hecate-guide-me

[hecate-guide-me]

Two weeks it's been,

And he's rebounding with the girl he boasted about having a crush on for the entirety of our relationship, and the same girl of which he flirted with and then came home and boasted about how he made her want to fuck.

God that fucking hurts. That makes me feel like absolutely nothing.

[hecate-guide-me]

I unblocked his phone number, looked at his Spotify and I'm listening to Happier by Bastille on repeat and I'm balling my eyes out. This hurts so fucking much. I don't know what to do anymore. I really fucking don't.

I just want this pain to fucking stop. Please just make it stop.

[hecate-guide-me]

A letter to the boy I loved with everything I had, and a letter to the mystery he is now.

I hold Oatmeal close every night, and I'm unsure why I picked him to be the one who stays so close to me now but he just is. Wrapped closely with doggy, blanky being the safe barrier keeping us three together, he holds many of my tears and hides my sobs from my unsuspecting family.

I am heartbroken to be away from you, because I fell in love with you, and was sure that my future was within you. I feel disjointed and alone, angry at the world and angry at you for only caring when I was leaving, or at breaking point. I'm frustrated at how things have gone, fearful that maybe they were always supposed to go this way.

But I also fear that I am in love with an image of you I've made in my head, I'm fearful that I am in love with the facade but I am unsure. I am unsure because I used to be so sure of us, of you. That we would always be the ones to make it through things. I prided myself that we communicated and worked through things, but instead we were just kids stuck in our own worlds.

I suppose that's what kids are supposed to do, but not when they hurt others. Because I am hurt. I am fiercely hurt to my core and I don't really know what to do. Part of me fears I'm falling apart at the seams, the other part of me is angry at you and ready to flourish; to make friendships and reach out. I am at an impasse, torn by a dichotomy, ruined by fear and heartbreak.

I feel like I'm just not enough, Tommy. I feel like I'm never going to be enough. I feel like I will never have a chance to even be slightly enough. Whatever you're chasing, I hope you find it. I hope you truly turn out to be the man you want to be and can be; caring, intuitive, loving, gentle. I hope you find whatever this thing is that you're sprinting after and I hope it makes you happy. I hope so dearly it makes you happy because I don't think it does but regardless, I hope you find your happiness.

I hope you be the boy I fell in love with, because you seemed so happy when you were him, when you were you.

However, to the man who is now a mystery to me, don't you fucking dare deal with your emotions by getting drunk, by getting wasted. Whoever you are now is someone I don't recognise and I hope I never recognise. Who you are now is desperate and trying to escape, and i know that is not who you are. You were kind, tentative, loving, and soft. Whoever you are now is desperate and lunging for straws to grab, and i don't recognise you at all anymore.

Stop drinking to avoid your feelings, stop being a fucking idiot because you are so much better than drinking.

I hope you know that, I truly do.

I loved you with every single inch of myself, and parts of me will always love you. Please don't spiral, don't drink, you're not that sort of person. Or at least I've seen parts of you that arent.

I wish you the best, Thomas. I loved you. Goodnight.

[hecate-guide-me]

I just feel absolutely fucking horrific and awful and I want to fucking die man. I'm just so heartbroken and it fucking hurts. I'm feeling absolutely empty.

[hecate-guide-me]

Honestly it's 3:16 am and I'm still thinking about this right I don't understand anything he does. I'm genuinely so confused because he comes across like he doesn't miss me, doesn't want anything to do with me, completely erases me from social media of his, isn't struggling at all, but then messages me saying he's worried about me.

And it fucks with my head. I'm being stuck on this one fucking action because it all doesn't add up at all.

Told him to leave me alone but deleted me off his snapchat and i don't understand it at all anymore. He acts like he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, but reaches out to me. I don't fucking get it man.

[hecate-guide-me]

I'm fucking sobbing and everything hurts so fucking much. I'm trying to act like I don't fucking care but Jesus Christ I am being ripped apart inside and god it fucking hurts

[hecate-guide-me]

I feel so empty. My ptsd is going nuts. They're just shouting and yelling upstairs like mental. I don't know what to fucking do. I can't handle this fucking hell

[hecate-guide-me]

I'm struggling. Like truly and completely struggling. I really don't know what to do. I'm feeling overwhelmed. My bed is so messy. I'm so upset.

I just want this one thing.

[hecate-guide-me]

i fell asleep soon after the last post, but I'm exhausted now. Didn't cut myself which is a great thing, and I have finally eaten some food. I found we had pickles which was great news.

I'm feeling pretty low but I'll get through, it's a mix of remembering and thinking about holly, loneliness, and isolation I think. But I'm reaching out.

I joined a server on disc, made a friend called Ryan and acquaintances with others. It's nice to know I do have a friend, albeit very far away.

I'm holding on for now, and trying desperately hard to keep holding on at least.

[hecate-guide-me]

I am struggling. I am struggling very bad. Bad bad bad bad.

Struggling lots.

Spent like an hour looking at old scars on my thighs and gOd dAmN do I want to cut myself ahahahahah fucking hell I am in a bad place right now

But I don't haaaaaaaaave anything sharp but fucking hell i just want to cut myself like fucking crazy this hasn't been a feeling of mine for a while Jesus Christ alrighty

I'm not sure what to do now. huh.

[hecate-guide-me]

Maybe today was a little hard, yeah. I've struggled a lot. Avoided town because I didn't want to run into him, because I don't know if him seeing me will hurt him more so I just didn't take the chance.

Supposed to be meeting up with keiran tomorrow so it'll be brilliant to get out the house because I've been locked up in here like a nut job just painting things. Painted a thing for holly, makes me want to cry when I see it but I'm getting through.

I left the house for a while tonight, just walked all the way to dudhope and looked at town. I started singing softly and just tried to be on my own. But it started to rain and I ended up absolutely drenched by the time I had walked home too.

I'm missing sitting at dudhope, it's good there. I'm planning to just sit and visit it more and more because I've found it to just be calming. It's nice to have a piece of this city that isn't inked by Holly, or incidents with Nova at least.

Today was hard, but tomorrow will surely be better.

[hecate-guide-me]

I opened up about Holly to someone last night, probably the first time I've told anyone about her in a long time. Especially like that.

We were on the phone for three hours, it was a nice way to spend my time. I procrastinated for most of the conversation.

But despite how lovely he was about listening to me talk about her and almost crying, he didn't make me feel like an idiot or silly, and he didn't say things that felt like he was only saying them because they sounded right. He had some actual good advice, it was nice.

However, I'm still hung up about my 18th and how she won't be there. When I was on the phone, we talked about maybe us going camping, and just having a few minutes or so to myself about Holly in memory and then continuing on.

"... would drop a rose in the water, and stand there long enough to just watch it float downstream. Nothing said or anything, just that..."

Made me feel better, to be going ahead with our plan, and bring someone with. Might not be her but I'm sure she'd beat me for not doing it anyway. She's going to love that I'm going camping anyway. I'm thankful for that, to have someone to go with for this plan, and a silent honour for her.

Might bring the whole band of losers

[hecate-guide-me]

Hey by the way, I'm not rly doing aimed posts now. I'm just journaling how I'm doing I guess.

But you can post whatever, i was just upset at the time and didn't understand. It's no big thing

[hecate-guide-me]

Feeling very sick atm, I drank 3 cups of tea today and the milk alone hasn't helped my sick feeling. Still struggling to eat, haven't actually had a meal in about three days but I'm getting around to it. I was actually hungry tonight but I got distracted by being asleep and then showering and then singing. Tomorrow is probably the day me thinks.

Me, Nathan, Morgan, and Keiran sat together for a while but it's weird hanging with them in person. Easier on a disc vc and the normal chat. Borderlands comes out in 3 days now, I'm excited as fuck.

I've had quite a few chest pains, breathing in hurts occasionally and I tried really hard to throw up because I hoped it would get rid of the sick feeling. Didn't work. I've not eaten anything to throw up 😂

I've been trying to sleep since eleven, but day light savings always messes with me so I should've seen this coming now that I think of it. I hope to sleep before six am, that'd be a nice thing to happen.

[hecate-guide-me]

though i really should sleep, i'm getting all yawny. i'm so exhausted it's unreal 😂

[hecate-guide-me]

i wish i had a board to skate on. Ive just got this yearn for it because i know it's creeping to spring and summer.

hopefully soon i'll find a job and be able to get a board

[hecate-guide-me]

Today has disappeared for me. Realised i've been not eating through emotional exhaustion. Crabby and getting that out through jokingly insulting people. Found an accurate way to describe what love should be.. sometimes i don't even know where my sentence is going till i finish it.

I'm building a good relationship with Keiran, he's much deeper of a person than just a stoner and it's nice to find someone with similar interests. My relationship with Adam too is a lot better now i've been telling him the whole truth and how much i do love him. We've resolved a lot over the past few days.

But i'm just very emotionally exhausted from the past wee while and very excited to start eating again.

Honestly today just feels like i haven't slept and it's still last night. I've not been stopping because i'm just mad hanging out with my family. It's nice, but exhausting on top of recent events. It'll be nice to calm down maybe and just keep taking my time. I hope the weather is nice tomorrow, i'm planning to go out for a while i think. Maybe if i can find headphones lmao. I really need to keep better track of them.

hoping to sleep maybe well, it would be nice.

night night