hedicate - Tumblr blog

[hedicate]

Honestly I'm just going to leave this here because I know I'll literally never touch this app again after I delete it

I'm just going to drop the biggest rant I've ever dropped in my entire life right here right now cuz I'm not about to go out of my way to rant to someone I know doesn't care about me anymore and has already seemingly moved on with his life

You were not ready for a relationship and your behavior proved that to me, and so did deep thought and realization. Between the comparing my behavior to your exes all the way to hurting me to my core because of your outlashes on me. It was all too much for me and I hope to god you can heal from the things people have put you through before you put someone through the same thing you put me through. Does that make sense? I don't know.

I felt like after everything I did, all of the sacrifices I made it wasn't ever good enough for you. I felt like an animal in a cage being poked at by you and your friends, that no matter what I did to show you how much I love you and how much you could trust me, I will always be seen as the dirt under your shoe.

And when you were comfortable, this is when our 70%/30% effort problem began to happen. That's not being "comfortable", that's an unhealthy way of saying "alright guys! I don't want to participate anymore because I know he's just going to stay with me in the long run!"

If that's just "the way you are", I'm sorry but that's not a valid excuse for the way you treated me.

Things began to click for me after you told me, after five whole months, you haven't told me anything about yourself other than your trauma, I felt like I was talking to a complete and total stranger. Like I just told you everything about me, and you gave me a part of you that isn't even happening at this moment and you left it with me. Is that all you wanted? You wanted a place to dump your past off and leave it there?

The real cherry on top was you letting your ex REALLY affect the way you thought about me, letting him tell me off and disrespect me when you KNOW your own morals. I felt like I was in stocks, I felt like people were throwing tomatoes at me and laughing.

It's ALWAYS been me getting the backlash from you, and Mya, and Evan and everyone. You preach and preach on how it's both sides but I know you'll continue to validate your behavior and talk about me like I'm some sort of lesson to your friends, and not even the good kind. I know you enough to make something negative out of me because that's all you do, that's all you'll ever see me as.

That's not you piecing anything together in your head, that's not your automatic reaction. You'd repeat things over and over again because you ACTUALLY believed it, you were just too afraid to admit it to me because let me guess.. You were scared of me?

I sometimes wonder if we would've still been together if you hadn't let Evan come back, and the answer is no. That may be the only thing I'm thankful for, is for him making me realize that I could never be good enough for you no matter how much blood, sweat and tears I put into you. The fact that you could talk about him the way you spoke about me is heartbreaking and it says absolutely everything to me that needed to be said.

I hope you end up happy with Evan because we all know that you never even stopped loving him, you talk about him in ways that I've never seen you talk about anyone before including me. You act like I never loved you for you even though you never gave me the opportunity to, and you idolize him after I leave. You say you could never find the words to express your "love for me" but you seemed to find them perfectly for him and that makes everything crystal clear to me. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM, stop being in denial.

The COUNTLESS nights I've sobbed in my mother's arms, in my best friends arms over you because of the way you treated me. You made me feel worse about myself for even simply existing.

I admit I made mistakes in our relationship, plenty to count, but I always tried to fix my wrongdoing, even when I knew nothing would've changed the way you saw me.

I don't wish any ill will towards you or your friends, but you're dead to me. We are and never will be friends or acquaintances ever again and I won't ever reach out to you.

@notverytexanytexan