hecallsmeworthy-blog

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

Overcoming fear and anxiety

Ever had one of these nights where you just can’t seem to fall asleep, no matter how hard you try? This is where I’m at right now and I actually think I had way too much coffee way too late today, so I keep waking up and some kind of panic seems to overwhelm me. I haven’t had a night like this in ages, where I keep calling on the name of the Lord for help. But He reminded me just a few minutes ago that there was a time when nights like these were all I knew.

I don’t even remember when it started, but about two years ago, my whole life was dominated by fear. Fear of what the future might hold, fear of making mistakes with irreparable consequences, fear of basically everyone and everything. I could barely sleep or function; ending up in front of the toilet seat with the urge to throw up or sitting on the floor of our apartment, telling my husband I wanted to die, were almost a daily routine. I would even fall off a chair out of the blue, fainting due to a sudden panic attack. I don’t know if you have experienced anything like this before, but if you have, you know it sucks all the life out of you.

It was like a constant war was going on in my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking, paranoid that only bad things were going to happen in the future.

Today, I am beyond thankful to say, that this is all in the past. But I have been talking to so many women since and I have realized that I was not alone with what I’ve experienced. So many people are living in (constant) fear and it has to stop! Because one thing is for sure: FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD!

 1)      The war in our minds

As fear is not from God (if you don’t believe this, please read 1 John 4), it is obvious where it comes from. If you have experienced fear before – and even though fortunately not all of us have done so on a regular basis, we all have experienced it at one point or the other – you know what it does to you.

I have learned that most of the time, it starts in our minds. A thought comes up, maybe something that worries you and you start contemplating on it and the more you think about it, the more it turns into fear. It might just be a small voice in the beginning, but if you listen to it and feed it, it becomes louder and louder as you go.

The most dangerous thing that happens is that the voice in your head will also tell you to not talk to anyone about your thoughts, because nobody will understand or everybody is just going to think that you’re crazy, Wrong.

2)      Speak up

The day I started to get out of anxiety, was the day I spoke up about it. One of the most common strategies of the enemy is to keep things in the dark. He knows that as soon as they come to light, he doesn’t stand a chance. So he will do everything he can to keep you from speaking up. Don’t listen!

I started talking to a woman about things that had happened in my past and while talking she identified that I had developed some pretty dangerous and unhealthy, even destructive thought patterns over the years. As I hadn’t spoken up about them, they had manifested themselves and had become part of my ‘ordinary‘ every day life.

She gave me a very simple advice. It seemed way too simple to really make a difference at first, but it was the start of a beautiful story into freedom. I promised her that every time I would identify a negative thought in my mind, I would just say ‘Stop!‘ out loud and forbid myself to think about it any further. I remember feeling pretty silly the first few times and sometimes I even had to repeat it several times, but somehow it worked.

Well great, so you’re telling me that all I have to do to get rid of these thoughts is to say stop? Thanks for the talk, really. What if the thoughts keep coming?

Oh, they will for sure.

3)      Speak truth

We spent a lot of time feeding our minds with all kinds of information, taking in what society, the media and others tell us. We watch the news, realizing that we live in a broken world of catastrophes, we let the world tell us what to think. And we listen to ourselves. And through all of it to the lies of the enemy, even if we’re not aware of it.

So once we discover a destructive, negative and simply false thought (pattern), we not only have to identify and break it, we also have to exchange it with the truth.

I love the bible. We have such an amazing Father. There are so many reasons why, but have you ever realized how often the phrases ‘Do not worry‘ or ‘Don’t be afraid‘ are written in the bible? I love it so much! God knew that this would be something that a lot of us would suffer from, so He made sure that we could find at least one encouragement for each day in His word when it comes to fear.

So I began writing down scripture that deals with worry and fear.

Let me just name a few here:

-          Joshua 1:9

-          Psalms 3:5-8

-          Psalms 91:5-7 (basically the whole psalm actually)

-          Hebrews 13;5-6

-          1 Peter 5:2

-          1 John 4, 17b-18

-          … and many more.

So I wrote them down and every time I felt fear creeping in, I started proclaiming these truths, meaning I read them out loud. Even if I did not feel like it, I just read them.

Guys, God’s word in itself bears the power to transform. Even if you feel as weak as can be, the words have power. And the bible tells us that life and death are in the power of the tongue, so it’s important to say them out loud.

And let me tell you, it became easier. So everytime I started to worry, or fear seemed to overwhelm me, I told it to leave in Jesus‘ name and spoke God’s word over my life instead. And I felt peace.

The thoughts did not stop coming back completely over night, but I was able to identify and stop destructive thoughts faster and over time the loud voices in my head turned into a faint call.

4)      Know your triggers

About a year later, I was already much better off, but I realized that certain topics still made me very anxious and were like a trigger that sent me back to the times I described earlier and crippled me again. Although I felt so much stronger, I didn’t know what to do.

I desperately wanted to break these patterns, because I knew that I didn’t want to be dominated by fear.

So the Lord, in all His mercy, sent me to a conference, where I met another amazing woman. – Oh guys, getting to know godly women is such a treasure!

She told me how she dealt with situations like these and it was the key to more peace of mind.

She said that every time she felt that a certain topic made her feel uncomfortable, mad or anxious, she would pray and ask Jesus, why she was feeling this way. (You know, once we decide to speak up, we tend to talk to a lot of people about our thoughts how we feel – which is good, because it really helps to talk and they have good advice – but we barely go to the Lord himself, to ask for comfort and truth.) So she would ask Him and He would show her a situation that had happened and caused fear to enter and she would basically rebuke that it had any power over her life (in the authority of the name of Jesus) and ask Jesus what to believe instead and would replace fear with the truth. It sounded ‚special‘ to me at first, but I tried and wow. Things that had triggered fear and anxiety before, had no power over me anymore.

5)      Stay strong

So don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I don’t know fear anymore. I still live in a fallen world and the enemy hates to see us walking strong and courageously. So he will try again.

That’s why it’s so important to know your ‘weapons‘. One thing that has helped me to withstand the attacks of the enemy – next to all the things mentioned above – is to stay alert, as the bible tells us in Ephesians 6.

In this chapter of Ephesians you can find a description of the Armor of God. I strongly suggest reading it and – before you do anything else in the morning – make yourself aware of the fact that you’re wearing it or put it on consciously, if you haven’t done so before, so you will be armored for any kinds of attacks by the enemy.

 One thing you should keep in mind is – however strong fear may seem, our God is stronger! I have actually written a song about God pulled me out of the darkness. It is in German though and a translation doesn’t seem to do it justice. If you’re interested in it anyways just let me know and I’ll try anyways.

Praying for you today!

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

Delayed answers and the lies we believe

Have you ever asked God for something and received neither a ‘yes‘ nor a ‘no‘ as an answer? I'm pretty sure you’ve experienced this.

When it comes to God there is a third answer which is, I’d say, the most common one. At least that's how I experience it. This answer is not the human ‘maybe‘, because with God there is no maybe. No, His answer is often ‘wait‘.

Ever heard this one? If you’re like me, that's certainly not the answer you want to hear. Patience is not my strong suit. It is also rarely required in today's society. People already get nervous when they have to wait a minute too long for their fast food or if there’s a green light and the person in front of them doesn’t notice right away. Everything is supposed to be fast and while we are focused on the pace of things, we often miss another thing: depth.

Principles that apply to the natural world can also be transferred to the supernatural, divine realm. At least that’s what we tend to do. So, we also expect instant ‘fast food reactions‘ from God.

"Well God, you know my dearest wish is this or that. And since it is an actual heart's desire, it must have been you who planted it within me and since I want it so badly now... when can I expect a result?"

While that may sound over the top, we often treat God this way. And when His answer doesn‘t follow within the next week, we get frustrated. Some even turn completely away from God, because He does not work according to the fast food principle and therefore… perhaps doesn‘t exist at all? How can he make me suffer like this...? Or we are disappointed and retreat, perhaps doubting that God really is good. Or we doubt our heart's desire and tend to put it on the shelf or even let go off it completely.

Each of these reactions is perfectly understandable from a human perspective, but not one of them follows biblical principles. When we look at the stories of God with the characters of the Bible, God entrusts many of them with times of waiting. Here are just a few examples to illustrate this point: Abraham und Sarah, Jakob, Hanna, Rebekka, Noah, David,… and the list could certainly go on forever. The exciting thing is that ultimately each of these characters - despite highs and lows - ultimately ended up as winners and blessed people.

Why the waiting though?

If we believe in a God who spoke words and thus created the world, we know it‘s easy for Him to give us the things we long for.

Over the waiting period, I have exposed various thought patterns that creep in as we try to understand God's ways.

Maybe you can relate to one or the other.

Lies

I can not count the moments in which I‘ve wondered whether I have overlooked anything, or if there isn’t any possibility to somehow ‘produce‘ the fulfillment of my desire. In some cases that might work, but the question is whether you will ultimately really get what your heart is longing for, or just a fast food version of it.

While God answers our (heart's) desire with a 'wait', it is also possible – it actually is inevitable - that one (or 10, 20, 100) others are given a 'yes' and are blessed with what we desire so badly. It might be a spouse, a car, a job, a ministry at church, a child, a house ... Again and again in situations like these, I've caught myself wondering what it was that this person had understood in order to get their wish fulfilled and what I still had to learn, so that the same would happen to me. Sound familiar?

These thoughts are based on a fundamentally false image of God. God only gives us gifts based on our performance. False. In saying this we overestimate ourselves and underestimate God. In order to expose this lie, one does not even have to look in the Bible, but can simply take a look around. I can only recommend reading Paul’s letter to the Romans - such a relief! Even though we are unaware of it, at the same time we imply that God is punishing us for "not learning" or "failing" by denying us His presents and keeping us waiting even longer. I can not imagine what it would actually mean if God's mercy and gifts to us were indeed dependent on our actions. Oftentimes, this misconception is based on the fact that we have not fully grasped that God is really good and therefore wants only the best for the children he loves. The outcome may look different than we had imagined at the first glance, but his intentions are always good.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Subconsciously, I went as far as to imply God intentionally created flaws in my body to prevent my desire from being fulfilled, so I can learn instead of being blessed. Wow. You may be wondering how someone could possibly come up with such a perverted thought, but question once again whether you've not already had similar thoughts. God is perfect. He also said that everything He created was very good. The destruction of this perfection on earth was not his will, but a consequence of the Fall.

What it is all about

Now on to a final point that, I claim, is the breeding ground of all the previously mentioned lies. Maybe you have already subconsciously determined what the focus of each point was. Me. When it comes to our desires, we easily tend to ignore everybody and everything else. God included.

If we look at the stories of the people mentioned at the beginning, God never simply looked at them individually (although He sees each one individually and knows our wishes!). God always sees the bigger picture. He knows the other people on whom the (non-) fulfillment of your desire has an impact. He foresees YEARS. He sees your story from the end. While our view, if we are honest, is actually limited to the here and now, to this moment (because we have no further influence, even if we like to fool ourselves), He sees it all.

And if you're reading this and you're thinking: great, this isn’t comforting me at all, you'll probably like the next paragraph even less. It's not about you. Just as little as it is about me. Yes, God loves us and as His children He wants to bless us and He does, but in the end we are not made to get our selfish desires fulfilled, but we are created to glorify Him. Our life should, it can exalt Him! And that's why we often don‘t understand the wait. Because our focus is on ‘me‘. And as long as this is our perspective, the wait is exhausting, depressing, it might even destroy me. But in all the time of waiting, I have learned one thing: if HE is my focus, everything else becomes less important. And I stop asking and learn to trust. His presence teaches me that only He alone counts. That He is enough. And I understand that my identity is not in the fulfillment of my desire. I do not define myself as a wife, homeowner, manager, worship leader or mother or anything like that. First and foremost, I am His child, born to glorify Him with all I am. Am I allowed to enjoy His presents and is He happy to fulfill my heart's desire? Oh yeah! Is He glorified by the fact that the fulfillment cannot be taken for granted, but is supernatural instead? Oh yeah!

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Galatians 6:9

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GERMAN

Vom Warten und den Lügen, die wir glauben 

Hast du Gott jemals nach etwas gefragt und weder ein ‚Ja‘ noch ein ‚Nein‘ als Antwort erhalten? Ich bin mir ziemlich sicher, dass es in deinem Leben schon eine solche Situation gab.

Bei Gott gibt es nämlich noch eine dritte Antwortmöglichkeit und die kommt, wage ich zu behaupten, fast am Häufigsten vor. Zumindest erlebe ich es so. Diese Antwort ist nicht das menschliche „Vielleicht“, denn das gibt es bei Gott nicht. Gottes Wille ist eindeutig. Nein, seine Antwort lautet häufig „Warte“.

Schon einmal gehört? Wenn du so tickst wie ich, ist das sicher nicht die Antwort, die du hören möchtest. Geduld ist so gar nicht meine Stärke. Von der heutigen Gesellschaft wird sie auch selten noch abverlangt. Oft sind Menschen ja schon pikiert, wenn es in der Schlange des Fast Food-Restaurants einen Ticken zu langsam geht oder wenn jemand an der grünen Ampel nicht sofort losfährt, wird direkt gehupt. Alles soll schnell gehen und dabei büßen wir eine Sache oft ein: Tiefe.

So oft lassen sich Prinzipien die in der natürlichen Welt gelten auch auf übernatürliche, göttliche Prinzipien übertragen. Und wir übertragen sie erst recht. So erwarten wir als Menschen von Gott auch eine solche Fast Food-Reaktion.

„Nun Gott, ich habe diesen oder jenen (Herzens-) wunsch. Da es ein tatsächlicher Herzenswunsch ist, hast du ihn sicher auch in mich hinein gelegt und da er jetzt so intensiv ist… wann kann ich denn mit einem Ergebnis rechnen?“

Das klingt jetzt sehr plakativ, aber häufig gehen wir mit Gott genauso um. Und wenn seine Antwort nicht direkt innerhalb der nächsten Woche kommt, werden wir frustriert. Manche wenden sich gar ganz von Gott ab, da er nicht nach dem Wunschautomaten-Prinzip funktioniert und demnach vielleicht gar nicht existiert? Wie kann er mich so leiden lassen…? Oder aber wir sind enttäuscht und ziehen uns ins Schneckenhaus zurück und zweifeln vielleicht daran, ob Gott wirklich gut ist. Oder aber wir zweifeln an unserem Herzenswunsch und tendieren dazu, ihn ins Regal zu stellen oder gar ganz abzuhaken.

Jede einzelne dieser Reaktionen ist aus menschlicher Sicht absolut nachvollziehbar, keine jedoch folgt biblischen Prinzipien. Wenn wir uns die Geschichten Gottes mit den Charakteren der Bibel anschauen, hat Gott vielen Zeiten des Wartens zugetraut – und das drücke ich bewusst so aus. Ich nenne hier nur mal ein paar Beispiele, um diesen Standpunkt zu verdeutlichen: Abraham und Sarah, Jakob, Hanna, Rebekka, Noah, David,… und die Liste ließe sich sicher endlos fortführen. Spannend ist doch, dass letztendlich jeder dieser Charaktere – trotz Hochs und Tiefs – letztendlich als Sieger/in und Gesegnete/r aus der Situation herausgekommen ist.

Wieso aber die Wartezeit?

Wenn wir doch an einen Gott glauben, der Worte sprach und so die Welt schuf, ist es ihm doch ein Leichtes, uns die Dinge zu geben, nach denen wir uns sehnen.

Bei mir selbst habe ich über die Wartezeit hinweg verschiedene Denkmuster entlarvt, die sich einschleichen, wenn wir versuchen Gottes Wege zu verstehen.

Vielleicht findest Du dich in dem ein oder anderen wieder.

Lügen

Ich kann die Momente schon nicht mehr zählen, in denen ich darüber gegrübelt habe, ob ich irgendetwas übersehen habe, ob es nicht doch möglich ist, die Erfüllung meines Wunsches auf irgendeine Art und Weise zu „produzieren“. In manchen Fällen funktioniert das sicher auch, die Frage ist jedoch, ob man letztendlich wirklich das bekommt, wonach sich das Herz so sehr sehnt, oder nur eine Fast Food-Version davon.

Während Gott unseren (Herzens-) wunsch mit einem ‚Warte‘ beantwortet, ist es gleichzeitig möglich – es ist sogar sehr wahrscheinlich - , dass eine (oder 10, 20, 100) andere Person ein ‚Ja‘ bekommt und das, was wir uns doch so sehnlichst wünschen, dieser Person geschenkt wird. Das kann ein Ehepartner sein, ein Auto, ein Job, ein Dienst in der Gemeinde, ein Kind, ein Haus…  Immer wieder habe ich mich in solchen Situationen bei dem Gedanken erwischt, was diese Person wohl verstanden hat, dass sie nun ihren Wunsch erfüllt bekommt und was ich noch lernen muss, damit es bei mir auch soweit ist. Kennst Du diesen Gedanken?

Ihm liegt ein grundsätzliches falsches Gottesbild zugrunde. Gott beschenkt uns nur aufgrund unserer Leistung. Falsch. Damit machen wir uns größer und Gott kleiner. Um diese Lüge zu entlarven, muss man nicht einmal in die Bibel schauen, sondern kann sich allein in der Welt umschauen. Ich kann hierfür nur den kompletten Römerbrief empfehlen – welch eine Befreiung!

Auch wenn es uns nicht bewusst ist, unterstellen wir Gott damit gleichzeitig, dass er uns für das „Nicht-Lernen“ oder „Nicht-Leisten“ bestraft, indem er uns seine Geschenke verweigert und uns noch länger warten lässt.

Ich mag mir gar nicht ausmalen, was es tatsächlich bedeuten würde, wenn Gottes Barmherzigkeit und seine Geschenke an uns tatsächlich von unserem Tun abhängig wären.

Häufig liegt dieser Fehlannahme zugrunde, dass wir im Grunde nicht vollständig begriffen haben, dass Gott wirklich durch und durch gut ist und dementsprechend für seine Kinder, die er liebt, auch nur das Beste will. Das mag zwar im ersten Moment anders aussehen, als wir uns das vorgestellt habe, aber seine Intentionen sind immer gut.

Denn ich weiß genau, welche Pläne ich für euch gefasst habe‘, spricht der Herr. ‘Mein Plan ist, euch Heil zu geben und kein Leid. Ich gebe euch Zukunft und Hoffnung.

Jeremia 29, 11 (NLB)

Bei mir ging es unterbewusst sogar so weit, dass ich Gott unbewusst unterstellt habe, absichtlich einen Fehler in meine körperlichen Funktionen eingebaut zu haben, um meinen Wunsch zu verhindern, weil ich doch vorher noch so viel lernen kann. Wow. Vielleicht fragst du dich, wie man auf einen solch verqueren Gedanken kommen kann, aber hinterfrage dich einmal, ob dir nicht auch schon Ähnliches unterlaufen ist. Gott ist perfekt. Zu allem was er geschaffen hat sagte er, dass es sehr gut ist. Die Zerstörung dieser Perfektion auf der Erde war nicht sein Wille, sondern Folge des Sündenfalles.

Worum es geht

Nun komme ich zu einem letzten Punkt, von dem ich behaupte, dass er der Nährboden aller zuvor erwähnten Lügen ist. Vielleicht hast Du unterbewusst schon festgestellt, worauf der Fokus der einzelnen Punkte jeweils lag.  Auf mir. Wenn es um unsere Wünsche geht, tendieren wir leicht dazu, alle/s andere/n außen vor zu lassen. Gott eingeschlossen.

Schauen wir uns die Geschichten der zu Anfang genannten Personen an, hatte Gott nie nur sie persönlich im Blick (obwohl er jeden einzelnen sieht und seine Wünsche kennt, nicht falsch verstehen!). Gott sieht immer das große Bild. Er kennt die anderen Menschen auf die die (Nicht-) Erfüllung deines Wunsches Auswirkungen hat. Er sieht JAHRE voraus. Er sieht die Geschichte vom Ende her. Während unsere Sicht, wenn wir mal ehrlich sind, eigentlich sogar auf das Hier und Jetzt, genau auf diesen Moment beschränkt ist (denn weiter haben wir keinen Einfluss, auch wenn wir uns das gerne vormachen), sieht er das große Ganze.

Und wenn du das jetzt liest und dir denkst: Na super, das tröstet mich jetzt null, wird dir der nächste Absatz wahrscheinlich noch weniger gefallen. Es geht nicht um dich. Genauso wenig wie es um mich geht. Ja, Gott liebt uns und als seine Kinder will er uns beschenken und das tut er auch, aber ultimativ sind wir nicht dafür geschaffen, unsere selbstsüchtigen Wünsche erfüllt zu bekommen, sondern wir sind geschaffen, um ihn zu verherrlichen. Unser Leben soll, es DARF ihn groß machen! Und deshalb verstehen wir das Warten oft nicht. Weil unser Fokus auf mir liegt. Und solange er das tut, zieht das Warten runter, es nagt an mir, es kann mich zerstören.

Aber in all der Zeit des Wartens lerne ich eines: Wenn ER mein Fokus ist, verliert alles andere seinen Wert. Und ich höre auf zu fragen und lerne zu vertrauen. An sich lehrt mich seine Gegenwart, dass nur Er allein zählt. Dass Er genug ist. Und ich darf lernen, dass meine Identität nicht in der Erfüllung meines Wunsches liegt. Ich definiere mich nicht darüber, dass ich Ehefrau, Hausbesitzerin, Managerin, Mutter oder Ähnliches bin. In erster Linie bin ich sein Kind, geboren um IHN groß zu machen. Darf ich seine Geschenke genießen und freut er sich von Herzen, mir meinen Herzenswunsch zu erfüllen? Oh ja! Wird er dadurch verherrlicht, dass die Erfüllung nicht selbstverständlich ist, sondern gar übernatürlich erscheint? Oh ja!

Deshalb werdet nicht müde zu tun, was gut ist. Lasst euch nicht entmutigen und gebt nie auf, denn zur gegebenen Zeit werden wir auch den entsprechenden Segen ernten.

Galater 6,9

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

Human BE-ings?

Today I was inspired by three amazing women on Instagram, which eventually caused me to turn a simple handlettering-piece into a whole blog post.

I’m currently participating in a 30-day creative lettering challenge by @thecheerfulcupcake and the Holy Spirit has really spoken to me through it.

Today’s prompt was “This chapter feels really good.“

I found myself struggling with it at first, because we can find flaws in every current season if we focus on what we don’t have.

Then I saw @maker_mom ‘s post on it and she inspired me to not just letter the prompt but write down something about the current chapter of my life.

When I asked the Lord for a word for the year 2018 in January, I heard “restoration“ in my heart. Wow, what a powerful word! I don’t know about you, but when I think about restoration, I think about being active, putting pieces back together to rebuild something that has been destroyed or even taken away.

While I had to take everything relatively slow last year because of my surgery in March (which I didn’t do, to be honest), I was anxious to get going and be active again.

I mean, that’s what society teaches us, right? Do! Work hard! Improve constantly! Prove yourself! Deliver! Strive! Succeed! Don’t waste time! Keep up!

And in Christian circles we might add things like: Help others! and Deny yourself!

While these prompts may be encouraging at first, they wear us out pretty quickly. It’s not a coincidence that more and more people are suffering from burn out symptoms and/or are diagnosed with depression / exhaustion. I can relate.

What I realized just a few weeks ago though was, that not only had I tried to adopt to these standards of society and subconsciously tried to keep up, I had also transferred them unto my relationship with God.

I was constantly trying to prove myself to him. I wanted him to know that I was working hard to gain more knowledge and wisdom by studying His word. I invested a lot of time to minister at church and tried to teach others what I had learned about Him and His word so that they might grow as well.

I thought that if only I could prove to Him that I had learned my lessons and was ready, He might finally fulfill His promise and call me worthy to become a mother. Or get that permanent job. Or a house. I read my bible daily (for hours), listened to worship all day long etc etc. And it was great for a while, but then I got exhausted.

Why?

Because I had forgetten about what God had told me almost a year ago.

@sisi.roose gave a perfect statement today. “We are not called human DOings, but human BEings.“ Somewhere along the way the focus has shifted.

Society tells us that just BEing is not enough. We are defined by what we are DOing and how successful we are at it. Our worth is defined by our works.

With God it is different.

In His word He tells us to BE STILL and let HIM do the work. Over and over again. (Psalm 46:10; 1 Peter 3:4 etc…)

Nowadays people keep on making jokes about how lazy they are and how they love to relax. But are we really?

I still can’t believe how hard it is to just BE.

And still, this is what God wants us to ‘do‘ – just be. Because He finds us in the quiet place. Not in the striving, constantly running forward.

So when God said “restoration“ at the beginning of this year, He was telling me that HE was going to be the one to restore. Not me.

See, He loves quiet time with you. Because He wants to bless you. And He wants to tell you how precious you are to Him while just being. He calls you worthy. You don’t have to prove anything to Him. You don’t have to deliver, keep up, improve constantly, work hard and succeed all the time. Because Jesus already delivered and succeeded on the cross once and for all.

You are loved and cherished by God, your loving Father. His arms are opened wide for you today to just spend time with Him.

You don’t have to read. You don’t have to listen to a sermon. You don’t have to sing or write or draw. Just be. And He’ll meet you there.

GERMAN / DEUTSCHE VERSION Heute wurde ich von drei tollen Frauen auf Instagram inspiriert, was schließlich dazu führte, dass aus einer einfachen Handlettering-Seite ein ganzer Blogpost wurde. 

Momentan nehme ich an der #30daysofcreativelettering-Challenge von @thecheerfulcupcake teil und der Heilige Geist hat dadurch so viel zu mir gesprochen.

Das heutige Zitat lautet: "Dieses Kapitel fühlt sich wirklich gut an." 

Ich habe anfangs wirklich damit gehadert, denn es ist so einfach unzufrieden zu sein, wenn wir uns auf das konzentrieren, was wir (noch) nicht haben. 

Nachmittags bin ich dann auf @maker_moms Post gestoßen und war plötzlich so inspiriert nicht nur das Zitat zu gestalten, sondern etwas über das aktuelle Kapitel meines Lebens aufzuschreiben. 

Als ich Gott im Januar um ein Wort für das Jahr 2018 gebeten habe, hörte ich "Wiederherstellung" in meinem Herzen. Wow, was für ein mächtiges Wort! 

Ich weiß nicht wie es dir geht, aber wenn ich an Wiederherstellung denke, denke ich daran, aktiv zu sein, Teile wieder zusammenzusetzen um etwas wieder aufzubauen, das zerstört oder sogar weggenommen wurde. Während ich letztes Jahr wegen meiner Operation im März alles relativ langsam angehen musste (was ich ehrlich gesagt nicht wirklich getan habe), konnte ich es dieses Jahr kaum abwarten, wieder aktiv zu werden. 

Ich meine, das lehrt uns doch die Gesellschaft, oder? 

Tu! Arbeite hart! Verbessere dich kontinuierlich! Beweise dich! Liefer ab! Strebe nach Besserung! Sei erfolgreich! Verliere bloß keine Zeit!  

Und in christlichen Kreisen könnten wir Dinge hinzufügen wie: Hilf anderen! und Verleugne dich selbst! Sei demütig! 

Während diese Aufforderungen zunächst ermutigend sind, bringen sie uns schnell an den Rand der Erschöpfung. Kein Zufall also, dass immer mehr Menschen an Burnout-Symptomen leiden und / oder mit Depressionen / Erschöpfung diagnostiziert werden. Ich kann es verstehen. 

Was ich vor ein paar Wochen jedoch realisiert habe, war, dass ich nicht nur versucht habe, mich an diese Standards der Gesellschaft zu halten und unterbewusst zu versuchen, mitzuhalten, sondern sie auch auf meine Beziehung zu Gott übertragen habe.

Ich habe ständig versucht, mich Gott zu beweisen. Ich wollte, dass er weiß, dass ich hart daran arbeitete, mehr Wissen und Weisheit zu erlangen, indem ich sein Wort studiere. Ich habe viel Zeit investiert, um in der Kirche zu dienen, und versucht, anderen weiterzugeben, was ich über Ihn und Sein Wort gelernt habe, damit sie auch wachsen können. Ich dachte, wenn ich Ihm nur beweisen könnte, dass ich meine Lektionen gelernt habe und bereit war, könnte Er schließlich Sein Versprechen erfüllen und mich als würdig bezeichnen, Mutter zu werden. Oder endlich eine Festanstellung zu bekommen. Oder vielleicht sogar ein Haus. Ich habe täglich stundenlang in der Bibel gelesen, den ganzen Tag lang Anbetungsmusik gehört usw. 

Und es war eine Weile großartig, aber dann war ich erschöpft. 

Warum? Weil ich vergessen hatte, was Gott mir vor fast einem Jahr gesagt hatte.

@ Sisi.roose hat das heute in einer Story perfekt formuliert. Die deutsche Übersetzung gibt das nicht annähernd wieder, deshalb setze ich das englische Original noch in Klammern dahinter. "Wir werden nicht menschliche Taten, sondern menschliche Wesen genannt." (We are not called human DOings, but human BEings.) Hm, da hat sich wohl irgendwie der Fokus verschoben. 

Die Gesellschaft sagt uns, dass es nicht reicht, einfach nur zu SEIN. Wir werden darüber definiert, was wir tun und wie erfolgreich wir sind. Unser Wert ist durch unsere Leistung definiert. 

Bei Gott ist es anders. In Seinem Wort sagt Er uns, dass wir still sein sollen und lassen IHN die Arbeit machen. Wieder und wieder. (Psalm 46:10; 1. Petrus 3: 4 usw.) Eigentlich wissen wird das ja. 

Heutzutage machen die Leute immer wieder Witze darüber, wie faul sie sind und wie sie sich gerne entspannen. Aber tun wir das wirklich?

Ich kann immer noch nicht glauben, wie schwer es ist, einfach zu SEIN. Und dennoch möchte Gott, dass wir genau das "tun" - sein. Weil Er uns am stillen Ort findet. Nicht im Streben, ständig vorwärts rennend. 

Als Gott am Anfang dieses Jahres "Wiederherstellung" sagte, sagte Er mir, dass ER derjenige sein würde, der wiederherstellen würde. Nicht ich. 

Weißt du, Er liebt die stille Zeit mit Dir. Weil Er Dich segnen will. Und Er möchte Dir sagen, wie kostbar du Ihm bist, während du einfach BIST. Er nennt dich würdig. Du musst Ihm nichts beweisen. Du musst nicht liefern, mithalten, Dich ständig verbessern, hart arbeiten und die ganze Zeit erfolgreich sein. Weil Jesus bereits ein für alle Mal am Kreuz abgeliefert hat. 

Du bist geliebt von Gott, deinem liebenden Vater. Seine Arme sind heute weit geöffnet  mit dem Angebot für Dich, einfach Zeit mit Ihm zu verbringen. 

Du musst nicht lesen. Keine Predigt hören. Du musst nicht singen oder schreiben oder zeichnen. Sei einfach. Und Er wird Dir genau dort begegnen.   

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

Purpose

Wow. These last few days have been such a rollercoaster, but in a good way.

I’d like to share my thoughts with you on what happened and what God has been teaching me through it.

I am a devoted person. When I set my mind on something or when I  promise something, I really mean it. Sometime laziness gets in the way, but especially when I commit to a person, I commit with everything I am.

When God saved my life last year, my first reaction was to surrender fully and make a promise, that from that day on, my life would be fully His. I would stop letting things or people get in the way of what He wants for me and my life.

Redefinition

I know now, that I had a false definition of surrender in my mind. Based on a few examples in the New Testament, I thought that surrendering my life to God always meant literally leaving everything behind (my job, my family, …) behind and follow just Him. Maybe you know what I’m getting at. This is exactly what Jesus called the disciples to do. And I know that He meant this literally, based on the fact that He knew that His time on earth was limited and there was no time to wait. And don’t get me wrong. When Jesus calls us to follow Him today, He also doesn’t want us to let anything keep us from doing it.

What I misunderstood was, that following or stepping into your purpose, also meant leaving everything you know behind. And for some people it might. But if we look into the Old Testament, we see both. Abraham, for example, had to leave the land of His forefathers to step into His destiny. But most of the time, God used people right where they were at or they had no part in how they got to the place He needed them to be at to fulfill their destiny (think about Joseph, Daniel e.g.). And that is exactly the point.

Since I commited my ways to the Lord again, there have been lots of times when I felt Him speak directly to me, revealing things He was going to do in my life and slowly but surely leading me into my destiny.

I want to highlight two parts I just wrote in the last sentence:

a)    (…) revealing things HE was going to do in my life

and

b)    LEADING ME into destiny.

My initial reaction to these revelations was always to RUN. No, not to run in the other direction like Jona did, but to leave everything behind and run for what God had told me about right away.

See the mistake?

I thought that the only way for me to step into the things God had told me about was ME doing something so I could achieve and bring His words to life.

Wrong. The word of God itself holds the power to fulfill itself when it is spoken.

What?

Look at creation: God SPOKE a word and it WAS.

 When God speaks PURPOSE into our lives, it is always a PROMISE.

And I can’t fulfill GOD’s promises. But He can.

Society always tells us that in order to achieve something, we have to DO.

Psalms 46:10 (NLT) says „BE STILL and know that I am God!“

Don’t get me wrong. Only a driving car can be steered. But God doesn’t want us to fight our way to purpose. He wants to lead us there, step by step.

I think there are a lot of reasons for this. When God reveals purpose for our lives, He doesn’t ask us to live the full potential of it right away.

Why not?

1)    You don’t see the whole picture.

From time to time God created really special moments in which I knew it was HIM speaking directly to me. Oftentimes when God clearly spoke to me, I thought I knew exactly what He was saying and thus was convinced I knew what the next steps were. Ha.

The exciting part about God speaking is, that it is in His nature to reveal certain things to us, but He never gives us the full picture. It’s all over the bible. Why?

In John 16:12 (NLT) Jesus says to His disciples: “There is so much more I want to tell you, but you can’t bear it now.“

When God speaks, He reveals only as much as we can take at the moment. While this is amazing, it always leaves room for interpretation and that’s the tricky part.

Ever heard of the verse: “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.“ (Proverbs 16:9, NLT) ?

Somebody recently told me about the quote “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans.“

While this is funny, it doesn’t mean that God is laughing about our visions and dreams. He LOVES them, but He also has the perfect timing for their fulfilment.

So what is happening in the meantime?

 2)    God uses periods of „waiting“ to teach you about your true identity.

Since I surrendered my life to God again, He himself and a ton of people - most of them I didn’t even know, ha - have spoken purpose into my life. That is so exciting!

But oftentimes I found myself listening to them, thinking: “Wow, this person they are talking about is great! I’d love to be her!“

Ever had that thought before?

It took years – up until yesterday, actually – to understand that I already AM the person they are talking about. God had formed all this in me during the last few years, without me even noticing. When He made me aware of it, I consciously stepped into this identity and it felt SO GOOD.

But in order to really understand what my identity is, God had to strip away layers and layers of lies and dust and exchange them with what HE says about me. That was a long process I am so thankful for now, even though it was really hard at times, believe me.

Still, knowing who YOU are in CHRIST, is essential to be able to walk in your purpose with strength and power.

And this leads me to my third point:

 3)    You can’t do it in our own strength.

If we would always start running right away, we would burn out quickly, because living in purpose is not always easy. The Apostle Paul for example had to endure a lot of hard times, even though He was living in His purpose/calling.

But in Philippians 4:13 (NLT) he says: “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.“

I know this is a well-known verse but read it again. (I strongly advise to also read ist context if you have time during the next few days, because it is often taken out of context.)

Paul had learned that He was only able to live the full potential of His calling no matter the cost, because His strength came from the One above. I feel like this is a lesson we have to learn over and over again.

Exodus 14:14 (NLT) supports this: “The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.“

The funny thing is that every time God reminded me of my purpose, I always thought He was blaming me for the fact that I had not yet stepped into my purpose. I was so wrong. It was God’s way of reminding me of His PROMISE to get me there. Without me having to produce it in my own strength or having to give up everything else He has blessed me with.

Encouragement

As always, the enemy fights hard to discourage us when it comes to purpose, so I’d like to ENcourage you not to believe His lies, but hold on to the following Truths instead:

Time is like chewing gum for God. He won’t be too late.

Once He really says „Go!“ you will know. Don’t rush, walk slowly and He’ll open doors easily to assure you that He’s already prepared eveything.

God is ALWAYS on the move.  

YOU (!!!!!) HAVE A PURPOSE.

 God bless you!

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

READ YOUR BIBLE.

I don’t know about you, but growing up, reading the bible was always hard for me. I knew that people said it was essential  as a Christian, but every time I tried reading, I got tired and felt like it was just black letters on a page telling me stories about long gone people.  I knew that these stories were supposed to be linked to my personal up-to-date life, but I just couldn’t find the connection.

When God gave me a second chance in life last year (I wrote about that in my first blog entry), I knew things had to change. I had such a strong desire to get closer to God and to surrender my life fully this time. My first steps were listening to more Worship music (Worship music is one of my favorite ways to encounter God) and bought some books which sounded motivating. And they were. I learned a lot about the power of testimonies of God’s faithfulness in other people’s lives and I developed a desperate hunger for more of God.

Shortly before my surgery I had bought a Journalingbible and I started to read and being creative in the word and somehow the words on the pages started to make sense. The Holy Spirit made them come alive. After months of mainly focusing on what other’s said about how  God is and how he changed their lives, God kept saying to me “I love that you’re hungry and all these books are great, but I want you to get back into my word. Just read my word.“ And so I did and it has become such a treasure for me since then.

So today I want to encourage you to get into the word more. I feel like this is something God is laying on the hearts of people all around the planet, because we as Christians are spending way too little time in the WORD and way too much time in the WORLD.

In the following I want to share some Tips on HOW to get into the word more and give you some of the reasons WHY it is so important, to read the Bible. Some of the points I’m making may seem obvious to you, but bare with me, God may reveal something new to you.

8 Tips for reading the Holy Bible:

1)      Get the ‘right‘ translation

I have talked to so many people who told me that they’re having a hard time reading the bible because the language is so hard to understand. I realized that that was also one of the main barriers that kept me from reading too, because I felt like I had to read everything twice to fully understand a sentence. You can easily browse the web for different translations and find out which one speaks to you the most. I always love reading verses or chapters in different translations in parallel, comparing the words that were chosen. I feel like it helps get greater insight into their true meaning.

2)      Find  your „quiet place“

I know this may sound trivial, but we often underestimate the impact our surroundings have on reading the word. I used to read my bible in my bedroom and almost always fell asleep after the first ten sentences. There are also a lot of places that hold too many distractions (you know what these are for you). Find a place where you can really be still and concentrate on the word.

3)      Make reading the word a “ritual“

Rituals help us keep our priorities straight. If something becomes a ritual, it is more difficult for the enemy to keep you from doing it or distract you. And he’s going to try, believe me! So try to find a certain time of day that seems to fit for you and reserve that time for God and God only, even if it’s just ten minutes a day. It’ll have a great impact, believe me!

4)      Start with a book/passage, you’ve always wanted to read.

The bible can, but doesn’t necessarily have to be, a book that has to be read from cover to cover chronologically. In the beginning it was pretty hard for me to read the Old Testament. But once I had read most of the New Testament, reading the Old one actually became fun. As Christians we read the Old Testament from the perspective of the New one anyways and suddenly it makes so much more sense. It also helped me realize that, contrary to what some people are saying, God really has been the same all along. Starting with a book that is of great interest for you will help you get started while staying motivated.

5)      It’s not about quantity, but quality.

Reading the bible is not about finishing a certain book in a certain amount of time. The bible is not just a book, when you truly get into it, it becomes alive. So there might be days you read a few chapters or even one book at a time, because you get really excited, and then there will be times when you will just read one verse and it’ll stay with you for the whole day, or even a week or a month and God will open up its true meaning to you.

6)      Find your own way to connect with the word.

Maybe you are like me. Maybe you’ve never understood why people love reading and it’s just hard for you to concentrate while reading. (If so, I’m sorry this blog post is so long ;-)) Don’t worry. You have SO MANY options to get into the Word. Thanks to the Internet and Smart Phones a lot of media is available to us these days. (I know there’s also dangers involved here.) If you don’t like to read, listen to the bible as audios. There are some great apps available that offer services like this. There are also a lot of amazing videos on YouTube which summarize individual books of the bible and their main points. Or you can start lettering single verses you come across in church or even start biblejournaling. Meditating on a passage of scripture while being creative has become such a blessing to me. Just find your own way. What’s  great for others, doesn’t have to be the right fit for you.

7)      Pray for revelation

As I have mentioned earlier, it was hard for me to connect with the Bible at an earlier stage of my life and sometimes it even is today. So I have started to pray before reading the bible and consciously invited the Holy Spirit to help me understand what I’m reading. I have prayed for God to open my heart, my eyes and my ears to the true meaning of His word and it has changed my perspective on scripture in so many amazing ways. Sometimes I read a verse or a passage and don‘t know how to apply it to my life, so I pray for God to let me experience something so I can understand it better. To give you one example: While reading the bible, I realized that I had big issues really understanding God’s love, so I asked him to show it to me in new ways and His answer was overwhelmingly beautiful.

8)      Don’t give up

One last thing. One of the enemy‘s biggest fears is that we get to know the Truth about who God is and who we are. He knows that there is a lot of power in the Word of God and that there is NO WAY he can keep us in bondage if we get closer and closer to God. Even as I’m writing this right now, I can feel him wanting to stop me. So he is going to try to distract you from reading the word. He may use things like social media, TV, events or even friends to distract you or he might tell you lies like the one that the bible is not as important or that you will never understand what it says anyways or whatever he can think of. No.

As I know that the enemy has a lot of strategies to keep us from reading the bible – here are 

7 reasons why you HAVE TO read God’s word

1)      It’s the TRUTH

During the last years I have found that a lot of Christians say things they believe to be true, because they have heard them ‘somewhere‘ and sometimes they are simply wrong and/or unbiblical. Somewhere along the way people have altered biblical truths to fit their own understanding of life or in order to excuse their lifestyle. Or they have taken verses out of context and thus interpreted them incorrectly. While this seems to be trivial, it is not. Twisting the truth is fatal. The bible tells us that there will be a lot of false teachers in the last days. But how can we be able to identify them? We have to know what God’s word truly says.

2)      It’s a TESTIMONY of what GOD IS really LIKE

All the stories of people in the bible are not simply to inform us about historical events, but to reveal God’s character to us. He is so much more than we have experienced in our own lives. To know who God is and HOW He is, is crucial in order to understand the way He is working in our lives. Also, people will tell you a lot about what God is like, but even if they’re right, they never have the full perspective. The bible offers so much more.

3)      It holds the ANSWERS to a lot of life‘s questions

Maybe you have found yourself thinking that the stories of the bible were nice to listen to as a kid, but you can’t seem to find any connections to your grown-up life. Let me tell you, all the questions you have and the struggles you are facing – there is an answer or a solution. God is your creator. He knew the questions you’d have and the struggles you’d have to face. One example is the fact that there are so so many passages about fear and worry in scripture – God knew we’d have to deal with it a lot.

Sometimes we pray for God to answer questions we  have or tell us which step to take next and feel like he’s not answering. I recently read an amazing quote concerning this: “Don’t say that God is silent when your bible is closed.“

4)      It strengthens your FAITH

Reading the bible strenghtens your faith. Because once you read it in greater depth, things start to make sense. You start seeing connections you didn’t know about before and you realize that, contrary to what you may have heard, there are no contradictions in it. God doesn’t contradict himself. He can’t. He himself is truth.

I have seen a lot of people being drastically shaken in their beliefs, because their faith didn’t have a solid foundation. The Bible is THE foundation to build your faith on.

5)      It strengthens your RELATIONSHIP with God

John 15:1-11.

6)      It is part of the ARMOR OF GOD

Ephesians 6:10-18 tells us about the Armor of God. The Word is the sword, which is essential to defend ourselves from the attacks of the enemy. I learned this the hard way. It would be too much to tell you all about it now, but I will definitely make a post on this soon.

7)      OTHERS depend on it

1 Peter 3:15 says that we should always be ready to explain if someone asks about the hope we have as a believer. If you live a life that represents God’s kingdom in this world, people will come and ask you about Him. What will you answer? … See what I’m getting at?

 I know this is a lot to process, but I really feel like the Lord wanted me to write it all down. I pray that He encourages you through it and blesses you abundantly while you start reading HIS WORD.

 Are there any tips you have for reading the bible? I’d love to hear them in the comments!

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

Identity - Part II

There  is no way of living in this world without forming some kind of identity.

Identity is spoken into our lives from day one. And it is mostly made up by what others say about me. Or, if you’re very self-confident you only rely on your self-image – but even that is influenced by what others or society tells you about yourself. Pretty confusing.

I don’t know about you, but the older I got, the more I realized that society dictates what our identity should be build on - if we don’t have any other foundation.

I have found that most people’s identity is founded on five pillars:

1)      job

2)      financial security

3)      body image

4)      social environment

5)      norms and values

For quite some time, my identity was defined by my job. I was a teacher. I felt like I had been born to be one and I loved it. At the same time, I hated it when people judged my actions and behaviour in my everyday life based on my job. Because unlike every other job, every person in the Western world has preassumptions about teachers, because we’ve all experienced them. Teachers are know-it-alls, they are narrow-minded and all they want to do is educate others, even if they are their friends. Ever heard these words before or said them yourself? ;-)

When I finished the practical part of my studies and my grade „confirmed“ my suitability for the job, I thought I had finally arrived. I thought I was living in my purpose and from now on everything would be great. Boy, was I wrong. I didn’t get a permanent job right away and was completely confused. Plus, the school I worked at was in a pretty rough neighborhood and the atmosphere between the teachers was everything but welcoming. I felt so out of place. I started doubting if I had made the right choice. This wasn’t what I had planned and studied seven years for. Plus, my husband and I had hoped for financial security through a steady second income. I had worked so hard. Nope. So slowly but surely, this pillar came crashing down.

I realize that the “job part“ of identity might be way bigger for other people as most of us spend a majority of their day, week -  life at work. And don’t get me wrong, I still idenitify myself with being a teacher, but it’s certainly not the biggest part of who I am.

For a lot of years, my identity was also defined by my body. I never thought I’d say anything like that someday, because I always thought that only people who are constantly dieting or doing sports (or the exact opposite) were putting too much emphasis on their body-image.  I thought I was completely immune against the standards society has when it comes to the female body image. I guess no woman really is.

I remember having a difficult relationship to my body from an early age on. I was raised with three sisters and let’s just say – they could all be supermodels. They were skinny and I … wasn’t. I loved to eat and I wasn’t overweight nor really chubby, but compared with my sisters I looked different. I will probably never forget my cousin’s words when we were teenagers: „So I don’t get it – your sisters are all skinny, why aren’t you?“ Words can bring life or death, guys. They are so so powerful. (I talked about life lies in my last post…) I also remember sitting in the kitchen, hearing my mom say „Are you really gonna eat that?“

I also hit puberty at a pretty early age and I hated the fact that I was the only one with „big boobs“ in my peer group/closer family. I remember a boy asking me if I had had a boob job when I was eleven years old. I know, it seems like nothing now. But I was so ashamed. I remember crying when my sisters got me my first bra for my 12th or 13th birthday.

Another thing that made it really hard for me to love my body was the fact that I seemed to be sick all the time. And I always felt sick. My mom used to say to me „You don’t feel bad, you are bad.“ It was meant to be a joke, of course, but you know… As I already explained in one of my former posts, I had a pretty rough phase in my early twenties… and looking back now, this is when it all started. I couldn’t eat without feeling sick, I constantly had a bloated stomach and no doctor could tell me what was wrong. After a series of examinations and diets, I was diagnosed with more than 80 food allergies. I was in shock. The doctor told me that I had to drastically change my diet and first and foremost, I was supposed to avoid any form of wheat. If you’ve never had to pay attention to the ingredients of food, you might probably not be aware of how many of today’s foods contain wheat… This caused me to hate my body even more, up to the point of my surgery last year, when the problems with my body had reached their peak.

So why would I say that this had something to do with my identity? Because it was all that was ever talked about when I met new people. Sooner or later we would eat together and I always had to tell them that I had to be careful with what I ate etc. So when it came to me, a lot of people remembered me as The girl with the food allergies. And I accepted that identity. Apart from the fact that my body was oviously suffering, I felt socially isolated and my quality of life overall was extremely limited, as me and my husband always had to think twice about eating out or visiting friends.

After I encountered Christ, things slowly started to change, up until the point where I realized that the first thing I wanted to talk about with people were not food allergies, but Jesus. Plus, reading the bible thouroughly, I realized that Jesus did not only die on the cross for my sins, but also for my sickness. And I started proclaiming and believing that. At the end of last year, the doctors did some tests and confirmed my beliefs that God had completely healed me from allergies. I don’t know what it was that ultimately caused the healing, but one day I just knew in my heart that everything was fine. And it was. And the best thing about it is that these days I get to share my testimony with people instead of talking about food allergies. God is so good!

I have already talked about the fourth pillar in my last post. Of course, a huge part of our identity is shaped by the people we surround ourselves with. I guess this can’t be overemphasized. We automatically get influenced by the people we spend most time with, even if it’s (only) online. I could write books about this. It’s also mostly through these people, and of course our upbringing and experiences, that our norms and values are shaped. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. But it can be and things we adopt from our social environment are certainly not all beneficial.

 So you might agree with me on these five pillars, but you might also be wondering why it would be a bad thing that our identity is built upon them? Good point. I guess you can’t say that per se. But let me challenge you.

Let’s say your identity is built on your job – what if you get fired or you cannot continue working in your dream job due to unforeseen circumstances?

And financial security? What if you loose all your money?

Let’s say your identity is based on your body (image) – what if you get seriously sick or your body changes drastically due to other circumstances?

And if your identity lies in your social environment – what if people disappoint you or turn away from you? What if they constantly change their opinions about you or what is wrong or right / cool or uncool etc.?

And finally… norms and values. But what if you find you’ve been completely wrong about certain issues or what if people around you challenge your values constantly?

Maybe these are not the best examples, but I guess you get the point. One by one, these pilars can come crashing down. And what is left of your identity then?

 To be continued…

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

My identity in Christ – Part one

“It’s alright… he/she/they are more important. I’ll be fine.“

“It’s better not to talk about it… noone will take you seriously anyways.“

“Who am I to say this? I’m just a young girl.“

“Aaaand you failed again. After this, noone’s gonna be able to love you.“

“You’re too emotional.“

“You’re just not good enough.“

“Yup, everybody knew that this would happen. Stupid you.“

“I’ll never make it.“

 Do any of these sentences sound familiar to you? I bet you, you have at least heard one or two of them, whether somebody said them to you or you’ve told them to yourself.

I call sentences like these „life-lies“ (It sounds nicer in German, but I couldn’t find a better translation). The main problem with these lies is that we start believing them and maybe you’ve heard about this principle before – you become what you think. This also applies to what you believe about yourself. And slowly but surely they become your identity.

When I was younger, people used to call me “Ms. Clumsy“. I always thought that it was cute, because I liked the sound of it and I knew that it wasn’t coming out of nowhere. I was the girl who used to forget things, break other things and walk into a door all the time. And the more I accepted this nickname, the clumsier I became. My husband – and other people in my life - used to be so annyoed that He told me I couldn’t be trusted with taking care of myself. And I can’t blame them but in consequence another „life-lie“ was born. And if I was too stupid to be entrusted with small things, how would I be able to deal with really important matters? And if people couldn’t trust me with responsibilities, why would God? Plus, if noone thought I was capable of coping with life, what was I worth anyways… do you see what I’m getting at?

Lie. After lie. After lie. And suddenly, a whole identity changes.

I went from being a very self-confident child to becoming a quite self-conscious teenager and an even more insecure young adult. While I was concentrated on being a „worthless somebody nobody needs anyways“, I completely ignored the fact, that I never even failed a single test at uni – even though I was working up to twenty hours a week as a waitress in order to provide for myself – and graduated my practical part as one of the best students. And these are just two of many examples.

But I was concentrated on being a complete loser and thus always wondering how and when I had met such a gorgeous, funny, intelligent man who was indeed faithful and only had eyes for me - which was why he proposed to me after only ten months of dating? What if he woke up one day and realized that he had made the biggest mistake of his life by marrying a screw-up like me?

I realized that my self-image was quite messed up when I started talking to a woman at church who God sent to accompany me on the journey of finding the „me“ I had lost on the way. Looking back, God really spoke to me through her, because she saw the woman in me that I thought didn’t exist. One of the things she told me was to stop saying I’m clumsy. And so I did. And slowly but surely I started remembering important things, I stopped breaking other things and didn’t run into doors anymore. Still, I didn’t get the whole picture.

It wasn’t until last year that God made me aware of another lie I had always believed about myself: I am not creative.

I used to really believe that. I thought as my older sisters were so talented in drawing and decorating, the seats were already taken and I had to be good at something else. But no, I wasn’t creative. And so I ignored the fact that I had already written several teenage books by the age of 15, written own songs and always got compliments on my singing. I mean, after all I wasn’t creative, you know. Because I couldn’t draw. When I saw my sister starting biblejournaling I LOVED it. I thought that it was such an amazing way to spend time with God. But my next thought ruined everything: Well, you don’t think you can do this, do you?

I don’t even remember what exactly triggered the change of mind but I remember thinking one day: Well, screw it. I’m just gonna try.

And with time, more and more people started telling me how they loved what I was doing and how creative I was and how they were motivated by what I was creating. I still find myself struggling with compliments in this area of my life, but one day I just accepted that I am creatively gifted and that’s when it all went uphill. God is good.

I don’t know which „life-lies“ you have believed about yourself. I don’t know which parts of your „identity“ are not who you really are, but I want to encourage you to question some assumptions you have about yourself, primarily the limits you seem to have. What if there was a day a few years or even decades ago when something was part of who you are but you just – consciously or unconsciously – lost that part of yourself, because you believed a lie?

I can tell you, God wants to bring these lies to the light if you let him and He wants to exchange them with what HE says about who you are. But before He can fill you with truth, the things that are falsely filling out that space have to go.

Take courage, it’s worth it!

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

Have you ever gone through a season of waiting?

I’m not talking about hours, days, weeks, months or even a year – which can already be tough, don’t get me wrong – but a whole season, meaning several years or for some of you even decades?

Have you ever wished for something so deeply it breaks your heart to even think about it?

Have you ever worked so hard for something and were absolutely sure you deserve the best possible outcome?

Have you ever prayed for something with your whole heart and still didn’t receive it?

During this time / these times have you seen people over and over again getting exactly what you have been asking for?

And have you ever doubted God’s goodness or the fact that He really has a (perfect) plan for your life in the process? Have you ever struggled with being thankful for what you have instead of focusing on what seems to be missing?

A never-ending story?

I have been going through several seasons of waiting during the last two years, especially in two major areas of my life. And I can tell you, it’s been a rollercoaster.

wishing – praying – hoping – trusting – struggling – believing – breaking down – getting back up – wishing…

An endless circle of what seems to be a never-ending story.

Today I just want to concentrate on the waiting part I’ve struggled with the most.

When me and my husband got married four years ago, the thought of having children seemed far far away. I still wasn’t fully finished with my studies and we had only been a couple for two years, so we couldn’t wait to spend time with each other – just the two of us.

One and a half years later, things were very different. We had met a lot of amazing new people at church, most of them our age or just a little older. Almost all of them had three, some two children, few had one. Not even a handful of people our age didn’t have any children. So the desire to start our own family grew slowly in me. In the summer of 2016 we decided to “just start going for it“ (sorry for putting it that way, I can’t think of another wording right now).

I don’t know about you, but somehow I had this picture perfect in my mind and thought it was going to be „easy“. Half a year later I already started to become nervous. The desire of having a child had become really strong and it was all I had on my mind. I was unhappy at work, because I knew that I didn’t want to be there, but was meant to be home raising my child instead. However, nothing was happening. Then I collapsed at work and had my emergency surgery (see last post) and it was like God gave me a reason for why he had kept us waiting. I was so grateful that He had prevented a pregnancy because an infection and surgery like this would have been life-threatening for a child.

Healing

God was so good to me. I spent hours and hours in His word, He spoke to me through dreams, the Bible, books, sermons, worship songs and other people like He never had before. It finally felt like we were having the relationship I had always dreamed of. In reading His word I discovered my true worth and unveiled a lot of lies I had believed about myself for so many years. I finally felt like I could see the person He had made me to be.

Shortly after my surgery, a friend told me that she felt like God wanted me to know that when He heals, there will be no scars left. I was so thankful for this promise and happily accepted.

Still, I kept having pain in my stomach and sides. When I went to the doctors one day, they discovered that something was wrong with my kidneys and I was sent to a specialist who again sent me to two more doctors. She was very concerned and told me to be very cautious and by no means get pregnant. I remember sitting in my car just asking why. I just wanted to finally be healthy and ready to welcome the child I had been hoping for. I talked to my mum on the phone and made appointments to see the specialists.

Shortly before my first appointment I suddenly felt really calm. I prayed and felt like the Lord assured me that everything was going to be fine. They made a very thourough screen of my kidneys and I was called into the doctor’s office. He looked at me and asked if I could explain to him why I had come. I explained the diagnosis I had been given and quickly realized that he had no idea what I was talking about. He said that he couldn’t see anything suspicious and everything was completely normal. I went home, startled, and called my mum. She listened and held her breath for a moment. „Wow“, she said, „that’s strange. You know I don’t normally do these things, but yesterday I couldn’t get rid of the thought ‚Why don’t you just pray for God to take it away?‘ and I did.“ After that day, two more doctors confirmed that everything was absolutely normal.  I went back to the first specialist and she was completely speechless. I told her that God had answered a prayer and she could do nothing but confirm. God had done another miracle on my body.

A few months later he healed me from all the food allergies I had. Nevertheless, I had a feeling I should go to the doctors for a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. So I went. My husband took a day off so he could accompany me. After the examination we went into the doctors office again. The doctor was a younger woman. She looked at me „I’m sorry, but can you show me the scars from your surgery?“ I was confused, because I knew that the outward scars had nothing to do with this examination. She paused. „I have to admit that I’m pretty confused. After the examination I read your surgery report three times. Then I called the hospital to make sure that there had not been a mix up of patients. I couldn’t believe it was you who had had this kind of surgery. There is absolutely no sign in your gastrointestinal tract that any kind of surgery has ever been performed there. I have never seen anything like this. There are no scars.“ At that moment I just pointed towards heaven. God is still a God of miracles, guys. He healed me. Not just parts of me. Not just my body, but my soul and my heart, too. He is such an amazing father!

Patience and comfort

It has been seven months since then. And I am still not pregnant. And there are so many days I’m hurting. It breaks my heart to think about the fact that 15 women in my closer circle of friends and acquaintances have become pregnant or had their babies since I started praying for one.

Maybe there is something you have been praying for and you can’t seem to figure out why God is saying no at the moment, or maybe He is saying „not yet“. And I know that there isn’t always an answer. Trust me, I know that it was absolutely critical for my body to be completely healthy before I have a child, but it’s still hard to wait two years. Maybe even longer.

I have cried, I have called upon the Lord and every time He comforted me.

I still don’t have what I’ve been asking for. But I‘ve gained so much more. I am not the person I was two years ago. My marriage is not the same. My relationship with God has changed tremendously. And I have been blessed beyond reason in so many areas of my life.

Maybe I will never fully understand the waiting season – I still don’t know how much longer it’ll last – but I have learned one thing and it is the most precious one of all. God is good. Always. And he is in the waiting. And there is peace in His arms and comfort and strength.

No matter what you are going through right now, I pray that you have the courage to lean fully into Him, even or especially in times you don’t understand what He’s doing. Because He is there. He knows. He sees every tear and sometimes He even cries with you. I pray that you can embrace the journey and learn to live in the here and now and learn that He is good. Even if He doesn’t answer our prayers the way we hoped He would.

[hecallsmeworthy-blog]

My journey with Jesus in a nutshell 

Thinking about my story with Jesus always brings tears to my eyes. Tears of thankfulness and appreciation of what he has done for me.

Looking back now I am still amazed of how He made everything new, but let me start at the beginning.

I was born and raised as the third daughter out of four by a wonderful woman married to a loving pastor. Growing up, faith was always around. Until twenty years ago we used to even live in church, it was just ever present.

The prodigal daughter

Up until my 20th birthday I lived at home and going to church and saying I’m a Christian just came naturally to me. When I left home to live in another city for my studies, everything started changing. It was such a slow process though that I didn’t really realize what was happening until I realized that the life I lived and what I had learned during my childhood years didn’t match at all.

When I moved I looked for a new church pretty soon and I found one where I loved the sermons, but felt like the people sitting there listening weren’t living what was said. I went there alone several times over the years and not once did anybody come and talk to me or ask who I was. So, as young and clueless as I was, I just stayed away. There was a youth group at uni, but I always felt like the people who went there were so far away and were judging the way I lived and the people I spent time with, so after a while, I stopped going there too.

I was in a really unhealthy relationship at that time with a young man who was a Christian but hadn’t really figured out who he was yet. He felt rejected by the world and misunderstood by many, so he started drinking too much alcohol and smoking drugs. I felt so sorry for him and wanted to help, but just got sucked deeper into his mess over time. My family realized pretty quickly that the relationship wasn’t good for me – I lost an unhealthy amount of weight and my happiness during that time – but I didn’t want to hear what they said and so I distanced myself from them instead of him. I often felt lonely and misunderstood.

In an effort to make everything easier and save my relationship with him, I gave in and we started sleeping with each other, even though it was against everything I had ever wanted. From that point on things only got worse. I still don’t know how – it was probably God speaking to me - but one day I just knew that things couldn’t go on as they were. So we broke up. The breakup was followed by months of him calling me 50 times a day and standing in front of my door out of the blue or following me when I was meeting friends. I was horrified.

During that time I was working as a waitress and he showed up there and ordered shots at 10 am in the morning just to let me know how miserable he was. At work I met a young Brazilian. He was smart, funny and handsome. And it didn’t take long until I was sleeping with him. I knew that it was wrong but silenced the voices in my head.

Five months later I left home to study at a college abroad. The following four months could probably be compared to what the prodigal son experienced after he left his father’s house. To keep it short, a lot of alcohol and a lot of sinful behaviour were involved.

When I got back home, I felt so empty. I felt like I had lost myself. Left parts of myself in other parts of the world. I felt a void that apparently noone or nothing could ever fill and I had such a desire to be close to God again, but it felt like he was a thousand miles away. And there were these voices telling me that I wasn’t worthy of being his daughter anymore. That it was too late to turn back to him. That he had had enough and that after everything I had done noone would ever love me. I went to a doctor who prescribed medicine to help me sleep and told me to start going to therapy. Life just didn’t make sense anymore.

Transition!?

I kept partying to fill the void and somehow have a sense of belonging. Six months later me and two friends went to my parent’s house to spend a weekend there as they were out of town. Of course, we went partying in the evening. I could write books about this evening, but to keep it short: amazingly enough I met my future husband that night. This is when everything started going into the right direction again.

We got engaged after ten months and got married one and a half years later. When my husband asked my dad if he could marry me, his answer was: Yes, but there is no Lea without Jesus.

This sentence was so significant to me because I felt so far away from Jesus at the time. Even though my husband was quite open and curious about God, he wasn’t a Christian at the time either.

When we got married we started looking for a church right away. We found one but didn’t really feel at home because there were no people our age around.

And then one day the letter arrived, stating that we would have to move because of my workplace. We looked at the city on a map and had no idea what to do.

Struggles

Two months after moving we found a new church. After four weeks my husband said that he wanted to buy himself a new bible and we just knew that we belonged there. We got to know some amazing people and our – now – spiritual parents as well. Things started to change slowly.

Still I was under such a heavy pressure at work that I started having panic attacks. I constantly felt anxious, I couldn’t sleep properly and I remember sitting in the bathroom every other day trying not to throw up because of all the pressure I was feeling. I felt worthless, stupid and incapable of doing life. I told my husband that it didn’t matter if I was still there or just jumped off the balcony.

Another year later, I was already used to having a bloated stomach, looking like I was five months pregnant even though I wasn’t and just feeling sick all the time. But it kept getting worse. I had a high fever, couldn’t even walk and I knew deep in my heart that if God wouldn’t help me, I was going to die. A friend brought me to the doctor’s, but without even taking a closer look, she sent me home saying I was just suffering from a gastrointestinal virus. I went home crying because I knew that wasn’t it. When I went to the hospital with almost the same symptoms a month later, the doctors couldn’t find anything. So I went home and went down on my knees, begging the Lord to save me. That’s when he made a promise to give me a long life through the amazing words of Psalm 91.

A second chance

I promised myself that I would go to the doctors again the following Monday if I didn’t feel any better. On Monday I collapsed at work. I was taken to the hospital and told again, that my blood levels were absolutely normal and the ultrasound didn’t show any abnormalities either. Still, they wanted me to stay.

As I was lying in the hospital bed I prayed again for the Lord to give the doctors wisdom so they would know what to do. That’s when God said: „There is something hidden in the darkness, but it’ll come to light. Trust me.“

Hours later the doctors decided to perform a surgery and find out if there was something wrong with my appendix, even though they expected everything to be completely normal. They forgot to give me the tranquilizers before surgery and so I was pretty nervous when they put me on the stretcher to bring me to the anesthesia room.

As the nurse was pushing the stretcher through the corridor, I saw what looked like a luminated person at the end of the hallway pointing towards the room we drove in seconds later. I heard in my heart that everything was going to be okay. Minutes later I fell asleep praying.

When I woke up hours later, I had no idea what had happened. The doctor came in and looked at me in awe. He then continued to tell me that me being alive was a miracle. My appendix had been severely inflamed and grown to a size four times bigger than normal. A part of my colon also had to be taken out because of a serious infection. Later that day a nurse told me that any minute longer could have been too late.

I cried all night because I knew that God had given me a second chance. And my life hasn’t been the same since.

To be continued…