hela-staden-blog

[hela-staden-blog]

Innocuous, Unconscious

26 JANUARY 2016

 Beyond “standing alone,” But also under the heavy rock of supporting.   Will you use your words? In the right way?   Don’t further emphasize self-doubt on those you’d like to help.   Sometimes scooping those you love, nuzzling them into your bosom,   It’s suffocating. To us all. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you’re honest. This isn’t a writing prompt as much as a starving urge to have faith in something, ANYTHING palpable. Malleable?   I believe in change, but I’m so fucking impatient. And slow. I am so slow. My finished thought is never what I started with. But who’s to say that long term is key? Maybe I’m just a short term person. Maybe I’m just cold. Maybe this train is just way too loud for me to maintain focus.   Really, I think I’m just too drunk. And indecisive. I blame the internet.   The train block sounds like church bells. How spiritual. Maybe it’s some hidden symbolism, or maybe I’m just desperately searching for meaning. Who fuckin’ knows. Better yet--Who fuckin’ cares? What I do know is that I’ve spend a long time surrounded by other people... blocking. I’ve been alone today for longer than I have been in what feels like five years. And what am I doing? Chain smoking cigarettes(way to go, Lauren.), and writing a bunch of bullshit. It’s better than distracting, though... I think. Even if I am talking about nothing... even if I am drawing the same thing I always have... maybe I’ll eventually get tired of circles. I doubt it, though. Circles are my favorite. Metaphorically, physically... Jesus, I’m so fucking boring.

[hela-staden-blog]

10 SEPTEMBER 2014

Why do I love you so much? I guess it's because you love The Dead Milk Men. When you sing Bitchin' Camaro my heart fills up with jelly. Or maybe it's that awesome missing tooth you have. Paired with your dry wit? God, what a deal.

Maybe it's just because I find older men attractive. YOU. ARE. SO. PERFECT. I. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. TO. DO. WITH. MYSELF.

holy shit.

[hela-staden-blog]

5 MAY 2014

I'd rather go into great detail.

BUT, some keywords include:

-reading to me -best back massage EVER -David Sedaris -Heineken -dry humor -life advice -strength -sweet love, man -comfort -hope these coolers don't have cameras

[hela-staden-blog]

I have loved you, and only you, in my lifetime. I'm not sure if that same love still exists, or if I've killed it in exchange for some "necessary" life experiences. I don't think I'm capable of getting that back. Was it worth it?

[hela-staden-blog]

It's April 28, 2014 (29th, technically), and I can't decide if I'm drunk enough to write what's important.

Man, I've experienced so many extreme feelings over the last few days. Where do I start?

What do you do with feelings you can't explain? What's the next step? I feel strong feelings of love--compassion, i guess--for everyone I can understand. For the one who fucks girls to feel a sense of accomplishment, for the one who thinks he loves someone that he won't even take the time to understand, for the one that loves so deeply he forgets how to live... for the one who's convinced he's going to marry the woman he shares a child with because the one who can love him exactly the way he needs has already made a ridiculous commitment to his best friend. I feel everyone's feelings as if they were my own, and my boots are the heaviest they've been since I was seven years old. I keep fucking up, but it's only because I know how badly it hurts everyone else to fuck up, and my fuck up is worth seeing something lively sparkling in their spirit, even if it's only for a short time.

I think too much. Everyone thinks too much, and I just want to help them with more than some kind of empathetic physical contact. More than that romantic fuck that says, "Hey, I understand you, I've felt what you're feeling, and it hurts me, too." Because sometimes that's the wrong thing to do. Maybe I'm a horrible person for trying to make everyone feel better at the same time.

God, is this what an existential life crisis feels like? Am I doomed to feel deeply for the rest of my life?

[hela-staden-blog]

If I do not learn how to express myself soon, I'm going to explode. That's why I started this blog--to write everyday. I'm already failing miserably. Today is April twenty-second, and I feel so full. I am brimming with things I was never taught to explain, and for this reason I am mostly anxious, and slightly sad. I've also eaten a lot of hummus, and a piece of grease-heavy pizza in the last hour. I didn't work out today. Oh man.

I am going to skip class tomorrow, and justify it in my brain by repeating the phrase, "you did not skip a single class last week" to myself until I don't feel guilty anymore.

I will write everyday, or document somehow, at least. TRY HARDER.