herdeepestthoughts

[herdeepestthoughts]

To my dearest daughter,

I'm writing notes to you that you might read years later. Right now, I'm sitting in a train station with my pumping bag, waiting for a train that's already departed 30 minutes ago. I have to wait another 15 minutes. I'm meeting friends after a long time without you tagging along. I'm late – I should've been here 30 minutes ago – but I had to nurse you first.

I used to hate being late, but becoming a mother has taught me that some things are beyond my control. I used to hang out with friends almost every day, but now it's almost impossible to go out without you. I used to love wandering alone to bookstores, coffee shops, and new places, but I haven't done that in a long time.

Becoming a mother means I've had to put some things on hold, but it's all because you need me. You need me to feed you, change your diaper, make you smile, and calm you down. To you, I'm your whole world. I may have lost some of my old life, but I've gained you, and that's worth everything.

My train has arrived, and I know I'll be late meeting my friends. But it's okay – you're my priority, my deae daughter. And i can’t wait to get back home to you already.

[herdeepestthoughts]

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”

— Nicholas Sparks

[herdeepestthoughts]

This letter is dedicated to my future self, the one who'll inevitably grapple with anxiety, questioning past decisions and pondering the choice of marriage.

You uttered "yes" confidently, without a hint of hesitation, certain that no one else could fill the role beside him. Despite flaws, ego, and behaviors you may detest, it's him—the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

In your first year together, he crafted a scrapbook and gifted a stunning necklace, initially doubted but now cherished. Love manifested from the beginning, sustaining through the ups and downs.

Life will unfold with its twists and happiness might not match the moment you said "yes," yet these reasons, evoking tears from your 26-year-old self, affirm that marrying him was your life's best decision. And it will always be.

[herdeepestthoughts]

[herdeepestthoughts]

May, a beautiful May.

I just had a wisdom teeth surgery this afternoon. I didnt thought it would hurt that much. Well, it still hurts even after 6 hours and will still be hurt for the next 3 days, said the doctor. Hope i will survive. But, nothing hurts me more than the fact that i will turn 26 at end of this month. Having a birthday makes me realise that i am no longer young anymore, about what i have missed in a year, about the path that was not taken, about the days that turn to months in a blink of an eye, about plans that only turn into wishes, about life that is going nowhere.

I used to think of birthday like that. But i guess, i am just scared. I am too frightened by the fact that i am missing out a lot of things in the first quarter of my life, scared of having plans and ideas of how life will be, scared that life might pass a little bit too fast, scared that the happiness will not stay any longer, scared that i will feel the same way in my next birthdays.

I have moved from the city that i have lived in for 4 years because i had to start working in Jakarta, back to my homeland. It felt strange at the beginning, to leave the comfort it had given to me for the last 4 years. The city that made me love and hate my job at the same time. The city where i met such kind and incredible people. The city where i fell in love to the love of my life for the first time. It happened in a city. However, i came back home with a little smile on my face, i felt grateful that day, for going home.

I continue feeling grateful after i met so many supportive co-workers in my new office. After moved into two offices in a year, i finally feel grateful about my work-life and fulfilled for the first time in four years. How crazy, right? But afterall, not to be cliche, but God really had shown me a beautiful ending for me where my heart can finally be at peace, both about the job and about life so far.

I repeat, God really had shown me a beautiful ending, with million of unpredictable stories behind it, million of surprises. And i just want to lean on it. The fact that a perfect ending is waiting for me at the end of the road.

I will keep walking.

May 8th 2023.

[herdeepestthoughts]

I’ll be turning 25 in less than a week. It feels funny to remember all of my dreams and expectations i used to have when i was still 17. I thought life was all about perfect plans, happy days, and dreams that come true, but it’s actually more than that. Plans are necessary but it doesn’t always work out and life doesn’t stop when you’re running out of plans. Life doesn’t stop when you’re sad. Life doesn’t stop when sweet dreams turn into nightmares. Life doesn’t stop when you fail. Life doesn’t stop even when you choose to stop. It continues, life always continues taking you to places and moments that you thought it was never exist.

I failed, at some parts of life. I made big mistakes. I cried my self to sleep almost everynight. I loathed my self for being so stupid, so selfish, so confusing over and over again. I blamed my self for every bad things that came into my life. I blamed my self for every bad decisions that i made. I blamed my self for hurting the people that i love. I blamed my self for hurting my self.

One of many things that i learned, life will take you ups and downs. Every single time. The problem that you had yesterday, didn’t stop there. It will come back to you, maybe tomorrow or even in a month from now. It will always come back to you, so deal with it. You must deal with it. You may be scared but your problem won’t disappear when you scared. Just deal with it.

Stepping into a new age especially the age of 25 scares me a little bit. The concept of growing old and getting more responsibilities makes me wanna go back to my younger days. But again, life doesn’t stop here. I’m thankful for anything that happened and came to me for these past 25 years, both good and bad. All the tough days that made me stronger and happy days that made grateful for existing. I’m sorry for all the people that hurt because of me, and i’m sorry for hurting my self again and again. I’m learning and growing everyday.

Lastly, i wish nothing but happiness and peace at heart.

[herdeepestthoughts]

It’s really hard coming home to yourself. 

It’s even harder while you can’t accept who you are yet you still want to protect yourself from the harsh world. 

The flaws, the unfinished business with your self, the war inside your head, the mess you’ve made, the pain, those are nightmares yet you can never run away from yourself, you can never hide.

It’s even scarier to think, with all the baggages you have, who will give a hand to hold those heavy baggages? Will they understand? Will they make it less heavier? Or the worst case, will they hurt because of the baggage you have?

Will they feel pain?

Will it make them feel less happier?

Will it make them second guess their choice?

Will it make them sad?

Will it make them leave you?

Or just how you want them to be, will it make them stay and hold those baggages with you?

[herdeepestthoughts]

but i hope to see you soon, real soon.

Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

[herdeepestthoughts]

“As excruciating as they may be, it is only through your darkest hours will you discover your strength. You may come out of it crawling, sobbing, bloodied and wounded but the fact of the matter is you survived it all. Nobody has the slightest clue how close you were to giving up or how many nights you clung to your pillow wishing it was you being held whilst simultaneously begging the universe to let you catch your breath just for a second. You may be scarred and it will likely always hurt to trace your fingers over them but take a moment today to look yourself in the mirror and appreciate how incredibly you weathered the storm with no umbrella or hand to hold.”

—

[herdeepestthoughts]

"You know what you are? You are the bassline. Underneath the melody, undetectable at times, but necessary."

— Physical, e1s1

[herdeepestthoughts]

343/365

Untuk hal-hal yang sedang kita perjuangkan; Semoga kita tidak hanya diberi kekuatan mengupayakannya dengan segenap kemampuan. Tetapi juga diberi kelapangan menerima apapun hasilnya dengan penuh keikhlasan.

Untuk hal-hal yang sedang kita perjuangkan; Semoga kita tidak hanya diberi kemampuan bersyukur menyambut kemenangan. Tetapi juga diberi kekuatan bersabar ketika harus berdamai dengan kekalahan.

Untuk hal-hal yang sedang kita perjuangkan; Tugas kita hanya sebatas mengupayakan. Perihal hasil adalah hak mutlak Allah untuk menentukan. Kerjakan apa yang seharusnya kita kerjakan. Sisanya, biar kuasa-Nya yang membereskan.

[herdeepestthoughts]

The skies look very pretty these days. I wonder if you've seen them too, but here i took some photos so you can enjoy them too.

[herdeepestthoughts]

[herdeepestthoughts]

I wanna shutting off my self from the world for awhile. This world we live in is too loud, but i guess the voice inside my head is way louder. I have so many stories to tell, so many tears to cry, so many emotions to feel, but no one here to listen.

Eventhough they said standing alone in your feet will heal you completely but I just wish, i really wish, i fucking wish someone would listen, and wouldn't be scared, and wouldn't run, and wouldn't hide, and wouldn't leave.

[herdeepestthoughts]

“I am tired of myself in every way. All things, deep down to the secret of their roots, are stained by the color of my weariness.”

— Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet

[herdeepestthoughts]

Mentally abused yet i’m still here.

[herdeepestthoughts]

Sometimes i wonder how to get away from all of this.