hellobarbarellauniverse

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If this tea does not work, I ´ll try Valium.

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This is my life. Hardly have I earned some cash, it goes away the next minute.

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Body over Mind

You know what? When you’re lying in bed not able to move one inch because you’re afraid your neck will fall apart, the last think you think of is whether you’re heading towards a successful career.

That’s what I remember from July 2016. Vividly. 

And that’s what I forgot. 

In a very rare “lightbulb” moment somewhere between 2 - 3pm while I was staring at Instagram accounts of bakery, typing in another caption such as “Not another day without a delicious muffin” I remembered. Until I forgot again and my fear of giving away a great opportunity and the dream of a life here that will become easier and pay off at some point took over. 

Lucky I sent a text message to my dear friend so I have evidence that it happened. So I am scribbling it down, for future reference:

After being asked again: “Are you 100% sure you want to go through it? (with the sponsorship)”. After I pulled a very unconvincing performance of how I need to do my research first and how it is good for them to see if they like my work too, he gave me one more important piece of the puzzle. If sponsored, you get paid a significantly higher wage than your position will usually bring (this is to make businesses think twice if they really want to support an immigrant instead of an Australian worker). What it means for me is possibly 45plus working week for two years. What??? I suddenly realized… I had a serious accident that I’m lucky to have walked away the way I did. I had a serious aftermath of that. Combined with a very bad case of life-work balance, I had a physical breakdown a year ago. I was bed ridden for 3 months. I went through intensive rehab. I am happy that after almost 8 months, the pain eventually went away. And now I expect from myself to carry on in a pace like nothing ever happened. I’m crazy. Instead of learning from that and adjusting my life in a way that would benefit my body, I keep pushing it back to the same way of life that I know was not good for me.  I am actively working on destroying myself again and denying it by accusing myself of not doing enough for this dream of mine. 

Yes, I knew it requires a lot of work. Challenges. I am good with challenges. But I am not 100% healthy yet. 

[hellobarbarellauniverse]

Hello another room. If all else was great, I never want to leave you.

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Another room, another chapter

Imagine that you have a job. Against all odds, you managed to land some relevant work in a small coastal town. The people are nice. You feel like your work is not your shiniest moment in your career as each task feels like giving birth to a small coffee article. Yet they still like it and keep saying you’re killing it. Imagine that everyone is telling you how lucky you are. How you couldn’t work in a better company. I guess they are right. But…

But my neck is hurting. Every day I come home (which has become a loose word identifying temporary spaces where my earplugs, mobile and suitcase are located) I am utterly exhausted and want to go to sleep at 7pm. Next day the same thing. I keep telling myself that eventually I will start learning things and start enjoying it. Thinking about losing the security of money and “turning my back on the perfect job that offered you sponsorship after 3 weeks of mediocre performance” and the thought of starting the job search and homelessness again makes me sick.

The irony of life. One year ago, I wanted nothing more than coming here, landing a job, working there, and making them want to keep me after 6 months. I had no idea where to start looking. Now it all happened out of nowhere and I feel like I am not quite ready and need more time. My body is not ready. I don’t want to commit myself to another 3 years of slaving away in the office (which might be interrupted by another neck episode). Just don’t have the energy to start this fight now. I haven’t seen Melbourne yet. What if that’s where all the culture and like-minded people are? What if that’s where the job for me is? What if that’s yet another sadly overpopulated city with millions of over-achievers looking for jobs are that will give me a  slap of what’s my imagination and what’s the reality?

Do you wait and hope that it will get better? Do you believe the horoscope that said that this job will end up being completely different from what it said in the beginning? Do you just throw it away? Or do you throw your life away? Only to find out that that’s not what you wanted and there’s no time to fix it…

I’m tired of the big questions. I’m tired of making one big decision after another. I’m tired of not having a ground beneath my feet and feeling like I rely on other people with basic things. I’m tired.

I look at myself in the mirror and see a worn out creature.

Is my wish to flee to the Outback and feel the intoxicating surge of freedom and happiness where nothing like this matters because your biggest worry is to have a bottle of water ready and snakes at your arm’s length just another attempt to give myself a reason why to run away from it?

I feel like I am floating further and further away from that inspiration.

But what if this gives me money to see more places and shoot more material?

That is, if I still remember why I am doing it and have enough energy left…

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Packing has become my most polished skill of late. I can sort through, minimize and pack up my whole life ready to hit the road again in less than 40minutes. I don’t even care how many things I leave behind, jusz couldn’t be bothered with any extra boxes and bags.

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Goal

After identifying the current issues, I have made adjustments in my work to overcome them.

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Milestone: One month at Clandestino

Today we had a full day workshop at Jaxon’s place. I find it surreal that one month ago I was contemplating taking a job at a factory where I would build sliding doors 9-5 (this job was actually given to someone who had a forklift licence even before I could internalise that I want it) and now I am in a branding sprint workshop at this beautiful mansion at Noosa Waters. Note to self: 

This is the second time in my life when I have a boss who is just a few years older than me and we’re working on our brand from his home while his kids/dogs run around. I have some serious issues of working in agencies and corporations so this feels like the only way I can handle the marketing and business environment. It’s funny how you create your stress triggers. Two months ago, I couldn’t sleep because I had anxiety issues about what’s going to happen with me next when I am in a town that has no opportunities, does not want to employ me even as a cleaner, can’t leave anywhere because I have the last $200 in my account, I am in debt and I have a home just because my friends have a big heart. Today, I have a job in my industry, working for one of the most recognised love brands in Noosa, I paid off half of my debt after a month of working. And yet my neck is killing me (which has become the best indicator of when something’s not right as it burns and hurts like hell whenever I get stressed out and tense) and I feel like I can’t do this job at all even though everyone keeps reassuring me how helpful I am. I keep thinking that I have no idea what I’m doing and wait for them to see it. I still don’t know where I will live from next week on as I have to move out of Anna’s and Branko’s. 

I feel like I’m shit at this. I don’t know how to do the small talk and be the chirpy one. I miss working on creative projects. 

I just have no energy left.

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The Other Goals

I’ve just realized that if nothing else works out, this adventure will teach me a lot: a) You can’t have overall control of your life. Sometimes it’s best to let go. By throwing such an unbearable amount of little and big fights, there just was no energy left to overreact to each one of them like I used to. I gave up. I started accepting them. You don’t have to make the perfect decision in every single case, something else will come along. b) One thing might lead you to the other, bigger thing. Even if you don’t see it now. I believe that Longreach still has some part to play in all this. And that was not planned at all, it has taught me a lot. c) Sometimes the only one who is holding you back, is you. People are giving me a chance and trust in me, and I still freak out whether I can do this job. I’ve got nothing to lose, only to win from this thing. If it fails for some reason, it’s OK too. Look at what you’re learning in the process. d) You are stronger than you think. Own it.

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Noosa attracts people for its outdoor lifestyle. This was our office on Friday.

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Delivery Day with Josh.

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Day 1 of babysitting a teenage boy.

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Those Rare People That Cross Paths With You

I guess that I have never had a real role model in either of my parents, nor did they show me how to live my life or what matters or not. I’ve learnt two things from in my childhood - how you don’t build a functioning family and that what you don’t make yourself, no one else will do for you. Which is not necessarily a good thing. Having that responsibility to find your way alone makes you look strong in people’s eyes but the truth is that the never-ending questioning whether you did it the right way is incredibly exhausting. While success is welcomed, I tend to be crushed by any failure twice as hard because I feel like it’s all my own fault. I should have known better than that.  That’s probably why I am always fascinated by my kind of people who have a clear idea of life, values and who are happy with their life. People who in my eyes made it. I am hungry for their words of advice. I want to learn from them how to be better when I can’t figure it out myself. Joey is one of these people. I met her by chance (as the most interesting things happen in our lives) when Branko sent me to the Old Ambulance Station in Nambour looking for work. I did not find work, but I found the head office for the cultural festival HORIZON. And that’s where I found Joey. Joey was born in Papua New Guinea and always wanted to do stories on its villagers. She was sent to Brisbane by her mother to get better education. She hated it. She studied Anthropology and Performing Arts instead. One day, she stumbled across a poster looking for French speaking actors hanging in the school corridor. She applied but since she did not speak any French, did not get the acting job. Instead, she became the assistant of the the French Director. They fell in love, she fell in love with performing arts, they had a baby and moved to Paris. She lived in Morocco (”You know, I got the itches”), she toured Africa performing while living there with her daughter. She had a second daughter with another performer. She moved from Europe back to Australia 1.5 years ago to be closer to her grandkids. She said she started from scratch. In her sixties, she lived in shared houses, she lived with family until she got sick of it and found her own place in Nambour. She teaches at USC and works as program manager at HORIZON (”People told me I should clean, I told them to fuck off. I love my trade, I love performing arts and working with community and that’s what I’ll do). I find it amazing that although she is Australian and an accomplished artist, she somehow encountered the same narrow-minded advise towards how you should live your immigrant life. Her house was very humble but felt more cozy than most of the homes I’ve seen. It reminded me of my friend’s studios. She has three rows of books lined up against the wall, numerous artifacts, lamps, perfumes, artworks and a giant vintage suitcase that she brought over from Paris. 

From the first moment I saw her, I knew that she was one of those people. People I will listen to carefully, because they understand me. They have the same approach to life - that it should not be a straight line with pre-designed timelines to fulfil. Joey walked me back to the train station. By foot, because neither of us can afford a car (”I want to buy a van, but that’s wishful thinking. I don’t have the money now.”). Both of us wore a black backpack that always makes me feel like a tourist and not very lady-like, longing for all my elegant clothes.  Yet here we are. Probably earning the same amount of money that barely covers the basic needs. A good thirty years between us. Thirty years that I am longing so much to spend in a meaningful way but don’t know if I’m on the right track. People would probably see Joey as a free spirit that did not succeed in having a stable, peaceful retirement. I see her as someone who I look upon to - her life reads like a book.      

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When you enter a yellow Queenslander house outside Nambour and you suddenly find yourself closer to home than you'd ever thought you would. This lady is one of us, weird artifacts & art collectors!

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Oh man. Here we go again.

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When you’re lazy and start complaining, you’re on your own

I was waiting for the bus 620. Never came, but 627 was waiting at the bus stop with its door wide open. The drives shouts at me “Hey young lady, where are you off to?”. I say: “Sunrise Beach but waiting for 620, I’m too tired to walk from where you stop.” He says I should hop in as the 620 is running late and he’s covering both routes in the most unlikely bus ride I have ever witnessed.  A few moments later with only me on the late evening bus he starts a conversation, or a “convo” as Australians would have it. He tells me a story how he met a young (and confused) Japanese girl that could hardly speak any English and couldn’t explain where she wants to go. She came to Australia thinking she would get a job in hospitality (yeah, right!) but ended up in a hostel being ripped off basically. He offered her to stay at his place for some days for free so she can find somehing else. A bus driver that she met by chance. Invited her to his home (with no side intentions). Then seeing she is really trying, he let her stay for a minimum rent until she gets back on her feet. He said: That’s Australia, mate. If you’re willing to tighten your belt and keep fighting, you’ll meet many kind people that will help you out for no obvious reasons. But mate, if you start complaining and not really give it a go, you’re on your own. Since I’ve been here, I was approached with the same sort of generosity and kindness that often left me wondering why the people do that for a girl they hardly know.

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Me as a ghost buster. When life gets hard you still need to be able to laugh at yourself.