with his handsome more achieving exes? Not even close. I thought.” You quickly shake your head in disagreement and him kindly smiles at your response.

“However, each second of our time together, I still hoped that one day you would look my way and notice that I was not just a friend. I hoped to be someone more. That was what I hoped that night at Jungwoo’s. I was desperate to make you feel loved, make you feel how much I adore you, but instead I just hurt you. I am truly sorry.” He suddenly looks dejected. You held his right hand softly caressing it before uttering your first reply.

“That kiss I could never forget. Even after a lifetime.”

“Am I that good? You’re making me blush, ______. I am not even finished.” He shyly says, covering his face with his left hand. You tap him in the shoulder encourage him to continue.

“But even after all we’ve been through, my heart still is sure. What we have is something worth pursuing. Day and night, I thought of being together with you. Wishing everything went smoothly. Wishing I was more courageous.”

“The ceaseless yearning; the ones I begged for the stars ever night, made me fall even harder for you. Hard enough that I am willing to wait. No matter what. Because I know that’s what you need.” He mentions. You recall that he was the man worth waiting for. You can’t believe you were worth waiting for too. Tears start to fall to your lap, for despite countless o times you feel like you felt unworthy of love, there is still someone who is willing to love you. He intertwines his hand into yours, gently kissing it to reassure your tears. He patiently waits for your answer, so you wipe your tears and rephrase your countless thoughts to pour your heart unto the man who just poured his. “Let me remind you, I am a good listener and keeper of secrets.” He recalls your first conversation. You laugh at his offer. He was right though. You filled your lungs with the cold-stricken air surround you.

“I was scared, Mark…” You finally admit.

“Most of my life, I just picked, choose, and hoped they would return the love I gave them. I selflessly gave them whatever I have until I can’t anymore. I ran out of it--- love.” You gesture at your cold chest.

“I am not claiming to be a victim, because I knew deep inside, that I was desperate of wanting to be loved that I also lack in more ways than one. But —” You try to compose yourself from crying once again.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m here to listen. No judgement.” He is now facing you, reaching for your shaking right hand to steady it, and you held it tightly.

“Maybe you could say I atoned for my sins, that I wanted to redo all the mess that I’ve made. But believe me when I say that it was not until I met you, I recognize that I was deserving of more.”

“I kept searching for it and now that I am close to you, I am afraid that you’ll turn your back to me just like everyone who saw my past and left. I already made the mistake by hopelessly roaming around, but you, Mark… you are not my mistake.” You stared at his glowing orbs before admitting the remains inside your heart.

“This time you were the only thing that’s right.”

You gave a comforting smile, with a tear flowing in your eyes. Mark notices this and gently wipes it across your eyes.

“Thank you for telling me. ______, you are still one of the bravest… and talkative souls I know.” He jokes around and this turns your tears into happy ones. You look at him straight on this time, never running away from the presence of the man who loves your unconditionally. Marks looks at you like you are the only thing that matters against this vast expanse of a universe.

“This time around, ______—” He touches your cheek ever so warmly.

“Will you let me love you… just how you eternally deserve it?”

His eyes were unwavering of truth. These eyes were never going to let you go. These eyes are the one you trust.

“Yes.” And this time you mean it. Each of your forehead’s are touching, transferring heat upon contact.

“Will you let me kiss you this time?” You joke, recalling your first encounter. Mark chuckles at your frank comment.

“Will never say no to that.” He replies. And slowly you kiss him, unlike you ever kissed before. Ever so softly, ever so loving. Like you waited for a lifetime to do so. Both your lips found each others rhythm, and in perfect unison. Intertwining with no faults. It was more than just perfect. The alarm then rings, and almost instinctively you both look at the sky.

“Oh my god, I see them! Right there!” You see the first few shooting stars crossing the horizons. Mark jumps excitedly and moves in closer to the telescope.

“They are more beautiful than I expected.” He mentions while wrapping his arms at the curve of your back. You lean in his chest admiring at the star filled sky.

“Wait a second, how did you know I was here?” You suddenly interjected.

“Um… some bird might have told me.” He’s looking side to side, looking guilty as charged.

“I gotta thank Jaehyun, then.”

“How did you know it was him?” Mark surprisingly looks at you.

“Well, he is in support of us since day one. That man has good instincts.”

“Your special ex is?” He exclaims.

“What?! Now where did you get that information?” You release from his hug, mirroring his shocked reaction.

“I have my sources. You are clearly biased, not even telling your future man your location.” He crosses his arms. You scoff.

“Can’t believe we’re having our first fight not even minutes of being together.” You place your fingers towards your forehead in distress.

“Your boyfriend is petty, you got to deal with that.” Mark jokingly mentions.

“Okay Mr. Lee, I did not even say you were my boyfriend.” You tease.

He leans down closely towards you daringly. “So, what does a kiss of a lifetime mean then?”

“God, I knew you were gonna tease me about that.” You hit him in the shoulder, and this made both of you chuckle. For one last time, he holds you close never letting go of each other’s warmth. Unbeknownst to each other, you both thank the heavens for blessing your journey towards one another. It was not an easy path, but it was meant to happen the way that it did. Through seismic events and atmospheric conditions, Mark remains to love you, ceaselessly.

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