heinous-eli

[heinous-eli]

Calling it "the cheesy snack that smiles back" presumes that you're smiling.

[heinous-eli]

A Cellular Longing

Unfocus to see: it is only the inconsistency saying all isn't pulsing in unity

Then, blink into clarity

Solidity is made into illusion Most of what's between, most of what's everything, isn't anything at all What's fundamental is emptiness.

Do you hear the mostly-gaps crying out to be crossed?

Or maybe it's us yearning to traverse

To leave halos in our wake To carve the trails that we take To dust up the little clouds we make

To shed bits of ourselves studded into the vast nothing that they might serve as markers: that there is matter that we are matter that we think we matter that we matter here

[heinous-eli]

love how so many cultures looked at cabbage and thought like "Let's put this in a well-seasoned, mildly acidic solution along with some other veggies, like carrots and onions, then let some friendly bacteria have its way"

curtido, kimchee, sauerkraut, band gobhi achar -- all s-tier sour crunchy sides

[heinous-eli]

Untitled [written ~20 years ago, revised a few times]

So cold, it's so cold just because you were so bold as to take and squeeze the universe (whose vast distances our minds traverse in our short bursts of ample time) and with such brashness of rhyme to roll it between your cross-scarred fingers (with a gaze that I always hope will linger... ah, the clarity of that blue-dappled eye!) and narrow the uncertainty that I deny.

The terse moments are not so fleet so as to drive away what they imply Say the caustic words and repeat: Just a blip on the radar to me My own words, as I recall? But that was not it, not truly it, at all.

Here I give my translation: I've lost more than my faith in revelation for you've turned all that's in my head  but I find it much too hard to concede what I think, what I feel — what I need? I cannot pour frankness into your ear when all but clarity can be found here. It was once a truth and then once more a lie All that I no longer can bear to deny

The wellings-up grow ever more strong It's stupid and it's pointless and it's wrong But that sleight of word that does certainty decry... what that evokes — I can never deny

Here I give my revelation: While you could be but my mind's creation you feel like a cruel trick of fate. Our shared time stretches under its own weight. Silent only as we contemplate parting for the night Shirking others for each other — how delightfully trite And then you compelled me to ungrip my hand and unclasp my fingers to meet your demand palm to palm pressed, holy pilgrims — and then you told of admiration grown from how I'd grown more bold.

I might be God, and so might you be but divine signs and patterns are all I see pointing to you in a clear line but just as clearly, I know you are not mine. And so I leave it, and within an hour or two fuel my gasps for another with my thoughts of you. When I speak of it with you, my mouth twisted and wry You take the bait and begin to decry

You say that I want to be swept off my feet that I want a true mind to with mine meet I drag out my "no", let it hang in front of you as though through stretching alone I could make it true It fills my mouth to muffle what I want to cry: You — you are the love I must deny.

[for S., with equal sheepish apologies to T.S. Eliot and Surah Ar-Rahman]

[heinous-eli]

I have a theory.

The Right thinks that DEI/affirmative action/etc. elevates mediocrity because of the dismal quality of their own tokens.

Look no further than the fashion designers, musicians, filmmakers, actors, drag performers, and other, ahem, "creative" types who went MAGA for proof, especially the queer and/or non-white among them. They're tiny-ass, undistinguished fish in ponds so small and undisturbed by talent that they're not even qualified to be tempests in teacups.

[heinous-eli]

My brain decided this ad said "Half the Twice, Size the Worry".

This is because of the italics and because I still hate the order in which words on the road appear.

[heinous-eli]

There's a Hole in the Bucket is more than just a fun little folk song. It's a warning about weaponized incompetence. In this essay I will

[heinous-eli]

"Your cat doesn't *actually* love you, it's just because you feed them. Oh and they only snuggle with you because they want your warmth!"

Oh, bud, do I have news for you about the origins of affection in all those other mammalian species, too.

[heinous-eli]

Is it just me or have people suddenly started using "the x of y" instead of "y's x" more? It comes off as so stilted to me.

[heinous-eli]

WE NEED MORE DANCING MUMMIES

There are fewer music videos featuring dancing mummies than I expected. 1997 had two, Around the World by Daft Punk and Everybody (Backstreet's Back) by Backstreet Boys. Nearly a quarter of a century went by until we had another, Nadiyon Paar (Let the Music Play Again) from the 2021 Bollywood movie Roohi.

Music videos that I expected to have Ancient Egypt-theming but don't for some reason (?!) are 1979's Egypt by Kate Bush (more modern Egypt/ruins-themed, OK fine) and, most surprisingly, 1986's Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles.

Granted, those were still relatively early days for music videos, but damn, Walk Like an Egyptian really phoned it in. Not even a little Cleopatra eyeliner for the performance or a picture of a pyramid projected on the background or something? Just a quick blink-and-you'll-miss-it flash for a few seconds of the four members of the Bangles in some really bad costumes that read more Temu Ancient Greek than anything? Weaksauce.

There are lots of music videos that are Ancient Egypt-themed but are sorely lacking in dancing mummies.

- King Tut by Steve Martin (1978) - Egypt (The Chains Are On) by Dio (1984), which is technically a concert recording (Live at The Spectrum 1984) but it's themed as fuck so it counts - Tut-Ench-Amon by Falco (1984) - Valley of the Kings by Blue Murder (1989) - Remember the Time by Michael Jackson (1992) - Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See by Busta Rhymes (1997) , which features a pastiche of themes but that's OK, it slaps - The Curse by Josh Ritter (2010) - Dark Horse by Katy Perry (2013)

Honorable mention: Suraj Hua Maddham from the 2001 Bollywood movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham. Because pyramids.

[heinous-eli]

The Four Millennial Horsemen of Things Not Yet Identified:

- a Jigglypuff as seen from above

- loss

- not lupus

- Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up

[heinous-eli]

My former foster kitty Mavis (née Duchess) was incredibly cruel with her affections. Every time I would bring a big strong paper bag home for her benefit, she would fall in love with its crinkly noises. Then, she would use it and use it until the bag had no crinkles left, at which point she'd become bored and leave it alone. There it would sit, reduced to a sad lonely life of uselessness.

Alas, poor shopping bags, destroyed by love and then abandoned.

[heinous-eli]

I've long owned a very old copy of The Age of Chivalry; Or, Legends of King Arthur by Thomas Bulfinch. It's got an 1898 copyright date, a preface dated as 1900, and a title page illustration marked 1908. Its cover is extremely worn, but the insides are intact and still pretty.

Today, I decided to look up the person whose name is on the bookplate. I found him in an ad in the San Bernardino Sun, Volume 62, Number 140, 18 July 1928.

He was a butt doctor.

[heinous-eli]

Could there be anything worse than realizing that you're the ex Chappell Roan is talking about in "Good Luck, Babe!"?

Yes. Yes, there is.

It would be worse to mistake yourself for the ex Chappell Roan is talking about in Good Luck, Babe!

[heinous-eli]

Key to Nowhere

You cry out for someone save you from this trap an irresistible call to ears like mine

Oh, what can I do? What shall I do? Anything at all for you

I fumble to find the release There must be a catch somewhere out here that will let me let you out

My groping leads me nowhere but closer to you so I step away to get a better look

As I examine the fuller picture of it all your hand pops out as if by magic (or is it just a door I've never seen before?)

You hold it out to me but I don't take it already preoccupied with taking it all in

Your face appears above your tightly-clenched fingers Your eyes beg me to let you unclasp I let you place it upon my palm You retreat as though you were never out here

Your pleas for me to release you shift from wistful to YOU HAVE THE FUCKING KEY LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW

With one hand and both ears so full of what you've given me I resume my search, somehow more fruitless than before

My vain efforts rise in sync with your cries

You go from expelling your heart's content through your lungs to inhaling every molecule of oxygen left

Before I can drop it right there so that the force of your vacuum sucks it in and lets me let you choke on it-- you expel all you took in back out blasting me far away from you embedding its jagged edges into my skin

Now you can tell the next one a truth that I'd absconded with the only copy

[heinous-eli]

I am currently reviewing and auditing digital records related to Internet governance. Many are legal documents that underwent endless cycles of revisions and approvals. The oldest among them are over 25 years old.

Much of what used to baffle me about Microsoft Word suddenly makes so. much. sense.

[heinous-eli]

Hot Relationship Tip: Be kind.

That's it. That's the post.

Kindness is seemingly such a simple concept, but I think it's underrated. In established relationships, it can be too easy to drown in layers of sarcasm, irony, and cynicism to the point where genuine affection isn't really expressed. Not good.

These days, when I want to explain my divorce without getting into too many details, I'll say that being in 2020 lockdown made me see just how mean he was treating me all the time. It's the truth, and it's interesting (and maybe sad) to see how many people genuinely nod and get it. Like yeah, who wants to be around someone who is just plain old mean to them all the time?

Praxis starts at home. Concepts like axes of oppression exist to describe social issues, not to justify interpersonal cruelty. Being awful to your partner isn't "punching up". Kindness isn't ever too big of a priority.