hellofuckshit

[hellofuckshit]

All I want is for him to be here right now. I ache for his presence, we don't even have to talk. I literally yearn for him to be near me. Why is everything so complicated? Why is there this feeling in my heart, this fear that if I say how I truly feel everything will be ruined? there is an undeniable tension, everyone sees it. but what if he's just a stupid college boy? he might just like to act like that. every action I take from hereon feels wrong. he doesn't understand that I would probably do anything for him. I worry about him constantly. I just want him to be happy. I don't want to screw up our relationship with my own silly feelings. expressing how I feel is something I usually can avoid. it doesn't help that he sucks. but I would do outrageous things to even sit next to him. I just hate this middle ground. I know he doesn't feel the same. it breaks my heart. how do I move on from this without cutting him off? there isn't a way out.

I look back on my posts from 15 and take solace in the fact that I am a better person now. my life has improved dramatically, my sense of empathy and niceness has been restored and developed. my parents and I have a better relationship than I could've ever imagined. I think me moving out helped that even more. but, my boy problems are the same. my emotional maturity seems stagnant, I am still lusting over someone who will never feel the same. I still have obsessive crushes. I am too scared to combat this. "Whats the worst that could happen?" I lose my first real guy friend, someone I am comfortable with. my heart will literally break into two. I just am tired of pretending like I don't feel this way.

[hellofuckshit]

Detail of the Fire

by Richard Siken

A man with a bandage is in the middle of something. Everyone understands this. Everyone wants a battlefield.

Red. And a little more red.

Accidents never happen when the room is empty. Everyone understands this. Everyone needs a place.

People like to think war means something.

What can you learn from your opponent? More than you think. Who will master this love? Love might be the wrong word.

Let’s admit, without apology, what we do to each other. We know who our enemies are. We know.

[hellofuckshit]

Detail of the Fire

by Richard Siken

A man with a bandage is in the middle of something. Everyone understands this. Everyone wants a battlefield.

Red. And a little more red.

Accidents never happen when the room is empty. Everyone understands this. Everyone needs a place.

People like to think war means something.

What can you learn from your opponent? More than you think. Who will master this love? Love might be the wrong word.

Let’s admit, without apology, what we do to each other. We know who our enemies are. We know.

[hellofuckshit]

×××××× is right

You’re fat, nobody will ever love you if you stay like this. Your goal weight is ××× lbs, right? THEN DO SOMETHING FOR IT!

You don’t deserve happiness until then!

You don’t deserve cleansing until then!

You don’t deserve love until then!

You don’t deserve affection until then!

You know what you deserve right now?

You’re right, nothing! Hahaha.

Start losing weight and stop having for everything an apology. You should look at your face now.

No binge days, no cheat days, no candy, NOTHING.

[hellofuckshit]

omg this a full mess,,,, like bitch you were depressed if you couldn’t tell lmao

[hellofuckshit]

i want to give up

i’ve cried more than I can handle this week. my parents want me to talk to them, but its clear i am a burden on them. whenever i talk about it, i cry, and i feel better when emotions aren’t clogging my mind. staying in my room isolates my emotions and keeps them under wraps. things have escalated so much but maybe giving up will help me struggle less....i barely have motivation to do anything anymore. i realized today that i haven’t felt happiness in a while and that i have forgotten what it feels like, but maybe i deserve it. i have been so negative for a while now that it escalated into this and i think its karma. this is what was meant to happen to me. the world doesn’t owe me anything, and it sure as hell doesn’t owe me happiness.

[hellofuckshit]

its only wednesday and this week is already the worst.

sunday-my friend cut off our friendship, I felt destroyed. i feel like its all my fault. i stayed in bed all day working on my application and my mom yelled at me.

monday-i felt so empty, i worked out at least but i barely left my room. i had another mental breakdown.

tuesday-i promised to walk the dog but accidentally fell asleep while doing my math homework

wednesday-had a behind the wheel, fucked up endlessly on the way back and had a mini mental breakdown. my mom threatened moving, and i cried a lot. i took tests online and they said i have moderate-severe depression and moderate anxiety. i had multiple suicidal thoughts today, something is seriously wrong with me

[hellofuckshit]

its been a while.

i haven’t been feeling the motivation to write or do much of anything. i am gonna try to write more but i’m not gonna make any promises, because i’m a fuck up and something is seriously wrong with me.

[hellofuckshit]

stuck

I got into a big fight with my mom, she was sick and I didn’t take care of her. one reason, this isn't a valid excuse but I physically couldn't get out of bed that night. last week was really difficult for me mentally. my mom and my dad called me self absorbed, but what if I am depressed? when I really think about it, what if this whole time I'm just a sociopath? like I am void of emotion and I struggle with communication when it isn't with my close friends. these problems are driving my mom and i’s relationship apart, I sometimes just snap at her randomly when she's only nice to me. she's seeing a parenting counselor because of me. it sucks really bad because I try to be better, but I fuck it up every time. whenever I try to be nicer, the constant voices in my head hold me back. they tell me how no one will like me without my sarcastic and funny sense of humor. and I truly don't know if thats true or not. like, I don't open up to my friends because I think they wouldn't care. on Friday night I told some things and it didn't seem like they cared. tonight, my friends talked about their problems and I just listened. it was the perfect time to tell them about what I've been going through, and of course I held my tongue. when my mom and I made up, she said she talked to a therapist and she got one for me. it was said in a judgmental way, but I pushed that aside. what scares me is what if I go and talk to someone and they don't find anything wrong with me? like I was overreacting the whole time? I don't know, what I've noticed is that my sleep schedule is so fucked up (3 hours one night, then waking up and running late the next), my diet is so bad, I'm anxious all the time, I isolate myself, I snap at my family, I feel numb most days, idk what else but I haven't felt like myself in a while and I just wanna figure out why. I hate everything about myself, my face, my body, my personality, my mind, etc etc but I'm hoping my therapist can help. I'm tired of feeling like this and constantly isolating myself. 

[hellofuckshit]

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I got to leave school for the hockey game today, which was fun but took a turn when I saw him there, lets call him Alex. so Alex and I talked for a little bit the summer before freshman year. I was starting to develop feelings, then i said some stupid shit and it didn't end well. I feel so bad for what I said and when I saw Alex at the game I froze up. what made it worse is that we made eye contact several times, it was so awkward and I got super anxious. he wouldn't try anything because he has a girlfriend but I feel bad for what I said especially because he was nothing but nice to me. I always wonder why I have never had a boyfriend, maybe this is why ! I'm just a stupid ass bitch ! goodnight !

[hellofuckshit]

it was a good day today. I went to lunch with some friends that I really like. I worked out and I ate less, which was good, because I binged last night. I was home alone and so hungry. looking back on it now, I'm on my period so lets hope that was the main problem. 

tonight I tried on a dress that I got at a cheap Chinese wholesale store online. last year, it didn't fir and I couldn't zip up the zipper. tonight, it fit and I felt semi confident in it (still working on that). it made me realize that I can make myself more confident and work for it. I really want to feel better in my body, and tonight helped me realize that.

[hellofuckshit]

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just popping in here to say...I am so tired of going to school. my grades are lacking and I don't feel like working or doing anything anymore. I'm mentally exhausted and I need a break.

I started the After series on wattpad and I don't understand why it has one billion+ reads? I am having a really hard time reading it, its a little boring but I will probably finish it. its just SO fucking long, like ugh I'm taking a break from reading it I can't do it.

[hellofuckshit]

my second cousin transitioned I have met him pre transition once but I am so happy for him and I hope we meet again soon:)

[hellofuckshit]

crying for no reason but are we surprised

[hellofuckshit]

a whole ass man

[hellofuckshit]

i'm tired but that doesn't mean i'm gonna sleep

[hellofuckshit]

my “crush”

so this shit show started in fourth grade when I was placed in a class with both fourth and fifth graders. I met, lets call him Kyle in this class (he was a year older and friends with my older brother). i think I started to like him because he was like the second boy to actually pay attention to me, and maybe he wasn't, but I thought we would always flirt and he was super touchy. anyways, absolutely nothing happened because I'm ugly and he went to a different middle school than me. we didn't see each other for all of middle school and then freshman year came along. I kept him in the back of my head for a long time and seeing him again rekindled the feelings I had. the thing is, now that I think about it, I think this crush was built out of just wanting a boyfriend, I'm not gonna front. I saw him all the time in the hallways, and I would just stare. jesus I was so crazy, anyways when he would glance back my stomach would drop. I am a crazy bitch if no one knew already. anyways, Kyle didn't like me and i snapped him and basically started a fight. I accused him of liking one of my friends at the time, and he was super chill about it but I was psycho. then this year I texted him again and said “good job at your cc meet”. like bitch, he already be thinking you are crazy, come on, give it up. then my really close friend basically told him I liked him over text so now its really awkward. I don't like him anymore but in the hallways it is super awkward and we always make eye contact its absolutely horrible. so yeah, I've never had a boyfriend and at this point my crazy ass will never get one....

on the real tho, I think I need to learn to love myself before I love someone else. I know that sounds cliché but my life is one large cliche so.