hellolittlefoxie

[hellolittlefoxie]

With You - Part 1

Sometime in the early morning hours of December 31st, our first year together officially began. It was nothing extravagant, no flowers, no romantic dinner. It was just in the intimacy of sitting alone while the the city slept that it began.

Our first full day together was surprisingly casual, not to be surprised given the circumstances of the time but it was a day I cherish very much. Running errands, such as picking and dropping of your momma, a workout session along the Embarcadero, a meet up with a friend for dinner, and watching the city glisten from a new viewpoint as we brought the new year together in the calm and quiet of your living room, giving each other a smile as we looked out the window to your neighborhood. 

January

The first day of the new year was a bittersweet one. You took me to Chinatown, where you got me some hong kong milk tea, and some deliciously flaky egg tarts. And then drove me across the the bridge to show me Sausalito for the first time. Here I fell in love with the small town vibes, and serenity that came from viewing SF from the distance as the windows turned to gold while the sun set. But that night would be a lonely one as I had to say good bye to you a and drove down the darkness of the 5.

The 2nd adventure of the year took us to the legendary Bill Graham to see none other than your favorite trance DJ, with BJ and the rest of Norcal Anaho. A blurry night where we broke our necks you broke your neck as you complained about it for the rest of the weekend. Had some wonderful family time with Anaho as we did a photoshoot at an abandoned bunker, had dinner at my fave place in SF, San Tung, chilled at Amanda’s house, explored new areas of the city, and had one of the more memorable nights at Travelodge with our first wine and snack night. 

February

“Are we celebrating Valentine’s?” “No not really.” 

Was basically the gist of one of our conversations. But that weekend after Valentine’s  had us back together, me dressed up a little nicer than usual, and you glowing in your pretty gray dress, and coat, as we spent our first “non valentine’s day celebration” in the middle of downtown. A night where we explored LA’s downtown night life together for the first time, where I pointed to to you the Denny’s I went to after prom, a geography lesson on LA’s layout on top of a rotating bar. Then home to celebrate with some sparkly you had given me as part of my gift. Our cravings the next day took us to Koreatown for KBBQ, with Evelyn and Steven, the nicer side of Melrose for some disappointing milk tea from Alfred’s Teahouse, and a spontaneous double date with Jazz and Danny to some pizza diner in Hollywood. A little detour to Little Tokyo, and to find the instagram hotspot with the red and blue lights and our weekend came to an end as we waved good bye to each other as your bus pulled away taking a sleepy you back home.

March

After a commitment that was made at Snowglobe more than a year before, this was the month we traveled across the country to finally walk the fabled grounds of Ultra. The whole month was full of kandi making and anxious anticipation of what would it be like to finally be at the festival both of us had only been able to experience from livestreams, and youtube videos. Finally on the third weekend of March we saw each other at the airport with Ben and Amanda cockblocking my hug to you. Waking up at 5 in the morning that day felt like a distant memory as I had gone from LA to Austin to holding your hand in Miami after a 12+ hour trip. That night as it is the usual for Anaho to do after a long time apart had everyone talking loud, challenging each other to drink more shots, and of course the night wasn’t complete without a few people throwing up. The next three days had us jumping up and down to Tiesto, vibing to Kaskade, getting wild for kayzo and being had us in awe at the reunion of SHM, and every night had us wandering through downtown Miami as we raced everyone else back to the airbnb to see who would be able to shower first. Dressing up as Jasmine and Aladdin, having matching outfits with your silver top and my gray camo for day two, munching on some expensive festival food, getting lost in the crowd of internationals while you held my hand, downed at least three red bulls a day, and I couldn’t have asked for a better rave bae or better way to experience Ultra. 

April

A few weeks back you had asked me if I wanted to go with you to the the AKPsi formal, not wanting to miss out on this I excitedly said yes, that weekend in April I flew in late in the afternoon where you drove us down to the outdoor shopping mall in San Jose, after not being able to go to the rooftop bar you initially wanted to take me to, we ended up at a different bar, you seemed flustered at that but it’s okay because we still had a great time, especially after a seafood dinner, and some ice cream. A boba pitstop later and our second road trip began we made our way to our hotel in the good ol’ Central Valley. Two hours of your Merced playlist, and singing our hearts out to some throwback songs, and before we knew it we were checking in and drinking wine at our surprisingly nice hotel, too bad for the squeaky bed though. The next day we found ourselves in Merced, a coffee shop and a creepy antique store later and we found ourselves at the banquet hall where I started to meet some of your Merced fam. We helped out for a while and realized how much it felt like college, helping out and setting up for a banquet, and it brought back good memories. After saying bye to my new friends we headed out to explore the bustling metropolis that Merced is, you were the boss and tour guide here as you showed me around telling me stories of where you would go hang out, where you used to run, your old apartments and every now and then I would interject telling you “HEY I’VE BEEN HERE TOO!” It was great hearing your stories from college and made it easier to imagine 2011-2015 Tiff and all the wonderful memories you made there. After a Tacobell snack at the park we went on to your little’s house to prepare for the banquet. The rest of night consisted of me admiring you in your little black dress, and hearing other people rave about how good you looked as well, seeing you with your line, and your fraternity and people saying, “I’ve heard so much about you!” Was heartwarming as we ate and danced for a bit at the banquet. However the real party would be afterwards and it felt like I was transported back to my college days as we stripped down to comfier and more fitting house party clothes. The pregame began, and the warmth from the alcohol went hand in hand with the warm night in Merced. It was amusing to see how our night unraveled as we snuck in the back of the house to avoid bouncers into a dark and humid room with a bunch of dabs grinding and dudes being bros. Then as soon as the alcohol ran out, we jumped over to the next party, until the college drama started and we ended walking out and back through the neighborhood to our pregame spot. A few shots later, and a few lines as well and everyone was having a great time with both new and old friends. After a the cops showing up, and people knocking out or being too drunk the party started to dwindle down and we found ourselves on the couch you and your hot pocket, and me in tears about how much I love you. After waking up and getting ready a quick photoshoot with my film camera and we found ourselves on campus for your little’s grad shoot. Some quick thai food after and a couple of good byes to both your littles we were back on the road to the bay. Our April weekend coming to an end up on the hills of Berkeley, with the sunset and some “vegan pizza.”

May

The first half of May, you found yourself halfway across the world, exploring the old continent. Your two week cruise vacation across Europe would bring you to Denmark, Norway, Germany, Estonia, Russia, Finland, and Sweden. You explored new and old cities, and we would be in touch sparingly as you were in and out of wifi connection, we would webcam at odd hours, but either way it made me happy you were back in Europe because you speak so fondly of it. And despite not having a good connection you still managed to send me constant videos, pics, and updates while I was sleeping or in class, and it made me excited to be able to webcam you even if it was for like 5 minutes. Once you were back in the States, it was a struggle for a couple days for you to make it past 8 without knocking out whenever we would webcam.

The second half of the month was filled with many adventures as we saw each other not once but twice! In a weekend full of firsts I can’t help but highlight how amazing it was to experience camping with you in such a picturesque part of California, the visuals in your car and just melting in your seat as the music took us to a different dimension, and then the journey through middle earth that we undertook while on shrooms, even though we probably only walked like 100 yards in real life, dying at Jared’s exaggeration of “Car… Car… Car…” and Steven’s “IT’S A MILLION MILES AWAY.” And then our intimate bath experience under a sky full of stars and the waves crashing beneath us was truly a magical moment. Showering naked in public and smelling the earthy body wash and looking over the darkness is something I will hold onto because it was such a unique experience. And coming back to cuddle in the tent until it was time for us to leave and do another mini road trip. A drive that took us to the little underwhelming McWay Falls, Sharkfin Cove, Carmel, Santa Cruz there’s nothing better than driving back to SF jamming out to Christian music. This time our good bye didn’t feel too sad because we would be seeing each other the weekend after.

The last weekend of May was wild as all of Norcal came down to “surprise” Ben for his birthday. Even though the surprise failed it was still a great way to show our best friend how much we appreciate him as we got lit to wine, met and fed a few friendly floofs, and rented out an Airbnb to continue the party for the rest of the weekend. Four full days of you and I was feeling quite spoiled. My favorite memories from that weekend were exploring the south side of OC, and playing spikeball as the sunset, all the cuddle sessions of sleeping for four nights together, letting you drive Aria down to our airbnb as I DJ’ed, and feeling like our time together was never going to end, playing table tennis, and basketball with you , and having the opportunity to share so many different plates of food with you everywhere we went.

June started off great as well as I saw you for the third consecutive week, this time you decided to pull of an Illenium like I had done last year and had decided to surprise me to go see my favorite dubstep DJ, MaRLo, at the almost legendary Exchange. We decided to surprise the trance fam squad after getting some dranks up somewhere in the LA skyline and then going back to the car so you could change and we could pregame a little more, and I remember that while Char spazzed out over you, some people weren’t that happy to see you *cough.* And even though our time this weekend was short lived I am grateful that you were so down to do something like that for me.

Our first official summer get together was coming up to see you! My first time at Temple, and to top it off having a table with bottle service, seeing Jazz get litty like we hadn’t seen, and then singing Cinema with Steven as lit you got the better of me and we ended up having an argument outside El Faro. A little funny now that I think about it, but like every other argument before this it always ends on a positive note with one of us seeing the mistake in their reasoning, apologizing or compromising and learning from our mistakes, a walk through the hood, and we found ourselves back at Evelyn’s where you accidentally stayed the night by knocking out on the couch after stuffing our faces on El Faro burritos. I remember the day after was a really warm one as we wandered the Castro to Dolores park a little high on brownies. Thinking how great it was to experience one of SF’s unique festivals with you and some matcha ice cream from your favorite spot. The day after was probably one of favorites too as we walked around the main parade but had to end the day early because Bryan had to leave early. But this didn’t stop us from coming back to the celebrations, except this time we had some fizzy Rosé to accompany us as we walked back to Civic Center where the main event was taking place. Taking in the atmosphere of such an event and having you there to talk about which one us would make it to 90K first made my flight down a happy one, as I reminisced about you, the cherry cooler we bought later on, our time in the backseat next to the park, and the delicious lasagna.

[hellolittlefoxie]

see you soon, my little foxie

This was our first week together and it was gr9! How lucky I am to have someone who’d accommodate my crazy measures to stay at my place, but through it all, we got a taste of how living together would be - a taste of doing casual things like grocery shopping, getting beers after work, waking up together, spontaneously deciding to go to OSL, and even arguing. We saw parts of each other we didn’t see before. To be honest, it’s daunting knowing that long distance relationships can’t and won’t show you all of the other person and how you may interact with the other person, it can’t account for things like decision making together, actual tolerance or raw emotions. A lot of firsts this past week; we have a lot to work on and learn about each other still. What I do know though is that I loved having you and wouldn’t mind doing it all over again. 

I loved playing hooski and foxie with you randomly and laughing at and with ourselves over things nobody else knows about, like missing the trailhead while we were looking at a subie. I loved backing into you in the mornings and resting on your chest whenever I wanted. I loved exploring new places for us both and making conversation with each other and new friends. I loved eating dinner and watching netflix with you while we sat on my bedroom floor like college students and reaching a new level of arguing. I loved exploring cities with no direction & hanging out with other couples casually.

Thank you bebz for all the adventures, cuddling me, playing boardgames with me, hanging out with vernon, being the best fur daddy there is, running & sneaking around the house, holding my hand around outsidelands, all the foods and drinks, and ultimately all the memories. I can’t wait to see you next weekend, I love you so much & happy date-talking anniversary, mi amor. 

[hellolittlefoxie]

[hellolittlefoxie]

'cause you got me dreamin'

[hellolittlefoxie]

Rosé in a bottle

I couldn’t help but keep thinking about one of my favorite moments this past weekend. It honestly warms my soul thinking about it and what it means to me. 

.

.

.

The dull pain in my finger from trying unsuccessfully to open up a bottle with another bottle faded away as we poured the rosé into the aloe bottle, the pink of the liquid and the green of the plastic made it look like some terrible concoction that looked a lot worse than it actually was. I was already imagining the, “Don’t be a little bitch,” from one of us if we didn’t finish the bottle. After pouring three glasses in and deciding it was good enough we headed towards Civic Center. Your hand in mine, and a bottle of fizzy wine in the other, we walked through a mixed neighborhood, I still couldn’t make out if it was a nice neighborhood, or one where I should’ve kept a better eye on my wallet, and an even better eye on you, but the weird juxtaposition of things in SF just made me appreciate the walk for what it was. A casual stroll through SF with none other than my best friend and the love of my life. 

My heart was already fluttering just from thinking about how much fun our time at Safeway, trying to decide what to drink, and whether price or alcohol concentration was better. In the end I think alcohol content beat out the rest, and maybe my preference for fruity tasting wine also playing a factor in our decision. 

The walk to the parade shifted from heavy sexual tension and bedroom eyes, to cheesy laughter and random tangents and no matter what the mood was, everything felt so natural and so effortless. As the bottle emptied, and the booms from the festival got louder that familiar pre-rave anxiety started creeping up. I could feel myself feeling warmer and the butterflies in me fluttering a little more madly I couldn’t help but fall in love with the atmosphere of being at an event such as Pride, just because it was so unlike anything I’ve been too. Fast forward through security, catching glimpses of bare tits, and asscheeks, as well as families with children in hand, then getting a little more lit with a spiked cherry cooler, we found ourselves standing in the middle of the crowd. 

The sun shining through an overcast sky, City Hall shining with all the colors (of the wind jk) the rainbow, and Kehlani mumbling things in the background, one of the most poignant moments of the weekend for me was just looking at you and falling for you even more as we talked about our careers, housing costs, salaries and placing a bet on who would be the first to 90K. Here in this moment I couldn’t help but just look at you with admiration, and probably a goofy smile plastered across my face as I realized how thankful i am for you, and what you bring to this relationship and what you aspire us to be. I’ve never met someone who made me want to be the best version of me as much as you do, and the best part is, you don’t want it so you can get something out of it or because you want the best version of me for yourself. You simply want what’s best for me. Period. And what you made me feel throughout that whole time at Pride and any other time I’m with you whether it’s talking at 3AM on webcam, stumbling across the Vegas strip with Wasted playing in the background, or laying quietly in bed next to each other is indescribable. The closest thing I can think of that will do it justice is this is what love feels like at the deepest level of it’s meaning. This is no high school puppy love, nor is it some infatuation, or honeymoon type of love. This is it the type of love people yearn for and write books and movies about, and even then they fall flat to the reality I’m living. So damn do I feel lucky to experience it with someone like you. 

And here I am finishing up this post as you furiously scribble away at your journal, and still I can’t help but say, I love you so much, you beautiful soul.

[hellolittlefoxie]

Good morning, beautiful! Today is finally the day! Sorry there isn’t a drawing or written note today, but there’s not enough room to fit all I want to write in there. And even though it’s probably the least exciting day since you’re gonna be stuck on a plane for most of the time, the thought of the adventure that lies ahead of you should hopefully make it bearable! And if you fall asleep, I hope you don’t miss the meals or drinks on the ride there because I know you’re a fatty.

Seeing as you just got a journal, and also because I’m curious here’s a few questions you can answer in it! It’d be cool to see your answers to some of these now and how they change at the end of your trip.

What countries/cities are you most excited to see! And why! Rank them in order!

Would you have preferred to travel a different way instead of a cruise?

What’s the most exciting thing about being on a cruise?

What was the most stressful thing about planning this trip?

Is there anything that scares you/worries you about this trip?

If you could add one more country to the ones you’re already visiting which one would you add?

Which place has the friendliest people?

Which country has the best food?

What is your idea of the perfect travel experience?

Would you rather have a go with the flow plan or a strict schedule?

If you weren’t traveling with your family would you do anything differently?

Would you rather do a lot of smaller trips or one big vacation trip a year?

Did you make sure to wash your hands and clear the area of food to avoid grease stains?

Aaaaaand I don’t know what else to ask... Obviously you don’t have to answer all of these and some of these questions might be lame but I thought it’d be cool to get your writing juices going, you can add your own questions and maybe I’ll add more too if I think of any.

These next two weeks are gonna be drastically different for the both of us so I’m curious to see how I cope with not being able to webcam you at night or talk to you throughout the day. Also gonna have to go two weeks without being able to have fun with you at night (if ya know what I mean), or watching sense8 (how am I ever gonna survive). Okay, back to being cheesy and unoriginal, but I really do hope you have an amazing trip! Please be safe, get some fire af travel pics, and please remember the things you do, the things you feel, what you think about, what surprises you, what disappoints you, and everything else so you can tell me about it later. For now though, I shall keep daydreaming about the day we can travel the world together. <3

I love you!

[hellolittlefoxie]

Hey bebz <3

If you’re reading this you’re probably in my room, and about to stuff your face with one of those hot dog cheese buns from 85 degrees. If you’re wondering what I was out doing today, that was one of the things I was getting, as well as the flowers which come with a funny story, but I can tell you about that in a bit. But hope you enjoy your hot dog bun!

First off though, I have to say that I am so, so, so thankful you found a way to come down this weekend, because honestly not knowing when else I would see you before Ultra was killing me inside. To the point where I wouldn’t have minded visiting you back in the bay, but fortunately you kept my head straight and told me to save my money. Thank you for talking to your momma, and thank you for sacrificing a weekend with family for me.

As I write this I’m only imagining how I’ll be feeling having you here in my arms, where I’m able to hug you, caress your skin, kiss your lips, and have your scent send me into a reverie. A reverie that will last me all weekend, and one that keeps going even when you’re 380 miles away. I still find it hard to believe I’m lucky enough to call you mine, and I’m more than grateful that you’ve come to love me with all that I am, flaws and all.

This post isn’t much but I hope you’re ready for a weekend full of moolik, doonte, and troi, vlogs, cuddlepis, adventures in LA, and hand holding and most importantly eating good food hehe

I love you! And I can’t wait to make more memories with you!

[hellolittlefoxie]

The little things

When you first came down to LA during labor day weekend just that whole time during our date there were sooo many things that just pulled at my heartstrings to the point where I was like this you can’t be real, like there’s no way this is real life.

And one of those moments was when we were walking through downtown. I’m choosing this moment right now just because of it’s simplicity. It was after the last bookstore and we were walking up the street. It was gloomy, and it was humid and it it started to sprinkle a little bit. And out of nowhere you were just like “I love this. You don’t get this up in SF, the architecture here, and the small details they put in these buildings and the combination of new and old...” and you trailed off seemingly overwhelmed by just exploring a new city.

I looked at you in your pretty blue flowery dress, with your camera strapped on, and you pulled your hair back behind your ear and I was just breath taken. Like this was you, who had travelled all over the world, being overwhelmed at some ordinary street in the middle of downtown, and it just made me appreciate you for making me appreciate the little things and the details you were talking about up in the buildings and the surroundings. And I was just thinking how you made the ordinary so extraordinary as cheesy as that sounds, it’s so true. And I  looked at you again and the only thought running through my mind after that was wow...

[hellolittlefoxie]

I sat in the car and check the time, it was only nine thirty in the morning.

So early, I thought to myself.

I guess when you’re so excited to see someone you just can’t help but get ready early, and leave early just in case there’s traffic, or something goes wrong along the way, but this was a little too early.

How long am I gonna wait here for if they’re going to Porto’s. I guess I can nap. Or even better yet, just gonna enjoy this cloud porn.

I sat in silence for a bit before I got your message, rip nvm they just told me they got a table for dimsum.

Wao, what luck, I guess I don’t have to wait that long. Guess I’ll go roam around then.

After a quick detour to grab some lemon tea with lots of stares and awkward smiles, I found myself standing about five inches above the next tallest person in the lobby.

Some more stares and awkward smiles ensue.

Until finally I’m met with smile that wasn’t awkward but comforting instead. A quick hug and I fall in line right behind you as you guide me through the restaurant, to sit at a table with mountain views and everything but a few bites of dum sum left.

It suddenly felt stuffy and suffocating in the room. Greeting everyone at the table, and taking a seat next to you. I don’t mind meeting new people but I’ve never been one to be in a situation of meeting family members. Usually because I’m always kept a secret from family or kept to a minimum of “Hello,” “Good bye,” and “Thank you for having me.” I could already tell you were on edge and it only made me more self conscious. I can take full responsibility for fucking up, but in my defense I did offer to share twice and you didn’t answer. But still I apologize for my outspokenness, just bare with me as I try to adjust to this new situation.

Standing outside though was a relief and I felt more at ease talking to everyone. Still amused by the family dynamics of having so many cousins who are older than you. And after a few hugs and handshakes good bye, I really hope you get to hang out more with your family, they all seem like wonderful people.

My day finally began with you as we drove to Pasadena, a few remarks on our past week and a talk about what had been bothering me. I honestly didn’t want to talk about it because I felt so petty letting something bother me so much, but honestly I felt like a burden to you the day before and the few hours before seeing you. Hearing you talk about how you don’t hang out with your cousins, or Brandon, or Aaron enough, made me feel selfish for just wanting you the whole day and hearing you make plan after plan just made me frustrated that 1. I wasn’t going to be able to have you to myself 2. I was getting in your way of making the best of this weekend. But I’m glad I told you through broken thoughts, and sentences because even I was just trying to understand myself, and I promised myself I would work on talking to you about the small things like that because I have a bad habit of internalizing things and letting them grow inside until they become twisted and ugly. But you reassured me that it wasn’t the case and it was just my negative thoughts. You gave me a smile and squeezed my hand and everything was okay again.

We walked though Old Town, with your hand in mine.

I love how small my hand feels in your.

It was a small comment but it stuck with me as we walked through the store with glass trees, and cinnamon laden candles and through the rest of our walk as we admired old Tower of Terror looking apartment buildings and drooled over garlic cheese bread which you didn’t even get to eat later.

As we drove through San Marino, a neighborhood you’re probably getting very familiar with, it hit me as we drove through the fall painted trees, and silver white clouds above that having you back in LA felt a little to unreal. Everything seemed so perfect, like a picture I didn’t want to stop staring at in fear that if I blinked the moment would be gone

I think about you.

You think about me too.

It was probably the 17th time we listened to the song, but it’s just that type of song you want beamed into your brain because it’s so good, something about the lyrics plays with your heartstrings and you can’t get enough something playing with your emotions that way.

We then found ourselves sinking into a couch that’s definitely seen some better days, but the fact that we were ten feet deep into it added more charm to our conversation of your architecture course and how you pay extra attention to how things are laid out and how FTB (fuq dat bish) isn’t your typical boba shop, how you can actually adjust your sweetness (I’ll take the L this time, sorry again), and how Wong Fu does a lot of their shoots here. My taste buds were happy, my stomach was full, and my nose was runny from the popcorn chicken so we then decided to keep our day going driving back home, over the mountains, onto Mountain Ave to deliver some baked goods from you to my parents. A happy reunion with awoos, and barks filling the air coming from my parents, us, and the doggos outside. A chill session in my room filled with kisses here and there to heighten the tension, a head bang session to seven lions and a very special plur from you and I could barely contain how happy I was to just have you chilling here in my room sharing stories about my trophies with no big plans or anything in mind. Just us two enjoying the moment and whatever it brought.

After some failed dog training and a shot put contest it was finally some alone time with you, a semi turned up speaker to hide the bed squeaks and bedroom noises, with a little help of the most aesthetically pleasing lighting and sunset and it was an intimate session straight out of a fanfiction, with the lighting and blinds leaving tiger patterns on our skins and the setting sun filling the room with the softest of lightings until we found ourselves laying in the dark holding each other underneath the blanket.

I love you.

I love you too.

It’s the quiet moments like this that leave you thinking how love isn’t always the fast beating, pupil dilating fervor people always write about. It’s these moments that make you realize love is a decision. A decision to love the person for all that they are, for all their flaws, their vulnerabilities, for their passion, dreams, and everything else. I laid there feeling your warmth, your skin, your hair next to me and I thought to myself, this was an easy choice to make.

It seemed like the universe was once again smiling down upon us later that night as Freefall played in perfect sync as we rounded the corner and the downtown skyline filled the horizon. Seeing the skyline at night always manages to hype me up and this time I really had to remind myself to breathe as we rushed to make the closing time to get some dessert from some hole in the wall bakery.

Stressing to find parking, and sprinting all out to make it right as they were packing up to taste some way too sweet pastries but one of the most refreshing new drinks I’ve tried in a while was well worth the rush. But again, anything small with you is great and as we walked back to the car I started missing you even more than I already was even though we still had a couple more hours left together. But I wasn’t gonna let my sadness make this moment bittersweet so onto The Chandelier Tree we went. I told you my story about always running by it and never knowing it was there, and even after visiting it for the first time once I was in college it never really left much of an impression to me, but seeing you standing in front of the coin machine (that somehow also takes card) and seeing you send pics to your mom about this random quirk in LA and all of a sudden a new memory is made, and something that I easily overlooked before takes on new meaning. Taking failed selfies, trying to find the perfect angle for your potato of a phone, having a stranger ask us and no one else to take a pic of us and it’s like this tree in LA was suddenly my favorite spot.

But my favorite spot in LA kept changing that night because it turns out my favorite spot that night was wherever we happened to be. As Said the Sky underwhelmed us, we let the city lights pick us back up, going out of the way to find a lit up house, and being extra af just so we could pretend to be bougie and window shop Rodeo Dr. Giving you the grand tour of Sunset, Beverly Hills, and taking you a new way to the airport before letting our night end as it has before. With a prolonged hug, a kiss good bye, and another bittersweet I love you in terminal 6. I couldn’t help but patiently wait to be able to see you for as long as I can before you truly disappear until next time. Another lonely drive home, and it’s another countdown until the next time I see you.

14 more lunches.

[hellolittlefoxie]

Another seemingly unreal weekend.

To begin with, the drive up was completely surreal, driving through the burnt mountains in La Cañada, heading into the mist of Angeles National Forest, watching the sun set over the Central Valley, to finally seeing the glittering lights of San Francisco. I’ve done the drive plenty of times before, but never like this. Never by myself. Just me, my thoughts, a playlist of songs that just made me want to hold your hand while I drove (with the occasional banger to keep myself up) and a heart that was bursting with excitement to see you. Who would’ve thought a day that started with three hours of traffic and a missed flight, would’ve ended up with you in my arms.

Finally pulling up to Amanda’s house, seeing Ben and Amanda, greeting them and then just waiting for you to get there was so exciting. Then Amanda telling me to go get the door once you messaged her got me all hyped up, but  I had to play it off and be try to keep it cool. But obviously once I saw you all that cool went out the window.

A full stomach later (thank you for feeding me btw) and one more episode of Rick n Morty, and it was time for you to say bye. We stood outside, happy that we finally got a little more privacy holding each other in the chilly SF air. What a short reunion. A teaser for the heart. A few kisses and an “I’ll see you soon,” and it was off to dreamland for me soon after.

Fast forward through a nap, breakfast with old people at denny’s, a gas run, playing tourist by myself, and a lunch and a gym session with Ben and it was finally time to pick you up. Just like a month before when you picked me up from work, it was my turn to do it for you. And just like back then it started off with a running hug. It’s kind of crazy to think it’s only been a month and a half since Pismo, and there we were on the way to meet your parents. I was honestly pretty excited to meet them, I was going to finally meet the people responsible for creating a lovely human being. But before that, some quick alone time with you in your room.

The next few interactions with your parents were straight out of a sitcom, including getting stuck in the garage with your dad (I hope he’s enjoying his new TV). Getting into the car with your mom, you saying “Ask him! He’s right there.”  Walking into the store carrying Oreo and saying hello to your dad and just standing there as he negotiated with the sales person, until finally driving back to your place to wait for the guys.

Then back to your room, you bent over the desk and our reflections in the mirror. Having to stop once again from a message reminding us we should’ve been getting ready for the night. I remember sitting in your room watching you get put on your outfit and makeup, still dazed at the fact that I was there, and you were real. If it weren’t for Oreo wanting to play with me I don’t think I would’ve snapped out of my reverie until you realized I was blankly smiling at nothing.

The rest was honestly a blur, running from liquor store to liquor store, holding your hand in the backseat. Smelling your perfume as I leaned in close, and having the scent linger even when you weren’t near. Drinks at the club and a few lyrics How did it end up like this?? It was only a kiss... Resonated a bit with me. Then the night went from being tipsy and fired up at Halal Guys, getting hiccups from that stupid good hot sauce, to a cold and sober one. The wind at the dock, the bay bridge and skyline and a moment of reflection for both you and me. The rest was a quite night, which ended with tears down your cheeks, and a helpless me trying to reassure you somehow, with whatever words I thought would help stop them. A kiss on the forehead good night, and off to the car with the only comfort I’d be feeling for the night, your blanket. I was honestly thankful I was so tired because I fell asleep faster than I do on my bed, but if I hadn’t I would’ve probably stayed up all night just thinking about your tears.

Your tapping on the window the next morning messed me up. I woke up thinking why am I in a car, and why was I in this random neighborhood. Only to realize what had happened and how I decided to just sleep in the car instead of bothering Ben and Amanda so late. The rest of the day was honestly one of my favorites with you. Getting brunch, realizing we always order way to much food. Holding your hand while we drove around, finding out how exciting walking through a grocery store is while I’m with you. Taking a “nap” with you at Amanda’s, while they were upstairs and just letting my hands roam over your body. Then our cute AF triple ice cream date where we both fed each other and tried to keep each other clean by wiping the ice cream or cinnamon powder from our mouths and nose. (Gawd I want some ice cream) And then just lounging in the living room. Finding out more about you, like the type of shoots you want to do from all the Insta pics you showed me, and your story on cigarettes and you getting over them because you wanted to get your open water lifeguard certification, as we ate our nachos and drank horchata, made me realize just how great things are when you’re not trying to plan a date, or frantically looking for stuff to do. It was an extraordinarily ordinary day, but it was honestly the best.

Then as the sun set and the wind pick up and the city lights burned to life, I just remember holding you even closer underneath the blanket, then the night grow darker and our bodies closer in the car, even with creepers around, and then it was finally the time to say our farewells. Some one hundred good bye kisses later and then another good bye kiss session after you came down the stairs one more time, and all I could think of was how thankful I was to have another weekend with you. And as you’ve heard me say many times now, that was probably the loneliest and most miserable car drive ever, but completely worth the 8 hours and four nap stops, because honestly you make me so happy.

[hellolittlefoxie]

what a weekend.

i’m sorry it took me a while longer to sort out my thoughts.

this past weekend was a dream. but honestly, it feels like that everytime we’re together. from walking to lake tahoe, talking in your car at pismo beach, taking you to work at 5am, and now, spending this past weekend with you. how we explored downtown, climbed a fire escape, and gazed out at the city lights made it probably the best first date i have ever been on. in the past dates i’ve been on, it was like we had a set schedule for everything, set lunch, set time frame for whatever we were doing, set dinner place and time, etc. those were fun, but i thoroughly enjoyed exploring our more carefree sides with you. you, as a person, surprise me and it makes me really happy to have found someone who’s just as happy to do things as simple as what we did with me.

overtime, i’ve put up walls and grown pretty numb to all of this so i haven’t thought about another guy like i have with you for about two years. not from pain and heartbreak, but from learning i should never need someone and don’t want to be dependent on another person again. and yet i find myself easing into you.

you asked me, “how?” and “why me?” and i think one of the my favorite things about us is our slight but apparent differences despite all our similarities. i blows my mind how similar we are, from our history to our favorite foods, but still so unique in our own ways. it feels like we won’t lose sight of ourselves by being together - we’re not similar or weak enough to become the same person, but enough to learn from each other & make it work (hopefully). idk if that makes sense.

your ability to get along with whoever we meet - how i could meet people and have someone that doesn’t just follow me around feels so damn good and reassuring. you’re adaptive and able to attune to our environment with me. it’s one of the things that really set you apart from the others.

your determination - not in pursuing me, but in what you like and don’t like, both in a significant other and in life. feels like you found yourself before we became a thing, even though you may not have cause i honestly haven’t, but it doesn’t feel like a fling or test run with you. (i actually really, really appreciate that you weren’t full throttle in making me yours too. there’s a story there for another time.)

your personality - your excitement, your emotions, your open mind, your willingness to try new things. it makes me want to take you everywhere.  all of it is so refreshing.

last but not least, you - your skin, your touch, your scent, your tongue. everything about you, i want more of & i just can’t wait to be in your arms again.

i told you before that loving someone is a choice, and i think i’ve already chosen to. but i’ve got to keep fighting my urges to tell you those three words, because you’re right, i do love really easily. but when i tell you that i love you, i want it to be coming from the me that is in love with you. i don’t want to love you for how you make me feel or how i feel when i’m with you. rather, i want to love you for what and who you are as a person, as a soul. i want to dive into all that is you the shallow sides, the chill sides, the deep dark sides of you that no one has ever reached before. i know i sound like i’m deep in, but we’ve got a long way to go. and i couldn’t be more excited to see where this keeps taking us.

i could definitely grow to love you like that though <3

[hellolittlefoxie]

We drove down the street as the city lights flickered right past, they probably looked a little more bright and a little more radiant to you and your inebriated self. After all it was a new city for you, and everything new always looks a little more shiny, right?

I looked at you and smiled, trying to remember a hazy dinner with two complete strangers, asking myself how that even happened.

The answer was clear though, it was all because of you.

Remembering the kisses snuck in between bites, and conversation pauses. Remembering the sky turning purple and pink over the skyline. Remembering hearing Silhouette and seeing your eyes light up. Remembering taking tequila shots. And just remembering the way you interacted and easily steered the conversation with strangers who ended up turning into friends by the end of the night was something else. Something new to me, and something I admire about you. Your ability to just love life and love the things that come with it.

We listened to a few songs, talked about dinner, and then you asked, “how long does it take for you to love someone?”

To which I hope you remember what the answer to that was. But this post isn’t about that, it’s about you and what I think your type of loving is.

The answer was pretty simple.

You fall in love with people, and places easily. But in order to keep your love these people, and these places need something special.

That’s probably the best way to describe your loving after all our late night conversations, and after experiencing first hand your love for meeting people and exploring everything around you. And hearing myself say that out loud made me a little anxious. The funny thing is, I would normally keep that to myself, just because I don’t like revealing my vulnerable side, people always find a way to take advantage of it. But I guess there’s just something about you that makes it easy for me to talk, and I made sure you knew how falling for you was scary. But at that moment you gripped my hand a little tighter, and you kissed my hand, and then I kissed yours, and everything was okay. All I could think of after was that my growing fondness for you, and my growing urge to say those three words supersedes any fear.

I’ll just leave you with a thank you for being you, and for making my weekend so special. You really are a lovely person.

#cheeze4dayz

[hellolittlefoxie]

Will you still be nervous next time?

You asked, and all I could think of was about that one time I wrote, “Damn girl, are you the sun? Because I have a hard time looking at you and you make me sweat a lot.”

Because honestly that’s how I felt Saturday night, or Sunday morning, whatever you wanna call it. As everyone started to look for a place to fall asleep in, I paced back and forth between rooms trying to avoid looking at you because it was making me nervous. I know I wanted to talk to you, and do round two of our late night walks, but I just couldn’t. Like you said, talking over IM and talking in real life can be so different, so I just dreaded the thought of not being able to carry a conversation considering how self aware I was, how tired I felt, and how warm the alcohol was making me feel, or I’d like to think it was the alcohol that was making me feel all hot and flushed in the cheeks but it also could’ve been something else. Who knows.

Then came the messages.

You ain’t down

Let’s go then

I went ousside, you didn’t come

You didn’t come when I went

Funny how we we’re both on the same page, expecting the other person to follow, but our times were just a little off this time. Fast forward a few hours later, and at this point I can honestly say I’m happy we both went through with it. Not gonna lie, my eyes were killing me and my brain was telling me to just knock the fuck out, but your company and the comfort you brought as we went through the night talking about our siblings, our dimples, spazzing about our birthdays, and wondering if your gonna look like a  po po (idk how to spell it out) when you’re older, made me wish I had more time to just stay up with you.

Honestly I don’t even remember falling asleep, but I’m sure we fell asleep at the same time. Sorry the seats weren’t comfortable and if you’re all sore from sleeping in a weird position but hopefully more nights like these are in the works, if you’re down though, if ya know what I mean. *insert smug emoji here*

P.S. Next time you have to give me pets.

[hellolittlefoxie]

Lake Shores

It was close to 4am, and the alcohol was still playing games with my balance and humor. I had to go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Because if I fell asleep I knew I wouldn’t survive waking up.

“I’m gonna go for a walk.”

“Wait really?”

“Yeah, dude. If I sleep now I’m probably gonna end up on the toilet.”

“Lemme come with. We can hit up the RV!”

“Would they even be awake?”

“We can check.” She smirked.

The two of us, gracefully threw our boots and jackets. As graceful as you could be after at least 10 shots of vodka and some wine. And also jager bombs. And three beers for me.

“We’ll be back.”

The cold hit me like a wall, and made my nose hurt. But it was nice nevertheless. My breath swirled in wispy smoke clouds as she led the way to the RV.

A bang on the window. A bang on the door.

“Bro, you’re gonna wake everyone up.”

“Nah, they’re probably awake.”

The door opens and we’re greeted by a white dude, a white couple on the bed, with the girl basically naked, and another sleeping couple. The conversation goes quick. A few laughs, and a few quirky remarks. We say our goodbyes and close the door behind us.

“That was normal,” I say.

“YUP!”

“I’m gonna walk to the lake. You’re not down.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“Okay.”

We make our way down the street. It’s a straight shot to the lake from the apartment. The funny thing is at this point I didn’t feel cold at all. Well, actually, I’d be lying. My face was freezing, the wind bit at my calves, and my hands were numb. But I was warm.

It was probably the alcohol.

Or maybe it was because it was close to 5 in the morning and the girl who had consumed my thoughts since that drunken endeavor in Napa was walking right next to me.

“I need to pee.” She says.

I simply reply, “Just go in the bushes, no one is around.”

“Fuck. No. Really?” “Okay. Hold up.” “I don’t have any paper though.”

“I have a receipt, and a few movie tickets?” I laugh.

She actually takes them and runs off into the dark side of the street.

At this point I’m just like, might as well take a piss too, and mark that stop sign. I think to myself, wow, this is actually fun, I wonder if this is how Malik feels when he takes a piss on everything. I kind of get him now. She walks back and I just tell her to stay away from me, since I needed to concentrate on finishing my business.

Another block into the darkness and I’m just still slightly in shock. Maybe I was just really drunk and delusional, and I was imagining this. But no, it was real. We made it to the lake and gazed into the darkness. The wind was fiercer at the shore and we didn’t last long before turning back. But it was just her and I. The water and the stars. Her eyes, her laugh, and her soul in front of me.

We walked another block. This time in the direction we had come in. By this time, I knew about her car, a little bit about how she didn’t believe in anything, but was still superstitious. About her work, and how she wanted to become a wedding photographer and event planner. I revealed to her that I had lowkey stalked her, only to be surprise to find out she had stalked me too.

At this point I felt so comfortable with her. Porter played though the speaker on my phone. And we laid down in the middle of the street. Looking up at the Tahoe sky. I felt so airy. I felt so warm. I felt something I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

A car engine in the distance snapped me from my little reverie and I picked her from the rough asphalt. We continued our walk up the hill and made it to the parking lot in front of the apartment.

“Well, we made it.” I say with a little tinge of sadness.

“Wait, we can’t go back in.” “We have to make a cool handshake or something.”

“Dude, I’m like the worst at this.” “The best I can do is pull up a youtube video and copy that.”

She laughs. “Perfect.”

We look at the video and try it. We fail. 15 minutes later we get our youtube handshake with a nerwer squaw twist on it down.

“One more time.”

Boom.

Laughter.

“We’re so stupid.”

“Yeah, we are.”

We go up the stairs, open the door and everyone’s asleep. We don’t know where to sleep. I wish I could just be like hey we should just sleep together and cuddle. I just want to hold your hand and feel your warmth next to me. I’ll even run my hand through your hair so you fall asleep, and I’ll also make sure you have enough blanket.

But alas, we slept separately in the living room. But I fell asleep with a smile. Into a dreamless sleep. I just hope she felt even a fraction of what I felt during that walk. And even if she didn’t even give it a second thought, I’ll have these memories to cherish.

NERWERZ