heelsarefordancing-blog

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

the sadness

Comes up and overtakes me. it’s little things throughout each day that cause me pain. the sadness is completely wrapped up in the other men. i feel physical pain when i see one talking to other women, but the reality is I am petrified to be divorced. I am in so much pain over it that i can’t even speak about it without losing my shit. I say all the reasons that its happening, how happiness is on the other side, how I deserve so much more, how I need to matter to someone, etc. all those things are true…

but when i see families hanging out being families I ache. when I see couples making plans to spend time alone and exploring interests together I ask myself if we tried? did we? or did I bail because I thought I was going to be w someone else and falling into another domestic life with someone I thought was hot was going to be the way to go. Did I have a fantasy that running into someone else’s arms was going to put together all my shattered pieces? 

or is it because throughout all of this I thought my husband would fight for me? how I hoped he’d want to be the one I thought of every morning and before i went to sleep. I hoped he’d try to win me back, by feeling sad and begging me to not walk away. by watching my pain through this process and saying what can I do to help you? even expressing that he once loved me and was afraid to live life without me. 

i didn’t get that. Not for a minute. He has resolved that we are done and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I am not done. That’s the absolute worst part. I still want to protect him from shitty people, I still care about him and his well being, on a regular basis I want to fall into his arms and tell him everything and about my pain.I still want to hang out as a family and it kills me that there is no more family life or vacations to ever be had together. 

I’ll never have that from him. While I was tearing him down he was building walls to protect himself from me. I get it. but i can’t sign those fucking papers saying we are done. because i’m not. all the acting out is a direct result to being in pain, it’s not about actually having the other relationships. 

I look at our wedding picture and I have no regrets. I was in love and was so excited to be walking towards the rest of my life. The idea that there was someone who wanted to spend their life with me was thrilling. He’s saved me, he’s destroyed me, he’s loved me, he’s hated me, he’s fed me and starved me, he’s opened my mind and closed his, he’s selfish and refuses to accept responsibility for any wrongdoings, but for some reason, i ache with sadness because I still love him. 

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

what do i want

I was asked today what I want.

happiness. friends. laughter. new experiences and adventures. to feel free and that around every corner is an opportunity. 

what I want in a partner: a supporter, genuine care and concern, interest in trying new things, acceptance of me, a soft place to land.

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

I'm Out

Driving home from a bar on Tuesday night and I wanted to hear from you. I almost lost my shit over you. I was physically antsy that you hadn't reached out. I struggled and struggled over texting. But I was afraid as I always am when its been several days that if I text you won't respond. When you don't respond it is worse than me just waiting. I slept for a couple hours, but then woke up around 2:30. I saw you online and decided "fuck it" and I texted.

Then I wondered why....cause it matters too fucking much. Everything with you matters too much to me. I want to be able to hang out with you, see you,talk to you like the rest of my friends, and mostly I'm done with the secrets. I feel like that's all I am to you is a fucking secret. You have your life and the people in it and a bad part is that I used to be friends with your girlfriend. so that makes me feel kind of bad sometimes. 

so she's not just some random. It's some girl who would hurt if she found out we were a thing. so what I wish...was that you were single and wanted to be with me the way I want to be with you...out in the open.

I don't see that happening...my life has been changing quickly and as much as I needed you to be my secret I am passed that...

I am so much more than a secret. 

I can't deal with the frustration of not knowing when you are coming back to want to talk to me, what kind of thoughts you have about me, if you care nearly as much about me as I care about you. I want to end the uncertainty so I am out.

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

Sometimes

sometimes I think that i love you then i think that i love you for what you've done for me unknowingly. i saw in you something that i wanted to be a part of, you had this reputation, but in my almost 1 year relationship with you i have never experienced anything but positive interactions with you. 

you had turned into my drug that I couldn't get enough of, the smiles and teasing and all the good feelings that came with it-that there was a person out there thinking of me and wanting to talk to me. I waited with anticipation for the end of the day so I could come see you. 

sometimes i love you for allowing me to see that men do like me, think I'm hot, think I'm strong, enjoy talking with me, and that I deserve much more than I was getting. for that, i will always be grateful. that after a lot of  years i could FEEL again and a lot, and experience joy, anticipation, excitement, and still after all this time of texting, a wave of relief every.fucking. time. a text comes in because then I know for sure you haven't bailed.

i work on every day being ok with the possibility that one of us will bail. somedays I think it'll be you and other days I think it'll be me.

sometimes I think neither will bail because we need *this* too much-the attention the knowledge of someone wanting us, the secret relationship, the one that no one can know about for many reasons, the level of dirtiness that is just getting started...

sometimes I think I don't even know you....

sometimes I think if you really knew me that you wouldn't even like me

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

This domestic life

  This domestic life has been a challenge for the last six years. A lot of my issues in my marriage falling apart can be contributed to this domestic life. 

Dear future ex husband,

Six years ago we welcomed our daughter having NO idea that no one was going to help us, make us food, baby-sit etc. You needed to make money and I lost the very thing that keeps me going-my friendships and relationships as they all seemed to disappear rapidly after having our daughter.

     The ONE thing that kept me going was training for my half marathon. That was all I had outside of being her mom. I didn't have friendships or consistent people to even talk to. I was lonely, isolated, bored, and looking for a partner. Someone to hang out with and have fun with even though I was pretty tired and worn down from keeping up with this domestic life. 

 Being back at work helped and it helped us but not really. Domestic life with a kid who seemingly was dissatisfied herself took its toll. 

Most people just deal.I dont think either of us ever wanted to "just deal"

we had more important things to do for our survival. 

This relationship that was ignored, resented, and taken for granted lost its appeal for both of us.

      We lost fun, friendship, intimacy, connectedness, trust, love, loyalty, etc.

I was an obligation, something to water every once in awhile so I didn't die.

I have needed more than you want to give.

My needs have sucked the life out of you and the lack of attention paid to me or the house or the family sucked the life out of me. 

We lost it while trying to uphold this domestic life.

I'll never strive to spend all my time taking care of household tasks or K. It doesn't work for me.

You'll never strive to spend your time taking care of household tasks or K. It doesn't work for you either.

If we both followed our hearts, I don't think it would be back to one another. 

Our hearts are in taking care of ourselves, in not pretending, in not spending time doing shit that doesn't matter to us.

We are the same in that respect. Neither will allow all their needs to go unmet. i have a whole rest of my lifetime of living to do and I don't give a shit if you are supporting me or not. I can't force you and I'm done trying. I need to learn to be a strong independent female. BY MYSELF.

The pain sucks, mostly because I wish I didn't have to see you anymore.

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

The good, the bad, and the depressing

I stopped writing because I was in a funk and still am. The Open Wod’s combined with final preparations for my half was a little stressful. I realized that by doing the open wods on both fri and sat that it left me unable to properly run. My last long run before the race was 11 hilly miles and my time significantly slowed down due to my soreness from crossfit. 

I realized during the open where my priorities are. I like crossfit, but some things are out of my reach. Could I really really push myself to make something happen? yes. I spent many nights on practically dead arms practicing negative hand stand push ups or just being upside down. I practiced double unders, I practiced sit ups, etc. But in the end I was doing everything on overworked muscles and I wasn’t feeling light and fast on my runs and that blew my mind. so I stopped practicing. I stopped doubling up and decided one work out a day has to be enough because I won;t be able to do anything well if I keep up my schedule. 

During the open I managed a 65 pound OHS. In 3 minutes I did 7 of them and hated every minute of it. I also taught myself toes to bar with my awkward not quite there yet kip. I also kicked ass in this deadlift wod. As much as I always loved deadlifts I know that for my size I will prob never be a heavy deadlifter even if I try so hard and have shitty form, it’s not going to be my area of acceleration. I had a sore back for 3 days from shitty deadlift form and I thought….WHY?

I have a busted shoulder. I find out a Tuesday what is actually wrong with it-suspicions are that its a rotator cuff issue. Most likely I am going to have to take 4-6 weeks off and somehow rehab my shoulder. I am going away next week and had planned on visiting a crossfit in GA. I may still do that-busted shoulder and all.

I ran my half in 1:48. I didn’t run a smart race. My GPS was messed up and was saying I was running in the very low 7’s in the first few miles…ummm, no I wasn’t!! I was running mid 8’s. I thought for sure that the last 3 miles I was going to bust out some amazing pace…in reality, my legs were tight, it was pouring, and I felt like it was never going to end. No passing people in some glorious moment…

 so that experience is frustrating…it could have been a better race if I trained better and not on tired muscles…

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

11 miles

1 mi08:51 min/mi8:50

2 mi08:45 min/mi8:44

3 mi08:24 min/mi8:23

4 mi08:17 min/mi8:17

5 mi08:19 min/mi8:17

6 mi07:59 min/mi7:58

7 mi08:17 min/mi8:16

8 mi08:41 min/mi8:40

9 mi08:43 min/mi8:43

10 mi09:02 min/mi9:00

10.8 mi08:53 min/mi7:15

MAP OPTIONS

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

rant

I haven't posted in awhile because I feel like I am in a slump and there is nothing to brag about. I have been feeling more and more frustrated as the games have started. Last week I re-did "Jackie" and assumed I'd kill it since I've been rowing a lot. Ummm, no. I beat my time by 30 secs. Really? I bust through my thrusters at what I think is a reasonable rate....but it really was just about the same as a month ago. The other members all got to put their name on the wall for their PR's and I couldn't be on the wall since I had to use the band for pull ups. 

The open was announced and out of 38 people at my box, only 2 of us did singles. 2 people and I was one of them. I've been there 6 freaking months and I can't do one double under. I asked the gym teacher at my school to help me and we are working on my wrists, but its truly embarasssing on some level. 

I didn't run my long run this week and I didn't give a shit. I didn't row this week and I didn't care. My shoulder was in so much pain that while trying to do jerks today I was in excusiating pain. I started to cry my arm/shoulder hurt so badly. I did my own workout. It sucked that I couldn't do what everyone else was doing. The next open will be announced and it will prob be more shit that I can't do...

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

Crossfit open

Shit just got real. First open WOD announced. I'm doing it Saturday. Not a fan of snatches and I can't do double unders!!!!I wish I could do the DU.

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

10 miles!

STANCEPACEELAPSED TIME1 mi08:08 min/mi8:07

2 mi08:22 min/mi8:21

3 mi08:07 min/mi8:05

4 mi07:51 min/mi7:51

5 mi08:03 min/mi8:02

6 mi07:38 min/mi7:37

7 mi07:42 min/mi7:41

8 mi08:04 min/mi8:03

9 mi08:36 min/mi8:35

10 mi08:32 min/mi8:3110 mi08:38 min/mi0:20

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

Fire the Pistols!

I practiced pistols once but haven't done them in a WOD. I did them on a box and it took a really long time. I had to concentrate a lot so I would not fall. I bought a jump rope on Amazon since I hate having someone else use "my" jumprope.  I had coach cut it for me, but then it was awful to use. I felt like it was too short and I kept tripping over it. I need to drop my deadlift weight, I could feel my back rounding...

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

9 miles

Longest distance I have done in about 3 years...I felt shitty the entire run. My back hurt, I was cold, and even when I was pushing as hard as I could a slight incline felt like I was climbing mt. everest. told my coach I wanted a re-do. so next sunday, please, please by warmer so I can feel better and run faster. I can NOT stand running in this cold ANYMORE!!!!!

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

All I can say is that it was hard. I can't catch my clean in a squat, more like a tiny bend in my legs. So I basically had to do a front squat 10 times. Coach said I get five stars...so I guess I did ok.

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

Overhead Squats

It's quite frustrating when I've done a move before and suddenly yesterday I couldn't without difficulty. The first time I did OH squats I used an empty bar and did not go all the way down. I came back up as soon as it was uncomfortable. Since last week when my flexibility/tightness was pointed out to me and I work on it, I can feel the tightness. I practiced OH squats at home and could feel myself leaning forward and running out of breath trying them. When I warmed up I said to coach, "i am having trouble with OH squats." he told me to use a PVC pipe. ugh. regression. I ended up using a band. I had as much trouble as people with lots of weight on their bars. foam roller, foam roller, foam roller, oh and everyone liked my ass in my super tight capri pants. My ass is the talk of the box.

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

mobility for runners

http://running.competitor.com/2011/08/injury-prevention/the-10-best-mobility-exercises-for-runners_36329/10

[heelsarefordancing-blog]

"jackie"