heckingsadsac

[heckingsadsac]

So I decided to try and start the recovery journey (again) about 2 weeks ago, and it’s both easier and harder then I expected. I’ve been working out for minimum 30 min a day, but most days I end up somewhere closer to 60-75 min. I wake up at 6, try and start my morning workout (or stretching on sundays, my designated rest day) by 6:10-620. Then I have my cup of coffee (with cream!😁) and write in my journal (either a motivational quote, what I’m grateful for, that kinda stuff) and I’ve been writing a to do list. I’ve been trying to make it a doable list, I’ll put little things I know I’ll do anyways, just to keep myself motivated when I can check things off. Then I’ll make breakfast around 8, usually either a piece of Ezekiel bread with a bit of avocado (that was scary at first, but then I realized it was less then 200 calories for the whole thing), a serving of oatmeal with some fruit, or a smoothing depending on my mood and how quite I have to be. Sometimes I kinda fail and miss breakfast, but I’m trying really hard to eat it. For lunch I usually have some sort of salad, and I’ve been working on including more variety in nutrients. Like I’ll put some chickpeas in it, or some guacamole, or maybe even both! Then I usually have some kind of protein snack, usually these no cow protein bars I found (they’re kinda gross but also good? Idk how I feel about them but they’re 22g of protein, vegan, and 190 calories) and start my evening workout around 5. Those are either 30 or 40 min depending on the day. Then I’ll shower and make dinner, something with a lot of protein and veggies, and some type of carb/fat. And some days I’ll even have dessert! Last night I made some “icecream” and had it with a half serving of granola, it was so good! It was frozen banana, strawberries, and cherries, blended with a tbsp of natural peanut butter (also scary) and a splash of unsweetened cashew milk (lower in calories then almond milk, who knew!?). So good! And according to my apple fitness I’m still burning more then I’m consuming. And something really strange happened the other day, for the first time EVER I weighed myself and was actually slightly disappointed that I’d lost weight?

Idk this was super long and I’m sure no one is going to read it, but I just felt like I should do an update🤷🏻‍♂️

Also I kinda have baby abs now? I mean, they’re not like super prominent but they’re there! And (tmi) my butt is looking a lot less saggy 😂 and I actually think I look better now then when I was at my lightest? I mean, it’s only a 7lb difference, but still! My love handles are smaller (I have never had the confidence to wear lower cut pants without a shirt before) baby abs are starting, I don’t have any pictures of my butt but maybe I’ll do a before and “after” (I plan to keep this up so the after will be more of just a this is now). And my tight shorts don’t make my legs bubble out as much as they used to! Enjoy my messy room and sleepy cat!

Also not that it matters but in case anyone doesn’t know, I’m agender and have had too surgery and was on hormones for a few years (I stopped them a couple of months ago), just in case I post a picture in a bra or something super fem that’s why😂

[heckingsadsac]

So my moms nurse was here yesterday to replace her iv (pick) lines, and draw blood for her chemo this morning, and she couldn’t get any blood return (which happens sometimes not a big deal), but she forgot to bring her needles to be able to draw blood without the iv, so since my moms chemo is at 9 this morning, she had to drive here in the snow at like 630. AND THIS LITERAL ANGEL DECIDED TO STOP ON HER WAY HERE TO BUY ME A COFFEE

I would die for her

[heckingsadsac]

I really don’t understand when people say

“You’re getting skinny, are you eating?”

Like, what do you really think I’m going to turn and say

“Actually no I’m not, thanks for asking though”

Like??? What

[heckingsadsac]

Wanna eat, but don’t wanna mess up my lipstick

Win win

[heckingsadsac]

Yall ever fall in love with someone on YouTube/tiktok? Not like obsessive idol type love, but just like their laugh, and their personality and just genuinely think that if you could meet them in person you’d be super compatible and it would just be so easy? Cause same? And I don’t know what to do about it because they obviously have no idea who I am, and probably never will, but I just feel creepy binge watching their videos and just falling harder and harder with each one you watch🙃

[heckingsadsac]

I’m absolutely loving being able to workout again, what I’m not loving however is how hungry it makes me, so I eat more cause I have -1 self control. I’d like to tell myself that the extra food is ok because the workouts even it out, but I really don’t think it ends up breaking even

[heckingsadsac]

I always read your username as "hecking sad as heck". And. Logically I know what your username is. But that does not stop my brain from saying it wrong every fucking time

Lmao I mean, that’s also correct though😂

[heckingsadsac]

God I seriously hate that having a lower weight means you don’t burn as many calories-.-

This morning I did a half hour of core focused yoga, then I took my dog for a mile and a half walk (and she pulls like a bitch so it’s also a great arm workout) then I just did a 35 min hiit workout. So that’s a lot right, seems like I should have burned a shit ton of calories today?

Ya no, according to my Apple Watch, my TOTAL calories burned today (including calories burned from just regular body functions and shit) is 1538???

And it’s 10:30pm so I know I won’t be burning much more then that

It’s just so frustrating!

[heckingsadsac]

So I’ve binged the past 4 nights... I keep doing really good all day, and then totally fucking up at night. Every morning I wake up and think today’s the day I get back on track, then it doesn’t happen. That being said, I’ve also worked out 5 times this past week, which is more then I have the past month. I really think I’ll be ok tonight... I hope, I got rid of all my snacks, but I’m sure if I really try I’ll find something to binge on-.-

Wish me luck

[heckingsadsac]

God I feel so massive tonight:(

Day 2 of not counting calories and I failed miserably. My moms mother is staying with us until Sunday (I hate her and refuse to call her gramma, that title is claimed by my moms step mom) and she’s just been so passive aggressive bitchy. Just little things, everything she says is backhanded. And since we only have 2 bedrooms, every time someone stays with us I have to give up my room and sleep on the couch. So my pillows are in the living room, off to the side, whatever. She’s sitting in the chair and just grabs one and puts it behind her/under her and goes ah that’s better. Like that’s very clearly my pillow?? And of course it was the one of the two that has to go on top, so now I’m going to be uncomfortable all night because I refuse to have my head on something that her ass was on.

But back to the point of this post.

I felt like I had done pretty good with my food today, and guessed I was around where I wanted to be calorie wise, and I was really hungry, so I argued with myself for over an hour before I finally said fuck it and made myself a bagel thin with a 50 cal protein peanut spread and half a banana sliced on it. And as I go back to the living room to eat it while everyone’s watching tv, she looks at me and says. I don’t know how you stay so slim, cause you eat so much food. So here I am absolutely mortified, my sister (who was visiting for the night) said “well lots of little meals” and my mom said something about how everything I eat is mostly vegetables. And she just goes, well still.

Like... today I made a green smoothie for breakfast, a kale salad for lunch, and roasted veggies and a serving of rice noodles with miso broth for dinner... I really didn’t think I’d eaten all that much so I panicked and ended up tracking everything, and including the bagel I’m still only around 890cal, which is higher then I’d hoped, but not nearly enough to warrant that comment? Idk now I just feel so huge and like a failure, for both eating so much, and also because I caved and counted my calories, I couldn’t even make it a full 2 days not counting

Sorry this was insanely long, and I doubt anyone will read it, but if for some reason you did, thanks for taking the time to listen to my rant🥰

[heckingsadsac]

Want a super creamy smoothie but don’t want to add bananas? Try frozen cauliflower! It has no flavor, is low calorie, and makes smoothies or blended sauces super creamy! Perfect addition to a smoothie bowl😊

[heckingsadsac]

Today was my first day not counting calories in about 4 months! I had a tofu scramble with peas and spinach for lunch (I’m not a huge breakfast person), I had a small bag of these weird snacklins things, they’re basically vegan pork rinds and they’re 80cal per bag, for dinner I roasted some broccoli, cauliflower, green pepper, yellow squash, and celery (sounds weird but it’s actually really good) with a serving of 10cal olive oil spray, and I made a sautéed kale and spinach salad with some onion and lime juice, and I made a “quesadilla” with a protein wrap, a bit of hummus and the roasted veggies (I put the veggies that didn’t fit in the salad) and some tomatoes (again the tomato that didn’t fit went on the salad). Then for a dessert I had some frozen grapes, pineapple, and mango with a spoonful of vegan light whipped cream.

I feel like I ate so much, but honestly I know it was all very healthy and low calorie. And I had enough energy to do a 45 min hiit workout and burned around 190 calories. I haven’t had the energy to actually work out in so long and it felt so good to be able to again! So have some really awkward selfies I took in my “home gym” (the unfinished upstairs with some dirty old mirrors I found😂)

[heckingsadsac]

~ once you start loosing weight you’ll never be able to find clothes small enough, even if you’re not even technically underweight yet

~ never finding any good thinspo or models to compare yourself to because they’re all atleast 5’7”

Short person ED problems:

• Being 100lbs is still too fat since you have a smaller body.

• If your significant other is taller than you then you look worse standing next to them because you’re short AND fat

• You already fit into Medium/ Small clothes so it’s not really fun or exciting when you loose weight and your clothing size doesn’t change

• People can already wrap their hands around your wrist because you’re so fucking small, not because you’re thin.

• Eating smaller portions is risky because to everyone else your normal healthy portions are already small and when you start restricting they suspect your eating disorder right away since eating that little isn’t normal to them at all.

[heckingsadsac]

My rescue cat was declawed at one of his previous homes, and I always feel so ashamed anytime I have to tell someone he’s declawed. Luckily he doesn’t seem to have any bad side effects from it, but it’s just such a horrible selfish thing to do to another living being

Just a reminder that declawing is mutilation. I’m not being dramatic, it’s an amputation. Multiple amputations in fact because you are taking the distal part of their toes off.

[heckingsadsac]

I think I’m going to try and not count my calories for about a week, then see where my weights at to see if it’s something I can manage... I’m really nervous because I don’t want to gain anything back, but I’m hoping that maybe I can atleast move my anxiety around food to the back of my brain instead of letting it run the show... wish my luck

[heckingsadsac]

I want to recover, but I also don’t want to gain any weight back... is that an option😂

[heckingsadsac]

Tw alcohol mentioned

Damn I know it’s just water weight but I gained 6lb from all the shit I ate and the booze I had last night0.0

I bought so much alcohol and planned to have an epic 21st even with Covid and my mom being sick, but I literally only had 2.5 shots (spread out through the night) like 3 sips of wine, and a few sips of a premade pina colada thing. I didn’t even get tipsy, I just wasn’t feeling it, so instead I just ate a shit ton of food, smoked a bit and went to bed by midnight... I feel like absolute shit today though