hecticcheer

[hecticcheer]

past me was so right holy crap this post slaps

Just–does it scare you guys, how in T/M/A canon when Jon goes right back to work after an injury he gets away with it? How he never learns his lesson, nothing bad enough ever happens to him to make him stop doing that? ... I am constantly hungry for art that lives with that fear, that stares at it, rather than trying to paper over it with stories about bodily suffering as an aberration that suspends the normal rules. ... [In] real life, pushing yourself till you shatter into pieces and your boyfriend (or friend, or coworker) puts them back together isn’t how you learn to take better care of yourself. Like? I’m not saying real life is “all h, no c”; it isn’t. Nor am I saying no one’s ever gonna drive you to the hospital if you come into work with a 104-degree fever; of course they will. I’m saying that a lot of the time, in real life you push and push and push and never shatter. You come in with a 101-degree fever, and it’s really fucking boring because you can’t concentrate, but no one notices you’re ill until you tell them, at which point they ask once, maybe twice if you shouldn’t be at home, and then change the subject for fear you’ll think they’re judging you. Whatever milestone you tell yourself you have to hit before you can stop? Either you’ll endure countless unanticipated miseries on the way but never find it, or you’ll pass it and think, “Huh, that’s weird–I don’t even feel that bad. Guess I’ll go another mile.”

is it tacky to quote your old text posts? oh well. past me was right and he should say it again

Have realized that one reason I love Dostoevsky is how often his characters have to Do Things while sick? One of the main antagonists in C&P is Raskolnikov’s inability to think straight or stay upright for long periods of time. I love that. I’ve been reading a lot of T/M/A sickfic (w-well, Jon sickfic, let’s not overgeneralize), but much of what I’ve found leaves me w/ an itch unscratched,* and, I think that’s what it is.

Keep reading

[hecticcheer]

Sneezing w/ injured ribs

[hecticcheer]

Like.

I want to be able to call myself aegosexual.

But I can't, because every explanation of that identity I've seen specifies enjoying the sight/thought/&c. of sex between people-not-yourself while not wanting to participate.

I want to be able to call myself fictosexual, or close to it. (Fictoflux I guess?)

But I can't, because when I get the horn for a fictional character it's not sex I want to do with them or imagine them having. It's just that the kind of excitement I have about it involves the same physical response that most people associate with sex

And I want to draw from this the conclusion that I'm looking in the wrong places?--that clearly this isn't a kind of sexual attraction, since every description of aspec forms of sexual attraction is...... about sex. Whereas I'm like, "No, see, if I'm reading kinkfic and there's a sex scene that always and immediately dampens the horn. I can enjoy sex scenes for intellectual reasons but kinkbrain is actively bored by them and will go offline until that part's over. The 'not actual sex' part is load-bearing. Show me kinds of attraction that aren't about sex."

But if I look at descriptions of other kinds of attraction they're all completely divorced from libido, which this isn't, so??? Not relevant either?

Hello????

Cranks about not understanding attraction labels. NSF/W and TMI af

I call myself aroace for convenience but find that kind of... reductive? Misleading? Because--what is kink attraction. It's definitely a real thing, that I definitely have, and in this realm I am extremely bi,* in a way that the aroace label doesn't leave much room for. And I want a way to communicate that because it's important to how I experience Being Queer in General. But I don't know if what I experience is a subset of sexual attraction? Aesthetic attraction? Something else entirely?

Like--what is "I want to have kink thoughts about this specific (real or fictional) person." What is "looking at/thinking about this specific (tbh usually fictional) person has reminded me that my kinks exist and I'm low-key horny now." Does the fact these feelings have the potential to stimulate sexual arousal make it sexual attraction? Or does an attraction count as sexual only if it makes the prospect of specifically sex with them seem appealing to me? Is some hypothetical person's "ooh he's cute; imagine if we had sex" sentiment fundamentally different than my "ooh he's cute; imagine if he had the flu" sentiment? Even if "IDK; maybe whack off to the thought of it later" is their and my identical response to these respective sentiments? Like: which thing makes an attraction sexual. The part where your genitals have a positive opinion about it, or the activity that the attraction makes you wish for? 'Cause like... I don't usually want to interact in meatspace at all with the people I'm kink-attracted to. But masturbation is a sex-adjacent pleasure, yeah? So if "maybe whack off about it later" is the action that an attraction draws me toward, then. Is that not sexual........?

And I don't even necessarily mean I wish there was a consensus on this. My wishes are less ambitious!--I just want to read perspectives on how one potentially might classify these feelings. The queer community is chock-full of microlabels and navelgazing, so? Why have I found no attempt anywhere ever by anyone to give words to experiences like this?

*Or pan if you prefer. I am but poorly educated on the difference between these terms' connotations tbh, but "bi" seems to be the more common term even among people who (like me) explicitly want to include nonbinary people on the list of people they can potentially be attracted to, so? Bi I guess?? It's more fun to say "bi" than "pan" IMO, so I have no complaints about the label; I just don't understand the politics here very well

[hecticcheer]

More of the same

Perhaps part of my problem is that "kink" is a very vague word, and that (don't sound bitter don't sound bitter don't sound bitter) most people when they say "kink" just mean "non-normative sex acts"

So that if I try to google "how does asexuality interact with kink" I just find a bunch of articles reassuring readers that yeah, you can be asexual and still want to Do BDSM!--in the same way you can be ace and yet want to have vanilla sex

Yeah dog I frickin' know that. I'm not asking for reassurance that my actions don't undermine my identity I just want to know how other people who intensely don't care about sex but do have fantasies about/whack off to stuff that isn't sex-related describe that phenomenon!!

And I know there's tons of people out there who are like me in this way. So why are none of the ten billion microlabels on the wiki about us? Or is there one and I just couldn't find it even after scouring the place? Are we all just Too Closeted to discuss the kinds of attraction we experience, even in the abstract?? Like I know niche fetishes like snz and emeto and stuffing are marginalized and largely invisible but... damn sons. This is sad

Cranks about not understanding attraction labels. NSF/W and TMI af

I call myself aroace for convenience but find that kind of... reductive? Misleading? Because--what is kink attraction. It's definitely a real thing, that I definitely have, and in this realm I am extremely bi,* in a way that the aroace label doesn't leave much room for. And I want a way to communicate that because it's important to how I experience Being Queer in General. But I don't know if what I experience is a subset of sexual attraction? Aesthetic attraction? Something else entirely?

Like--what is "I want to have kink thoughts about this specific (real or fictional) person." What is "looking at/thinking about this specific (tbh usually fictional) person has reminded me that my kinks exist and I'm low-key horny now." Does the fact these feelings have the potential to stimulate sexual arousal make it sexual attraction? Or does an attraction count as sexual only if it makes the prospect of specifically sex with them seem appealing to me? Is some hypothetical person's "ooh he's cute; imagine if we had sex" sentiment fundamentally different than my "ooh he's cute; imagine if he had the flu" sentiment? Even if "IDK; maybe whack off to the thought of it later" is their and my identical response to these respective sentiments? Like: which thing makes an attraction sexual. The part where your genitals have a positive opinion about it, or the activity that the attraction makes you wish for? 'Cause like... I don't usually want to interact in meatspace at all with the people I'm kink-attracted to. But masturbation is a sex-adjacent pleasure, yeah? So if "maybe whack off about it later" is the action that an attraction draws me toward, then. Is that not sexual........?

And I don't even necessarily mean I wish there was a consensus on this. My wishes are less ambitious!--I just want to read perspectives on how one potentially might classify these feelings. The queer community is chock-full of microlabels and navelgazing, so? Why have I found no attempt anywhere ever by anyone to give words to experiences like this?

*Or pan if you prefer. I am but poorly educated on the difference between these terms' connotations tbh, but "bi" seems to be the more common term even among people who (like me) explicitly want to include nonbinary people on the list of people they can potentially be attracted to, so? Bi I guess?? It's more fun to say "bi" than "pan" IMO, so I have no complaints about the label; I just don't understand the politics here very well

[hecticcheer]

Cranks about not understanding attraction labels. NSF/W and TMI af

I call myself aroace for convenience but find that kind of... reductive? Misleading? Because--what is kink attraction. It's definitely a real thing, that I definitely have, and in this realm I am extremely bi,* in a way that the aroace label doesn't leave much room for. And I want a way to communicate that because it's important to how I experience Being Queer in General. But I don't know if what I experience is a subset of sexual attraction? Aesthetic attraction? Something else entirely?

Like--what is "I want to have kink thoughts about this specific (real or fictional) person." What is "looking at/thinking about this specific (tbh usually fictional) person has reminded me that my kinks exist and I'm low-key horny now." Does the fact these feelings have the potential to stimulate sexual arousal make it sexual attraction? Or does an attraction count as sexual only if it makes the prospect of specifically sex with them seem appealing to me? Is some hypothetical person's "ooh he's cute; imagine if we had sex" sentiment fundamentally different than my "ooh he's cute; imagine if he had the flu" sentiment? Even if "IDK; maybe whack off to the thought of it later" is their and my identical response to these respective sentiments? Like: which thing makes an attraction sexual. The part where your genitals have a positive opinion about it, or the activity that the attraction makes you wish for? 'Cause like... I don't usually want to interact in meatspace at all with the people I'm kink-attracted to. But masturbation is a sex-adjacent pleasure, yeah? So if "maybe whack off about it later" is the action that an attraction draws me toward, then. Is that not sexual........?

And I don't even necessarily mean I wish there was a consensus on this. My wishes are less ambitious!--I just want to read perspectives on how one potentially might classify these feelings. The queer community is chock-full of microlabels and navelgazing, so? Why have I found no attempt anywhere ever by anyone to give words to experiences like this?

*Or pan if you prefer. I am but poorly educated on the difference between these terms' connotations tbh, but "bi" seems to be the more common term even among people who (like me) explicitly want to include nonbinary people on the list of people they can potentially be attracted to, so? Bi I guess?? It's more fun to say "bi" than "pan" IMO, so I have no complaints about the label; I just don't understand the politics here very well

[hecticcheer]

Not a huge fan of illness denial but I do love understatement--characters saying they're "not feeling their best" when they're in mind-bending pain, that they've "got a bit of an upset stomach" when they were up all night throwing up and have just come back from another round, or that they "didn't sleep too well" when they've been awake for days. But what makes me so crazy for this is the idea they're not lying: that, yeah, sure, they phrase their ailments in an understated way to prevent others worrying about them, but that that's like. A calculated, rational decision rather than a self-disrespecting one

I.e. that they actually genuinely don't consider their condition unusual/scary/particularly worth remarking, and bring it up only in answer to questions or to explain their behavior

You know--the "to me, this is Tuesday" implication

That's hot

[hecticcheer]

I'm weak for character for whom being taken care of is a big deal. Like. A huge deal. Not in the way that they would jump at the first opportunity to have someone take care of them because they just love it wo much but rather the opposite. It's not that they hate it, all though they may also feel like they do until they are able to relax into it, but it's difficult for them to allow themselves to be in that position. Maybe it's difficult for them to see it's all right for them to step out of their usual role as what ever, take a break and let someone else handle things for a moment. Maybe they feel vulnerable in that position and their mind keeps resisting it even after they've agreed to let someone take care of them for a bit. Maybe it's just such uncharted, weird territory to them they don't know how to be in that position. Maybe (preferably) it's all of that together. It's anyhow emotionally just. a huge thing they need to ease themselves into.

[hecticcheer]

Anyway the translation for this post is that I have Hol/low Kni/ght brain rot, and god damn if that fandom isn't even whumpier than its canon, but I...... have a hard time finding stuff I like because most of it's either

a. an extrapolation of canon events better left unsaid. Canon is so elegant and restrained that it's hard to elaborate on its hints without robbing it of its power. Also a lot of its horrors don't actually fit well in the human brain?? Like. Trying to imagine getting locked away with the Radiance is like trying to imagine an eternity in hell; it only works if you approach it sideways and playfully. I've seen it done beautifully,* but only by authors who take the viewpoint either of an outside observer, or of a THK for whom it's old news. I don't know how to look straight at suffering on that scale of time and intensity, and have found that the writers who think they do know how to do that........... are in way over their heads, actually

or b. "what if we took this thing that already sucks in canon, and made it even worse?"--which, too, can be done beautifully, but... most of the time, the answer is, "then either I will cry (and not in the fun way), because canon is already full of unspeakable horrors, or I will just get bored because, well, see point a." Tragedies becoming statistics, &c.

It's like, idk man--yes, I want to see my babies suffer; also yes, I want to see them find comfort; but neither of these will suffice if I don't also get to see them have traits that don't inspire pity or admiration or any other noble emotion of that kind. I require also evidence they care about things that don't matter. Whump tends to be pretty one-note, and I find this alienating lately because without little distracting subplots, or moments where you're low-stakes annoyed by or embarrassed for the characters--without these things I care either not enough or way too much, and will end up closing the tab.

*This one is my favorite

Have had a lot of trouble enjoying whump and similar lately. It's frustrating because like, I'm still habitually drawn to it? Like if I see a fic whose summary takes the form "bad thing happens to favored character" I get excited and click it without a second thought, and then

Either it leaves me cold, because so often descriptions of suffering will prioritize pathos and intensity over character, and, I hate feeling like I'm reading a persuasive essay on why I should feel sorry for my blorbo, you know?

Or it hits too close to home and I just get teary--in a stressed-out rather than cathartic or admiring way

[hecticcheer]

I’m sorry but the concept of men stifling is so hot. Like god you poor sad pathetic bastards having 2 sneeze :( do you have 2 sneeze baby boy?? So weak and sad that you can’t control your own body and it forces you to sneeze :( man weak and spineless when not control :( :( wrangle that shit into submission you pathetic little wet kitten. Get yourself under control, idiot. Agsjkdlakdksjsn

[hecticcheer]

you reblogged that ask so long ago but still curious about 4, 25, 31, 32 if ur still up for it

Oh yeah, I did reblog an ask game several moons ago! I assume you're referring to this one?

4. Sickie throwing up on themselves or throwing up on the caretaker?

On themselves, I guess? I'm a little squeamish about vomit itself if I'm honest, and that seems like it requires less dwelling on the ickiness. Although hmmm... come to think of it? Every emeto fic I can remember reading that involves a sick character throwing up on their caretaker (or in their house/car, on their furniture, &c.) has had said caretaker be effortlessly kind and grown up about it; I think I might enjoy a story from the caretaker's point of view where they're seriously yucked out and/or annoyed and it takes them an effort to respond gracefully.

25. Projectile vomiting that will need to be cleaned up or a more controlled stream that is easily flushed away?

I'm not sure I have a preference here. Again, from a kink perspective I'm a lot more interested in reading about nausea and vomiting than about what happens to the vomit itself. And from a story perspective I'm down for anything, you know?

31. Throwing up while showering or throwing up while in bed?

Ooh, definitely showering. Taking a shower to feel better and then ending up crouched in its corner, shaking, hiding from the stream of too-warm water; also the fact it leaves no evidence? Love that not so much from a hiding-sickness-from-others perspective as, like. How unreal it would feel afterward. Plus I prefer the mercy of leaving the character a clean bed to return to

32. ‘Vomit’ or ‘puke’?

Vomit. None of the words for this stuff are especially pleasing imo, but "puke" feels like a porn word in the same way "cock" does, and porn words tend to kill my immersion

[hecticcheer]

Have had a lot of trouble enjoying whump and similar lately. It's frustrating because like, I'm still habitually drawn to it? Like if I see a fic whose summary takes the form "bad thing happens to favored character" I get excited and click it without a second thought, and then

Either it leaves me cold, because so often descriptions of suffering will prioritize pathos and intensity over character, and, I hate feeling like I'm reading a persuasive essay on why I should feel sorry for my blorbo, you know?

Or it hits too close to home and I just get teary--in a stressed-out rather than cathartic or admiring way

[hecticcheer]

Contempt of one's bodily needs should look like something specific

"I don't like myself so I'm not gonna bother going to the hospital for this obviously-serious problem" is how it looks from outside. If you're writing from the point of view of a character who neglects themselves, show me what their rationalizations look like

Like, don't stop at "it's too expensive": show them trying to estimate how much a hospital stay would cost, then giving up on/getting distracted from that halfway through because they're so unwell and anxious.

Or give us a brief but vivid flashback to the last time they went to the ER, when no one could do much to help them and one nurse made a super rude comment they've never quite gotten out of their head.

Or, if you're writing a character who's never faced such an emergency alone before, have them remember a friend's story about the last time they sought medical attention. Maybe it seems to them like their friend overreacted? Or maybe their friend's injury sounds (at least to them) like it was so super mega obviously worse than whatever's going on w/ your character, and that story has set the precedent for them on what counts as emergent

Or, hell, set the story on a Sunday and give them a complaint bad enough to seek a same-day appointment or urgent-care visit over, but that doesn't yet seem bad enough to be worth sitting in the ER for five hours

Just, I don't know man, in theory I love this trope but I'm kinda sick of seeing stories where the author wants us to know right away that the character's being reckless. Have us sit with the possibility they're right not to seek help, you know? There's so much more suspense in that--and, imo, more respect for both the character and reader

[hecticcheer]

Emeto this or that?

Please send me some numbers:)

And Sorry if this has been done before, I’m just bored lol and feel free to do it as well :)

1. Stomach flu or food poisoning?

2. More focus on nausea or the actual vomiting?

3. Sickie telling caretaker from the get go that they feel nauseous or hiding it until the last possible minute?

4. Sickie throwing up on themselves or throwing up on the caretaker?

5. Shy flustered sickie or shy flustered caretaker?

6. Being described as turning extremely pale before being sick or being described as looking green?

7. Extremely long build up of nausea or sickie has a minute of nausea and make a big mess because they didn’t have enough time to find a bin?

8. Calm caretaker, frantic sickie or calm sickie, frantic caretaker?

9. Someone with a super sensitive tummy puking frequently or an iron strong stomach person getting sick for the first time in years?

10. Throwing up from over eating or throwing up from eating something that doesn’t agree with them?

11. Food sitting uncomfortably in sickie’s stomach, but it won’t come up or having nothing in their stomach but still frequently bringing up bile?

12. Throwing up from a having a bad migraine or throwing up from having a bad stomach ache?

13. Only being able to throw up a little every couple of hours or getting it all up at once?

14. Humiliated because they threw up in a crowded area or humiliated because they threw up in front of the last person they wanted to see?(ex: crush, enemy, boss)

15. Describing nausea as ‘swirling’ or ‘churning’?

16. Caretaker rubbing sickie’s stomach to help settle their tummy or pressing on the sickie’s stomach, so they can get it out and over with?

17. Sickie breaking down and admitting they have been feeling ill all day or caretaker can tell something is wrong and confronts them?

18. Word ‘tummy’ or ‘belly’?

19. Seasick or carsick?

20. 1 person sick, 2 caretakers or 2 people sick, 1 caretaker?

21. Chunky or liquid?

22. Can’t make it to the toilet: throw up in the bathtub or sink?

23. Holding hair their own hair back or someone else holding their hair?

24. Coughing up puke or burping it up?

25. Projectile vomiting that will need to be cleaned up or a more controlled stream that is easily flushed away?

26. Drinking Sprite or chewing on ginger to settle nausea?

27. Going extremely quite before throwing up or panicking?

28. ‘Upset tummy’ or ‘ sour stomach’?

29. Mistaking nausea as butterflies or mistaking butterflies as nausea?

30. Sickie gets caretaker sick: is fully recovered and can return the favour and look after caretaker, or is still under the weather and is having a difficult time helping?

31. Throwing up while showering or throwing up while in bed?

32. ‘Vomit’ or ‘puke’?

33. Sickfic with tons of fluff or angst?

34. Food sensitive stomach or nerve sensitive tummy?

35. Throwing up after coughing too hard or throwing up from being extremely dizzy?

36. A simple “I don’t feel so good” or “I’m going to throw up”?

37. Person that throws up a lot on a regular basis and is extremely fed up or person hasn’t thrown up in years and is desperate too? (ex: wants to remember what it feels like, wants to get out of something)

38. Throwing up during a test or presentation?

39. Tight clothing that makes the stomach feel worse or loose clothing, so the sickie gets a little relief?

40. Sickie is has been overworked and under a lot of stress recently, refusing to take a break until they are so overwhelmed it makes then physical ill or having a relaxing lazy day that is ruined from becoming sick halfway through ?

[hecticcheer]

I like how in the sickfic community, we have a mutual understanding that our ocs have actual normal lives outside of being sick every other day.

[hecticcheer]

I think I’ve read maybe two stories featuring something of this nature over my many years on the internet. But what about a ghost of a person who died while they had a cold, who is stuck with that cold for their whole afterlife? They may feel a little better or little worse on any given day, but are still sick and sneezy no matter what.

[hecticcheer]

Here’s an alternate version of Stoic Character Syndrome

Instead of denying to the ends of the earth that they are sick, they are completely blasé.

For example

A: “you sound terrible! Are you coming down with something?”

B: “I have a cold”

A: “I didn’t actually expect you to admit that”

B: “Why? It’s just a cold. Everyone gets colds”

But then it becomes clear that they have no intention of slowing down or resting. Just grabbing tissues or a handkerchief and getting on with it, they mightn’t even bother with medicine.

[hecticcheer]

I’ve written before about a sicknario where character A pretends to be sick only to end up getting sick later but consider:

Character A pretends to be sick to get out of doing something/to stay home for the day/(insert reason of your choice here) and character B takes care of them. Checking if they have a temperature, asking their symptoms, getting them water and food and anything else they may need, telling them to rest up, etc.

The twist? Character B is actually sick themself, maybe they’ve been sick for a few days and was debating on letting A know only to have A fall sick. Oh no they probably caught it from B and now they feel bad! Better make it up to them by taking care of them.

But of course A is gonna find out that B is sick and they second that’s found out A has to admit they were faking it. And now the roles are reversed with B resting up and A taking care of them