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Things I did today

Survive. Painted a canvas. Made chai tea. Bought art supplies.

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I had like 1/4th of a cigarette today which isnt even half. So that is a small victory. On this day I practically completed an entire painting, and nearly memorized an entire cover song. I am so excited that I'm making progress. Also have been thinking about traveling and starting a business, chainmail design has caught my interest in that there are so many different patterns and colors to chose from. I think it would be a great creative outlet that I can sell for money and then having an entire collection would be a good way to try selling as a vendor at music festivals. As long as I'm creating I'm happy. I learnt today that I have people in my life that genuinely enjoy my presence and that is mutual. I'm greatful for having someone believe in me. Thanks Melanie.

#triumphofdeath #addiction #cuttingback #unhealthy #hobbies #goals

I’m going to try really hard to not smoke today.

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I'm going to try really hard to not smoke today.

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The voices in my head are so overwhelmed today. Being out in the cold on a busy street is not the place for me to be and was actually very traumatic. Also had to talk about my trauma today and that brought up some dark unresolved feelings.

Voices in my head

Telling me I can't take it anymore.

But I know have to keep going even though things aren't perfect now.

Its just been a constant battle with my thoughts. It all started when I got stressed out from being in the cold and all the random street folk on granville spiraled the perpetual paranoia of feeling unsafe and on guard at all times. It's such a dark place to be and it's a drug infested haven.

I'm realizing more and more that drinking alcohol is mostly pointless and will lead to poor decisions and possibly death. I honestly just feel empty afterwards or I overdue do it and both those things suck.

I had two beers, both of which were given to me. I had a craving for it and almost caved and bought some but I didnt.

Learnt who my friends are, street folk are my family. Melanie Tasha and Rodney. I hope the find a place to live and possible home for them through Atira. Love you guys! It's been a short time knowing you but you all are nothing but great people.

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So what

I might be alone. I might not have a TV or a laptop. But I have my music and art to pass the time by. I'm trying to find happiness on my own. I feel like most social interactions are difficult for me because of my anxiety. I haven't gotten much counselling around it. I spent money on a burger and a beer. I just trying to find something more then this. I drink all the time cause theres nothing to do here really, nothing new to see. Like I just want to be somewhere new again. Being around people all the time everywhere doesn't help my anxiety neither does the weather. A had exactly one smoke. Not surprising because I slept in so long yesterday I woke up and it was dark at 3:00-4:30ish. I feel like shit. I feel like its difficult for me to get close to people and the people who really like me I'm not interested in and I know I should just focus on myself I don't know. I dont want to feel like I'm just wasting my life and theres so many times I'm not doing anything and I find myself in a rut and pitying myself because I'm alone and can't have normal relationships with people.

Being alone is better then being in a mutually destructive relationship.

Had exactly one beer.

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“we blend thoughts, breaths, words until we vibrate in harmony”

— LordByron ( not the real Lord)

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the shores of your mind are nearly empty  I haunt there  desolate and cold

— ᴸ ᴱ ᵀ ᴴ ᴱ

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"You are such a fucking piece of shit I dont miss you" -

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Today has been fucking sad .

I saw my ex on the street when I was on my way to get a pack of smoked. I smoked at least 6 smokes today. Tossed them in the rain after when I realized how useless it was. Once I got home I just sat in my room. I've never watched the TV once here and there isn't anything to do here so I started painting on a canvas I had and then I got bored of it and self harmed. Next I had some thoughts of suicide. Started to feel trapped with little freedom here. I literally have social anxiety in every situation I'm in. I decided I'm going to switch to weed so I can cut my nicotine and alcohol as an alternative. I'm just so tired of being stagnant in the place. I want a change. I don't plan on moving back to Surrey. And it's really fucking sad actually because it's honestly the worst place to live ever and my mom lives right in that hell hole. I'm also living in a hell hole at the moment aswell. There is no peace or calmness, nor tranquility, serenity. I know theres some where better out there for me.

#situationdepression #agony #goodbye #moveontosomething better vancoucer #beingreal #abusiverelationship #change

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